Am I to blame for my partner cheating?

LegacyUser

Hi All,
Going anon for this. Apologies in advance for the long post. I was with my partner for 3 years. From the beginning there were issues with him being over familiar with women/girls in general, just being too personal and oversharing type of things. I found out very quickly after we moved in together that he would regularly contact people from his past in a flirty way which didn’t sit well. I confronted him and it stopped.
I live far away from family so on occasion I would travel at weekends to visit and while I would be away he would venture out and lie about it. I have never had an issue with him going out as I would obviously do the same with work colleagues and friends as normal.
He would just go out at times and not reply to my calls or txts but would answer the phone and let me “hear” the music and craic etc. and contacted his ex more than once on nights out asking to go to hers. There were so many nights that I felt so low and insecure but I powered on with the relationship.
Then came the anger. He would be very rude and insulting calling me horrible names and has even spat at me a few times. He gave me a slap twice in the 3 years and somehow he made me believe that it was my fault and pushed too much or something. I have a child from a previous relationship and he became violent on occasion and my child is/was quite intimidated by him. He is a foreign national and I made allowances that I shouldn’t have because he listed culture/immaturity etc.
So this time last year I was visiting family and found out that he had went out and spread these awful lies about me and our relationship to a random woman in a bar and took her number. I found out and confronted him and again it was my fault somehow. Then over Christmas he was drunk dialling his ex and arranged to meet her. When I found out I called her from his phone while he sat there with his head in his hands. Turns out he had been initiating contact throughout the relationship and she was not aware of me at all. They had also been intimate during this time. She seemed really nice and I had a good “chat” with her. Even after this, he contacted her and fed her a load of lies about me and arranged to meet her. As far as I am aware she did not believe what he was telling her.
Again swallowed the lies that pursued but it finally got to the point a few months ago where I asked him to leave. He has been in contact everyday begging for chance after chance yet somehow still “justifying” his behaviour with immaturity etc. The latest now is I don’t understand how “depressed” he is and how his life is “over” without me. I don’t want to get back with him as I am focusing on myself and attending counselling to understand how and why I allowed this behaviour to continue to help me be a stronger person in the future.
Im just finding it so hard because there is a part of me that wonders if anything he says is true. Did I push it to happen? Because I got on with things the best I could and it repeated as I wasn’t strong enough to just end it. I wanted to believe the best in him and so chose to try to move forward but he’s hell bent on trying to convince me that I will ruin his life even though the choices he made himself did that. I feel stupid and I am full of regret, I’ll never get these 3 years back that I wasted on him.
Thanks to all for reading it actually helps to get it out!

Neyite

Well done on getting out of an abusive relationship.

He will never take ownership of his actions. You didn't cause anything - each and every choice he made was his own to make, and you didn't drive him towards anything. Only he did that. Keep going with your counselling and don't ever go back to him no matter what pity-party he tries to draw you back in with.

Block his number, because if the sad tale doesn't work to get you back, he's likely going to try other techniques - threats to self harm or anger or cite MH issues. Just block him and be done with him.

zoobizoo

It's not your fault. None of it is.

This guy is not decent, not honest and not a good person at all.


Don't feel stupid - we all do silly things at times because they seem to be the best choice at that time based on the info at hand.

You can't change what has happened.

There are plenty of decent, honest and nice guys out there.

dudara

At the end of the day, the ultimate decision to cheat was made by him. To be crude, he chose where to put his d*ck. You didn't make that decision for him. In fact, he knew he made that decision, but tried to push it back on you to make you feel guilty rather than him. That's a despicable thing to do.

You tried to make a relationship work, but the best thing you have done is getting out. Leopards like that rarely change their spots.

Cut all contact and don't get sucked back in. Good luck!

Big Bag of Chips

He is responsible for each and every one of his own actions. All you can be "guilty" of is accepting it and believing that he didn't mean it. Please don't listen to him begging for another chance. Block his number. Block all avenues of communication. You have no need to ever be in contact with him again. Think of your child. Do not give this man any power over you.

My friend left her violent, abusive, cocaine addict, alcoholic husband a few years ago. She still gets the calls telling her how depressed he is. How he's lost everything. Funnily enough more often than not it's also all her fault that he's lost everything because she took his family away from him. No mention of his own behaviour that led to her having to leave for the safety of herself and their children.

She has to have contact with him because he's the father of her children. You don't have that issue. You know while he's begging you for forgiveness he's also chasing other women, don't you?

Sephiroth_dude

None of this is your fault, you had a lucky escape, no way could I put up with three years of that, do yourself a favor and block this eejit every where and concentrate on yourself.

bobsman

Not your fault at all. He's a piece of ****. Don't fret about wasting 3 years with him. Have no further contact with him and look to the future x

lazybones32

Not having a go at you but how the fcuk could you consider yourself responsible for that? I don't understand how/why women accept and believe such things...you (collectively) are your own worst enemy.

GingerLily

lazybones32 wrote: »

<Snip>

This has nothing to do with gender or stereotypes, please leave them out!

lazybones32

GingerLily wrote: »

This has nothing to do with gender or stereotypes, please leave them out!

Mind your own business.

Big Bag of Chips

lazybones32, please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again.

joe40

You're out, stay out. You owe it to your child to run a mile from this relationship. If he scared/intimidated your child, that should be a total deal breaker. Fault or blame is immaterial. Not that you have any fault at all in this case.

ManOfMystery

He's a cheat. He's violent. He's manipulative. He's deceitful. He's abusive. 

You are not responsible for any of these traits. You sound like a (and I hate to use this word) normal and well-adjusted person. Whatever actions he took were HIS decision.

You are well rid of him. And I agree with Joe40 above, the moment he scared/intimidated your child, he should have been out the door, but I understand that you giving him a chance to be a better man. In future though, I think you owe it to your child to place their security and well-being above the needs of someone like that, and nip it in the bud the moment you see any signs of violent or abusive tendencies.

Alan Smithee

Well done on making the decision to leave for you and your child.
Keep going to counselling and link in with women's aid if you feel you need additional support.
His cries of contrition and claims of depression are a see through, pitiful and desperate act of self preservation. Ignore all pleas and cut all contact. If he has issues (and he probably does) they are his and his alone to solve. He is responsible for his behaviour not you so continue to move on with your life and best of luck.

Diddlers

I think it's funny how you say you're going to counselling to help be a stronger person when clearly you're a strong woman. By no means did you waste three years of your life on him. Try use the relationship as an eye opener about what you want your next relationship to be like.
You most certainly shouldn't take this man back. You should write down what this relationship made you feel like- small, insecure etc. Any time you think you need him back re-read that list. It's easy to remember the good times and forget the bad one's.
You have a kid already, you're family live far away so you probably don't have as much support from them due to different locations. You left an abusive relationship, attended counselling because you needed help. I really think you're amazing! If you can see that you'll realize how you deserve so much more from someone.

JackTaylorFan

The guy lied to you; cheated on you; spat and physically assaulted you and now he is emotionally blackmailing you.

Yeah, if it was me, I would have called the Gardai on his pathetic arse the minute he laid a finger on me.

Lucky escape, OP.

Sorry you wasted three years of your life on him. Continue counseling and don't ever look back.

jennyhayes123

Regardless of any of his behaviour with other women just read your line about your child being intimidated by him.... surely that is enough to keep you away from him

Oink

Hi Anon,

There has been a lot of good advice her, but can I just tell you how your post reads from thd point of view of a complete stranger:

“He would be very rude and insulting calling me horrible names”
=> emotional abuse

“and has even spat at me a few times.”
=> physical abuse

“He gave me a slap twice in the 3 years”
=> physical abuse

“he made me believe that it was my fault”
=>blame deflection => classical emotional abuse

“he became violent on occasion”
=> physical abuse

“and my child is/was quite intimidated by him. “
=> emotional abuse. ON A CHILD!

“a random woman in a bar and took her number.”
=> cheat. You can guess what would happen if YOU did that....

“I found out and confronted him and again it was my fault somehow.”
=> deflecting the blame again

“They had also been intimate during this time.”
=> of course. That will keep happening.

“there is a part of me that wonders if anything he says is true. Did I push it to happen? “
=> of course not. You’re a victim, blaming yourself. That’s what he wants.
If you saw another woman in the same situation, you would never blame her. But he got in your head.

“he’s hell bent on trying to convince me that I will ruin his life”
=> I hope you do. By getting the Guards involved every time he comes near you again.

Please never talk to him again. Shut down the conversation EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Bar his number. Talk to the guards if needed. NO CONVERSATION, EVER.

I wish you the best.

professore

Don't take this the wrong way, I am saying this for your own good and the good of your child.

The only blame you should shoulder is putting up with his lies, abuse, cheating and sneaking around for so long. You have to take a good hard look at yourself why you put up with it, especially when you have a child that could be endangered by this dangerous psychopath - and he IS a dangerous psychopath by the clinical definition.

You can't afford to get into a situation like this again, ever.

If you can get to the root of why you put up with this for so long, then you will become a stronger person and should you choose to have another relationship, will pick someone more suitable the next time.

I would suggest counselling.

Big Bag of Chips

OP has not been back in 3 weeks.

Thread locked