What do I tell the kids about death?

nikpmup

How do athiest parents of young kids talk to their kids about death?

I have a four year old son, and my partners mother and great aunt, both of whom are huge parts of his life, are fairly elderly (mid eighties, multiple health issues etc) Realistically, it's not going to be long before we have to sit him down and explain that one or the other of them have died. We are both athiest, and while I have no problem generally with giving him the "some people believe that..." line, I really don't know how to explain that his loved ones are going to be just gone. He's a little too young to understand the finality of death, and when previous conversations have cropped up, his question is always, "where did they go?"
When my husband died in 2010, my five year old neice was told all about how he went to heaven, god is going to look after him, etc, and while it's not a line I want to spin to my boy, I could see that it's a neat, comforting story to tell a grieving young child who just wants to know where the person is. Just stopping existing is a hard concept for a small kid to grasp.

How have you dealt with this issue? I want to be prepared, I don't want to flounder about with half baked answers and most of all, I want my son to be reassured and protected from hurt as much as possible without feeding him lies. Or, is it better to feed him lies now for the purposes of shielding a little boy from hurt, and later when he's older and better able to grasp the concept of the ending of this one life, tell him the truth? All answers/experiences appreciated.

seamus

Tbh, kids are far more resilient about these things than we give them credit for. Primarily because they lack the ability to really think about the scale of what they're hearing.

The "universe" to a child is still a small bubble consisting of their family, friends and school. So the enormity of eternity, the finality of death and real meaning of life & death kind of goes over their head. But in a good way; it puts something of a limit on how far they'll ask questions to satisfy their curiosity.

My daughter is a worrier, and the most important problem that came out of it was a question of when her family would die - i.e. her parents, her sister and her dog. She's not really worried about anyone else. Even then, she has declared that she (and her sister) will live forever. And I'm not going to correct her, because that's not necessary at 5 years of age.

She absolutely loves her Gran, but has declared loudly that "Gran will die soon because she's the oldest", without a hint of sadness or worry. And she understands that death means someone is "gone" because a friend in school has had a sibling that died as a toddler. But children that age lack the intelligence to piece it all together and think about it with the same level of complexity that an adult can, so it doesn't weigh on her mind.

"Some people believe" is not a fudge. The most honest answer to the question of "what happens when you die" is, "Nobody really knows". You're better off being as honest as possible because the more you lie, the more you have to keep lying to answer follow up questions. However, don't be quick to give a prepared speech; they won't listen anyway. Let them ask the questions, and then answer each one concisely. And the ones that follow. It's a bit jarring at first to be talking about death with a child, but if you let them guide the conversation as far as they want to take it, you'll find it much easier.

lazygal

We haven't dealt directly with death but we have talked about it with our children. They know everyone's body stops working eventually, usually this is when you're older but sometimes it happens to children. Then your body can either go into the ground to help new things to grow, scientists can use your body to work out how to help other people or you can be burned in a special oven and turned into ashes. I find it best to stick as closely to the truth as possible so there's no room for them to have to mull over what might happen and create scary things in their heads.

robindch

nikpmup wrote: »

[...] He's a little too young to understand the finality of death [...]

I took my kid out sea-fishing one evening when she was three-and-a-half and we caught a couple of mackerel, one of which we kept and I killed by clobbering its head with an oar. Possibly a little harsh, but she got over the initial shock quickly and became very curious about what had happened.

That kicked off a thread of conversations which lasted perhaps six months or so and which ended up with her being completely cool with the idea that there was a time when a person didn't yet exist, then a time when they do exist, then a time when they don't exist again. And that their non-working body has to go somewhere. Usually into the ground, so after a few straight questions from her, I said that if she died, we'd bury her under some flowers in the back garden so that she'd come back as flowers each year.

I can't remember any trauma or surprise from her in any of this conversation. Just lots of curiosity, plus some surprise from a few friends when she brought the topic up randomly in the middle of dinner.

YMMV!

nikpmup

Thanks for the replies.

The issue of death hasn't really popped up yet with him as there hasn't been one since he was born, aside from a gold fish ("Where's The fish?" "he died, love." "oh, okay") We were talking to him about his name (named after his grandfather who died before he was born) and all he wanted to know was where this alleged grandfather was. He really didn't understand what we were getting at, although the fact that he never knew this grandfather didn't help.
I'm definitely of the opinion that children need honesty and clarity, and I don't want a pre prepared speech as such, but I do want to have a guideline, as much for myself as him. I don't want him to fear that other people may disappear from his life or that he might die. He struggles with understanding non tangible concepts already, I'd hate to confuse him more.

seamus

nikpmup wrote: »

We were talking to him about his name (named after his grandfather who died before he was born) and all he wanted to know was where this alleged grandfather was. He really didn't understand what we were getting at, although the fact that he never knew this grandfather didn't help.

My wife has a picture of herself with her Grandad in our bedroom, and around the time the discovery of "death" began, my daughter asked about the picture; who he was, where he was, etc. Sometimes she even asks to bring it downstairs and it ends up sitting on the kitchen table while she's drawing. And she'll look at it every now and again and ask a question.

To echo robin's experience, it doesn't all come in one sitting, it goes on for months. She usually throws a few questions at us and then her attention goes somewhere else. And then a week later, in the middle of a supermarket, she'll kick off the conversation again.

I don't want him to fear that other people may disappear from his life or that he might die. He struggles with understanding non tangible concepts already, I'd hate to confuse him more.

He might fear it, but as long as he knows he can come to you with questions and fears, he'll be fine.

Unfortunately we can't implant the information fully formed into their heads, we need to sow the seeds, let it develop, let questions form, and then answer those questions. And then let those develop, and so on.

branie2

Tell them that it's a natural part of life

recedite

I have usually found the questions relating to "where did I come from" more awkward to answer than "where do we go when we are dead" :pac:

For a while, the joke answer works best. But as they get older its better to tell the truth as you know it, although in some vague way at first.

I could never see the point of telling stories about storks carrying babies, or of people sitting around on clouds playing the harp. If the thing is not particularly funny, or its seems plausible to them, then its just a lie.

mikhail

If you want to deal with it organically, a lot of kids first learn about it via their pets. Gerbils aren't all that long-lived.

Bristolscale7

Two tracks:
1) Material. Start with atoms from an early age. The heavy atoms we have in our body have existed for billions of years. When people die their cells/atoms go back to nature and new things are made from them. Like the song says, we are stardust.
2) Philosophical/moral. Family is the most important thing in life. As people act as a mother or father to their children, so they will they be towards their children. Most of us will not win Nobel prizes or write the great Irish novel of the 21st century. What we leave behind is the memories and values we pass to the next generation. We live on in this sense.

Akrasia

Kids are great at compartmentalising knowledge. They'll accept gaps in their understanding,

It's best to be honest but there's no need to go into too much detail if the kids aren't asking loads of questions.

My kids know that everyone dies, they know about the circle of life and they're happy to accept that.

Death is sad but it's a part of life.

kylith

The problem with telling them that someone has 'gone away', that I've noticed with my niblings, is that they then expect that person to come back and get upset when they don't.

A pet actually might be a good idea. Not, obviously, for the purpose of killing it, but mice only live a couple of years and when it eventually kicks the bucket it can jump start a conversation about how the bit that's inside us that's us eventually stops being there, and that no one knows where it goes, and that it doesn't come back again, and how that makes us sad and that's ok.

Trent Houseboat

I've thinking about this recently, and what I'll tell Lil' Trent. My current plan is to tell him about as many death/afterlife/reincarnation myths as possible and tell him what I personally believe.
Alongside this hopefully he'll be learning about creation myths and gods as nothing more than stories that will in the future vaccinate him against believing what he hears from interfering relatives/state funded educational institutions.

Akrasia

Trent Houseboat wrote: »

I've thinking about this recently, and what I'll tell Lil' Trent. My current plan is to tell him about as many death/afterlife/reincarnation myths as possible and tell him what I personally believe.
Alongside this hopefully he'll be learning about creation myths and gods as nothing more than stories that will in the future vaccinate him against believing what he hears from interfering relatives/state funded educational institutions.

Richard Dawkins book, the magic of reality is worth checking out. He approaches each topic in two sections, first, what traditional and mythological stories say, and then what the science says.
His illustrated children's edition is great for sitting down with your kids with because the drawings are captivating