Messed Everything Up

LegacyUser

To give some background, I work abroad, and about six months ago a woman joined my workplace. She is truly an amazing person, and we hit it off straight away, similar interests, and would spend evenings together sharing pretty much everything, - in short, we were in a relationship for the past six months.

And herein comes my monumental screw-up.

When we were with other colleagues, I didn't show her a huge amount of affection. Workplace relationships are frowned upon where I work (I've seen people get fired/moved to a different part of the company because of them), so, ironically, I didn't want to mess things up by publicly showing how I felt about her when we were out with colleagues. And to top it off, a month ago she told me that she loved me, and I didn't say it back. Not because I don't love her, but because I didn't know how to respond. The reason being, I've lost everyone I've loved in life from a very young age, so for me to say "I love you" to somebody takes time, because with that comes an admission to myself that I'm vulnerable to being hurt again. To going through that grief of loss again. I did try to show her in every other way that I loved her - I just couldn't say the words at the time. Ironically, I had bought a ticket to her home country as a surprise for New Years - it's something she told me a while back would make her year, and that although she didn't think it would happen, she would love it if I did.

It all came to a head last week. A disagreement in work turned into something more, an argument where we didn't speak to each other all weekend. For the last week, I tried to make things right, to explain why I couldn't get the words out at the time. I don't blame her for this - I understand why she built a wall around her heart. Meeting up for the past few days (we do several things together still), I can feel her frustration at me no matter what I do or say, and yesterday, when I couldn't just sit there and take it any longer, and spoke up about it, she told me she feels nothing for me.

I am gutted to say the least. Emotionally crushed.

For those of you reading this thinking that it's a case of another idiot guy who didn't realise what he had until it was gone, then perhaps you are right.

I do believe she loved me, very much when she said it. I know I hurt her (probably as much as I am hurting now) when I didn't say it back to her. Part of me believes, or at least, wants to believe that she still does love me - that you can't just get rid of love after a few weeks. Of course, an equal part of me right now feels that it's gone forever, and that when she says she feels nothing for me now, that it's true.

I know that it wasn't just the "I love you" moment that was the problem - it's a culmination of my actions. the indifference she felt when work colleagues were around. I know that she probably felt in limbo, and that I made her feel that way.

How I actually feel about her is that I do love her, very very much, and did from quite early on. I love who she is, not just what she is, if that makes sense. I wanted (still want) a future with her, and if everything kept going well, a life and kids together.

This isn't my first relationship, despite how my words might come across. I've broken up with people before, and have been broken up with. This is different. This just really has me upside down right now, and I would do whatever it takes to make this right.

drunkmonkey

I wouldn't say you messed up, if anything you called her bluff, if she can turn from loving you into feeling nothing over one blow up it's best find out now rather than later when she's half way across the globe with access to your bank account.

All you can do is ask her out for dinner, see can you make up.

Think your right not shouting out I loves you at the drop of a hat, takes a lot before you really mean it, nobody should be in a rush to say it or hear it. Nothing wrong with being mad about someone first.

Estrellita

am_lost wrote: »

How I actually feel about her is that I do love her, very very much, and did from quite early on. I love who she is, not just what she is, if that makes sense. I wanted (still want) a future with her, and if everything kept going well, a life and kids together.

Your past traumas are not her doing. She put her heart on the line and told you how she felt. Telling someone you love them for the first time is tough, because you don't know how they will respond. You left her hanging when she was probably feeling vulnerable and nervous

My thinking is her feelings aren't gone, but your unwillingness to reciprocate and the lack of affection has made her throw up a wall to protect herself.

One thing I will say is that staying professional in work is important, she needs to understand that. However, your lack of honesty about how you feel may have hurt her a lot. You need to tell her all the above I've quoted and as soon as possible if you stand any chance of regaining her trust again.

If you love someone, cherish them. Tell them you love them. Life is too short to miss out on a chance at real love.

sozbox

One weeks she loves you the next feels nothing? Yeah she never loved you in the first place.

Her emotional drama isn’t your responsibility, stop beating yourself up.

LegacyUser

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I wouldn't say you messed up, if anything you called her bluff, if she can turn from loving you into feeling nothing over one blow up it's best find out now rather than later when she's half way across the globe with access to your bank account.

I don't believe she was ever in this for access to my bank account.

Estrellita wrote: »

Your past traumas are not her doing. She put her heart on the line and told you how she felt. Telling someone you love them for the first time is tough, because you don't know how they will respond. You left her hanging when she was probably feeling vulnerable and nervous.

Agreed - my past traumas are completely my own, and I wasn't trying to deflect the issue on her, or even justify anything earlier. It was simply a "why" I acted the way I did.

Estrellita wrote: »

My thinking is her feelings aren't gone, but your unwillingness to reciprocate and the lack of affection has made her throw up a wall to protect herself.

Two female friends in common who are aware of the situation said the same thing. The me who would have been posting advice here would have said the same thing too. And I hope so much that it's true. However the me who saw her face yesterday when she said the words "I feel nothing now" believes each and every syllable she said. I feel ill even typing that.

Estrellita wrote: »

One thing I will say is that staying professional in work is important, she needs to understand that. However, your lack of honesty about how you feel may have hurt her a lot. You need to tell her all the above I've quoted and as soon as possible if you stand any chance of regaining her trust again.

Staying professional in work is important, I agree, but I extended my attitude into work nights out too, social events with colleagues. I'm her immediate supervisor, and labour laws don't exist here - a puritanical management system means they'd have caused problems for us, and moreso for her, because I'm more "useful" in their eyes. I also didn't want people thinking that anything she did or achieved, she didn't do on her own merit, that I somehow made things easier for her or took her side in a decision. I could have done things differently though, there is no doubt.

For what it's worth, I did tell her what you quoted above, yesterday. To her credit, when I asked her if she ever thought of a future, and kids together with me, she said she did. When I told her of how I used to see our future, her response what "it's interesting how I am hearing about this now."

Estrellita wrote: »

If you love someone, cherish them. Tell them you love them. Life is too short to miss out on a chance at real love.

i wish I had been smart enough to realise this a couple of months ago. The regret I have over that, I don't have the words for.

Estrellita

so_lost wrote: »

. However the me who saw her face yesterday when she said the words "I feel nothing now" believes each and every syllable she said. I feel ill even typing that.

Is it possible she was trying to hurt you? Maybe so aggrieved by what you haven't said that she's lashing out?

Staying professional in work is important, I agree, but I extended my attitude into work nights out too, social events with colleagues. I'm her immediate supervisor, and labour laws don't exist here - a puritanical management system means they'd have caused problems for us, and moreso for her, because I'm more "useful" in their eyes. I also didn't want people thinking that anything she did or achieved, she didn't do on her own merit, that I somehow made things easier for her or took her side in a decision. I could have done things differently though, there is no doubt.

I still think you did the right thing here. Your being her supervisor even moreso.

For what it's worth, I did tell her what you quoted above, yesterday. To her credit, when I asked her if she ever thought of a future, and kids together with me, she said she did. When I told her of how I used to see our future, her response what "it's interesting how I am hearing about this now."

Why is it interesting 'now' exactly? Wildly guessing here... But has she started seeing someone else? I hope it's not the case.

The fact that this was her response to your honesty is a tad off. I fully expected her to be inwardly relieved at the least. Where did things leave off? I'd be against chasing her at this stage, you've (finally) been honest with her. The ball is in her court, but don't let it drag out. You've said you're sorry for how things have gone, it doesn't mean she's entitled to punish you for it.

i wish I had been smart enough to realise this a couple of months ago. The regret I have over that, I don't have the words for.

By your own admission you have had a hard time of things, I don't think it had anything to do with lack of smarts. But I guess it's worth reflecting on what is holding you back. If it costs you your happiness, maybe it's time to speak to a counsellor about it. Sometimes we carry baggage, you think it's no big deal, just get on with things. But our experiences can effect us and the choices we make.

LegacyUser

Estrellita wrote: »

Is it possible she was trying to hurt you? Maybe so aggrieved by what you haven't said that she's lashing out?

Hopefully. That or she has built such a wall up because of how I acted, that she won't let herself feel anything.

Estrellita wrote: »

I still think you did the right thing here. Your being her supervisor even moreso.

Thank you for that. In hindsight, I could have found a better middle ground, but it's good to know that I wasn't thinking completely off the wall.

Estrellita wrote: »

Why is it interesting 'now' exactly? Wildly guessing here... But has she started seeing someone else? I hope it's not the case.

I don't think so. I know the type of person she is - she is honest to a fault and expects the same in return - if that happened, she would say it. That's not me being blinded by how I feel about her, but I know the person that she is.

English is her second language, and my interpretation of her words was that it was interesting how she was hearing that now, but not before, was I saying it just because she wanted to hear it. I don't know. Of course all of the above is just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Estrellita wrote: »

The fact that this was her response to your honesty is a tad off. I fully expected her to be inwardly relieved at the least. Where did things leave off? I'd be against chasing her at this stage, you've (finally) been honest with her. The ball is in her court, but don't let it drag out. You've said you're sorry for how things have gone, it doesn't mean she's entitled to punish you for it.

Things left off with me getting a little pissed off I'm afraid. I'm pretty sure I responded with "You feel nothing for me - that certainly makes everything much clearer for me", or similar. I walked with her to a taxi to make sure that she was safe, and that was it. I had to deal with her for a few minutes today at work, in a professional capacity.

Big Bag of Chips

For what it's worth I think you did right by not mixing business with pleasure and showing public displays of affection on a work night out. If relationships in the office are frowned upon, then I don't see what alternative you had. Work nights out are an extension of the office and it would be unusual to be out together, all over each other and then in to the office and maintaining a professional distance. I've worked with couples before and one couple, only for they used to go home together you'd never have known they were a couple. Work isn't the place for conducting a private relationship!

I think her telling you she loved you, and then saying she felt nothing is her lashing out. It's hard to know whether or not she's telling the truth (you seem to think she's honest to a fault, so we'll assume she meant what she said), but if she meant it then I'd question how in love she was to begin with. If she said it just to hurt you, then you need to realise that rather than discuss issues in a relationship, the way she will deal with them is end it/threaten to end it any time there's a problem.

None of us are perfect at relationships. We're all just making it up as we go along. In your shoes I would say, once, whatever it is you need/want to say to her and let her think about it. I wouldn't chase her, beg her etc. If she thinks she is willing to give the relationship another chance then she has to accept a few things about it. One being that work is work and you are not going to conduct your relationship in front of your work colleagues. You can have plenty of romantic nights in/out without your colleagues watching you. She also needs to learn to not go all out "it's over" whenever things aren't going her way. You will also have to learn and understand that as part of a couple, there is another person you have to consider. So having walls up, and protecting yourself from feeling vulnerable is all fine when you're single, but as part of a couple you need to share a bit of that vulnerability. It's what strengthens a relationship. Yes, you risk getting hurt if it doesn't work out. But if you don't open yourself a little bit it's unlikely to work out anyway.

Communication is the key to any relationship. It cuts out all the uncertainty about what someone might think or might mean. If you want to try once more, both talk to each other without blame or childish tantrums. That never ends well.

PhoenixParker

She sounds really immature and a drama queen.
Keeping work and private life separate is a great idea albeit one you should have talked about and decided on a strategy as a couple.

Saying I love you is tough because of the risk, this is how she reacts when a risk doesnt pay off? When her life doesnt go perfectly? Would she prefer you lied to her if (as is completely normal at only six months in) you weren't ready to jump straight back with it?

And when you want to work on the relationship she responds by shutting down and lashing out?

This is teenage drama. Tread carefully.

lazybones32

so_lost wrote: »

Things left off with me getting a little pissed off I'm afraid. I'm pretty sure I responded with "You feel nothing for me - that certainly makes everything much clearer for me", or similar. I walked with her to a taxi to make sure that she was safe, and that was it. I had to deal with her for a few minutes today at work, in a professional capacity.

Don't apologise or think that you've messed it up - you haven't.
Her saying "i love you" doesn't demand a similar or greater response from you. She chose to say it and you couldn't reciprocate. Nothing wrong with that.

What do you want to happen next? Get back together or take her at her word and consider it finished? Stop being passive and take the steps to make it happen.

Maybe give her a call wednesday...

LegacyUser

lazybones32 wrote: »

Don't apologise or think that you've messed it up - you haven't.
Her saying "i love you" doesn't demand a similar or greater response from you. She chose to say it and you couldn't reciprocate. Nothing wrong with that.

What do you want to happen next? Get back together or take her at her word and consider it finished? Stop being passive and take the steps to make it happen.

Maybe give her a call wednesday...

I think I might be selling this short to say that the problem only came down to the "I love you" part. While that was probably the pinnacle of the issue, my cumulative actions pretty much eroded at the girl until I guess she reached breaking point.

As to what I want - well of course I'd like to make this right. I'd like us to get past this and move forward, hopefully into greater things. At the end of the day, I do love her. That being said, saying "stop being passive" is an easy thing to say - sometimes the only course of action is to not do anything. And believe me when I say, that is the hardest thing to do for me. I can't brute force this. However, I'm genuinely afraid that leaving her alone only gives her a chance to build even higher walls, and push me even further away.

I'm at a loss right now, being honest. There are no magic words I can say to fix this. And saying nothing does nothing either.

leggo

OP I feel for you because it's clear you are going through the emotional ringer here, however...

This is ridiculously dramatic for two professional adults. The "I love you...but will you say it back?" problem is one invented on TV shows when they need a bit of dramatic tension to fill an episode, and played out in real life by teenagers in their first relationship when they're just re-enacting stuff they saw on said TV shows because they don't understand how to do real, adult relationships. If someone started this furore with me over that, I'd seriously question whether I want to be with them because they're not emotionally ready for something real.

Here is what's real: she responded to not getting the emotional reaction she wanted (something you can't force and shouldn't expect from another human) by hurting you. You've learned a new thing about her now: that's what she does when she doesn't get what she wants, she hurts someone and burns everything down in her tantrum. So you can expect a lifetime of that every time your feelings don't match hers. First it's this, then she's telling you she feels nothing for you because you didn't get the butter she likes in the weekly shop.

Mate, you're the one who should be annoyed here and questioning everything. You could've communicated it better, yes, but you also then made an effort to make amends and it made no difference. She'll either cop on and apologise or she won't, and if she doesn't then as much as it'll hurt in the short-term, in the long run you won't be sorry trust me.

Estrellita

so_lost wrote: »

Thank you for that. In hindsight, I could have found a better middle ground, but it's good to know that I wasn't thinking completely off the wall.

I don't think there is a middle ground here. Regardless of whether it's in the job itself or outside of work get-togethers you still have to maintain a level of professionalism and respect amongst all of the people that work under you. All it would take is a disgruntled employee to raise your personal life mid disagreement. I don't mean to be crude but - 'sure isn't he riding that one anyway' comments might fly if she appears in any way to get preferential treatment (or seems to).

It is something she would have to accept if things did get back on track with you.

English is her second language, and my interpretation of her words was that it was interesting how she was hearing that now, but not before, was I saying it just because she wanted to hear it.

Ah, that's slightly different now. It changes a couple of things in my view. First and foremost about the interpretation of what she said, and possibly her current actions.

Things left off with me getting a little pissed off I'm afraid. I'm pretty sure I responded with "You feel nothing for me - that certainly makes everything much clearer for me", or similar. I walked with her to a taxi to make sure that she was safe, and that was it. I had to deal with her for a few minutes today at work, in a professional capacity.

You would be surprised the difference of attitudes that different nationalities have with many things, including matters of the heart.

In my view, I have to say some here - Irish can be very wary about saying they love someone. It's like we are always on the defensive. You don't mention your ladies nationality, but others can be very straight forward about their feelings. Hearts are worn on sleeves and grand declarations of love are made. If you say the relationship is over to her, then it probably means exactly that.

By comparison, some Irish - tend to play games a bit more. Or lash out and say things they don't really mean only to hope there is a way of salvaging the relationship later.

When you were angry with her and sent her off in the taxi, she may very well to mean you've closed the lid on this completely.

You may have to do a little back tracking. Offer to take her to dinner to have a chat. Speak very frankly to her, and try not to get píssed off with her. I could see why she might think she doesn't know where she stands with you. Just ask her if you can both put the ammo down, and just have an honest conversation with her. There seems to be no grey areas with her, simple black or white.

lazybones32

so_lost wrote: »

"...I'd like to make this right. I'd like us to get past this and move forward, hopefully into greater things. At the end of the day, I do love you".

That being said, saying "stop being passive" is an easy thing to say - sometimes the only course of action is to not do anything. And believe me when I say, that is the hardest thing to do for me. I can't brute force this. However, I'm genuinely afraid that leaving her alone only gives her a chance to build even higher walls, and push me even further away.

I'm at a loss right now, being honest. There are no magic words I can say to fix this. And saying nothing does nothing either.

No-one here is offering you a magical or foolproof solution; just practical advice that may or may not work.
The two of you didn't fall in love accidentally; or by saying and doing nothing. It happened because of what you both did...if you want the woman, put up some bit of a fight. Why not say what you wrote above (the first paragraph: i changed one word)? That sounds honest, sincere and direct without being pushy or needy.
Or you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself, wallowing in self-pity and feeling powerless. If it's sympathy you're looking for, you won't get it from me...not while there is something that can be done to ameliorate the situation...but you just won't do it.

LegacyUser

Estrellita wrote: »

I don't think there is a middle ground here. Regardless of whether it's in the job itself or outside of work get-togethers you still have to maintain a level of professionalism and respect amongst all of the people that work under you. All it would take is a disgruntled employee to raise your personal life mid disagreement. I don't mean to be crude but - 'sure isn't he riding that one anyway' comments might fly if she appears in any way to get preferential treatment (or seems to).

This was my concern, pretty much. That anything she did well, or was praised for, somebody would say was simply because we were together, rather than on its own merits.

Estrellita wrote: »

You would be surprised the difference of attitudes that different nationalities have with many things, including matters of the heart.

In my view, I have to say some here - Irish can be very wary about saying they love someone. It's like we are always on the defensive. You don't mention your ladies nationality, but others can be very straight forward about their feelings. Hearts are worn on sleeves and grand declarations of love are made. If you say the relationship is over to her, then it probably means exactly that.

By comparison, some Irish - tend to play games a bit more. Or lash out and say things they don't really mean only to hope there is a way of salvaging the relationship later.

In my case it was being wary about saying those words simply in response, rather than meaning them from the heart. I think I responded "I don't know" when she said it though, so not exactly my best response.

When you were angry with her and sent her off in the taxi, she may very well to mean you've closed the lid on this completely.

Estrellita wrote: »

You may have to do a little back tracking. Offer to take her to dinner to have a chat. Speak very frankly to her, and try not to get píssed off with her. I could see why she might think she doesn't know where she stands with you. Just ask her if you can both put the ammo down, and just have an honest conversation with her. There seems to be no grey areas with her, simple black or white.

lazybones32 wrote: »

No-one here is offering you a magical or foolproof solution; just practical advice that may or may not work.
The two of you didn't fall in love accidentally; or by saying and doing nothing. It happened because of what you both did...if you want the woman, put up some bit of a fight. Why not say what you wrote above (the first paragraph: i changed one word)? That sounds honest, sincere and direct without being pushy or needy.
Or you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself, wallowing in self-pity and feeling powerless. If it's sympathy you're looking for, you won't get it from me...not while there is something that can be done to ameliorate the situation...but you just won't do it.

I do appreciate the advice given here, and I'm not looking for sympathy. That's what I had hoped yesterday could be, before things went pear-shaped - a chance to talk, to put the ammo down, and to try and crawl out of the hole we'd dug for ourselves rather than digging it deeper. And I'd tried talking about it the couple of days prior to this (as mentioned in the OP, this has been over the course of a week).

I do feel quite powerless though right now, I'm not going to lie. Not because I'm unwilling to do something, but because I feel like I could push this over the edge if I try to broach it again. I don't want to be "that guy" either. The girl does have the right to be upset IMO - the uncertainty, the lack of reciprocation at times, the missed trip away (I didn't go on a weekend away because I found out other colleagues would be there and I didn't want to be around them all weekend after working with them all week). I've given her reason to ask questions. However, there's a part of me that does question if her response is a measured one, or over the top. And I do feel like I'm being 'punished' in a way - that the tings I did do were not taken into account.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

OP I feel for you because it's clear you are going through the emotional ringer here, however...

This is ridiculously dramatic for two professional adults. The "I love you...but will you say it back?" problem is one invented on TV shows when they need a bit of dramatic tension to fill an episode, and played out in real life by teenagers in their first relationship when they're just re-enacting stuff they saw on said TV shows because they don't understand how to do real, adult relationships. If someone started this furore with me over that, I'd seriously question whether I want to be with them because they're not emotionally ready for something real.

Thank you for this - although it's hard for me to see any other perspective right now other than "I messed up", getting other perspectives is helping. But to be clear, the whole situation doesn't hinge on the "I love you", though that was a large factor - it's cumulative I think - through other actions, she wasn't sure that she was loved, and then when she took the risk and put herself out there, I pretty much validated that with my lack of response. I'm saying that not to try and blame myself for everything, but to be fair to the girl and paint the whole picture. She didn't simply lose it that night, it took a couple of weeks from then to get to here.

leggo wrote: »

Here is what's real: she responded to not getting the emotional reaction she wanted (something you can't force and shouldn't expect from another human) by hurting you. You've learned a new thing about her now: that's what she does when she doesn't get what she wants, she hurts someone and burns everything down in her tantrum. So you can expect a lifetime of that every time your feelings don't match hers. First it's this, then she's telling you she feels nothing for you because you didn't get the butter she likes in the weekly shop.

The part in bold stood out to me when I read it. What must she be thinking to take this avenue, rather than seeing if it can be salvaged.

leggo wrote: »

Mate, you're the one who should be annoyed here and questioning everything. You could've communicated it better, yes, but you also then made an effort to make amends and it made no difference. She'll either cop on and apologise or she won't, and if she doesn't then as much as it'll hurt in the short-term, in the long run you won't be sorry trust me.

This is pretty much how I feel when I get it together enough to be a little bit objective. I didn't communicate well, and I didn't show her in the way she may have needed at times. But I didn't get it all wrong either. I did do a lot, for her, and with her, to show her how I felt about her. And I laid my heart on the line over the weekend in a letter (on the advice of a friend). I described everything I felt about her, how I've always felt - and I've never felt so vulnerable in my life by doing that.

leggo

Consider this though: it's a relatively short relationship, and it's fallen apart in a relatively short amount of time (even if it's a few weeks rather than one fight)...could it be that the intense feelings you're going through are something other than love? Saying they're infatuation sounds like I'm belittling them when I'm absolutely not, these feelings are very real and anyone who's felt them for someone knows that, but they seem to have more in common with the former (and often break ups or problems when you're infatuated are a lot more intense than long-term loving relationships).

When you're in love with someone, aside from the sexual aspect it's a lot like loving your family or friends: it's deep and embedded within you. It's not fleeting and can't just disappear overnight, or even over a short period of time, no matter what they do. You also feel safe being vulnerable around them, like you can not see them for hours/days/weeks at a time and you're not threatened that it'll change things. That's love.

So, if anything, the intensity of these feelings only serves to back up your initial reservations. You don't seem to feel the comfort that true love should provide, neither does she. Maybe you were right after all for your reservations? If you can identify that and acknowledge it as true, it might start the healing process and allow you to get to a better emotional state to deal with this, whether it be putting it back together or dealing with the end.

qwerty13

Quote from OP: “I had bought a ticket to her home country as a surprise for New Years - it's something she told me a while back would make her year, and that although she didn't think it would happen, she would love it if I did.”

This, in conjunction with the rest, makes me think that she’s quite good looking and is uttterly & completely playing you. And that she is nastily manipulative.

So she drops huge ‘hints’, which you spent a lot of money on as a ‘surprise’ to keep her happy. Right.

Then you aren’t paying enough public attention to her, in an environment in which she knows has consequences- but she throws a strop.

Sorry OP, but you’ve got yourself a jealous GF, who intends for you to keep her financially for ever. She will make your life hell. Get rid ASAP

Lindy17

Just to comment on the context of your situation- knowing workplace relationships are frowned upon and being in the position of power and having witnessed the consequences of this I think you were entirely right to not have been publicising the relationship. But you seem to really be beating yourself up about it.

I have a friend who is dating her boss, its not forbidden but senior management need to be aware. Its very much frowned upon by other members of staff who are now also aware. There have been issues of bullying where my friend has been treated like she’s a “spy” for her boss and excluded by others. Now from my understanding he’s not exactly a popular manager and obviously this impacts their reaction. Some distasteful comments have been made about how she retained her position and had her contract renewed when other staff did not! She has admitted every time something like that happens it casts doubts on her whole relationship.

From your posts it seems like this kind of thing would be the last thing you wanted for your gf. It sounds like you were trying to protect her. Be kinder to yourself you’re accepting all the blame readily when your actions were understandable