Don't feel secure in relationship sometimes. Not sure if it's just me

MinnieMouse00

I've been with this guy for 8 months. I don't want to go into too much detail in case someone I know sees this but the guy is a couple of years older than me. I'm in my early 20s. At the moment I feel insecure in the relationship and I'm not sure if this is normal. It's kind of my first proper relationship.
One issue I had is he likes a lot of girls selfies on instagram. Real life girls that don't live far away.I've noticed he comments on some of the pictures with sexual references to their face or body. Letting them know he fancies them basically. I've tried to let that go as normal in a relationship. He said to me before he may find girls attractive but he's with me because he wants to be. He looks but doesn't touch kind of thing. I sometimes get anxious if he ignores my texts when I know he's online. He just tells me to relax and he'll get back to me when he can. I'm trying not to think the worst but my brain seems to love jumping to the worst possible scenario!
But when he's with me he's lovey dovey. He brings me on dates, pays for everything. We're going on a short weekend break soon that he has paid for. He makes references to the future about moving in with me, going on holiday, spending christmas next year together. He's very affectionate, holds my hand, kisses my hand! He even recently after a date held my face, looked into my eyes and said he loves me. It was very romantic and he definitely meant it because you can tell! He looked so vulnerable saying it. He doesn't say it that often face to face so it felt nice.

So that's all good. I don't know why I feel insecure at times. I sometimes think he wouldn't even notice my absence if we broke up! But yet I believe he does love me. I am a good girlfriend to him. I look after him when he's sick, brought him medicine, do little errands whenever he needs me, spent days in a hospital with him! I'm literally always there when he needs me So logically it wouldn't make sense that he wouldn't miss me.

I would love advice on just how to relax in the relationship. This is my first long relationship so I'm not really sure what to expect in an 8 month relationship.

leggo

Two general, but different, rules of thumb I'd have that are relevant here:

1) I consider keeping 'Plan Bs' cheating. That's a personal choice, but it's a rule I have and stand by. By a 'Plan B', I mean someone you're keeping sweet and actively letting know you'd be interested in if your current relationship went tits up. It's totally on the cheating spectrum, especially if it's done publicly. If I saw someone I know is in a relationship commenting publicly saying someone else was hot, I'd feel bad for their partner, it's so disrespectful. I'm not a jealous person and consider stuff like harmless, playful flirting with others healthy if you're in a relationship, but there's a line and that crosses it for me. It's something I let partners know about when we have the conversation about what we see as acceptable and not, and if they did it to me I'd consider breaking up with them on the spot because of that. By the sounds of things you haven't set this down as a red line yet, so if it bothers you enough (and that's okay), then I'd suggest a stern chat and warning with this in place as a future red line is in order.

2) I joke with female friends that men aren't like pigs, we're more like dogs in that you have to train us. You're getting anxious, having all of these doubts and over-thinking. Now some of this is natural in a relationship, some of it is caused by his own actions, and some of it is self-perpetuating because you seem deathly afraid of losing him. The latter is a problem. Realise that you have power in this. This relationship is both his AND yours, you have a 50% say. If something is bothering you, say it, don't curl into a ball of anxiety because you're afraid you'll lose him. IF saying so did cause him to leave...then he's going to leave one day anyway and you're better off having that happen sooner rather than later. So say how you feel, stop being afraid to speak because you don't want things to end, take control of your own life and feelings and you'll be happier. We get in relationships because they're supposed to make our lives better, not worse, so you should feel empowered and like your feelings matter. And if they don't to him? Move on and find someone who does make you feel that way, simple. Have this attitude and the dynamic of the relationship will balance out, then you can train him to be the partner you want him to be in every aspect and don't have to have these anxieties anymore.

strandroad

MinnieMouse00 wrote: »

One issue I had is he likes a lot of girls selfies on instagram. Real life girls that don't live far away.I've noticed he comments on some of the pictures with sexual references to their face or body. Letting them know he fancies them basically. I've tried to let that go as normal in a relationship. He said to me before he may find girls attractive but he's with me because he wants to be. He looks but doesn't touch kind of thing.

Well he goes well past looking if he comments suggestively on their photos. An unusual thing to do in a relationship, and disrespectful to you. Do they know he's not single, or would they message him back thinking he is?

But when he's with me he's lovey dovey. He brings me on dates, pays for everything. We're going on a short weekend break soon that he has paid for.

Paying for stuff is not a proof of love, do not allow anyone to convince you that it is.

MinnieMouse00

strandroad wrote: »

Well he goes well past looking if he comments suggestively on their photos. An unusual thing to do in a relationship, and disrespectful to you. Do they know he's not single, or would they message him back thinking he is?



Paying for stuff is not a proof of love, do not allow anyone to convince you that it is.

I'm not sure. They would probably think he's single. He doesn't have pictures of us on his Instagram. He literally only has 2 pictures of himself the rest are random stuff. Unless they saw us together in real life or he told them they might think he's single. Does that mean he's looking for someone else while with me?

Big Bag of Chips

All the "nice things" he does for you, he could also be doing for any other number of girls. Nothing you've mentioned makes him special or an amazing boyfriend. And the commenting sexually on other girls' photos certainly doesn't make him special. You've told him you don't like it. He's told you "tough". So now you decide if it's something you can continue with or if it's not.

Smile111

I find if they charming you, they charming others.
They know exactly what you want to hear and say it but also are saying it to others.

WIZWEB

OP you don't feel secure because you are being disrespected. He's already discovered that your personal boundaries are weak. This after he's pushed them hard several times while chasing others with your knowledge. This crap doesn't happen in loving relationships. Most people run first time yet you didn't. In fairness neither did I when it first happened to me. One thing I know if left unchallenged these inappropriate behaviors will escalate over time.

Don't forget he knows you're online too and chooses to ignore you then. All adding to your insecurities yet you still run after him. Maybe even more which feeds his ego.

Oh ignore all this 'future-faking' that he's telling you. That just maintains the illusion while keeping you on a string.

His actions contradict his words. The evidence is there.

Sorry for being so blunt. You're not a priority just an option. Don't mind the spending on you. That will pass too when someone else takes his fancy or your worth is minimized enough. Trust your instinct. It's trying to protect you.

At best I suggest a serious boundary setting/respect demanding chat. If changes are not agreed and adhered to from this then I'd be gone.

Estrellita

MinnieMouse00 wrote: »

One issue I had is he likes a lot of girls selfies on instagram. Real life girls that don't live far away.I've noticed he comments on some of the pictures with sexual references to their face or body. Letting them know he fancies them basically. I've tried to let that go as normal in a relationship.

Well it's not. In a loving, respectful relationship you don't carry on like that.

You've rose tinted glasses on when it comes to this guy. I'm sorry to be brutal but he sounds like a charmer and a complete áss. His behaviour would mean a red card for me, and probably a lot of other women. I just wouldn't be able to trust him.

zoobizoo

Estrellita wrote: »

<Snip>

That's not right him doing that.

If he's that into you he should not be doing that.

There's no reason for him to be doing that.

It's be like you guys out for brunch and him turning to the attractive woman to your right saying "hey baby..... How you doing?"

And you wouldn't put up with that

Flippyfloppy

I think you're being blindsided into thinking this is normal from him. He's contacting other real life girls in public, yet acting all lovey Dovey toward you. So you're thinking, this must be normal??

It's totally not normal. Commenting on celebs is one thing, but this, nope. Trust your own instinct that's telling you something is up.

MinnieMouse00

I have an update, albeit not a good one. So he decided recently to spring on me do I want to move country with him. Bearing in mind we haven't lived together yet and amongst other reasons I don't really want to go. I feel like we need to be together as a couple way longer for that. He more or less told me he wants to go either way, with or without me. So everything he told me before that wasn't true. I feel heartbroken at this stage. I honestly thought he loved me. He will not be going for quite a while, up to a year maybe. But I don't know what to think anymore. My head is messed up. I have really strong feelings for him and the thought of him leaving for good is awful.

MinnieMouse00

Estrellita wrote: »

Well it's not. In a loving, respectful relationship you don't carry on like that.

You've rose tinted glasses on when it comes to this guy. I'm sorry to be brutal but he sounds like a charmer and a complete áss. His behaviour would mean a red card for me, and probably a lot of other women. I just wouldn't be able to trust him.

I do. Because I have strong feelings for him. This is basically the first guy I have properly loved. And it hurts knowing I care more about him than he does about me even though he claims to be in love with me.

Aspadeaspade

Basically OP, you've enough doubts about this fella and his behaviour to come onto a public forum asking for opinions. Just that alone says enough about how secure you feel with him. This guy doesn't sound trustworthy at all. Your instinct is telling you to pay attention to certain things, little red flags you are seeing. Our instinct is never wrong OP. The mistake we often make is wanting our instinct to be wrong 'just this once'.. but it never is, is it? I was seeing a man for a few months a while ago after a long time out of the dating game due to personal reasons. I would normally be pretty relaxed but before I knew it I was picking up on the most subtle signals without realizing it.. Anyway there were enough little things to rattle my cage and say to him that I was getting these impressions and couldn't shake them off. Of course he was very offended by the suggestions I made and I felt a little guilty but stood by my remarks. Some time later we were in contact again but never with the intention of starting something up again. We soon had enough confidence to talk openly about a lot of things and sure enough he had slept with half his work colleagues and had cheated on his ex wife at every given opportunity.. almost basking in telling me the gory details of his adventures.. needless to say I dodged a bullet there and all on almost a hunch as I the signs were very subtle, not as obvious as this fella you're talking about.. I know you're really into him but he doesn't deserve to have you falling for him OP. I think you should distance yourself and someone more deserving will come along again. Good luck.

WIZWEB

OP you've gotten very fair and honest advice from posters here. You can choose to ignore it all and follow your heart instead of your head. He's going abroad with or without you! You'll never be his priority as you're not now at this early 'relationship' stage. I see his physical exit as a gift. A chance to say adios to him with no bad feelings or constant physical reminders by running into him as he will be gone.

Apologies for being so blunt but I think you really need a reality check here....

You could of course decide to go with him where you'll really experience abandonment and loneliness when he eventually discards you. You'll be miles away from family and friends in a different country then. Can you handle that situation?? Maybe he wants to build a foreign harem to replace his Irish one. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve so much more than his few stale crumbs. Imagine ending up pregnant in such circumstances by this man. He's lied to you about so many things already. Why should your life abroad together be any better? I guarantee you the current disrespect and mindgames will seem like a holiday in comparison. Suppose he might be happy enough to invite you over so you could pay half his rent while he's off out having 'fun'.

A common theme a few of us have highlighted is to trust your instincts. I'm sorry but he's a bad egg and if you're honest to yourself you'll know that. You may or may not be in love with him but you're most likely addicted to his dramas. He's certainly not in love with you.

Get some counselling to work on your low self-esteem. A few sessions might save you making that trip to Hell. When you work on self-care then your self-respect will improve. Personal Boundaries should be a discussion topic with a good Counsellor. Unless these are significantly improved you'll continue to display a welcome doormat for future abuse from toxic individuals.

Aspadeaspade

On the tail end of that last solid comment OP, I meant to also say earlier that this whole going away idea sounds like he just needs a wingman to make that jump and go away. It's probably a daunting task for him on his own but you can bet your bottom dollar that once he's settled in in his new spot, then he'll really turn up the volume on his behaviour as he'll feel more comfortable being away (not that it sounds like it's an issue to be honest) but you'll also be far more isolated and vulnerable and more likely to put up with even more of his disrespectful behaviour. It's pretty rubbish for you to be in this situation as it's your first real relationship OP.. but at the same time you're getting an important lesson in learning where your boundaries are. It's good that you're getting a taste of what you don't like/accept this soon. You'll be less likely to waste time on another fella with the same 'characteristics'..

MinnieMouse00

WIZWEB wrote: »

<Snip>

I will not be going anywhere. That's something I'm dead certain on. I'm a college student finishing my course so not a chance. If he wants to leave and leave the relationship and not care about leaving me behind then so be it. You are probably right he doesn't love me. I wanted to believe it since he's always saying it to me. This just proves it for me again that he honestly couldn't care if I was in his life or not. I honestly think he wouldn't be bothered whatsoever. But I'm grateful for all the advice I got on here! Really put things into perspective.

Big Bag of Chips

The cynic in me would believe that this is a "test" he is setting you up to fail. He doesn't really care all that much about you. He probably doesn't really want you to move anywhere with him. Not really. But he is making you this offer, that he knows realistically you can't/won't take. Then when you turn it down and the relationship fails, then that's your fault. Same way as he posts all these inappropriate comments on other girls' pages, and if you have a problem with it, that's your fault.

I think inexperience and relationship immaturity are making you believe this fella is the bees knees. You think he's great (he's really not). You think he's the best you can ever get (he's not). You think if you stick it out and "accept this as normal in a relationship" you'll live happily ever after into old age (you won't). He might be happy, because he'll have the illusion of a gf and the freedom of a single man to do as he pleases without fear of repercussions. Because you have already shown him you're going to accept it all. But you certainly won't be happy, and you'll probably have thread after thread on here asking 'is this normal' before you stop posting because you won't want to hear what anyone keeps telling you!

That's your future if you continue this charade of a relationship.

WIZWEB

OP I'm glad you're taking posters advice onboard. Having empathy we can imagine how painful this experience is for you. You've got virtual strangers here caring much more for your emotional needs than a lad who says he loves you! Reflect on that assertion.

I remember a partners dramas during my final college year. Nearly cost me the course until I got my priorities right. Focus on you and what you need to successfully complete your qualification. I'm glad you are mindfully putting this before him. You've enough stress to deal with besides Mr. Drama Lama.

His actions don't match his words so totally disregard his ongoing verbal diarrhea. Think of his words (lies) as bait (crumbs) to hook you. You/nobody deserves these behaviors. But we got to ask ourselves why we choose to swallow them---hook, line and sinker! Unfortunately you got yourself deeply attached to an illusion. Many of us here have done just that. It's taken me years to cop on but a few counselling sessions helped me finally avoid dating/befriending toxic people. You can save yourself a lot of heartache and recovery time using that method. Many colleges offer free counselling sessions. Take care

MinnieMouse00

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP I'm glad you're taking posters advice onboard. Having empathy we can imagine how painful this experience is for you. You've got virtual strangers here caring much more for your emotional needs than a lad who says he loves you! Reflect on that assertion.

I remember a partners dramas during my final college year. Nearly cost me the course until I got my priorities right. Focus on you and what you need to successfully complete your qualification. I'm glad you are mindfully putting this before him. You've enough stress to deal with besides Mr. Drama Lama.

His actions don't match his words so totally disregard his ongoing verbal diarrhea. Think of his words (lies) as bait (crumbs) to hook you. You/nobody deserves these behaviors. But we got to ask ourselves why we choose to swallow them---hook, line and sinker! Unfortunately you got yourself deeply attached to an illusion. Many of us here have done just that. It's taken me years to cop on but a few counselling sessions helped me finally avoid dating/befriending toxic people. You can save yourself a lot of heartache and recovery time using that method. Many colleges offer free counselling sessions. Take care

Thank you. Yeah he doesn't seem to have much consideration for me in any of this. He has always been really self centred. My friends and family don't like how I'm being hurt by this guy time and time again. I can't even tell them he wants to move away cause they are going to think what the eff! He wants us to continue being in a relationship because he "wants to be with me" until he leaves which could be whenever, a few months to a year. Who knows.

MinnieMouse00

Well I have another update. He was ignoring my texts the past few days. I was getting more and more anxious and upset. At one point I couldn't sleep with worry not knowing what was going on. He was blatantly ignoring my texts because he was still online the whole time. I sent him a text yesterday saying you're hurting me by ignoring me. He read that, didn't answer it. I sent one last text half an hour ago. He finally decides to text me three words. "We are finished". This was after ignoring me for days. He was never going to even tell me until I asked him what was going on he was going to continue to ignore me until I went away. And we were supposed to be IN A RELATIONSHIP. We had a weekend trip booked for Christmas in a weeks time which he was never going to tell me was cancelled either. I'm distraught with the way he treated me. He would treat a stranger better than the way he treated the girl he was with for 8 months who he "loved". I'm so upset.

Ursus Horribilis

At least you know where you stand now. It's telling that you said " My friends and family don't like how I'm being hurt by this guy time and time again". This guy has done you a favour by ending things in the way he did. You now know where you stand and aren't being dangled at the end of a string and treated as an option. And because of the ignorant and disrespectful way he dumped you, you're seeing his true colours. At least it was only an 8 month old relationship and that you didn't waste more time on him. Hopefully you'll learn something from this and not allow yourself to be treated in this manner again. Onwards and upwards.

Big Bag of Chips

Whatever you do, this is the point where you have to be strong. You will want to contact him. You will want answers or an explanation. You'll have so many questions that you want answered. But you have to know, no conversation you have with him will end satisfactorily for you. He will say things to hurt you. Deliberately. He will put you down. He will blame you. He will be as mean and as spiteful as he possibly can be.

He's not a nice person. Everyone who replied to you could see that. He kept up a fairly flimsy charade for a while, but he didn't fool most. People like him also cannot take any responsibility for their actions and the hurt they cause others. They are never at fault.

Please delete his number. Delete him from everywhere. Block him from everywhere and resist the urge to go looking for answers. If you feel yourself weakening, text one of your family or friends instead. Keep yourself busy. It wasn't a nice thing to happen, but hopefully you'll move on wiser. You'll now know the warning signs earlier. This relationship wasn't going to go the distance. You would have eventually copped on and ended it. He knew that and got in their first. Like I said previously he can now make up some narrative in his head where he had to break up with you, and it's all your fault.

Move on. Because I guarantee you, he is not spending as much time thinking about this, and you, as you are him.

MinnieMouse00

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Whatever you do, this is the point where you have to be strong. You will want to contact him. You will want answers or an explanation. You'll have so many questions that you want answered. But you have to know, no conversation you have with him will end satisfactorily for you. He will say things to hurt you. Deliberately. He will put you down. He will blame you. He will be as mean and as spiteful as he possibly can be.

He's not a nice person. Everyone who replied to you could see that. He kept up a fairly flimsy charade for a while, but he didn't fool most. People like him also cannot take any responsibility for their actions and the hurt they cause others. They are never at fault.

Please delete his number. Delete him from everywhere. Block him from everywhere and resist the urge to go looking for answers. If you feel yourself weakening, text one of your family or friends instead. Keep yourself busy. It wasn't a nice thing to happen, but hopefully you'll move on wiser. You'll now know the warning signs earlier. This relationship wasn't going to go the distance. You would have eventually copped on and ended it. He knew that and got in their first. Like I said previously he can now make up some narrative in his head where he had to break up with you, and it's all your fault.

Move on. Because I guarantee you, he is not spending as much time thinking about this, and you, as you are him.

Yeah he was so cold. Just text three words to say we are finished. No empathy or anything from him. He blamed me, said I was too "clingy" and "paranoid". Paranoid because my supposed boyfriend was complimenting girls on Instagram while in a relationship with me! My friends laughed when I told them what he said. They said he doesn't know what clingy is clearly! I'm not contacting him again I'm done being treated like rubbish by him. Spent 8 months with him and he decides to treat me like dirt on his shoe. I have blocked him. He blocked me last night after I did. I'm disgusted.

ellie1

This is the time you are going to have to be very strong. He is playing games with you. You complained about his comments on other women and he brushes it off. You tell him you are not going away with him and he finishes it.

Never unblock him never contact him again ever. No matter how lonely , sad etc you feel this Christmas. Do not reply to any attempts he makes to contact you with apologies or declarations of love.

If something doesn't feel right, it's not right. Trust yourself your gut was right. Now get fit and healthy , get out with your friends, finish your course and always always trust and believe in yourself.

Someday in the future he will become a distant memory and you will remember how dignified you were. You met an asshole and you knew it. He knew that you knew he was a knob. So he finished and used the age old classic needy clingy line. **** off , he is a ****ing clown and your well rid.