A bit worried about my brother...

bobsman

Hi folks, my brother has lived in the States for 15 years. He is 45.

He divorced 2 years ago and has a 14 year old son. To be honest, I don't know much about his marriage. Him and her were very private but the divorce hit him hard as we adores his son, however custody is more or less 50/50.

My brother is renting a place. We chat online a lot, through Messenger, etc. There are a few things that are worrying me, maybe irrationally.

He is very introverted. He was never the life and soul, he is shy. He lives for this son's visits every weekend and seems to depend on his son for company. This worries me as I know from teenagers, they very quickly develop their own social circle. Also, my brother is constantly online. Instagram / Facebook. His only friends seem to be his FB friends. Also, I noticed that he seems to be infatuated with a married woman, who is much younger than him. He seems to like and comment on every post /photo, etc. I asked him about her and he said she is a good friend but I think this is odd:rolleyes:

He started a new job almost a year ago and I'm worried he will lose it as he's constantly online while working.

I have gently told him to try to maybe attend work social things, etc. But he is extremely stubborn, always has been.

I feel he is behaving in a teenage way, with all the online stuff. Maybe, I'm over thinking. I don't bother much with social media, just corresponding with him really.

A mutual friend of him and I brought it up with me recently that my brother seems to be spending too much time online and depending on his son, it think this brought it home to me.

Am I over analysing (which I tend to do )!!

Batgurl

In a similar predicament with a close friend OP except swap son for dog. Went through a tough breakup and now everything is about the dog except when she develops strong infatuations with work colleagues who are either married or not interested.

We (her closest friends) tried to intervene gentley and then bluntly, but nothing worked.

You described your brothers behaviour as teenage so I would advise you to treat it as such and hope he grows out of it. There will likely be mistakes made along the way but he will learn from these mistakes and hopefully grow from them.

We are still going through it with our friend. She’s at the mistakes made phase so we are just supporting her and trying to be there for her. It’s tough because you want to shake them and tell them what to do but we’ve learned you can’t control people (nor shouldn’t try to) no matter how much you love them.

bobsman

Hi batgirl, at least your friend has you guys. My brother has no other friends apart from his FB friends :mad:. Don't worry too much about your friend. She's grieving the break up. She will be fine, she's lucky to have you guys

bobsman

Anyone?? :pac:usually Skype him tonight. Want to have a bit of a chat but don't want to put my foot in it !

zoobizoo

The online thing can be very juevenile...

I don't post anything personal on FB anymore but there was a time when everyone did.... most of us grew out of it. The problem with those who don't is that it looks like they haven't grown up. I give out to my wife for posting stuff up. She doesn't tag me in our photos now.


Could you say "dude, I'm a bit worried about you..... ".... he'll ask why.

Then you could say that, well, I notice that you are constantly leaving messages on X's FB page and it looks, well, from where you're sitting, that it's a bit too friendly and the husband might not be too happy.

Also, that" it seems you're constantly living in the online world rather than the outside world where there are chicks and friendships and fun"


Does your mutual friend live here on there?

bobsman

Hi zoo, thanks, our mutual friend lives here but said he's in contact with my brother a lot and has noticed that he's constantly online and seems to becoming very introverted.

He is posting comments on this chick's Instagram and FB, nothing untoward or creepy. What bothers me is, she is much younger than him and married yet considers her a good friend. To me, that is a strange dynamic. He mentioned recently he bought two tickets for a gig and asked her and she said she had something else on. I told him he shouldn't have asked her. She's married and he retorted that there's nothing in it, she's a friend!

He's totally alone on xmas day as his son will be with him mam.

Am going to chat with him later. I'll be upfront and just tell him I'm a little worried.

I'm just wondering, if this is "life" now. Social media, etc....

Big Bag of Chips

Well, it IS life now, for a lot of people. You say your brother is very introverted and has always been shy. If that's the case then regardless of being online or not he was unlikely have a wide social circle and a choice of places to go. I know you are concerned about it, and maybe with good reason. But he is a 45 year old man. The younger woman that he is friends with is still woman. If she's old enough to be married then she is probably also old enough to handle a little bit of attention from your brother. Maybe he fancies her. Maybe she's a nice person who has taken him under her wing, and he is clinging to her because, as an introvert, she's the only friend he has over there in real life.

Maybe her and her husband both feel a bit sorry for him and her husband understands completely that his wife is a good friend but also has her clear boundaries.. not going to a concert with him for example.

I do understand your concern for him. But not everyone lives the same life, and not everyone is interested in having a hobby, or a social group etc. Keep chatting to him. Keep the lines of communication open, but maybe stop telling him all the things he shouldn't be doing. That's only likely to alienate him from you.

bobsman

Thanks chips. Yeah he has always been introverted but even more so since the marriage broke down. He does fancy this girl. He told me that if her marriage broke up, they'd be together. I said he cannot rely on that possibility and perhaps pursue a relationship that's more obtainable.

zoobizoo

He needs to not be in a friendship with her if that's the case. Or he needs to realise that that's not a real possibility.

He shouldn't therefore be commenting on her digital accounts if that is where he is coming from.... I'm 45 and I learned many years ago not to be constantly commenting on pages of younger women - and especially not those who were attached / married. It's a matter of respect for them and self respect.

You;ve every right to be worried about him.

Does he have any friends from when he was married who weren't solely her friends who he could reach out to?

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, well that puts a very different slant on it. I think though, as an adult man there's not much you can do for him from here. He will continue to make his own choices and he will continue to wait for her to leave her husband. I hope she has a good support network around her. I think the time will come where she tries to phase him out, or might have to go all out and block him. But again, he's a grownup and will have to deal with it.

I think the only real thing you can do for him is keep the lines of communication open.

bobsman

Thanks lads. I really don't think this girl leaving her hubby is on the cards. It's all in my brother's head. He was home last year for a week and spent his entire time online.

I jokingly suggested last year, he needs to get laid and he said he uses cam girls :rolleyes:. It's like he is living his life online.

I brought it up with him before and he said it's how "things" are these days.

When he was here, he was on FB 24/7. He is friends with a girl who is easily 25. He made a comment about her profile pic and I said he came across as a complete knob. It's obvious from her page, this girl is engaged. He backed off from that particular girl afterwards.

He doesn't have any friends from his marriage at all. He has one good friend who lives 5 hour drive away, but he is married with kids, etc.

Chips is right. There is absolutely nothing I can do but leave communication open.

dd972

He can't be that 'shy' if he met a wife and cleared off to the U.S, bit sceptical about that, I'm guessing he's probably a somewhat self-absorbed loner, there's loads of blokes who are like this,have a house, wife and kids and not a friend in the world.

bobsman

Thanks DD. He met the wife a long time ago. He was a bit more sociable then!! She was the main breadwinner and got a great opportunity so they made the decision to leave. My brother wasn't 100% happy but wanted to be with his wife and son.

We had a chat the other night. We mentioned xmas day and he will be alone but will be with his son on Stephens day. I gently tried to encourage him to maybe attend his work Xmas party (we works for a large firm). He said no!!

I mentioned that he appears to be online an awful lot and he said it is his only interaction. He has no actual friends where he lives. Just the younger married one (let's call her Jane). I said he maybe needs to let it go as she is married, with small kids, etc....her time is invested in them. He said they are great friends, very close

Big Bag of Chips

bobsman, as per the Forum Charter, opening multiple posts in the same forum is not allowed. As you have opened another thread in RI I will lock this one.

There's not a whole lot you can do for your adult brother. He is a man who wil make his own life. You may not agree with how he lives it, but it's his choice.

Thread locked.