late 30s, never been in relationship -lost

LegacyUser

As the title says, i'm in my late 30s (36), female. I've never been in a relationship, only came close once. (dated a guy for approx 3 months about 5 years ago). We were both about to move abroad so that put and end to things.
Increasingly I spend more and more time pondering about this, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.
I know that a big factor, well when I was younger anyhow, was my severe lack of confidence. I understand now that not having confidence in myself was the main factor in my lack of relationships from the ages of 18-26/27. It makes me sad now, when I look back at the person I was then, soft, naive, lacking in confidence. it's like I was in a few leagues lowers than all my friends. I just wasn't competing at all. I missed out on a lot. I suppose I never has those years of snogging all round me during my teens, all the things that people did. I was also socially excluded/bullied during secondary school. This has huge impact on my too. long lasting. Again, it makes me a bit sad that this happened to me, that it affected me and played it's part in stunted growth (emotionally).
So, I got counselling when I was 27/28. It was a big help for me. I was definitely able to make sense of things. I also grew up in a very emotionally closed environment. My Dad is very distant. I think that has affected me too... I'm subconsciously not good at getting close to men. That doesn't help, but i'm more aware of this now.

Anyhow, in the last few years, Iv'e traveled the world by myself, moved to different cities, started new jobs, put myself out there, joined Meetups, outdoors clubs, dancing, various sports. I've dabbled in the dating apps. I have had probably 5 or 6 internet dates over the past couple of years. None of them were good dates... zero connection, some awkward. I've deleted the apps from my phone. I know online dating is very popular and I know it works (2 friends met their husbands on POF). but for me, I hate the experience. I don't mind going on dates, it's the speculative messaging, boring conversations, it's so time consuming. I'd rather go for a run in the evening, than sit on the couch sending messages to randomers who often dont reply. it's such an investment of time for little return. well, that's my experience anyhow.

I look at my friends, more and more of them settling down, kids etc. Sometimes when I compare my lives to theirs. like for example, some of them have never put themselves out there they way I have. they'd barely left home. When it comes to meeting men, they walked into a bar, met mr Right, and bobs your uncle. done deal. Then there's me... travelling, being adventurous, moving to new towns/cities taking umpteen risks to make new friends, and it just doesn't every seem to pay off. it's just one big void in that aspect of my life.
I know I must sound very negative. It's not like this plays on my mind every day. I do try to keep myself busy, it's not on my mind 24/7, but it just gets me a bit down from to time. Getting to 36 and never even slept with a guy. I feel like a TOTAL freak. I get compliments from time to time, that I'm a catch, that iv'e so much going for myself... it's nice to get a compliment, whether it's from men or women... but it sometimes makes me feel sad too. it makes me self conscious too. like, people are wondering,.. jeez, why is Such and Such always single.
i know people might after reading this, think Oh, she's giving off the despareate vibe, she needs to relax, she needs to stop thinking about it. truth is, I don't think I go around giving off the 'I want to meet someone vibe'. Maybe I have in the past, but now I don't think so much. well I hope not.

Why the heck can't I have the things others have. Having some friendship/intimacy, just someones to get a hug off of. Having someone that wants to be with me, it's such an alien concept. time is just going by so fast as well... it's hard.
anyhow, i'm sorry for the woe is me saga... I have re-read this, and I appreciate it might sound like I sit around wallowing I dont.
I just feel really crappy about being so inexperience.
Maybe there are others out there who have similar experiences, or who have some little bit of advice.
thanks for reading.

fin12

tired ofthis wrote: »

snipping quoted OP to make it easier for mobile users/ Mod.

I would really like to know the answer to this aswell because from reading your post, I can’t understand why you can’t meet someone either. Traveling the world by yourself and living in different cities and having new jobs is no easy thing. I admire you for that, you should be very proud of yourself.

To be honest I think a lot of people are struggling to meet people nowadays, I’m one of those people but at this stage now I think you really just have to have an attitude of have no expectations when you meet/date guys.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Im a guy in my mid 30s and can relate to a lot of what you're saying about online dating. Endless one line replies - or no replies can be horrible.

It seems like a massive effort at times - but to me its the ONLY way i ever meet anyone. Im similar to you - try to go out - get into different social circle etc but never have any interaction with women outside of dating apps. And specifically pof, I've never met anyone from Tinder, despite being on and off it for ages. Been on a good few dates from girls from pof and same as you've said - some have been bad with zero connection and no conversation. That happens.

But some have been great too - with endless flowing conversation and non stop laughs and instant chemistry. Try to limit the text thing to a week and meet for a quick coffee or drink rather than endless texting - hate that too! Give it a chance. 5 or 6 dates is not a lot in the scheme of things - put yourself out there and try to have a positive outlook and approach to the date.

Best of luck

Bambi985

Do you have any/many male friends OP? What's your comfort level around men in general? Are you happy enough to chat and banter away with the lads at work for example? Do you flirt when you fancy someone? What does flirting look like for you?

As far as your appearance goes - do men look at you a lot and/or approach you when you're in public? Are you fit and in shape? Considered attractive? Well-groomed, stylish etc?

Just a few things that might be worth considering as they tend to be the two factors that draw people into relationships in a very general sense. Sorry for your predicament - you sound lovely and very worldly! I know the relationship rigmarole can feel so foreign and alien when you've been a long time single and sometimes that very lack of experience can be the biggest obstacle in that it can cause all kinds of self-esteem issues and lead to a sort of self fulfilling prophecy in and of itself. Are there any single men on the periphery of your social circle - friends of friends, cousins' friends, that kind of thing?

WIZWEB

OP I suggest you stop comparing yourself to others. You'll never win that one just as you'll never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Like many others I first came here to look for opinions on dealing with dramas in a relationship. Most of my adult life has been SPENT in relationships. Mostly toxic. I wish I'd never had most of them. Doesn't stop me wanting one so I have to believe there's someone out there to grow old with. I've did a lot of work on myself since. What I have learned is that the only relationship that really matters is the one you have with yourself. Believe me you only have to read the experiences of many posters in relationships to see that they are often overrated. You have something many on here would envy. Your emotional, psychological and personal freedom.

Of course we all get lonely and there are lots of really genuine decent people out there. Thankfully some are even single. It's nice to share a life together with the right person. Perhaps you could consider seeking a relationship counsellor who could guide you as well as help improve your dating interactions. We all would like to meet the one. Sometimes to do so we have to compromise on some of our desires while being tolerant of others. Early parental childhood experiences often give us a template for future adult interactions. These learned behaviors which we have internalized are not always beneficial nor obvious. OP when you show others how lovable you are then you'll be loved as corny as it sounds.

zoobizoo

Hey OP.

I hear you re meeting and making friends but the best thing I ever did in my early 30s was to join a club of a sport I loved.

I got to meet loads of people. I made as many friends in a couple of years as I had done in my 20s.

It was about getting to meet like minded people and just enjoying their company on nights out, weekends away etc.

Fun was at the heart of it... friendships developed followed by relationships....


Don't feel like a freak... I was only thinking the other day "Sheeeesh, life would be so easy not having any exes".... ...



Would you think about a dating agency? It's a way of meeting genuine people looking for genuine relationships who, like you, are tired of the online dating scene.

Just to add.... I know plenty of women in their 30s who are single and I've never once thought "why is such and such single?" ...... people might have been asknig the same about me in my 30s (I'm a guy) but I never let it bother me if they were.

Aspadeaspade

OP I'm close in age to you and the only thing that stands out to me apart from obvious things like someone not being a nice person and you sound like you are.. I have seen people who are attractive, both male and female but simply have problems getting into serious relationships because you can smell the eagerness off them.. their interest is too much.. it's written all over them that they really want someone.. Someone to call their own.. it's just a vibe and it's so terribly off-putting.. They're so eager to be liked, for someone to ask them out, to take an amorous interest in them.. sooner or later it has happened for them.. sometimes it has taken years but eventually it has happened and they'd settled down. I'm not saying this is your situation but you sound intelligent, interesting and attractive so be aware that these things we so desperately want can be felt wafting in the air around us and we're not even aware of it but everyone else is. My advice would be to just chill out and do what you enjoy.. just do what makes you happy without the need for someone else to complete you. This is so attractive ultimately and never fails to attract the right kind of person. Good luck.

Daisy78

Do you think perhaps you don't communicate your interest strongly enough? The poster above could be correct in saying that you come on a bit too strong for some people but equally you could be holding back for fear of seeming desperate. I'm not suggesting you ask a guy out but maybe you might need to adjust your body language to let him know that you would be interested in something more. I think some women are so worried about coming across as desperate that they tend to stay in neutral mode, polite but not communicating that they might like the guy. I know I'm guilty of this myself. From your description it sounds like you would make a great partner for the right guy. You have plenty going for you, there shouldn't be any reason why you can't meet someone.

Daisy78

Do you think perhaps you don't communicate your interest strongly enough? The poster above could be correct in saying that you come on a bit too strong for some people but equally you could be holding back for fear of seeming desperate. I'm not suggesting you ask a guy out but maybe you might need to adjust your body language to let him know that you would be interested in something more. I think some women are so worried about coming across as desperate that they tend to stay in neutral mode, polite but not communicating that they might like the guy. I know I'm guilty of this myself. From your description it sounds like you would make a great partner for the right guy. You have plenty going for you, there shouldn't be any reason why you can't meet someone.

LegacyUser

OP here.
thank you for the responses, some food for thought.
I know some on you were asking a couple of things:
Do I come across too eager? i'd say not. In saying that, i was on a night out a few weeks ago, with a group from a new club. Later in the night I was chatting to man from the club and he was talking about how he met his wife etc. He said to me that i give the impression i'm looking to meet someone. I was embarrassed!! Eek. Now, on that same night I did have my eye on a different guy from the club, so i'm wondering if I was glancing around looking at this guy, or checking his whereabouts, and maybe yer man saw that I was glancing away and not fully engaged in conversation with him, and it looked to him that I was spending too much time looking around me. . OR ELSE, I simply was giving off that awful general 'I want to meet someone' vibe.

As for getting attention from men. I definitely don't get it on a day to day basis. I'm not glammed up... kinda down to earth, not into the false lashes, or the fake tan carry on. I only make a real effort when I'm out for a night. Maybe I need to be more stylish going around the shops/supermarket?! I am no looker, but from time to time i've gotten complimented for being pretty or whatever. I have a good body, well so I'm told. Maybe I need to accentuate this and make the most of things.
Am I conformable around men? - I'm definitely a bit shy, to begin with anyway... Like i'm in a new sports clubs, there are plenty of guys. (not all single though)... I'm a bit reserved around new people. it's in my nature. what can I do. but once I get comfortable I'd be a lot more chatty. I've worked in mainly female dominated workplaces over the years. but with the boys... I generally do get on with them, and i'm totally up for the banter and messing. but only once I know them. I like sport too, so that helps I suppose. I would sense that these guys I work with like me, and see me as a catch.
Flirting- ahem.. I wouldn't be great at it, unless I've had a few drinks. Flirting to me (I'm a bit clueless) is about holding eye contact, messing/joking, and light touches on the arm for example if I find myself close enough to them. but to be honest, I'm not well practiced... I'm not out much, and even at that,.. I wouldn't be in many conversations with men even when I am out.
Unfortunately, i'm in very female dominated social circles, as are a lot of my female friends, so it's not all that easy to make friends/connections with guys...

Anyhow, I suppose the best thing I can do is, chill out, make more with my appearance, try to enjoy things and not give off desperate vibes, but at same time be friendly etc. (that bit is a fine balance- appearing open but not too eager. that is tricky, and I wonder if I have always been the wrong side of centre in this aspect. either too closed, or too eager...) :-/
Maybe, someone will come along when I'm not thinking too much, and just relaxed about it...
ah it's difficult formula...! :-/

again, thanks for reading.

kob29

OP I could have wrote much of that a few years ago, with the exception of the travelling/moving. From the other side of things i.e. in a relationship after 37 years of singledom, I'd advise two approaches:
1. Keep doing your own thing- what you like to do, what genuinely interests you and excites you.
2. Persist with online dating. I too gave up on it a few times, had a couple of cringe worthy dates, met the users etc, but then met someone else (the someone who's here now making tea in the kitchen!). I had to change approach so I wrote a very specific profile which specified who I wasn't interested in (yep I had a few mail me to criticise my fussiness etc) but it filtered out a lot of time wasters, creeps etc. I wrote back when it suited me and didn't meet anyone without a couple of weeks of interesting messages. I put up pics that look like me and in natural environments, no posed in front of mirrors or when I had a pro do my make-up of anything like that. So no unrealistic expectations.
When going on dates I stopped doing the 'go for a drink/coffee' thing, because I found it too much pressure on a face to face seated conversation- I still actually cringe when thinking about some of them. So a few 'creatures' of interest I met I went to the golf driving range, played a sport, went hiking with them i.e. my interests which showed me in the most natural light and took the pressure off and was actually a fun evening.
I found it useful to deliberately never let myself go home then and think "this is the one" kinda thoughts and I think it helps to keep messaging a few people of interest simultaneously at the start to keep out of that mindset.

I was also in the exact same position as regards physical experience and with the right person it wasn't remotely an issue.

Keep hunting but keep doing your stuff too. Best of luck.

Daisy78

tired ofthis wrote: »

OP here.
thank you for the responses, some food for thought.
I know some on you were asking a couple of things:
Do I come across too eager? i'd say not. In saying that, i was on a night out a few weeks ago, with a group from a new club. Later in the night I was chatting to man from the club and he was talking about how he met his wife etc. He said to me that i give the impression i'm looking to meet someone. I was embarrassed!! Eek. Now, on that same night I did have my eye on a different guy from the club, so i'm wondering if I was glancing around looking at this guy, or checking his whereabouts, and maybe yer man saw that I was glancing away and not fully engaged in conversation with him, and it looked to him that I was spending too much time looking around me. . OR ELSE, I simply was giving off that awful general 'I want to meet someone' vibe.

The cheek of him! What business is it of his whether you are looking to meet someone or not!! Pay no attention to that kind of thing, people can be very pass remarkable sometimes. To be honest I think you do need to send out certain vibes, otherwise it can be very difficult for guys to know if you are interested in being approached. I know plenty of women who wouldn't be particularly glamourous or beautiful but who are engaging and know how to attract men. They are naturally flirtatious and that instinctively draws men to them. There is a big difference between being friendly and flirtatious and coming across as desperate, and most men know the difference between the two.

Daisy78

tired ofthis wrote: »

OP here.
thank you for the responses, some food for thought.
I know some on you were asking a couple of things:
Do I come across too eager? i'd say not. In saying that, i was on a night out a few weeks ago, with a group from a new club. Later in the night I was chatting to man from the club and he was talking about how he met his wife etc. He said to me that i give the impression i'm looking to meet someone. I was embarrassed!! Eek. Now, on that same night I did have my eye on a different guy from the club, so i'm wondering if I was glancing around looking at this guy, or checking his whereabouts, and maybe yer man saw that I was glancing away and not fully engaged in conversation with him, and it looked to him that I was spending too much time looking around me. . OR ELSE, I simply was giving off that awful general 'I want to meet someone' vibe.

The cheek of him! What business is it of his whether you are looking to meet someone or not!! Pay no attention to that kind of thing, people can be very pass remarkable sometimes. To be honest I think you do need to send out certain vibes, otherwise it can be very difficult for guys to know if you are interested in being approached. I know plenty of women who wouldn't be particularly glamourous or beautiful but who are engaging and know how to attract men. They are naturally flirtatious and that instinctively draws men to them. There is a big difference between being friendly and flirtatious and coming across as desperate, and most men know the difference between the two.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

I'm 36 also and actually would be a little envious of your situation!

I've had 2 serious relationships and 1 five year waste of my life with someone who wouldn't commit!! I have only slept with 4 people (the ones I've just mentioned and a guy I am currently dating - it's recent). Prior to my current situation, I have been completely single for 2 years - but I was basically single during the five year thing - so single 7 years! Wondering, like yourself, wtf was going on with the way dating has become so bloody digital!!!

Unfortunately, everyone else's grass can always seem greener and with previous relationship, history comes a fair bit of damage, fear, apprehension. When I met the guy I am currently dating (also 36) I LOVED the fact that he's never been in a relationship before! It's actually a really good quality to have. He doesn't take me for granted and does such wonderfully nice and thoughtful things for me. I can be my total self around him because he seems to have no fear of putting himself out there and he's already lived a great and full single life (like you) and has now reached a point where he wants someone. It's incredibly refreshing after getting so fed-up with online dating - which ironically is where I met him!

You seem smart, you go running so you're fit, you appear to have a full life, draw your worth from that and not from your relationship status. Sexual experience means nothing, that part of things is all about confidence but any guy who is on your page will appreciate you for who you are and will go at your pace. You're judging yourself as some kind of "total freak". My guess is that has to be affecting your confidence.

Also, with regard to the tan, lashes, etc. Please don't do that to try and change your situation. Be you. Keep doing what you're doing and go on a couple of Tinder coffee dates. Don't invest in them or allow them to discourage you if they are bad. It's helpful to almost tell yourself you might have to go on 20 dates before you meet someone who is good for you.

Also, most importantly, remember that when you go on dates it's just as important for you to like him as it is for him to like you.

xx

john9876

Do you have any really good friends who you can ask why you struggle when it comes to relationships?
Ask them to be brutally honest!
I suspect the lack of closeness in your relationship with your father, though not your fault, is still a huge factor in your inability to form close relationships today.
Did you only see a counsellor when you were 27/28? That seems like a very short time to unravel a lifetime of intimacy issues. Have you considered seeing another counsellor or psychotherapist?