Am I wasting my time?

cinnamony

Hey guys, just going through a situation with a guy and need some outsiders input. I'll try to make it as short as possible.

So me and this guy have known each other for 3 years and have been speaking non stop ever since. About 3 months ago he started to treat me very differently, asking for sex, compliments, eating out with him etc...

After 3 months of this I got a bit fed up as it seemed to me like he wants me to treat him as my boyfriend without making a commitment so I straight out asked him if he likes me, he said he does and not in a friendly way. So I said "Great, I like you as more than friends as well. So what would you like to do? Would you like a relationship?" To which he replied "Let's just keep seeing each other and see where it goes".

To be honest I just think this is a ton of bull**** because he is expecting me to have sex with him. Heck no I won't. I just feel like I am wasting my time and would be better off kicking him to the curb.

What do you guys think? Am I overreacting?

Eircom_Sucks

cinnamony wrote: »

<Snip>

You are 100 % right

Using you while he can

Tenigate

Maybe it's an old fashioned view, but i think it's hard for a man and woman to be just friends.

If you want a relationship and he just wants some of the benefits of a relationship without the commitment or sacrifice, i think you'd be best ending whatever arrangement the two of you have.

Edit: on thinking a bit more, at least he's honest and not stringing you on. And maybe he genuinely thinks "try before you buy" is a good policy. Still, sounds like you've been on a few dates. I don't see why he doesn't just say he's interested in a relationship. He could always end it if it wasn't working out.

I guess he's wrecked the friendship a bit by saying he wants a friend with benefits, rather than a relationship.

Ghost Train

You both want something similar and like each other more than friends. Just sounds like you're coming at it from different directions. Asking straight out do you want a relationship, might be better to break it down a bit, tell him what relationship means to you and see how it's different to what he wants figure out of its worth working at a bit longer or time to move on

RhubarbCrumble

Sorry OP but it sounds as though he's just using you as a f**k buddy. I'd get rid of him.

dancingqueen

You've known each other 3 years now - that's a long time to know someone and know how you feel about them. You're not overreacting. He sounds like he's after one thing, and that he's adamant he's going to get it.

Get rid.

SaatanaArctica

dancingqueen wrote: »

You've known each other 3 years now - that's a long time to know someone and know how you feel about them. You're not overreacting. He sounds like he's after one thing, and that he's adamant he's going to get it.

Get rid.

This exactly.

cinnamony

Thank you all so much for your advice,
I must say as Tenigate said I really do appreciate the fact he was honest at least and I made sure to tell him this in my conversation with him.

I was very straightforward and said I don't want a friends with benefits arrangement and that if the only thing he wants from me is sex then I would rather stop dating him now.

He said he wants more than this but doesn't want to put a label on the relationship as he's worried it will put pressure on it and that if things don't work out he won't be able to remain friends.

I told him I understood his fears and said he doesn't have to give a reply now or make a decision now and to take his time to make sure where he wants to take this.

One thing i did find out is that he hasn't been dating anyone else and he told one of our mutual friends that I'm "better than every one else".

The plot thickens.:pac::pac::pac:

RhubarbCrumble

cinnamony wrote: »

He said he wants more than this but doesn't want to put a label on the relationship as he's worried it will put pressure on it and that if things don't work out he won't be able to remain friends.

OP, I'm sorry but this is complete BS from him. He's stringing you along until someone else comes on the scene and doing what suits him without any consideration for your feelings.
I'm not trying to be hurtful but I honestly think you're wasting your time with this guy if you really want a relationship because he has no notion of it and he'll just keep coming up with excuses.

cinnamony

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

OP, I'm sorry but this is complete BS from him. He's stringing you along until someone else comes on the scene and doing what suits him without any consideration for your feelings.
I'm not trying to be hurtful but I honestly think you're wasting your time with this guy if you really want a relationship because he has no notion of it and he'll just keep coming up with excuses.

Not hurtful at all and this is what was crossing my mind as well.
Even though I said he doesn't have to make a decision now it is only to help me decide whether I will remain friends with him or not, in any case I will not be seeing him anymore.
Unfortunately, I do tend to be too forgiving and need a bit of a slap across the face :rolleyes:

Tenigate

Cinnamony, people are really bad at communicating.

Have you ever talked about kids?

If not, it's probably a sign that he's not interested.

RhubarbCrumble

cinnamony wrote: »

Unfortunately, I do tend to be too forgiving and need a bit of a slap across the face :rolleyes:

Don't be beating yourself up at all. You haven't done anything wrong.

Alf Veedersane

Tenigate wrote: »

Cinnamony, people are really bad at communicating.

Have you ever talked about kids?

If not, it's probably a sign that he's not interested.

Sorry, what?

They are potentially (or not) on the cusp of a relationship. Talk of kids now would be mental.

Fwiw OP, I'm not convinced about most of his excuses. Doesnt want to put pressure on it is nonsense. If he's looking for sex, that would be a concern. Its not like you've been together a while.

Tenigate

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Sorry, what?

They are potentially (or not) on the cusp of a relationship. Talk of kids now would be mental.

I disagree. This guy is afraid of labelling it "a relationship". Yet, everything is a relationship.. family, friends, teammates, lovers.. all relationships. So being on the cusp of a "relationship" doesn't mean anything... the op is already in a relationship! She just doesn't know what kind.

The real question is, what sort of relationship is the op expecting?

I'm assuming (maybe wrongly, I don't know the op's age) that a relationship to her would be courting, engagement, marriage and kids. Or perhaps, courting, engagement, marriage, no kids.
So the crux is, if "kids" (or "no kids") was never discussed, it's reasonable to assume that the relationship path is one that probably won't include marriage either. Just a few years of wasted time for the op and a few good times for the guy with no commitment.

Alf Veedersane

Tenigate wrote: »

I disagree. This guy is afraid of labelling it "a relationship". Yet, everything is a relationship.. family, friends, teammates, lovers.. all relationships. So being on the cusp of a "relationship" doesn't mean anything... the op is already in a relationship! She just doesn't know what kind.

The real question is, what sort of relationship is the op expecting?

I'm assuming (maybe wrongly, I don't know the op's age) that a relationship to her would be courting, engagement, marriage and kids. Or perhaps, courting, engagement, marriage, no kids.
So the crux is, if "kids" (or "no kids") was never discussed, it's reasonable to assume that the relationship path is one that probably won't include marriage either. Just a few years of wasted time for the op and a few good times for the guy with no commitment.

Talking about kids when any relationship is in its infancy? Stop.

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JackTaylorFan

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Guy sounds like a bit of a selfish, immature prick, to be honest, OP.

"Doesn't want to put a label on it" - what a load of ****e

Good on you for not compromising your principles. It seems to becoming a rarity in today's world. A lot of guys these days expect to go on all the rides without ever waiting in line.

cinnamony

Thanks guys!
I've only recently just turned 23 and am barely started on my career so kids hasn't crossed my mind yet haha

I guess I should have clarified this in the OP but I haven't slept with him as I personally don't feel comfortable having so much intimacy with someone outside of an exclusive relationship as for me its just too much investment...

So I have decided that I can still be friends with him only on the condition that he no longer makes any advancements towards me and keeps this as a more formal relationship, if he cannot accept this or says he will comply and then so much as make a single advancement then I'm cutting all my ties with him

Tigger99

From the way you've described it he isn't treating you respectfully (out of the blue asking for sex, and repeatedly asking, being vague and wishy washy about a future). Why on earth would you want to be friends with him? Friends have your back and you can relax and enjoy their company.
Can you say that about him?

Ghost Train

I think good if you can try stay friends, 3 years is a long time to be close and trust somebody. You shouldn't feel pressured into sleeping with anyone unless it's what you want.

Not sure it's a good idea to set rules about stuff like this, if your friends you'll stay friends if it gets uncomfortable you tell him your uncomfortable and you try work it out. Good to have clear boundaries but wouldn't try control his behaviour with the threat of the friendship ending... I imagine you want him to be himself with you as long as he's not taking advantage of situation or wrecking your head