Am I creating an issue out of nothing or are just in different places?

LegacyUser

Hi Boards, going anon for this as regular poster.


I am on the single market 6 months following a tough break up from a relatively short relationship of 18 months.
In the last 3 months I have felt ready to get back out there after 3 months doing my own thing, gym, friends, hikes etc and I began to get lonely even though I love my own company.

I had one or two dates with 2/3 different people. No spark, we parted ways and that was fine.

In early November I began messaging this person, let's call them A, and we exchanged numbers. We were messaging for a week or so and agreed to meet for a drink. Was not the most typical first date as I was at an event in their locality and they agreed to meet me for a drink. They met one or two of my pals too given the nature of the event I was attending. Was great craic, so much so, that we almost missed the event due to talking for hours. The initial meeting had everything you would want, great attraction, immediate spark, witty exchanges and generally easy going kind of night.

I have had a few more dates with A (mix of 5-6 sober and non sober dates). We have slept together also and that has only added to the attraction and chemistry. A has managed to keep my interest and I am not one to date multiple people at once so they have my attention for the moment.

A has been single for 3 years and has dated a lot in this period. A has been open as to their difficulty in meeting someone, and is ready for a relationship with the right person. I'm fine about this, and have communicated that I am enjoying doing my own thing at the moment but would consider a relationship if the right person came along.

Over the last week or so, A has began to say things suggesting that they feel I am dating other people, and is generally trying to suss out my intentions. I know I can be tough to read but I have no hidden agenda at this early point, and have stated the same to A. I just want to enjoy getting to know someone and am happy to see where it goes.

We haven't chatted about this really at all, as I feel the initial few weeks of dating should be easy and fun. I do like what I have with A, but there are a few things that I am noticing and would like an outside opinion on:

We are always in contact and A has generally asked to see me which can be at short notice.
A has said in the last week or so that they are missing me between dates and is longing for more dates as they can't get enough of me etc.

A is also asking when I am free over the next week or 2 and I have said I am busy with Christmas plans and A wants to have dates even if they're short like grabbing a coffee if it means we can see each other. (This is not a complaint).

A doesn't seem to have a big group of friends, or social circle. Given how much A has alluded to dating, I would guess their social calendar has been filled up with a couple of dates per week.

A more recently has begun to say things like they feel our dating experience is almost too good to be true, or for example saying they don't realise how someone like me is single without there being a catch. (A even asked my friend at the initial date what the catch was as I seemed to good to be true etc).
At dinner in A's home last week, their phone bleeped with a Tinder notification. A apologised and I said it was fine, it genuinely did not bother me at all.
I suppose at this point I feel that he care free nature of our dates is becoming overshadowed by A's constant asking about my intentions, if I'm dating other people and asking about my past relationship history.

I am not opposed to answering A's questions regarding the past or my intentions but my gut tells me it's still early days for that and I am wondering if A is becoming insecure for some reason.
There isn't a hidden agenda on my part but if this constant probing continues it may just be a deal breaker as I do not like intensity in any shape or form.


I don't know for sure if I want to keep my options open as it's still early and you never know what might happen. Opinions? Thanks for reading.

DaeryssaOne

It's a bit early for A to be trying to control your dating life - which is what this potentially sounds like. I would be worried if there is a significant lack of friends and they have simply been socialising by only going on dates (just the thought of all that small talk alone is making me cringe). Nothing at all wrong with not having a large circle of friends but I wouldn't see tinder dates as a way of socialising and making friends either.

However, having said all that, the romantic in me likes to think that perhaps they are just really enjoying being in your company and don't have a filter to realise that they may be going over the top in letting you know this. If you were to meet them for a coffee, explain that you're really enjoying spending time with them and happy to not see anybody else but you still would like to take things a bit more slowly and to have more structured dates etc. this may reassure them and stop the insecure questions.

silverharp

OP despite all your clever "they and "them" Im going to assume you are the woman here . From a male perspective you are at risk of playing it too cool and coming off as a bit distant. At this stage make your mind up and run with it or close it down. It sounds like you got on very well at the start so what else are you looking for?

DaeryssaOne

silverharp wrote: »

OP despite all your clever "they and "them" Im going to assume you are the woman here .

That's so funny I completely assumed the OP was a male and the woman was getting a bit too clingy for his liking! :pac:

bucketybuck

As the OP states, A is looking for a relationship and has dated a lot over the last 3 years. So it seems clear both that he knows what he wants, and that he has seen how the dating game can mess people around and doesn't let that happen to him.

In the dating world, 6 dates is plenty of time to decide if you want something more or not. You don't have to get married or make plans, nothing like that, but its long enough time to make a call on certain things.

It seems like the OP doesn't want to make relationship decisions right now, she wants to potter along for the time being with no pressure. Thats fine, but it wouldn't surprise me if A has been strung along before in situations like that and doesn't want it happening any more. And thats fine too, people can waste a lot of time waiting on girls/boys who months later still don't want to commit to anything. There are plenty of other options out there and perhaps he would rather know where he stands now than play along for months and find it goes nowhere anyway. Its not necessarily insecurity, just the opposite in fact.

I think the OP needs to have a think about what she wants and make a decision, does she want a relationship or not? You can't have your cake and eat it too, I think he is making it pretty clear that he isn't going to spend months on end waiting on your pleasure. He wants to know now.

njs030

silverharp wrote: »

OP despite all your clever "they and "them" Im going to assume you are the woman here . From a male perspective you are at risk of playing it too cool and coming off as a bit distant. At this stage make your mind up and run with it or close it down. It sounds like you got on very well at the start so what else are you looking for?

I thought the opposite too! I'd guess the op is male and the other person female from the style of posting.....

Either way 5/6 dates is enough really to give them an idea if your interested in becoming more exclusive or not especially if you know they want to know.
If you want to keep your options open then say that and be honest about it but don't be surprised if they walk away.

lazybones32

Chooses name "oldskoolromantic" but doesn't like intensity in any shape or form...hmmm...

Yes, i think you are making a deal out of nothing. I don't see any issue here. If you like him, go with the flow.

lazybones32

notjustsweet wrote: »

I thought the opposite too! I'd guess the op is male and the other person female from the style of posting.....

What man writes 13 paragraphs about someone he's gone on a few dates with?!

njs030

lazybones32 wrote: »

What man writes 13 paragraphs about someone he's gone on a few dates with?!

Generalisation..... And I can think of one in particular that regularly posts on here with massive ops after a few dates looking for advice now you say it.

lazybones32

One versus how many? Or is it the use of paragraphs that predicts gender? A wall of text usually indicates a woman unburdening...all in one go. (paragraphs reflecting where a person stops to take a breath in a real life explanation)😆

njs030

lazybones32 wrote: »

One versus how many? Or is it the use of paragraphs that predicts gender? A wall of text usually indicates a woman unburdening...all in one go. (paragraphs reflecting where a person stops to take a breath in a real life explanation)😆

Could you stop generalising please?

The posters gender is irrelevant my advice remains the same.

Yellow pack crisps

oldskoolromantic18 wrote: »

Hi Boards, going anon for this as regular poster.


I am on the single market 6 months following a tough break up from a relatively short relationship of 18 months.
In the last 3 months I have felt ready to get back out there after 3 months doing my own thing, gym, friends, hikes etc and I began to get lonely even though I love my own company.

I had one or two dates with 2/3 different people. No spark, we parted ways and that was fine.

In early November I began messaging this person, let's call them A, and we exchanged numbers. We were messaging for a week or so and agreed to meet for a drink. Was not the most typical first date as I was at an event in their locality and they agreed to meet me for a drink. They met one or two of my pals too given the nature of the event I was attending. Was great craic, so much so, that we almost missed the event due to talking for hours. The initial meeting had everything you would want, great attraction, immediate spark, witty exchanges and generally easy going kind of night.

I have had a few more dates with A (mix of 5-6 sober and non sober dates). We have slept together also and that has only added to the attraction and chemistry. A has managed to keep my interest and I am not one to date multiple people at once so they have my attention for the moment.

A has been single for 3 years and has dated a lot in this period. A has been open as to their difficulty in meeting someone, and is ready for a relationship with the right person. I'm fine about this, and have communicated that I am enjoying doing my own thing at the moment but would consider a relationship if the right person came along.

Over the last week or so, A has began to say things suggesting that they feel I am dating other people, and is generally trying to suss out my intentions. I know I can be tough to read but I have no hidden agenda at this early point, and have stated the same to A. I just want to enjoy getting to know someone and am happy to see where it goes.

We haven't chatted about this really at all, as I feel the initial few weeks of dating should be easy and fun. I do like what I have with A, but there are a few things that I am noticing and would like an outside opinion on:

We are always in contact and A has generally asked to see me which can be at short notice.
A has said in the last week or so that they are missing me between dates and is longing for more dates as they can't get enough of me etc.

A is also asking when I am free over the next week or 2 and I have said I am busy with Christmas plans and A wants to have dates even if they're short like grabbing a coffee if it means we can see each other. (This is not a complaint).

A doesn't seem to have a big group of friends, or social circle. Given how much A has alluded to dating, I would guess their social calendar has been filled up with a couple of dates per week.

A more recently has begun to say things like they feel our dating experience is almost too good to be true, or for example saying they don't realise how someone like me is single without there being a catch. (A even asked my friend at the initial date what the catch was as I seemed to good to be true etc).
At dinner in A's home last week, their phone bleeped with a Tinder notification. A apologised and I said it was fine, it genuinely did not bother me at all.
I suppose at this point I feel that he care free nature of our dates is becoming overshadowed by A's constant asking about my intentions, if I'm dating other people and asking about my past relationship history.

I am not opposed to answering A's questions regarding the past or my intentions but my gut tells me it's still early days for that and I am wondering if A is becoming insecure for some reason.
There isn't a hidden agenda on my part but if this constant probing continues it may just be a deal breaker as I do not like intensity in any shape or form.


I don't know for sure if I want to keep my options open as it's still early and you never know what might happen. Opinions? Thanks for reading.

I was actually waiting for B to make an appearance at some stage. He/she never arrived and I genuinely felt a bit confused!

To be honest if it was me I’d just continue seeing where it goes without making any promises or predictions as I think the person is being a bit needy and attention seeking, Not great traits in the easy breazy period! It should be fun and no pressure at this stage! If they really wanted clarification they could just straight out ask you are you seeing other people and you can both deal with that senario and all it’s entails in an open and honest way!

LegacyUser

I'll hazard a guess that A and the romantic are both women. And yes you're in different places. A has sights set on relationship and you're still hedging bets. Sh*t or get off the pot time!

Bambi985

I actually think you sound a bit stand-offish to the person you're dating with the "busy over Christmas" and "told them I'd be open to a relationship if the right person came along" and all that. She's probably thinking, right...still looking for that right person are ya? (Assuming A is a 'she' too - general vibe I got)

I can understand your reluctance at railroading into a brand new relationship when you've been through a tough and relatively recent break-up. But when I think back on the significant relationships in my life, at around a month in there never was an actual conversation around it but exclusivity was a given and we were meeting up whenever was physically possible with mutual enthusiasm. Constant plans for our next dates. Not "why does she keep asking to meet up..."

I'd suggest you are both in different places, she's sick of Tinder and the general arsing around that comes with that and is ready for something substantial. You're open to it in theory...but if you're honest you're just not there. And that's fine. But she's more than likely picking up on that coolness on your part and it's adding to her insecurities. The right thing to do here is to have a frank conversation - I like you but I'm a slow burner at the moment, I'm not long out of a relationship and don't feel I can make that commitment again so quickly. I'd prefer to take it handy and see where we fall, but understand if that doesn't suit you. Thought I'd lay my cards on the table.

leggo

Had to re-read the OP a couple times after reading the advice here as I'm getting something completely different.

I'm with you OP, the behaviour seems a bit too intense/borderline obsessive, like complaining about not seeing you enough, constantly asking if it's too good to be true, not seeming to have much else going on socially...then the flip side is the Tinder notification. Look up 'love-bombing', that sounds a bit like what this is. My spidey senses would be tingling over this too. It's disingenuous, especially if they're still dating others themselves. There's nothing wrong with dating others before you agree exclusivity, but for them to be so keen to lock you down while continuing to play the field themselves...It's just one of those things that doesn't seem like it's adding up and if you decided to nip this in the bud I wouldn't blame you. Sometimes these gut feelings that something is off are right on the money without needing to dig deep and get to the bottom of them.

Then again, the things you choose to take note of could all be informed by your own perspective of not being in a place for something serious, and you could be making a mountain out of a molehill because you're subconsciously telling yourself you aren't in this place yet without having any real reason to drop something that's otherwise good. That's worth taking on board too, though. Those feelings aren't just going to go away and will only intensify the more serious it gets, so either acknowledge them if they're there and get to the bottom of it or finish things for this guy's sake if that's what you want.

In short, trust your feelings. You don't have to be in a relationship now if you don't want to be. But you can also keep going if you want too.

tara73

I completely agree with Leggo here. She (as I think she's a 'she':)) sounds obsessive and controlling already.
You sound like a very down to earth guy, with your head screwed on.
Trust your gut feeling and the fact you opened a thread about it shows it's nothing minor in the back of your mind, it's something more substantial you're not comfortable with.

ahnow

Honestly, I can see this from A’s point of view. It sounds like you’re trying to keep them at arms length. At the beginning of things you should be really excited to spend time with the new person, and want to be arranging lots of dates and maximising your time together.
If I was seeing and sleeping with someone new that I had really liked and had to say to them I wanted to see them more, I’d be feeling uneasy that they’re not as into me as I were them. The fact that A has asked you to meet up even for a coffee and you’ve said you’re busy for the next two weeks...for a budding relationship that is not a good sign. If I were A I would read that as, you are not that keen, you’re unsure, you’re hedging your bets and keeping them at arms length.

JeffKenna

I can't see why people are complaining about A's behavior. My reading of the post is that the OP is stringing the person along not wanting to discuss the prospect of a commitment. Suggesting they are too busy to meet up over the next two weeks. Maybe A doesn't want to be sleeping with the OP, if the OP is also sleeping with and dating other people.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here. Just wanted to respond to a few comments and give an update.

Also some very interesting points regarding our genders. Not that it matters, but I am female and A is the male.

When I said I was busy when asked to meet for an hour I meant in the run up to Christmas. With work parties and family events it's tough to find time. I understand how I may be coming across as stand-offish which I realise is not fair to A.

I am not dating anyone else and am not actively on dating sites. I appreciate the concern that in reality I may be stringing A along despite that not being my intention.

We met up over the weekend and had a few drinks. A basically asked me out straight what my intentions are and how I felt about him. He also asked me out straight how many other guys I am messaging.
Safe to say I did not appreciate having to explain myself. I said that I enjoy his company, and at this point am happy to continue and see how we feel if feelings develop for one or both of us. He was then really embarrassed and apologised for probing about my dating life and said that it isn't his business and it was the alcohol talking. I set the record straight and said I wasn't messaging anyone else and that he has my attention. He said he understood that I need to take it slow and not jump into something so soon.

The rest of the night was great but I felt a little backed into a corner. We talked about how the first few weeks/months should be fun with no pressure and he said he would stop asking those questions.

He also told me that he informed a female friend about our dates which have been on the more romantic side, and she responded by saying she didn't want to know and said she would leave him to it. There are one or two "friends" that he memotioned and they met through work but it seems they have feelings for him and while while he may not feel reciprocal he still entertains these friends.
I told him I am not in a position to comment because I don't know him well enough which he said was fair. I don't mind if he doesn't have a huge social circle but I don't know how I feel about all these friendships with women who seem to like him romantically.

I really don't know now. After the check in last night I do really like him and am not scared of planning a few future dates but there's something in my gut telling me he is going to be clingy. It's such a shame because I haven't met someone where we had a genuinely organic connection and there are a lot of positives going for him.

Feel even more stuck now!

leggo

He sounds a bit of a melt tbh: asking you if you're texting anyone else then trying to make you jealous by vaguely bringing up female friends who may or may not have a romantic interest to make you jealous, the latter is textbook mind games. I have a feeling if you go further you'll experience a lot more of this kind of behaviour and the good points will wear off a bit. If you want to proceed, you're right to proceed slowly anyway. Some questions need answering before you start signing your life away.

JeffKenna

I've changed my mind slightly having read the OPs update. I would be very uncomfortable with these other women hanging around. Seems a head wreck.

Bambi985

I'll actually do a bit of a u-ey here and say that he sounds insecure in the extreme. He's obviously still chatting to other women on Tinder (hence the notification you saw the other day), yet is probing you about chatting to other men and is bringing other women into the conversation in a thinly veiled way of telling you "I'M ATTRACTIVE...OTHER WOMEN WANT ME TOO".

It reminds me of a cheater being over-the-top paranoid about their partner cheating, but maybe it's symptomatic of an insecure person who has spent literal years using Tinder and dating apps as validation and as an extension of their social lives. That's plainly going to mess you up when it comes to relationships and the opposite sex.

I'd take the advice of others here and proceed with caution. If he brings up these "women admirers" I'd simply ask him why he feels the need to tell you about this? I think with these situations they either work out or they don't very swiftly without you actually having to make a concerted effort either way.

WIZWEB

OP I had a similar experience recently with someone I went on a few dates with over a few short weeks. A few months had passed since I escaped a particularly toxic relationship so he was my first date in a few years. Ironically He said he was also a few months out of a similar experience. These circumstances and a few 'red flags' on our few dates encouraged me to take things extra slow. As much for him as me....

On a couple of dates he made reference to other lads being interested in him (red flag). Also how he was replying to messages from much younger guys who were dying to meet him (red flag)! I didn't think much of it as it was very early days in our dating so none of my business. In hindsight I wondered if this was either to make me jealous or rush me into commitment. I'd been very honest from the beginning that I would be taking dating very slowly and if that didn't suit him I'd respect that and we could go our separate ways. He accepted this then. Around our fourth date he'd 'accidentally' invited some of his mates along (another red flag)! Two genuine girls and a sleazy touchy feely guy (red flag). I politely brushed that bloke off yet my date didn't (another red flag). I mentioned the inappropriateness of this to my date and he laughed it off (another red flag). A few days later we were texting and I informed my 'date' that his sleazy pal had since attempted to contact me on a dating app since that night. He lost the plot with me because I hadn't deleted the app! He assumed we were in a relationship!!!!!! Totally disregarded his mates behaviors (I'm all outta red flags at this stage!).

Moral of my monologue is....Be careful of these controlling hypocritical obsessive folks. Glad I took things so slowly. Never allowed myself to be early emotionally or attached any other way. Never brought him near my gaff even though he invited himself! So was easy to say Day Day and block this madness.

LegacyUser

Is it not a bit strange you've no issue telling strangers on the net that you're not dating anyone else or actively using dating apps etc. Yet you take offence at the fact the poor chap that is actually dating you and has feelings for you asked same!?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

I don't have any reason not to put in the thread or tell A that I'm not dating anyone else at the moment. I don't have time, as like everyone else it's the lead up to Christmas. That's the context I meant it in.

Despite the above, we are having 2-3 dates per week and I am happy to plan what we can. I thought the fact I am still making time for A would be an indication of my intention, which is to get to know him over the coming weeks.

The constant probing into my dating life has made me stop and think about whether I would wan to date someone who may potentially become clingy long term. I am independent, enjoy my own company and have a social circle (albeit a small enough one) with whom I like to see regularly. I don't have a problem with him not having a social circle so long as my having one doesn't cause issues.

Some of the insights posted by Leggo, WIZWEB and Bambi are resonating with me though. I do feel he is displaying slightly controlling behaviour but it might be too early to call it a red flag.
He has cooled down since the weekend and it's likely we won't see each other until the weekend which I think might be good.

Bambi985

oldskoolromantic18 wrote: »

I am independent, enjoy my own company and have a social circle (albeit a small enough one) with whom I like to see regularly. I don't have a problem with him not having a social circle so long as my having one doesn't cause issues.

I'd have a problem with someone I was dating not having a social circle tbh. Not that mine is huge - absolutely not at all, but I've got friends from different walks of life that fill up my spare time along with a few of my own hobbies too. Honestly I think someone having spent all of their spare time meeting Tinder dates for years on end with no evidence of actual friends in their life, be they distant or otherwise, is a bit of a red flag. Especially as you're quite independent and have your own thing going on.

It may prove to be a compatibility thing down the line, especially as it seems to feed into this intensity that he's approaching your dating scenario with.