Getting Over Affair

LegacyUser

I worked with my manager for 6 months & we fell for each other very quickly. We had a strong connection & we both felt it. Only thing was he’s married with kids. Nothing was said until his leaving drinks and then he told me how he felt. We kept in touch and we had a brief affair for about six weeks. We then kept in touch and have been in touch for the last year. We both still have feelings for each other but my feelings are very strong for him and he knows this. We have talked about meeting again (haven’t seen each other in a year) but I think this would be overwhelming for me because I feel like I’m in love with him. I told him this and thought he would run a mile but he continues to tell me that he misses me & he wants to see me.

I did ask him to not contact me anymore as I was struggling to get over him but he contacted me after a couple of months to see how I was. I now still have strong feelings for him and I thought I would be over this by now. I wish I could ignore him when he contacts me but I always reply immediately in spite of this being so difficult for me.

It’s very painful for me to think of him with someone else as I would love to be spending time with him and I just can’t take feeling this way any more. I thought about blocking him so that I don’t get any more texts or emails or calls from him but I haven’t been strong enough yet to do this. I just want to get over him at this stage because it’s completely futile and I genuinely want him to stay with his family and move past this thing with me.

Can anyone offer me advice as I want to move past this & find my own man & not some else’s husband? I know it was wrong so I don’t need lectures. I just want to get over all this. I’ve tried but he keeps pulling me back in. He’s keeping the contact going.

Neyite

Start by blocking his number.

He wants a bit on the side. You know he's not interested in a relationship, and if he thought anything of you he would see that you are crushing on him and not muck about with your feelings but he literally does not care if you fall for him or pine for him as long as he gets his shag on the side.

You will get eaten up and spat out and you know it.

Block him on all social media. You have to.

lazybones32

Get a friend to block his number, etc; if you are physically 'unable' to do so.

How you think and what you think of,
directly influences how you feel - more than people realise. Changing what you are thinking of will change how you feel. You have control of your mind, so when you find yourself thinking about a topic/person, you can choose to dwell on it/him or choose something else.

LegacyUser

He knows I’m tormented by all this but he continues to contact me. I haven’t seen him in about a year so it’s not like he’s getting any action & this is why I keep thinking he cares about me- he’s keeping in touch even though we’re not meeting up.

It’s been extremely painful & I know I need to move on. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to block him. It would physically hurt me to do that but I’m so sick of feeling like this. I feel great when he contacts me & a few hours later I feel rubbish cos I want to see him & spend time with him & he’s with someone else.

It’s been so futile & the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

bobsman

Block him. You have no choice. You will get over him but not while there is contact between you both. He is married. You deserve better x

LegacyUser

Thank you for your input guys.

He actually knows that all this torments me but he still keeps contacting me. I keep thinking that he must care about me cos hes keeping in touch in spite of us not meeting up in about a year. And this fuels how I feel. Hes doing all of the contacting and I just can’t move on because of this. I’ve asked him to stop contacting me but sooner or later he gets back in touch. We’ve been sexting so its probably just an ego boost for him.

I’d never wish him or his family ill will. I feel unhappy a lot of the time and its because of this. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Hes even had another baby while this has been going on and I'm stuck in limbo.

I’m not sure I’m strong enough to block him though……

bobsman

Hes even had another baby while this has been going on and I'm stuck in limbo.

You have to completely rid this guy from your life op. What a complete twunt. Sexting/messaging is addictive. I have some experience of this.

You and indeed his wife deserve better.

Block him completely. Delete his number. Block him on FB, or whatever social media platform you use.

Neyite

You don't have the strength to block him?

You are sexting him. This is still an affair, so you cannot get over something that is still going on, can you? You are still romantically involved with a bloke who is in a functioning relationship.

What's going on here is that you are keeping the communication open in the hope he will finally text you and say "hey Insignium, she's finally found out I'm a horndog and I've been kicked out I've finally left the wife for you" and you can have your happy ever after.

The only way to get over someone is to stop the affair. Stop sending them sexy texts and pictures or whatever and block them. The other alternative is to admit that you are actually ok with being his mistress and just own it.

cailin.

I recognise so many of those notions you have posted OP....like thinking he must care if he is in contact...he is the one instigating the contact...etc.

You are letting him live rent free in your head. You are sexting with him and providing him with an outlet away from his responsibility of being someone's husband, and father.

From what you have said it seems you are in quite a negative frame of mind where your self-esteem is linked to whether this man will contact you or how often.
You keep saying you have asked him to stop contacting you but he is persisting. Why is that? Because you are allowing him to, OP. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, I really feel for you but you need to decide right now that this is over.
He is still having an emotional affair whatever way you look at it. It doesn't matter what his circumstances, or how many more children he does or does not have he will never treat you the way you deserve.

Blocking is only the first step. I would really encourage you to work on your self-esteem and know that you deserve not even a million, but a billion times better than this behaviour.

MarriedButBi

I've been this guy, well, to a certain extent anyhow.....I'm going to res-state in different words what people are telling you.

The simple truth is that this guy has been unfaithful to his wife and family with you, possibly with others too. So he has no problem lying. He does not care about you. He's a horny male, that's it.

Every so often he feels horny and he wants some action on the side. Even some sexting will do him. It makes him feel like he still has it. His wife loves him, he loves his wife. AND he has a nice bit of stuff just gagging for him on the side. He's in clover.

He does not give a toss about you. If he did he would respect your wishes and stop contacting you forever.

From his perspective, why would he stop? If he cared about you. The proof that he doesn't give a monkeys about you is the fact that he keeps on initiating contact.

Face up to it, you're nowhere in his life. You do not rank at all. You're irrelevant, you don't even come into his thoughts except when he's horny.

Have some respect for yourself. This guys is a ****head, and he's only going to make you ill. YOU decide it is over. Ignore any attempts he may make to contact you. Move on in your head. Get some counselling if you are struggling.

bucketybuck

Perhaps find some strength from thinking about how his wife and children feel. Remember them?

Yellow pack crisps

You’re avoiding a real relationship, why is that?

dellas1979

Let me just say, from reading your posts, here is what I am getting.

You dont think much of yourself. Therefore, you dont want better for yourself. Your value/how you value yourself is linked to him (and maybe other men/relationships too).

I would start there (and even some councelling, if you need). Why dont you want better for yourself?

You are handing all the reigns of responsibility for your life and heart over to a guy, who just wants a bit of sex on the side. Youre his ego boost. I feel sorry for people like that. Its incredibly weak in my eyes, and not attractive.

Youre responsible for your own happiness lady. And, if you wanted/worked on it, this could even be a massive opportunity to learn something about yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

If your affair got found out you'd soon find that you can in fact most certainly stay away from each other. Quite easily. You are a cliché, as is he. "We can't stay away from each other. We've tried". "I can't stay away from you. My wife doesn't understand me".

Cop on to yourself.

He's using you for a cheap thrill when he's bored and you are happy to go along with it. You don't work with him anymore. You don't cross paths. You don't have any reason to keep him in your life. You choose to do all that. You could block all avenues of contact right now and never see him again. But you "can't help yourself". I don't know why you're asking about getting over an affair that's still going on. First step is to actually end it. Then you'll have a starting point.

Estrellita

I'm not going to go on about this, but you're no innocent in all of it. The mistress rarely wins in these cases. I feel very sorry for the wife, not simply because of the affair, but she has made a very poor choice in a life partner.

The guy doesn't care who he hurts. It's all about him. I believe what another poster said about you not being the only one. Maybe another bit on the side of his fizzled out so he needs his ego massaging and got in touch with you again?

He has a grand set up. His wife dishing out the babies for him and he gets to live a second life while making a fool out of at least two of you.

If he's done the dirt on his wife of course he would do it to you. Physically blocking him won't be a hard task if you think about what he is doing. He is repulsive.

Insignium

Insignium wrote: »

He knows I’m tormented by all this but he continues to contact me. I haven’t seen him in about a year so it’s not like he’s getting any action & this is why I keep thinking he cares about me- he’s keeping in touch even though we’re not meeting up.

It’s been extremely painful & I know I need to move on. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to block him. It would physically hurt me to do that but I’m so sick of feeling like this. I feel great when he contacts me & a few hours later I feel rubbish cos I want to see him & spend time with him & he’s with someone else.

It’s been so futile & the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

Block him and move on. Nothing will ever come of this. Your his bit on the side and thats all.....perhaps not his only bit either and you wont be his last. Your putting your life on hold for a user who will never ever leave his wife and if he is kicked out he will settle for you like the consolation prize he sees you as....harsh but true.

Hannibal_Smith

Insignium wrote: »

He knows I’m tormented by all this but he continues to contact me. I haven’t seen him in about a year so it’s not like he’s getting any action & this is why I keep thinking he cares about me- he’s keeping in touch even though we’re not meeting up.

It’s been extremely painful & I know I need to move on. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to block him. It would physically hurt me to do that but I’m so sick of feeling like this. I feel great when he contacts me & a few hours later I feel rubbish cos I want to see him & spend time with him & he’s with someone else.

It’s been so futile & the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

He keeps in contact with you because you are an ego boost for him. He has someone who worships the ground walks on. If you haven't seen him for a year, thatisyour sign of where you are in his world.

I know it sounds harsh, but when you finally wake up to how you're being used you are going to kick yourself for not doing it sooner. Block him. And be ready for some other form of wtf contact from him and be ready to block that too. It is not love, not from him anyway. It a form of escapism for him I would reckon.

Whispered

A friend is currently going through a break up due to her husband being a sly, underhand lying cheater.

I know that the husband is mainly to blame. Mistress never made promises to anyone and isn't cheating and other such cliches. But if you could see the pain his kids are going through.

Get over yourself and stay out of others people's families. Jesus Christ op. Don't you care that you could literally ruin his children's lives.

LegacyUser

This was essentially me a number of years ago. And believe me, I know how hard it is to stop the contact when there is such a strong attraction and you have convinced yourself you are in love with this person, and he tells you he’s in love with you. Any chink of time or his attention that he throws on you, you lap up like a thirsty flower, and you just have to reply, just to hold that attention a moment longer, before its turned away back towards where it should be….his family.……yep, I’ve been there.

You mention that you don’t want him to leave his family, and I was the same. If you are like me, then it’s the guilt that gnaws at you the most……you’re a smart girl, you’ve read about situations like this thinking to yourself…god, how ridiculous to be stupid enough to get caught up in a drama like this….and yet…here you are…..how did you get here.

Its very hard to start to break away, but you HAVE to. YOU have to do it, and you have to STICK to it. He is not going to….you already know that, and yea, at this point you may even not want him to.
But think of the freedom, think of the release from the guilt, think of that weight lifting off your shoulders……..its worth it.
So do it – block him – do not contact him – and take each day at a time. It will get easier, day by day, and soon you are left wondering, why you thought living with that guilt, living with feeling bad, waiting for a couple of hours of attention was all you wanted.
I’m telling you, I’m free now and happier than ever!