I feel dad is a bully

hiddenidentity

He always treated my mum poorly.. when she was sick he always played mind games and taunted her by telling her he would put her in a home- the one thing she begged wouldnt happen. Anytime she needed a lift to treatment she had to pay him after he gave out. Now my Mum is gone I feel hes starting on me. I am in college and dont work as I am in final year and giving everything to study. He only gives me €20 for food per week- I fund petrol out of savings. He is always giving me digs about moving out,asking me when am I going and its like "heaven on earth" when I am not around. I go to a friends house for the weekend every weekend, yet he keeps asking me during the week am I going away and I should go away and not be in a hurry back. I cant go away this weekend as I have exams next week and need to study but I know i am going to face the sly digs all weekend. I also wanted to cook christmas dinner and follow in mums steps this year-he agreed I could then went behind my back and asked my brother to cook instead.
I posted here for reassurance and somewhere to vent as this is affecting my ability to study. Can anyone empathize or give me advice?

GingerLily

Have you posted about your father and Christmas dinner before?

Your father sounds like a bully and your living situation sounds very unhealthy. I think you need to keep your head down until the end of this year and move out and don't look back.

Aspadeaspade

Some people are just absolutely hideous, and unfortunately this often means we have horrible parents or family members. I feel for you OP. The only thing you can do is focus on your studies in order to ensure you can get away from this horrible human being and not need anything from him ever. As much as you would like to follow tradition and cook Christmas dinner, I would sooner let him go hungry. It sounds like he picks up on your need for his love and approval so he feels some power over you. You need to take your power back and to do this just do nothing OP. Just get on with your life and get away from him and any other family member who doesn't treat you well. You may think it's easy for me to say this but it's also something I have put into practice before. It's the only way to have more peace. Try looking into Narcissistic parents, personality disorders or abuse like yours, it will give you insight and help you understand what you are dealing with and help you see they will never change. Look after yourself OP. Good luck.

judeboy101

In your final year, suck it up, save up, when you think you are ready, say adios (and whisper to him that you wont visit him in the nursing home, but that you will contest any will he makes).

Joeseph Balls

judeboy101 wrote: »

In your final year, suck it up, save up, when you think you are ready, say adios (and whisper to him that you wont visit him in the nursing home, but that you will contest any will he makes).

Personally I'd just say adios. Who needs the added hardship of that. Sometimes less is more in the long run.

judeboy101

Joeseph Balls wrote: »

Personally I'd just say adios. Who needs the added hardship of that. Sometimes less is more in the long run.

Very few jobs straight outa degree without postgrad, use and abuse him suffer the slights , save like scrooge and and when you have all your ducks lined up, go go gadget.

Joeseph Balls

judeboy101 wrote: »

Very few jobs straight outa degree without postgrad, use and abuse him suffer the slights , save like scrooge and and when you have all your ducks lined up, go go gadget.

No I meant about the nursing home and will bit. The rest I agree with

Rubberchikken

Is there anyone you could stay with?
Im sorry about your dad. No one deserves a crap parent but for some rrason some people even parents are like this. Its nothing you did. Maybe
something from his past or upbringing. Im mot excusing his behaviour towards you. Is he old? Does he drink? Maybe your mother was willing to put up with his attitude. Maybe she just couldnt fight it. Sometimes years of putting up with bullying behaviour wears a person down to the point where they couldnt fight back even if they wanted to.

If you cant leave now then leave the minute you can. His behaviour and attitude will drag you down with him. You dont deserve that.

hiddenidentity

He 66 and had a bad upbringing himself which explains it. His mum left when he was a baby. He gave mum an awful hard time for years, always gave out when we went shopping and used to always call her fat when she was eating. My brother reckons now hes gone he has no one else to channel this ignorance on only me. Never drank and is pleasant to everyone he meets on the outside and has a wide circle of friends. Sometimes we have normal chats like the other day but then he just said when are you going. He phoned me today asking me was i going away this weekend and that i should because "i deserve a long weekend away". This coming from the man who has never been on a holiday because he doesnt see the point when he has to come back again

Ghekko

If he's so keen to have you out at weekends I'd wonder has he someone else on the scene? He sounds like a nasty person and I'd try to get out sooner rather than later. Does your brother live at home too? If not could you stay with him? As for wanting to keep up a tradition over Christmas I wouldn't bother. Sadly it will never be the same without your mum so trying to keep it going will cause you more stress when he obviously doesn't care. Focus on getting away from him.

MissShihTzu

Tell your Dad as you leave, you'll be helping to choose his nursing home!

Jokes aside, it's impossible to argue with someone as controlling and bullying as your Dad. A bad upbringing is no excuse for his nastiness and meaness. Your father is taking revenge for the way his mother treated him by treating you (I assume you're female) and your poor Mum badly. It's entirely misplaced and wrong. He is a misogynist. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with whilst you finish college? Keep out of his way, limit your interactions as much as possible. Try to get a part-time job, save like a maniac, and then take off - never to be seen again!

lazybones32

Keep writing here as and when you need to.
Make sure you take quality breaks from study. Are you any way close to a public library? You could try getting work done there fri/sat, free from interruption* and safe from snide remarks. Don't study Sat night; go have some degree of fun or even call over to your bro and have a cuppa and chat and a few jokes, etc.
Is there any way to reasonably avoid the criticism? Maybe if you put ketchup on a fannypad and leave it at your bedroom door he will stay away from you all weekend?😊 Many men rightly avoid women at this time.


* one woman working at our library phones her friends and relatives when her co-workers are on lunch or off. Even when people are trying to read in silence, she's yapping away...does not give a sh*t!...so libraries aren't always free from distraction.