Total lack of success with dating

LegacyUser

Hi all just posting here in the hopes that someone has words of advice or reassurance.
I'm a 30 year old woman and am feeling disillusioned with my total failure at dating.
I think some of what I post here might be a contradiction so if it is feel free to point it out and I will take it on board.
I suppose to describe myself I'd say I m pretty attractive, into fitness and keeping active. I enjoy the usual, netflix, 5 or 7k run a few times a week etc. I'm friendly and outgoing and I would talk to anyone really. I never get nervous about going on first dates it's maybe 3 or 4 dates in whee my anxiety starts.
I have been dating a few guys over the last couple of years and it all followed a similar pattern. Everything was going well and around the time you would be expected to have sex or take things a bit further, the guys seemed to go cold. Contact decreased significantly and when I asked if every thing was ok, things went weird and we ended. This happened three times in the last year and a half.

The latest saga has really ruined my confidence in myself and in the fact that there may be nice guys out there. I knew this guy for years through friends, had kissed him a few times maybe 5 years ago. We would have been in some contact via texting and I never really knew what he thought of me but I felt I liked him enough to give dating a go if he asked. I had written it off to be honest as I had begun to think he just saw me as a friend. Then recently on a night out with a group of friends he told me he had always liked me but held back from asking me out as he didn't know how I felt but he would love to meet up and see what happened. We met up and got on really well and there and then he asked me to meet up again. Due to stags, hens and family weddings we planned to meet up three weekends later. Then the week we were due to meet the contact stopped. I asked him what was going on and he said to me quite coldly that he didn't want a relationship but he didn't want to fall out with me either. I explained to him how a relationship was a very long way off if we even got there and it was bad form of him to not even let me know he wasn't interested seen as we know each other so long and would have been friends before we went on the date. He was quite cold and said he was sorry but he didn't want a relationship. He has since told a mutual friend that he is upset that I'm cross with him but he hasn't made an effort with me since so we haven't spoken.

I have gone from thinking that I must have awful luck with guys to thinking that they see me coming and think I'm grand for so long but I'm not someone they would like a relationship with. I feel hurt that someone I know for so long and someone I saw as a lovely person irrespective of whether we were dating or not would act like that. I was thinking over the past few weeks that four guys including him have told me they loved me ( may have been drink involved with him ) and honestly not one of them meant it. One was a boyfriend who ignored me for three days after telling me, the other was a guy I was seeing but I ended things and after bumping into him one night he told me he never forgot me and he loved me, and the other was a guy I went out with after a serious relationship ended for him and in hindsight I shouldn't have gotten involved.
I know this post is very woe is me but I just feel there is something wrong with me that guys are never really interested in me. I've done a lot of soul searching and often think that I've lots going for me as I never have any problems in work or with friends, just having a happy relationship is foreign to me. Anyway I think I've gone on for long enough so i will leave it here. Thanks for reading.

Dr Crayfish

All I can say is try and keep your head up, and try and enjoy life as is. You're still quite young, so there shouldn't be any rush to meet someone and settle down. Maybe take a break from dating for a while and try and be content on your own, meeting someone like that is attractive in itself.

zcorpian88

Hey OP,

I'm a male, a year younger than you, more or less going through the same thing, kind of given up meeting people in bars, I hang out with the same circle of friends, nobody really new comes into the group, and we always frequent the same watering holes. In education right now, no women in my class.

In the past I've always hated meeting women in bars being that I have this bad luck of on the rare occasion I'll meet someone nice, it's usually under the influence of alcohol, wouldn't be drunk, just merry I suppose, might get the shift, could even go for food and exchange numbers and it's all great and I might get the impression the other person is interested. Next day arrives, I wouldn't have regretted the night before, but I'll wake up to a text saying "Last night was fun but not into getting with anyone" and into the friend zone I go.

Have had one serious relationship I suppose to date, and it ended quite badly 3 years ago and have been quite bitter about it being I haven't been able to find someone with a spark with since. Did go out with one person for a few months a year after the ex but it was a bit of a rebound, just the spark wasn't there, didn't share the same values as her I guess, plus her family got on my nerves, among other things. Wasn't as ready to get back into it again as I thought I was.

For the last year I've become pretty disillusioned with the dating scene, on and off dating sites, because it's next to impossible to get a convo going on it and with someone local for that matter! I had 2 dates this year, one girl, she was pretty sound and very attractive, even thought she was out of my league, she was a single parent, I had not dated a single parent before but I gave her a shot because she was nice to chat to. Didn't work out, she was very hung up and wound up in general about the father of her child (sounded like a complete wanker to me anyway) so it didn't go anywhere.

6 months later I met someone else and she was a basket case, hot and cold messages, flirty messages, next minute one word replies which gives off an extremely bored vibe, went out with her, had a good time, then when I initiated another meet-up, she made every excuse under the sun to not meet up, and continued to claim she was interested, claimed to have bought me presents on a holiday to the UK she took and wanted to give them to me when she got back, then when she got back and was settled I asked "Hey do you want meet up sure? It's been ages" and it was one excuse after the other, this BS went on for far longer than I should have let it, the better part of 3 months. Only reason I let it go on so much is because she was having difficulty in work and was worked up over it. But my patience was just running thin.

Eventually she stopped texting and this is on whatsapp now, so I can see when she see's my messages, and I text "Was everything ok" and a day or two went by and not a peep from her. And she kept pulling this stuff of not replying for ages. Eventually I got angry and said "For a person that claims to be into me, you have a hard time getting around to replying, you're just leading me on now, I've invested more time into this than I should have to and you're not letting it go anywhere"

Still f**k all of a reply, eventually I more or less told her to take a hike. People on online dating sites, Plenty Of Fish in particular are basket cases, and they don't give a f**k about people's feelings. Turned out she went off with some other guy. I was pretty disgusted considering the time and effort I put in.

Since the last time waster I dated, put myself back on POF, I could message 60 people in the space of 5 or 6 weeks, a lot of them aren't in my home county because in my home county, it's often the same like 10 people on all the time, and say I might be interested in 6 of them, would have messaged them all, no idea if they read the message, 2 might look at your profile but not message back. I'd be lucky to get a reply from one of the ones outside my county, a bonus if is somebody within my county does, then if I reply back with any sort of engaging or pleasant chat, then I get no reply, no momentum at all. Drives me up the wall.

It would make you very self conscious about everything you say, you'd feel like you said something incriminating and it's really discouraging. At 29 years of age I never expected this level of bulls**t from people.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm male and the same age. I went through 3 gfs when I was 18-20 and haven't dated since. They all cheated on me and weren't interested in sleeping with me and I let it destroy my confidence. In hindsight, I should have let the blame lie with them that deserved it. Keep your chin up, don't let it get to you, if you're self aware enough to try and find fault with yourself, chances are it's not you. I'm not sure how your group of friends are, but I used to hang out with a group of girls that would tell some awful fibs about one of the other more attractive girls in the group, especially to her bfs, I'd set them straight if I caught it, but I eventually got pushed out of that group (mainly by the 2-3 main culprits I'm convinced). Not sure if you've fallen victim to something similar.

Keep your head up, keep being awesome and I'm sure you'll find someone eventually!

LegacyUser

Your description of yourself suggests that logically speaking you should be attractive to somebody, makes total sense, but unfortunately that's not how the human heart works. We might all have a tick list of attractive features, but ultimately we'll all add and subtract bits or ignore it altogether when we find what we want. Examining yourself to ask "what's wrong with me?" becomes futile and a self-perpetuating loop when we don't find answers. We can all think of complete arseholes we wouldn't spend a minute with who always seem to have someone and we just can't see what they see in them. Similarly, so many of us know someone with loads going for them who just can't seem to find the right fit with someone else. You're not alone in your problem and it's not a fault in you, it's human beings, we're idiots )
Part of the problem with being smart, attractive, fit and independent is that some men are threatened by that, an unfortunate stumbling block they're not even fully aware of themselves. You're also in a demographic which seems to experience this more than others, because you're at an age where it matters to you, but stuck with men at an age where they often aren't ready. Below that age, it doesn't matter so much and above it you all know better what you want, so it's a different landscape from either angle. Obviously it's a generalisation, but look around and you'll see a few that fit the bill I'm sure.

One thing about your behaviour is that struck me is you say that about 3 or 4 dates in, anxiety strikes. You may think you're keeping that anxiety hidden, but it'll be showing somewhere, somehow and transmitting itself, probably long before the 3rd or 4th date in fact. That may explain why that guy was so hung up on saying he didn't want a relationship, somehow you're giving a vibe he felt he had to counter. It may have been a stock line, but there's a reason that's the one he reached for. Take the relationship out of your head as a goal and see what happens.

I'd suggest also that whatever you're doing to meet guys right now, change it. It hardly matters what you do next, take up a hobby or class or sport or something, even just for a little while. If you meet through a common pursuit and with no baggage of surrounding friendships, you can start with a clean slate and find each other out as you go. If you have a choice, do something you're crap at, make terrible pottery or paint bad art or do something you can laugh at. Bet you money changing that part of your act will change your luck.

Dr Crayfish

zcorpian88, you're kind of hijacking thread here, but if anyone's a basket case on pof it sounds like it just might be you. You sound very bitter, you should work on that. I met plenty of nice women on these things.

silverharp

OP, was this a problem in your early or mid twenties? if not then maybe its just that dating gets more tricky as you get older? On the plus side you don't seem to be dating "cads" who are just dating you for quick sex and on the assumption that you are dating on-line I would guess these guys have possibly started dating other girls and might explain why the contact falls off when its decision time? just speculation
Either persistence, widen your dating pool or try meeting men in your social life

khaldrogo

I don't want to be mean but there must be something about you if it's following the same pattern guy after guy.

Could be something as simple as religion or politics, points of view on certain subjects etc. If looks etc aren't an issue like you say there has to be something. I'm just trying to think out of the box.

LegacyUser

OP here thanks for the replies. When I said my anxiety starts after 4 or 5 dates I meant that prior to this things go well with guys and I am in no doubt that they are interested and it's generally smooth sailing. Then the contact starts to lessen and I hear from them less or they start giving excuses about not being able to meet up. Prior to this I am fine but when the pattern of behaviour changes I'm very quick to become aware of this and after a while of going from planning things weeks in advance or planning night away to barely texting me, inevitably I ask what's going on. I get the usual that I'm really nice but they don't want a relationship or that their life is up in a heap and they don't want a relationship.
I know every girl probably says this but I consider myself pretty easy going as long as I feel a guy makes an effort and we have fun together and there is some kind of spark, I am happy.
I just find it weird that guys never seem to want to get to the stage of even sleeping together. I guess that could be considered a good thing too as I'd probably feel worse if they ended things directly after that.
As for how I meet guys, I meet one on tinder, one through friends and one just on a random night out. I don't really have the heart or the interest in online dating at the moment as I'm probably quite soft and sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff so I don't think I'd be able for it emotionally.
I kind of feel myself that the way for me to meet someone is in person or on a night out as I tend to know quickly if there is interest there in my part and this is irrespective of how a guy looks. Whereas with the likes of tinder and apps that are based on looks, I've nothing else to go on and so only "like" guys I find attractive as the alternative is like every single guy.
Hopefully that gives a bit more insight into my situation at the moment.

Bambi985

Probably the most useless piece of advice in the world, but all these runarounds with arseholes matter feck all when you actually finally meet the right person OP. They give you nothing, teach you nothing but show you that the "right person" is so very much about timing.

I think the dating world in its modern form (which IME is predominantly online apps with some drunken night out encounters thrown in) is riddled with these types of behaviours, from ghosting to multi-dating and "keeping options open" to hot-and-cold treatment and emotionally unavailable men who are so used to swiping right that meaningful investment in any one woman is almost an impossibility. I'm recently single and in no way ready to date again, but in my previously single days I flirted with the apps and would literally see the same guys crop up over periods spanning as much as five years. I'll certainly not be venturing back on them, but 100% expect to encounter the same behaviours, only this time my attitude will be less "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" and more "ah one of those, right, NEXT".

Because on paper I'm a catch :pac::) but I'm also intensely aware of the fact that I'm looking for a metaphorical lottery ticket - someone it's easy with, where there's friendship as well as chemistry and compatibility as far as life goals and values and all the rest. It's a big ask, and it's not fallen into my lap previously so it will often require wading through streams of metaphorical mud and grime to get there! Enough metaphors for ya?

In short, stop turning it inward and just let it be what it is - a series of not-right-men and a learning opportunity. Play your cards close to your chest whilst continuing to say yes to everything from now on. Gambling it all on these boozy nights out and dating apps (if that's where you're meeting fellas) is leaving a bad taste in your mouth so stop, reset and change tact. Take up a hobby, train for a triathlon, start taking evening classes, whatever. Go to anything and everything and most of all stop allowing these encounters to tar how you see yourself. Allow yourself to be single without the panic of "I HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE" and "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" because statistically it's likely that you're going to meet someone, but you're doing yourself no favours by being insecure and having anxiety attacks when you meet someone new.

LegacyUser

vanburger wrote: »

OP here thanks for the replies. When I said my anxiety starts after 4 or 5 dates I meant that prior to this things go well with guys and I am in no doubt that they are interested and it's generally smooth sailing. Then the contact starts to lessen and I hear from them less or they start giving excuses about not being able to meet up. Prior to this I am fine but when the pattern of behaviour changes I'm very quick to become aware of this and after a while of going from planning things weeks in advance or planning night away to barely texting me, inevitably I ask what's going on. I get the usual that I'm really nice but they don't want a relationship or that their life is up in a heap and they don't want a relationship.
I know every girl probably says this but I consider myself pretty easy going as long as I feel a guy makes an effort and we have fun together and there is some kind of spark, I am happy.
I just find it weird that guys never seem to want to get to the stage of even sleeping together. I guess that could be considered a good thing too as I'd probably feel worse if they ended things directly after that.
As for how I meet guys, I meet one on tinder, one through friends and one just on a random night out. I don't really have the heart or the interest in online dating at the moment as I'm probably quite soft and sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff so I don't think I'd be able for it emotionally.
I kind of feel myself that the way for me to meet someone is in person or on a night out as I tend to know quickly if there is interest there in my part and this is irrespective of how a guy looks. Whereas with the likes of tinder and apps that are based on looks, I've nothing else to go on and so only "like" guys I find attractive as the alternative is like every single guy.
Hopefully that gives a bit more insight into my situation at the moment.

Since this seems to have been posted largely in response to my advice, I'll answer to say this is an unfortunate response, because all you've done is defend what you've been doing so far without showing any kind of insight into the fact that what you've been doing so far hasn't worked and dismissed the idea that alternative methods might offer you some better opportunities. Stick with what you've been doing so far if you like, but one of the surest things in life is that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.

cailin.

Your post reminds me of that annoying saying everyone tells you when you're single, that you'll meet the right person when you least expect it.

At the moment you are acutely aware of something that you think is a stumbling block 4 or 5 dates in. Perhaps, as others have suggested this is a pattern, and you are the problem, or else perhaps it's just a reflection in modern dating.
Take the focus away from what the problem is, and focus on yourself and being 100% comfortable in your own skin.
I would echo some of the sentiments made by Guessed, as even if you feel you are masking the anxiety it is likely to manifest in some form.

Take a break over Christmas and just focus on enjoying yourself. Your worth is not equivalent to how many dates someone thinks you are worthy of. When you meet the right person after a few dates you won't have to ask yourself these questions or be insecure about whether they like you enough. You will just know.
It is when you are not focused on something, that an opportunity presents itself. Online dating has become so tedious IMO, sometimes a break and a fresh perspective in a few weeks can do wonders.

dd972

''Allow yourself to be single without the panic of "I HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE" and "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" because statistically it's likely that you're going to meet someone, but you're doing yourself no favours by being insecure and having anxiety attacks when you meet someone new.''

Let's face it though it's pretty bloody staggering how easily Mr and Ms A.N Other end up in their cosy little situations, it ranges from chance meetings in a pub or workplace, horrible people who don't deserve it, bland people, narcissists, the mousy little gf/wife who pretends to be shy and only interacts with her OH and male family members, the people whom have never been single for more than 6 weeks, the list goes on, whilst others throw the kitchen sink at this stuff and eventually like myself just give up.

Bambi985

dd972 wrote: »

Let's face it though it's pretty bloody staggering how easily Mr and Ms A.N Other end up in their cosy little situations, it ranges from chance meetings in a pub or workplace, horrible people who don't deserve it, bland people, narcissists, the mousy little gf/wife who pretends to be shy and only interacts with her OH and male family members, the people whom have never been single for more than 6 weeks, the list goes on, whilst others throw the kitchen sink at this stuff and eventually like myself just give up.

I think throwing the kitchen sink at it can be counter-productive, as can attitudes like the above. When you approach the world with a "woe is me" and a "fcuk you, and fcuk you too" face people notice, it manifests in some way be it body language or negativity or whatever, and that's not the kind of person that people will gravitate towards.

On the first count, it's like going shopping with a few grand to spend and there's nothing doing, nothing you like, or it doesn't come in your size or colour or whatever. Versus taking a stroll when you're flat skint and seeing forty things you want to snap up in store windows.

When it comes to dating and relationships these little intricacies matter, your general demeanour, your attitude, your confidence, thoughts and feelings on the opposite sex, your level of enthusiasm for a relationship versus getting to actually know the person in front of you etc. Not to say that you shouldn't make every effort, but all too often I've met people who just wanted to railroad into a relationship with any willing participant and it can be very dehumanising and off-putting. It's why these people you mention meet their partners at work, or randomly in the pub, or whatever. They're not there looking for a husband or wife, they've already got the comfort of familiarity and maybe even friendship with that person, it's an easy transition if the attraction is there also.

So how do you quash that over-eagerness? It's not about stopping yourself from wanting a relationship, it's more about getting comfortable being single and not comparing yourself to the world around you. Many of those couples you feel embittered about are bloody miserable, or haven't had sex in years, or his mother hates her, or they're constantly rowing behind closed doors or whatever. Relationships aren't a magic bullet to happiness, they're just another way to live - albeit the most common way in society - but reframing your brain to see that the wrong relationship is far worse a fate than being single is where you start.

And even if you're surrounded by happy couples and Brady Bunch families, good for them! Isn't it great that they've found happiness and settled into that part of their lives, maybe like you have done with your career, or that house you bought or whatever. It's just one part of your life, not the entire sum of who you are and what you've achieved.

DoozerT6

Bambi985 wrote: »

Many of those couples you feel embittered about are bloody miserable, or haven't had sex in years, or his mother hates her, or they're constantly rowing behind closed doors or whatever. Relationships aren't a magic bullet to happiness, they're just another way to live - albeit the most common way in society - but reframing your brain to see that the wrong relationship is far worse a fate than being single is where you start.

While I wholeheartedly agree with what you posted, for someone who has for no apparent reason NEVER been able to find someone who is interested in them, those words are pretty cold comfort. Nobody wants to be in an unhappy relationship and I would advocate for anybody, now matter how much they crave love, to get out asap.

But for someone who is permanently single, it's about the FEELINGS that you're missing out on. The feeling that someone loves you, that you love them, that you have a romantic partner to do weekend stuff with, and you can finally become part of the 'couples conversations' that have always excluded and eluded you. If a relationship becomes unhealthy or abusive or just runs its natural course, then the sad realisation is that you need to end it. Again, breaking up with someone is a 'growing' experience that some of us never get to go through either.

But again, it's about the FEELINGS. To go through life and never experience romantic love is not the norm in most Western societies, and can make you feel quite excluded. To be in an unhappy relationship is also very sad, but those people had also once felt that 'rush', that attraction. They knew someone else fancied them, wanted to see them again, desired their company as well as their body. I know there are many complicated reasons why people stay in unhappy relationships, but surely they knew happiness earlier in the relationship. THAT is what some of us are missing. The happiness. Even if it eventually ends in sadness, there was once happiness. Not loneliness.

TLDR: I'd rather have loved and lost than never have (or been) loved at all.

Icepick

You need to date more, much more, OP. It's a numbers game. People who end up with a long-term partner after only dating a couple of people are either extremely lucky or that relationship is gonna suck.
No need to lose self-esteem because of the last guy. You don't need someone who doesn't even have the courage to ask you out when he 'always liked you'.