Confused

LegacyUser

Hi,
Just looking for advice. In a relationship for 5yrs. She is a great girl but we have had a major problem from the start in that our sex drives are just completely not on the same level. She is a traditional sort and wanted to wait untill married before she did the deed. I was fine with that but she wont try stuff or is difficult to turn on, struggles with the mess ,no oral etc. So as you can imagine it created alot of trouble, bad arguments which made things worse. We went to therapy but it didnt really work.
But anyway fast forward to now and its a very critical time because its basically either i ask her to marry me or we end it. I just dont know what to do.
My main problem at the moment is that i am really really confused as to how i feel about her. I mean i deeply care about her and love her but i dont know if its just like you would really care about a good friend or family member.
I dont have a great desire to do anything sexual with her, even kissing her can feel a bit weird and i dont know is that because of all the damage that has been done over the last few years regarding the sexual side of it or if the spark is just not there anymore.
Like there is a girl at work who has been flirting with me like a lunatic the last few weeks and i kinda like her.
Im riddelled with guilt. She desperately wants to have a family as we are both late 30's and i might be her last chance of having a child. I almost feel like i have to marry her, i just couldnt take knowing how heartbroken she would be. It would be terrible. i feel so bad for her.
So like i say, i spose if i knew the spark , the desire could still be in me somewhere at least we could maybe work on it when married. But i just dont know what to do! We were both living in the UK but she moved back to ireland while i stayed on here.
So its either start a life with someone now or end it!
Thanks for the replies in advance.

Neyite

I'll be very blunt here - she's not going to morph into a sex-kitten up for all sorts when the ring is on her finger. You know this deep down, or you wouldn't be posting.

She wants kids so your sex life after marriage will consist of her pestering you for PIV sex on key dates in her cycle and probably feck all outside of that. Saliva and lubes can affect semen quality so there'll be no oral then either.

She's late thirties so she still has time to have that family she wants - with better healthcare and us taking care of ourselves a bit better it can often be mid forties before female fertility declines to the point it's going to affect baby-making. But it would be mean of you to dither for another while when time isn't on her side.

If you've doubts, end it now. Or you'll be back here three years from now telling us that you are married a year and have had sex twice since as your wife won't entertain any intimacy and you are so lonely it hurts.

There are droughts in all relationships - especially when you start to try for a baby or when that baby comes along. But desire should always be there even if there's a lack of opportunity. But that's very different from someone with very rigid ideas like this that are at such odds with yours.

Therapy didn't work. She doesn't want to change. She doesn't like sex and has hang-ups that mean you are incomparable. She's telling you who she is - so listen to her.

Mr. Incognito

Sex and intimacy are the difference between friendships and partners.

Dump your friend and find a partner.

Aspadeaspade

Basically OP, marriage is not going to change the current situation. If you are not happy in the relationship it will only get worse and you will probably end up resenting her. As much as you think it's going to hurt her if you leave her now.. it will be worse if you stay and have children and then you will really be stuck.. Life is short OP. Go after your happiness because no one else will do it for you. Good luck.

Yellow pack crisps

I dont have a great desire to do anything sexual with her, even kissing her can feel a bit weird.

That’s your answer.

Don’t feel bad! You will feel worse when you are completely lonely in a sexless marriage. Intimacy is as key aspect of a healthy relationship. Sex is fun and builds a unique bond between a couple.

LegacyUser

The way you feel about her now is not going to be the same way you feel about her after a few more years of this, You seem to think now that's you can tolerate this lack of intimacy, maybe for now you will be able to but for most people it gets intolerable eventually, getting married and having babies is just going to make the whole situation far harder to get out of.

sbsquarepants

Jaysus - whatever you do, do NOT marry her!

khaldrogo

Run. Fast.

SimpleDimples

Oh....in summary,

You are in a 5 year "relationship" with no sex of any kind & you've already been to counselling?!

I hate to be harsh but what is in this for you?

Are you not sexually frustrated beyond belief for starters?
Bored out of your tree with this "relationship?
Completely deluded if you think an engagement ring will make her horny?

If there's no sex in the 5 yrs, how on earth do you have any hope for a sex life in the future? The only sex, if any, you will be having is sperm donor sex.

ManOfMystery

Don't be that guy who meanders through life in a sexless marriage with a partner he sees only as a friend, always wondering "what if". I can guarantee it will end either in an affair, divorce, a completely unhappy existence or a combination of all 3.

If you think your love life situation is bad now, it will only get worse after marriage. 

If you think breaking up with her is a terrible situation to have to go through, think of the rest of your life spent stewing over the issues you've listed in your post.

You know what you have to do here. You two aren't compatible in this way. You've tried to make the effort, but after 5yrs it's time to face reality and don't lead her on.

Teyla Emmagan

End it. Why are you even hesitating? The woman you marry is supposed to want to ride your fifty ways from Tuesday. Go find her.

bobsman

Do you live together OP?? Do you love her?

Wesser

I understand that she does not want intercourse until married. But even with that you should get a sense from her that she has sexual desire for you.... that she's literally holding herself back...

.it does not sound like she really desires you but is just holding herself back because of some religious belief.....

It sounds like she doesn't like sex......

WIZWEB

OP your post shows that you're interested in sex and encouraged to seek it elsewhere if not goin to get it at home. Considering your current circumstances I can't really blame you as your unmet needs are natural. Your partner needs to deal with HER issues regarding her phobias and excuse towards sex avoidance. As others have stated waiting until marriage is just another excuse.

You both need to have a serious conversation about where you are at and where you are going. You mention that you have engaged in joint counselling. I hope that this wasn't with someone like Accord who would support your partners selfish mindset. After a heart to heart if you still agree to go forward together I would suggest that she seek individual counselling to deal with her sexual issues. Also that you both again seek joint therapy to improve upon communication. Another option is to suggest an 'open relationship' to meet your sexual needs. Normally I'd never encourage such a scenario but it might be the wake up call she needs. Otherwise you seriously need to consider ending this as cheating behind her back isn't fair either.