Should I leave her or fight for our family?

LegacyUser

I know this is long but please read, I’m DESPERATE for help.
I imagine everyone’s story is a long one so I guess the bullet point kind of approach works best…
1.
She has always had a drink problem which I was warned about by mutual friends at the start but it seemed fine until we lived together & it flooded out then. Very abusive verbally with drink + highly erratic & always a confrontational person. Loves going out but can’t imagine doing it without drink & then it’s non-stop until she is carried out or passes out. She’s always “that one” on a night out. Before our child she would drink on average 6 nights a week (from a few glasses/cans a night to hammered & as messy as you could imagine). She still carries on like the kid whose popular in school/college for ‘those’ reasons but all her friends have grown up & moved on. I could go on & on explaining & with examples but I guess you get the point.
2.
I always put problems (arguing, fighting that come out of drink problems) down to just the drink because anytime it was out of her system (dry months or pregnancy) things between us were a dream.
I mean that, it was perfect that’s how I know how amazing a person is there. I’ve wanted to buy an engagement ring for years but before long all this stuff happens again & I can’t.
After our child was a few months old it all started again but I guess worse because we had our child now. No matter what, sometimes babies just want their mom & there were countless weekends over 2.5 years where baby was inconsolable & a mere hug from mom would have been enough. Sat & Sun were always about her either racing to get things done so she could start getting ready early at 3 or 4 (child recognized this & started getting upset from now because mom was obviously going to be going out again) or lost to a hangover, which was only ever a 24hr bug etc that just happened to be the night after a bender.
After a while in my current job (started around the same time as baby was born) I had to start lying in the “how was your weekend” chats. People started commenting things like “your gf has a great life, out every weekend living the life”. The implications were clear from you’re whipped to she’s bad news to what about your baby etc.
3.
One of these Sat nights, two friends were over & saw how she came back & couldn’t believe how bad she was (which was only an average night, I’d become used to it). One likened her to his own mother who is a very bad alcoholic. The question was asked then about cheating.
She’s beautiful, friendly etc all that someone would be attracted to. You know & accept going in that she’ll be pursued from time to time, make peace & move on. I 200% knew she would never cheat. Never. Not possible. Then.
4.
I found out she was secretly meeting up with an old friend (guy 1) who was always trying to get with her (he is divorced for cheating on his wife). Txting & deleting. Telling me she was with her family & telling them she was with me. Arranging to accidentally bump into him when out. All love hearts & Xs in txts. She said it was nothing but even if nothing physical happened, still. It looked like an end was put to it until a few months later, she didn’t come home until 5am (on occasion she wouldn’t come home at all). I checked her phone & saw they were txting & her taxi picked her up at his house. Despite being confronted with this (took months to build the confidence) she flat out denied it, she didn’t txt or see him that night & wasn’t at this house. Several months after that night she was caught cheating on me in a pub surrounded by all her friends with a piece of crap (guy 2). She never told me. Instead her friends got word back to me. Turns out they were trying to get word back to me for months/years about what she’s like on a night out, apparently it was really bothering them as they knew me & our child.
5.
We’ve been living apart for nearly 6 months (weekend dad now) while I wait for her to try fix the mess she’s made over the last few years. I’m still waiting. She seems to just want to sweep things away as if they never happened. We’ve had nights away as a family in the 6 months which have all been great (yes we were together). The other night she said she wants to get married next year. Then I snooped & found out that she has been txting guy 1 again. Also guy 3 now, who has also been after her for years. Long & short of it, 3 weeks ago they arranged to go on a date which seems to have not happened yet.

What the hell do I do?!

Have some self respect and dump her. She deserves it. There’s nothing to fight for. You are her doormat, babysitter and safety net. She’s a liar, a drunk and a cheat. She’s a bad mother, a crappy girlfriend and would make an apalling wife. Get rid of her now and get on with your life.

You know that already. Stop looking for false hope and don’t accept it from any eejit that offers it. She’s not going to be what you want or need, NEVER will be.

Alan Smithee

That's tough OP your head must be melted. Based on what you say I don't see any future for you two together as a couple that works. Too much has happened and there appears to be no chance of things getting better. The alcohol abuse alone is worrying but the cheating and to put it mildly lax pareting add to the bleak outlook. If I were you I would end all physical/romantic contact as you will only continue to get hurt (easier said than done I know) to help get some perspective. That's gonna be tough you are only human with needs desires hopes et al but you need to stay strong.

More importantly though you need to consider the welfare of your child. Based on what you say the baby is to put it bluntly at risk of neglect. Are you a legal guardian? Contact treoir for further info as there have been recent changes in law regarding unmarried fathers (up until recently an unmarried father does not have automatic rights of guardianship) and I would ask the question is mam the best person to raise yer child? I would discuss this with family and possibly a solicitor and social services. I would also advise your ex to seek help for her addiction as that what it sounds like.
I think your friends are not telling you directly that this relationship is toxic. Have a sit down with a close friend or two and ask them their honest advice. I imagine they and everyone here will tell you to walk away from her but not your child.
Best of luck OP it is an awful situation but you can come out of it: and continue tobe the best dad you can be what comes across in your post is the love you have for your child. I hope it works out for you all.

Airyfairy12

Take your child out of that toxic situation and leave her. Not only is she a compulsive liar, she's an alcoholic, she doesnt respect you or your child and only cares about herself. She has no intention of changing. Why are you doing this to yourself? dont you and your child deserve better? and why are you only 'weekend dad' surely she's not responsible enough to be taking care of a young child. Do not put your relationship/feelings for this woman above the safety and security of your child.

Airyfairy12

JayZeus wrote: »

Have some self respect and dump her. She deserves it. There’s nothing to fight for. You are her doormat, babysitter and safety net. .

You cant babysit your own child. Thats just called being a parent.

david75

TIme to leave man. For yourself and your own well being. This is a case of ‘if you allow it, it will continue’ you’re not to blame but if you stay you’re enabling it. She’s gotta lose it all before she can snap out of it. Don’t feel bad. Get yourself outta there and don’t look back.

Aspadeaspade

What a sad state of affairs OP. I dread to think of the life she is giving your child, isn't anyone thinking about your little one? It's such a shame people ignore what they see and hear about the people they get involved with.. Why would you even want to make it work with this person? I hope for your sake you can get your child away from her a become a real and full-time parent.. You can walk away from her but your child can't..

Wesser

I find it hard to believe that the child is only with you at weekends.
She should be with you all the time.
Does she drink during the week?
If so you should be calling Tulsa.

Big Bag of Chips

Who looks after your child when she's out of her head pissed or hungover? Why did you walk out and leave the child in that situation? She's the mother, but you appear to be the only parent the child has.

Do not ever get back with her. At least not until she has dried herself out and commits to staying sober. But do not leave a small defenceless child in her care. I work in an area that has a lot of contact with young children. And very often children are brought in by the guards, often with head injuries, broken bones, and a report saying neighbours called the guards because the child (often children under 3 years of age) was outside, unsuitably dressed, while mother was found in an intoxicated state in the house.

Your ex is an alcoholic. She's not out trying to be "the popular girl from school". She's an alcoholic with a physical and emotional addiction. And drink will always be put before everything else. You couldn't handle living with it any more. Please don't expect your child to.

Contact Tusla and ask for their help and advice. Get the child out of there as a priority.

SimpleDimples

It's impossible have an equal relationship with !an alcoholic.

You need to leave for both you and the child. As others have said, how the hell is the child cared for when you are not around?

Everyone in your life seems to be screaming at you about how toxic the relationship is - your workmates, your friends, her friends etc

Stop enabling her and do the right thing by your child. Stop also wishing for the sober version of her to return, they are long gone, if she can't get her shot together for the sake of her child, she's well and truely at the stage where she needs significant rehab to beat this.

mojesius

Do not contemplate going back. Your life will be miserable. Only she can fix her alcohol addiction when she decides to. The cheating/lying could all be a byproduct of that but you'll never know this for sure until she's completely sober and takes responsibility for her actions.

You should be focusing on getting your child away from her asap. Someone very close to me grew up in a house ruled by drink and partying, it destroyed their childhood and they spent a good deal of their adult life trying to come to terms with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.
I'm surprised the drinking has been so much more the focus than the likely continued cheating. Maybe just because it's more recent. Also she lives with her parents now. And since She was caught cheating & I left her drinking has reduced, I was the safety net that allowed her to go on that way maybe. She still gets bad at the weekend from what I understand but don't see first hand, doesn't have the time during the week with me not there.

Big Bag of Chips

The cheating is a side affect of her destructive personality. She has little control over herself. It's why she drinks so much. She has no control. Same reason she cheats. She has no control, because of how much drinking affects and controls her. You might do well from a few visits to Al-Anon. It's a support group for people living with an alcoholic in their lives. You will find that her behaviour is fairly typical of every other alcoholic whose family members will be there.

Cutting down isn't enough for people like her. Because they cut down just enough to reel you back in and then everything returns to "normal" pretty soon. If you got back with her now, promised to marry her, started arranging the wedding and just brushed over everything she has done, how long before it would slip back to the same old same old?

She has cheated on you. That's your issue to either accept or not. Nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn't accept. That's a personal choice. But don't fool yourself that now that you've left she's sorting herself out. She's not. And if you get back together and you're there again as the safety net, how long before she slips back to old habits?

You were enabling her. You were covering for her. You were lying for her. You were making excuses for her. You were protecting her from herself and defending her to others. She has this drink problem before you came along, according to others. She still has it after you've gone. You, and your child were/are not enough to stop her. She was prepared to lose you rather than stop drinking.

You need to be more than a weekend dad to that child. (Are you sure she wasn't cheating on you around the time she got pregnant?) The child is your equal responsibility. She can't be trusted to take care of them. Her family shouldn't be expected to. You need to step up and fight to be the full time parent and let her be the weekend mam. It would be interesting to see would drinking win over getting to spend time with her child at the weekends.

I know a weekend dad who rarely sees his children at weekends because drinking, drugs and his new gf are higher on his list of priorities.

charlietheminxx

Anony247 wrote: »

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Cheating is often a side effect of alcoholism, but her alcoholism is still the primary issue. People who drink like her usually have cripplingly low self esteem, and it causes all kinds of issues. Do you think she would have cheated on you if she was sober? She still hasn’t seen her behaviour as reason enough to stop drinking though. She can’t admit that her behaviour is a problem. It’s the addiction, it’s a disease but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

The sad fact is that someone generally can’t get sober for anyone else, they have to want it for themselves. Maybe you’re right and you played a role as an enabler, but even without that she is still drinking every weekend (and maybe just doing a better job of covering her tracks for any additional drinking).

She’s probably a wonderful person without alcohol but unless she decides to sort herself out, you need to remove yourself and your child from that situation. Her behaviour is not going to magically improve with time, she won’t be able to just cut down a bit, she will need to commit to stopping drinking and she is not going to be fit to be a proper partner or mother until that happens.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s brutal but you are not alone in this experience. I would suggest contacting al-anon, it’s a support network for family and friends of alcoholics.

LegacyUser

She was sober when she was arranging the meet ups with guy 1 and making the date with guy 3 a few weeks ago. When shes dry away from her family it's perfect. There's a fairly relaxed approach to drinking in the extended family despite some members being full blown. I've been to counselling on & off over the last year and the same msg more or less was put across there. She won't change as long as she doesn't 'need' to. But yes she would be internally very insecure (says so at least) despite appearing as a very confident strong outgoing personality

Teyla Emmagan

Anony247 wrote:

I'm surprised the drinking has been so much more the focus than the likely continued cheating.

Because it's obvious to everyone else that she's not relationship material so there's no point even discussing her fidelity. She's a mess. The drinking is the primary concern as it relates to the care of your child. I think it's unlikely that she is not looking for any opportunity to drink, and her parents can't be watching her full time, if I were you I would be far more concerned about her being drunk in charge of your kid. You, and her parents probably, don't see her drinking clearly, you're accustomed to it. But it's a huge problem. Kids should not be left in the charge of an alcoholic.

kerryjack

Leave her and try to take your child with you, some people just refuse to grow up

uberwolf

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You cant babysit your own child. Thats just called being a parent.

It's fair comment in the circumstances IMO, as it refers to the perspective of his ex rather than his own view on the situation.

OP. You acknowledge needing to build up the confidence to confront her, so I appreciate that you're not tackling this with a cold perspective, but... You need to move on. This isn't even a relationship and she is toxic and will never change.

juneg

Anony247 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far.
I'm surprised the drinking has been so much more the focus than the likely continued cheating. Maybe just because it's more recent. Also she lives with her parents now. And since She was caught cheating & I left her drinking has reduced, I was the safety net that allowed her to go on that way maybe. She still gets bad at the weekend from what I understand but don't see first hand, doesn't have the time during the week with me not there.

It's because the drinking will interfere with her ability to care for a defenceless child. That's the concern

Sleepy

You need to do two things OP. The first is a paternity test and the second depends on the results of that test: either file for custody or report her to TUSLA in order to have the child placed with foster parents.

Big Bag of Chips

When you say "should I... fight for our family" what fight are you talking about? Fighting her to keep her sober? To keep her faithful? What do you think you could do differently in the future in order to fight for your family?

I think the only fight you should be having is the fight for full custody of your daughter and to bring her up in a stable home environment.

No matter how much one person wants a family to work out it needs the full commitment of 2 people. One trying really hard on their own isn't enough.

Crypto Coin

First things first, get a paternity test, you need to know if the child is actually yours. If not, kick her and the child out of the house. If it's yours, then file for custody as she is unfit to be a parent.

Big Bag of Chips

Anony247 wrote: »

She was sober when she was arranging the meet ups with guy 1 and making the date with guy 3 a few weeks ago.

If she had been drinking in the preceding days/weeks before arranging to meet any of these fellas then she wasn't "sober" in the normal sense of the word. You or me are sober on a daily basis. An alcoholic isn't "sober" if they haven't drank for a few days. An alcoholic can only be classed as sober when they have made the conscious decision to stop drinking, and have stopped drinking. Unless she had decided to stop drinking, and was taking steps towards getting support to help her stop, then she was still alcoholic who was looking towards and planning her next drink.

It's funny that in all of this, your question is more about her cheating and should you accept it/fight for her. It's like, as you say, her drinking has become some normal to you now that you don't see it as a big deal. Her coming in in a state that shocked your friends didn't even register on your radar! People tend not to interfere in other people's relationships as a rule. Yet, you have had numerous people warn you, tell you, advise you about this one.

Her drinking is the root cause of all the other problems that follow her around. If she won't fix that, you can't.

LegacyUser

What's the point in fighting for it if you are the only one fighting?

bucketybuck

Dear god, she is a lying drunkard who has cuckolded you all over town and made an absolute show of you, its very, very clear what you should be doing.

power pants

I'd go for a paternity test

MissShihTzu

I'd go for legal advice first! OP - you need to tread very carefully here. First off, do you have guardianship? I'm not sure how the law works here, whether you have to apply for it or if it's automatic at birth. Get that in hand first.

You also need to remember that as the father, it is extremely unlikely a court will grant you sole or partial custody, even if the mother is a drunk! What is in your ex's 'favour' is the fact she lives with her parents who I am sure are well aware of the fact the girl likes the sauce and takes little to no interest in the child. It would not surprise me if they were the ones doing most of the childcare.

I would more go for a set visitation order, and play the long game. Take careful note of how the baby is with you, is she clean and tidy when you pick her up, is she adequately clothed and fed, is Mum sober or pissed? Keep a diary of events.

Hope it works out for you.