It f*cks with my head how "unmanly" I am

LegacyUser

Yep, the title of this thread sums it all up really.

I wouldn't be considered the most "manly" person at all, and that makes me feel ashamed.

I'm skinny, low in confidence, deal poorly in confrontation, admittedly unmotivated & unambitious, easily nervous, easily upset, whenever I try speak in a group I'm easily dismissed or talked over, I'm still living at home, pushing 30 & the list goes on...

I understand that the solution is a mixture between acceptance and working on myself, but progress is very slow & I feel kinda lost. I've no idea which direction I'm going. I feel depressed & ashamed of even thinking about who I am. I really, really don't like who I am as a man.

I don't know, I understand this isn't a serious issue compared to what others have posted here, but it's still very upsetting and real.

I guess if any other guys have ever felt this way, I'd really appreciate hearing from them.

I just needed an outlet to express all this, thank you.

Jay Pentatonic

No one cares...now man up and get over it!!
I'm joking pal, obviously.

Your post struck a chord with me. I hear what you're saying man, and it can hurt sometimes.
The best advice (off hand) that I can give you is to stop comparing yourself to others, whether they are "manly" or "unmanly" just stop comparing yourself to other guys.

Instead, focus on being the strongest YOU that you can be. Work on it every day, be okay with failure, but keep at it every day. You say in your post that you know the solution is (in part) "working on yourself", only you really know what that entails.

Just keep at it every day I guess

Wesser

Very good advice.
I would also say that physical exercise strengthens the mind as much as the body

Dancing Inferno

Join a gym and start a weightlifting regime. It will boost your testosterone, improve your psychical appearance and help our confidence.

khaldrogo

Do worry about your size or perceived lack of masculinity. We all come n different shapes and sizes.

The only thing that will change your life is action from you.

Teyla Emmagan

Are you depressed? You should speak to your GP.

Toastmasters is great for building confidence. Would you give it a shot?

And don't dismiss how you feel you seem very unhappy.

JackTaylorFan

Skinny boy billy bob wrote: »

I'm skinny, low in confidence, deal poorly in confrontation, admittedly unmotivated & unambitious, easily nervous, easily upset, whenever I try speak in a group I'm easily dismissed or talked over...

Ask yourself if you would really like to behave in the assholish way people who shout over you do. I imagine the answer is no.

A lot of people who act in that manner lack empathy, whilst a lot of the people who get shouted down could do with a little less of it if they want to be heard.

Honestly, I think you are focusing too much on trying to live up to something you're not - which is unhealthy. You are wired differently; have different strengths, you should focus on those.

Airyfairy12

Id recommend you read The descent of man by Grayson Perry.

Don't be so hard on yourself, lots of adults still live at home, rent is crazy and there's no hope for any young single person to take out a mortgage unless theyre extremely high earners or have family helping them out.

You don't need to bulk up or join a gym, accept yourself as you are. As a skinny girl im sick and tired of living up to the expectations that im not 'womanly' enough unless I look like Kim Kardashian and feeling like I should be curvy in places I never will be unless I get surgery and stuff myself with silicone. We're living in a filtered, social media obsessed culture and its impossible to avoid feeling insecure.

Please give that book a read, it's very short but gets the point across and might give you a different perspective on the idea of 'manliness'

dd972

I think in Irish society the braggart, gombeen and bull****ter is lionised and there are pig ignorant examples of people here who take this philosophy literally, so I do think there is a societal aspect as regards how you self-perceive yourself to be 'failing'.

In my case I'm an introvert and have heard it all as regards disparaging comments questioning my 'manliness' and sexuality on the basis of just being quiet and not pushing myself forward, it's as if there's some sort of coda or way you're meant to project yourself that other blokes know but no one's sat me down and explained to me how the whole f**king shebang works.

I usually also find though that with people who take the trouble to start talking to me and get to know me, their perception of me is a million miles away from those w**kers who take one look at you and form a snap opinion.

Kidchameleon

Look into moving out of the parents home. Exercise (regular walking is fine) Read a few books on assertivness (there are tons of them). One other thing, absolutely, 100%, f**k what anyone else thinks of you and be youself. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, even those who talk over you.

BrokenArrows

Skinny boy billy bob wrote: »

Yep, the title of this thread sums it all up really.

I wouldn't be considered the most "manly" person at all, and that makes me feel ashamed.

I'm skinny, low in confidence, deal poorly in confrontation, admittedly unmotivated & unambitious, easily nervous, easily upset, whenever I try speak in a group I'm easily dismissed or talked over, I'm still living at home, pushing 30 & the list goes on...

I understand that the solution is a mixture between acceptance and working on myself, but progress is very slow & I feel kinda lost. I've no idea which direction I'm going. I feel depressed & ashamed of even thinking about who I am. I really, really don't like who I am as a man.

I don't know, I understand this isn't a serious issue compared to what others have posted here, but it's still very upsetting and real.

I guess if any other guys have ever felt this way, I'd really appreciate hearing from them.

I just needed an outlet to express all this, thank you.

If being "manly" in the stereotypical sense would help you then its a pretty simple solution.

1. Join a gym, get a personal trainer and bulk up. Dont half ass it and dedicate yourself to it.
2. To help with your confrontation issues join a MMA or boxing class. Learn to protect yourself and know that when in confrontation that at least you will not be afraid of physical violence.

Focus on these two small things and then as you deal with the physical aspects of what you see as being "manly" your personality will evolve too as at the very least you are visually "manly" and might give you more confidence.

Mr. Incognito

If you are living in Dublin I'll quite happily take you to the gym for free and show you how to start weightlifting properly.

beans

“Comparison is the death of joy.”

-- Mark Twain

kylith

Being physically strong or confrontational is not manly.

Being a man is about acting and treating other people with dignity and honour.

If you suffer with your confidence then there are things you can do about that; Toastmasters, as mentioned upthread, is a great way of gaining confidence with public speaking, physical exercise can help you feel more confidence in your appearance and ability.

Instead of comparing yourself to other people focus on being the best you that you can be.

bucketybuck

If there is something you want to change then the question always is, what are you doing about it?

Thats all it comes down to, point yourself in whatever direction and start moving, start doing something to make it happen. Its not a project that needs to be handed in tomorrow morning, you have time and all you have to do is a little bit every day. Eventually all those little bits add up into a lot and you'll find things have already changed.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Rubberchikken

A man is made of many parts. More important than size weight height etc is how he treats everyone he meets and the respect he shows for them and himself.
If you think it'll help then join a gym and work on your body shape.
If youre feeling down talk with your gp.
Stop comparing yourself to anyone else.
When you believe that you are unique then youll begin to feel happy in yourself.
Take care

silverharp

its really about having a purpose, being independent. You could look like Mr Universe but if you are living in your proverbial "mom's basement" and not gainfully employed then it will be difficult to have much self respect.