Anniversary, disappointed

dragona

It was my 20th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. I had a quite big surgery on Monday, so am feeling extra delicate.

Marriage has been turbulent for many years, there was infidelity on his part nearly two years ago, am struggling but thought we were plodding along. I took a lot of effort and care in selecting him a gift, not terribly extravagant money wise, but had to save for it.

I just think it's a miracle that we are still together, and wanted to mark the occasion with something special.

He got me nothing. A card, and thats it. Not even a bar of chocolate. He claims he had no money. Last year he forgot completely. Seems so silly but I'm so upset that he didn't make any effort.

Ursus Horribilis

I remember your thread from a couple of years ago when he was cheating on you and being absolutely obnoxious. Did you ever sort that out? Because from what you wrote back then, a missed anniversary is the least of your worries.

He was astonishingly cruel to you at the time and threatened to smash a wine bottle in your face. How to come back from that is an achievement in itself. I wonder did the pair of you stay together for all the wrong reasons? Unless your circumstances have changed since then, you had disability issues and were totally dependent on your husband. Would either of you have anywhere to go if you split up? Are you expecting too much from this marriage I wonder?

WIZWEB

OP I empathize with your situation. Careful that I may be projecting from a similar past experience but here I go....

What I realized was that I was enabling his behavior. I'm not trying to revictimise the victim here. Basically by invalidating my personal boundaries and not challenging his disrespect towards me I was fascilitating this disregard.

Several points came to mind. My lack of value towards myself displayed to him and others that I was basically worthless. Basically for such a person not even a card was required to keep me. Well so he believed for a long time after the initial 'honeymoon' period ended. By being encouraged into a belief of undeserving entitlement of the basic tenets of a human relationship connection my needs were radically managed downwards. I started to feel that all I deserved was even a card to prove I wasn't nothing to him! Over time I gave all my power away. Can I blame him for taking it? No not really because my growing tolerance for this disrespectful behavior motivated him to continue it to excess in many areas. I would threaten to leave but wouldn't. After years of this I eventually did leave (several times) but always came back so he knew I was wrapped around his little finger always accepting his crumbs. Eventually for my own sanity and self-worth I planned and executed a permanent escape. Of course the crumbs when thrown at me again that time were now stale. I was done.

OP I'm sorry that your husband thinks so little of you that he has been unfaithful at least once and devalues you further by minimizing your basic needs. I doubt he forget your birthday last year. It just wasn't important to him. You're not important to him. The card this year was a mnimum effort to appease you and show you how great he is for 'remembering'! OP ask yourself do you want or deserve another twenty years of this. You, we all have choices. Some are really tough to make. However think of the guaranteed consequences on your emotional, psychological and physical health over time if this scenario continues.

WIZWEB

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He was astonishingly cruel to you at the time and threatened to smash a wine bottle in your face. How to come back from that is an achievement in itself. I wonder did the pair of you stay together for all the wrong reasons?

Just saw this edit from Ursula Horribilis. OP if that was you then you were and most likely are still in an abusive relationship. I can't condone anyone staying in such a relationship. You are a victim here. Get support from family and friends. Most of all seek out professional help for yourself. Turning from a victim to survivor is an amazing achievement. It takes lots of work. Staying in this toxic environment curtails any chance of you moving forward.

Big Bag of Chips

You say it's a miracle you're still together. Is it though? Or is it out of habit? Fear of walking away? Laziness on your/his part?

Have you (plural) tried really hard to improve your marriage, or have you (singular) tried really hard to improve your marriage. It sounds like he couldn't give a sht, and you're together more by default than some strong desire and will to put past hurts behind you.

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and be a good strong relationship. It only takes 1 person though to stick with it and refuse to walk away to make a marriage last a long time. Long marriage doesn't necessarily mean happy marriage.

Are you happy with him? He's not the expressive type. He doesn't do displays of affection or sentimental gifts, so to him your anniversary wasn't any different. If you're happy with that, then you wouldn't expect much more from him. If you're holding out hope for him to be something that he has never been, then you are going to be disappointed time and time again.

Yellow pack crisps

Nothing much happened today.

Those words were spoken when a world war was averted at the last minute by a prominent world leader.

The small things can get us and it’s usually to do with something much larger.

dragona

Thanks for replies. I know what I need to do x