Ex from 6 years ago still in my head......

LegacyUser

Hi.

I'm looking for compassion with this post, not necessarily advice.

6 long years ago, I split from my partner of 2 years. The relationship was fraught with various life crises (mainly ill health) that eventually took it's toll on us both.

I was inexperienced, very emotionally immature and completely asleep to the effects of my general behaviour. I had a very difficult upbringing and as much as I thought I had resolved these issues at the time, I hadn't.

When we broke up, I just wanted out. And maybe a break could have been best. But I went and started a relationship with someone else before I was ready, such was the condition of my life at the time.

When I got together with the new guy, I got a long mail from my ex, pleading with me not to make a mistake. I was too hurt and immature to listen. I still remember where I was when I read it and I wish so badly that I could do a 'sliding doors' and call him at that precise moment. He said in the email that we belonged together. 6 years later... here I am. Maybe he was right but I know he no longer feels this way now.

I've tried getting in contact again but to be honest, it's pretty clear he doesn't want a bar of me. I'm okay with this. I have accepted it and I know I will probably never even see him again. We live on opposite sides of the country.

But 6 years later, I still struggle. We share many musical loves and I still can't listen to certain songs without literally feeling like it's 6 years ago again.

My life and myself have moved on. I have a 2 year old son who I am completely committed to and in love with. I am in a very good place, personally, having done a f&ck load of work on myself and I have dealt with my traumatic past.

I can't ever get him out of my head. I still love him deeply. I don't think it's possible to not after everything we went through together. I wish I could just move on like he has but I still think about him often and deep down, I am still heartbroken over the end of our relationship.

I know I should forget it. That's what I want to do. I suppose i'd like to hear from people who know just how damn hard this is.

This isn't about me trying to get back with him. It's not about him. It's about me. And wishing I still didn't feel this way 6 years later!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I had a similar experience. Broke up with someone who didn't want to. Was in a messed up place mentally. Regretted it a couple of years later and it was too late. Move forward 15 years and I still have my regrets. To be honest there is not much you can do. Even if they wanted you back it would be different. You have both changed.

I know people say that you can't go back to the past. In some ways it is an annoying trite thing to say, but that doesn't stop it being the truth. You are thinking about him often, which means you are spending time in memories which is pointless (though I am guilty too!).

Unfortunately, I have no silver bullet. I could mention something about going to a gym, but I'll leave that to others (seems to be main advice these days)...

Hugs

zoobizoo

We learn from relationships - maybe you needed to have that relationship before you could find the relationship you're now in.

You wanted out back then for a reason - and generally, if you want out, there are plenty of good reasons for that.

We can all view old relationships with rose tinted glasses...... but when you look at them under a microscope, you see the details rather than the "romantic" side that we possibly all hanker after.....


On a practical level...

I was in the car the other day and heard a song that brought me back to a certain time, a certain place and I started getting nostalgic for a previous time in my life.. .... I was overcome with regret or maybe a hankering after my younger self... but it wasn't a healthy feeling.

I switched stations and focused on what I had in my life now..

Sometimes some things should just remain in the past

Vela

I know you say you're in a good space now, but in my experience, these pangs of "nostalgia" tend to creep up when life isn't going so great. It's hard to be so close to someone for so long and then lose them completely, especially when you've gone through a lot of heavy sh1t. But you can't make someone want you. You've reached out and it seems that he isn't interested, so your only option now is to try to distract yourself from those thoughts every time they creep in. It'll be hard to do, but you will eventually focus on that period of your life less and less.

flowerchild

Trust yourself and your feelings. Listen to yourself and decide what you want to do.

leggo

OP in reality the person you're pining for doesn't exist anymore. When I think back to myself even a year ago...I'm not a different person, but so much has gone on and changed that I'm definitely not the same person I was a year ago either. Multiply that by six for this guy. Six years is like 7-8% of an entire lifespan. So you're not actually pining after a real person, you're pining after a feeling in your life or a style of relationship that you want to get back to. When you look at it that way, your situation is a lot more manageable.

Also, when we make a mess of things in relationships, it's easy to have regrets and a want a do-over to right these wrongs. Especially when it comes to people we've hurt: if you're an empathetic person, you'll want to make them feel better and show them that your behaviour wasn't indicative of you or your feelings towards them but with unresolved issues you've had. But that's not how life works, we move forward not back. If it helps in a weird way, chances are that six years later your ex just doesn't care anymore if you hurt him, he likely just feels nothing towards the entire situation. So for your own sake you need to forgive yourself and move forward.

In summary: if you examine what it is exactly you're pining over here, what kind of feeling/relationship you want, and resolve to find that with someone new and do it right this time with them, then this is a way of putting these feelings to bed.

Btw, what you're going through isn't abnormal. I'm not going to say that everyone looks back on relationships from years ago and still can't get them out of their head, because people deal with that stuff all the time, but everyone deals differently and it's okay to feel this way. I won't miss exes specifically but I'll get little pangs of memories based around times of year, places, songs, stupid 'On This Day' notifications on social media and, for a moment, get sad that that period of my life is over. That's totally normal. But understand that and move on, because like I said the physical person you're looking for has six years of life since you've known them and likely isn't even close to the same guy he was when you shared all of this.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

OP in reality the person you're pining for doesn't exist anymore. When I think back to myself even a year ago...I'm not a different person, but so much has gone on and changed that I'm definitely not the same person I was a year ago either. Multiply that by six for this guy. Six years is like 7-8% of an entire lifespan. So you're not actually pining after a real person, you're pining after a feeling in your life or a style of relationship that you want to get back to. When you look at it that way, your situation is a lot more manageable.

Also, when we make a mess of things in relationships, it's easy to have regrets and a want a do-over to right these wrongs. Especially when it comes to people we've hurt: if you're an empathetic person, you'll want to make them feel better and show them that your behaviour wasn't indicative of you or your feelings towards them but with unresolved issues you've had. But that's not how life works, we move forward not back. If it helps in a weird way, chances are that six years later your ex just doesn't care anymore if you hurt him, he likely just feels nothing towards the entire situation. So for your own sake you need to forgive yourself and move forward.

In summary: if you examine what it is exactly you're pining over here, what kind of feeling/relationship you want, and resolve to find that with someone new and do it right this time with them, then this is a way of putting these feelings to bed.

Btw, what you're going through isn't abnormal. I'm not going to say that everyone looks back on relationships from years ago and still can't get them out of their head, because people deal with that stuff all the time, but everyone deals differently and it's okay to feel this way. I won't miss exes specifically but I'll get little pangs of memories based around times of year, places, songs, stupid 'On This Day' notifications on social media and, for a moment, get sad that that period of my life is over. That's totally normal. But understand that and move on, because like I said the physical person you're looking for has six years of life since you've known them and likely isn't even close to the same guy he was when you shared all of this.

Thanks for this. It has really struck a chord with me. And yes, you are right. Because I certainly am not the same person that I was back then. And there's no way he is either.

Thank you. Honestly - this has really set my head straight.

Thanks to everyone who replied to me.