Girlfriend freaks out when I arrange to see friends

LegacyUser

So I'll start at the beginning...

Almost 3 years ago I started a new job in a small company. As it was small and we were all of the same age group and many of us were starting around the same time, many of us started hanging around socially and it was a fun place to be at the time. At the same time, I started getting closer to one of the girls there who joined a few years before me, and eventually we started dating.

Fast forward two years - all of that crew including myself and my now girlfriend went to different companies. In all, myself and herself are happy - we have just moved in together and things are coming along nicely. There is one problem - I am still very good friends with many of that group from our old company whereas owing to a personality clash that predated our relationship between herself and a good friend of mine from then, the guy who's probably the glue that still holds that group together, she is not. I try to keep them separate because the last time I experimented in bringing everyone together they ended up fighting like cats and dogs and there was a lot of drama.

My continued friendship with them never normally causes an issue but when there is a meetup happening (as has been planned this Christmas) she ends up getting very bitter and angry about it and taking it out on me. I tell her she can come if she likes but she doesn't want to be in the same room as my friend (the guy who is organizing this) - I ask what the problem is then and she says I just don't get it. To compound things she wasn't treated particularly well by management when she was leaving that company (she made the mistake of believing them when they asked people to talk to them when they are thinking of getting a new job - management did their best to hound her out of the company - it wasn't a very nice place) so she has quite a few unresolved issues about that company and I having people from back then in my life opens old wounds for her.

This may seem like a minor thing but it plays into a combination of anxiety and OCD she has (which we manage most of the time, so it's fine) so when she gets like this it can lay waste to a whole week. She bit my head off all morning about it - never telling me not to go mind, just raging about it and the company and those people and the whole lot. I offered to cancel on them if it upset her so much (even though I was looking forward to it) and she told me I didn't get it and to forget about it.

So I don't know what to do about this - I thought she would get over it eventually but here we are two years later and it's still happening. I invited her and she didn't want to go. I offered to not go myself and she didn't want me to do that. What do I do here PI? She has her friends, am I not allowed to have my friends too? Am I being unreasonable here?

Contessa Raven

Sounds like she is overreacting, big time. From what you have said, she seems to want to b1tch and moan about it but doesn't actually want to go or for you not to go. So she is just being nasty and bitter to get it off her chest. How is that fair to you?

You two need to sit down (preferably when you're both calm) and talk about it. Ask her what it is you "don't get", ask her to maybe try and explain it, and then point out that bar not going, or her tagging along, there isn't much else to be done about it.

She needs to see that biting your head off is not fair. Is she remorseful at all after these outbursts? Do you think she secretly hopes you will just cut these people out of your life so she doesn't have to deal with this stuff?

Sounds to me like she's taking out all the unresolved feelings she has around that time in her life and dumping it onto your head. It's not constructive and you don't deserve that treatment.

pwurple

Are the people you meet up with the same people who treated her badly in the company? That might be the problem, she wants you to stand up to them on principal or something.
If not, then it's just irrational. And having the same fight over and over again for 2 years? Talk about Exhausting / boring.

Sounds like a bit of a drama llama tbh.

Kidchameleon

She is trying to control you. Let her away with it and prepare for a life of misery because this will only be the start. Go out with your friends, leave her at home if thats what she wants, let her throw a strop. Do not let her walk all over you.

suicide_circus

"I love you but I'm simply not prepared to be told who I can or cannot socialise with. I don't tell you what to do, please afford me the same courtesy."

fima

I don’t understand why you would be friends with someone that managed your girlfriend out of a job ? That’s what I’m reading the situation to be and it sounds like they (your friends with one main culprit) had your girlfriend constructively dismissed ? Can you not see how that would hurt her that you consider these people to be friends.

If I was her I wouldn’t be with someone so disrespectful. OP you sound like you want the best of both worlds but sometimes that’s not possible so you will have to make a choice.

Ursus Horribilis

OP is she OK with you seeing your other friends?

osarusan

fima wrote: »

I don’t understand why you would be friends with someone that managed your girlfriend out of a job ? That’s what I’m reading the situation to be and it sounds like they (your friends with one main culprit) had your girlfriend constructively dismissed ? Can you not see how that would hurt her that you consider these people to be friends.

If I was her I wouldn’t be with someone so disrespectful. OP you sound like you want the best of both worlds but sometimes that’s not possible so you will have to make a choice.

From my reading of it, he is not meeting up with management that hounded her out of a job, just with some ex co-workers, one of which she doesn't like.

Maybe the meetups just bring back memories of that rough period in her life or whatever.

If that is the case, then it's just something she needs to get over.

Whispered

I was bullied out of a job. Two of my coworkers supported by management. I ended leaving because I just couldn't deal the tension and lies. Despite being caught twice lying about me, management still issued warnings based on other lies. It was stressful and very upsetting.

They sell their service via social media and sometimes pop up on my Facebook page. It genuinely causes me anxiety to think about them. Even now writing this post.

In that way I can understand that maybe your girlfriend isn't just being controlling. It could be causing her genuine stress to have to think about these people and that time in her life.

Saying that, it shouldn't mean you can't go. She's even said herself that you should go. I would suggest trying to speak to her without it being an argument. Ask her what she'd like you to do and how she'd like to deal with this irrational distress. Make it clear that you don't want to cut contact and it's something she will have to deal with but that you're happy to talk about it and help her get over it.

jk23

I can’t help but feel if the gender was reversed in this situation then people would be calling it domestic abuse and the man labelled as a control freak and posters telling the girl to run away now

I know there are some other factors involved here OP, best thing to do I say is talk to her about it again.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

From my reading of it, he is not meeting up with management that hounded her out of a job, just with some ex co-workers, one of which she doesn't like

The above is correct. I am not friends with our old managers - in fact they are horrible people and how they treated her in the last months of her time there was in large part the catalyst for me seeking new employment elsewhere.

The former coworkers though were nice people - my girlfriend and one of the lads there (a good friend of mine) just don't get along and never did, although he and I are good friends. Just different personality styles - she's prim and proper, while he's loud and boisterous. He can't keep his mouth shut, she takes things too personally and often misconstrues what he says as taking the piss out of people because he's a constant joker.

Both nice people, just too different to get along.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Xterminator

Hi Op

Im surprised you dont understand where she is coming from here. She is right -You don't get it.

She was made unhappy and treated badly by this group of people and she thinks you are disloyal by associating with them. Your relationship with her, should mean you are on her side.

that's not hard to comprehend?

In an ideal world she might be able to compartmentalise her feelings and understand that your hanging you with them doesn't = disloyalty, but we live in the real world, where it hurts her feelings. i think you are being dismissive of her concerns, rational or not. Without being privy to the details, she may be more justified or not, but that does not change her feelings. And i wonder why you are not taking her side?

I would suspect you are not that into her, and im a stranger, imagine what she thinks?

Teyla Emmagan

Xterminator wrote:

She was made unhappy and treated badly by this group of people and she thinks you are disloyal by associating with them. Your relationship with her, should mean you are on her side.

No, she had a personality clash with one of them and it doesn't suit her that the OP gets on with him still. These are not the people who treated her badly.

She needs to grow up and move on.

Dark Phoenix

It sounds like maybe this guy did more to her / cause more issues for her than you realise if she hates him that much. Have you sat down and talked to her about exactly what happened at the time and why she feels such anger towards him?

Xterminator

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

No, she had a personality clash with one of them and it doesn't suit her that the OP gets on with him still. These are not the people who treated her badly.

She needs to grow up and move on.

OPs original post

To compound things she wasn't treated particularly well by management when she was leaving that company (she made the mistake of believing them when they asked people to talk to them when they are thinking of getting a new job - management did their best to hound her out of the company - it wasn't a very nice place)

did you read the OPs full post?

osarusan

Xterminator wrote: »

OPs original post



did you read the OPs full post?

I don't get the impression that the people he meets up with are the same management figures that hounded her out of the job.

Just that they are a group of normal employees who worked for the same company, and one of whom she had previously clashed with.

Frustrated101

Frustrated101 wrote: »

This may seem like a minor thing but it plays into a combination of anxiety and OCD she has (which we manage most of the time, so it's fine) so when she gets like this it can lay waste to a whole week. She bit my head off all morning about it - never telling me not to go mind, just raging about it and the company and those people and the whole lot. I offered to cancel on them if it upset her so much (even though I was looking forward to it) and she told me I didn't get it and to forget about it.

Not good enough. She cant just say "you don't get it" and walk away, particularly if you're already spending time managing her OCD and anxiety issues.

Tell her "no I don't get it because you're not explaining it to me so stop treating me like **** and tell me what the problem is or let it go".

For what it's worth, her and your friends inability to be civil to each other smacks of a buried issue, do they have "a past"? Maybe she's afraid you'll find out about something if you continue to see these people.