Christmas and Boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi Guys

Id just like some advice from people on how best to handle this.

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now (both mid 30's) and Christmas is coming. I am from a family that get on great and really love Christmas. I love the lead up, the getting together socially, the hanging out with my family.

My boyfriend on the other hand is not a fan. He is from a broken family where his father was an abusive alcoholic so I can understand why he doesn't like it.

My family want him to come down on Stephens Day. So far in the relationship, I have not pressured him to meet my family (he met my folks briefly for lunch) as I know it would be weird for him - something he wouldn't be used to. But now I really want him to, he's a bit iffy.

I suppose I'm trying hard to be empathetic and not despondent to be with someone who isn't a fan of Christmas and is resistant to being integrated into my family.

How do I best handle this? I realise how difficult it would be for him but at the same time, I really want him to be part of the day.

Thanks :-)

Sunny Dayz

This is your first Christmas together as a couple, so there would be a certain amount of "this is what we usually do at Christmas" type of figuring out anyway. I would let him know that he is welcome over and that your parents have invited him over for dinner on St. Stephens' Day. Let him decide what he'd like to do.

LegacyUser

Unless you have had the chat, Christmas is irrelevant. Have you agreed you're staying together and moving forward? Would meeting family and spending more time with them be on the cards regardless of Christmas? Would that be a relationship step coming ahead of the relationship being in that place? You may have to answer those questions before you can consider Christmas or any similar occasions.

Emme

OP encourage him to come to your family for Stephen's Day. It would do him good to see a family happy and enjoying the Christmas season. He is probably nervous because of his own experience of Christmas with his family.

brevity

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

This is your first Christmas together as a couple, so there would be a certain amount of "this is what we usually do at Christmas" type of figuring out anyway. I would let him know that he is welcome over and that your parents have invited him over for dinner on St. Stephens' Day. Let him decide what he'd like to do.

This is the right approach imo.

Do ye live close to each other?

I'm thinking that you could drop him a quick text on At Stephen's Day asking if he wanted to change his mind that the offer is still available. He might be at a lose end or fancy meeting up.

witchgirl26

I think Sunny Dayz is right with this. I pushed a little too hard for my other half to come experience the mayhem of my family Christmas (well on Stephens Day) the first year and was really annoyed when he didn't but he just wasn't comfortable with it all as his family would be quite small compared to mine.

I think let him know the invitation is there and only push for a decision if food etc has to be planned in advance. If he's not comfortable with it, especially not knowing your family well having only met them briefly then you need to be ok with that. It can be really daunting. I know you want him to be integrated into your family but maybe try to do this gradually on a less intensive occasion than Christmas to start.

witchgirl26

Emme wrote: »

OP encourage him to come to your family for Stephen's Day. It would do him good to see a family happy and enjoying the Christmas season. He is probably nervous because of his own experience of Christmas with his family.

Honestly I think this is a really bad idea. If Christmas is related to bad memories he could almost see it as you rubbing his face in your family's perfectness at Christmas compared to his.

bertsmom

I would let him decide for himself what he would like to do. Personally I would very strongly dislike spending too much time with himselfs family over Xmas but that's just me. I'd also resent being pressured to be there.
Could ye compromise perhaps and he call in for a few hrs on one of the less 'important ' days of the holidays. That may be less full on and a way for him to kinda get used to your family's dynamic and feel more relaxed. Good luck either way and I hope ye enjoy the Christmas.

LegacyUser

The important thing to remember OP, is the resistance is not personal and does not reflect how he feels about you. I know it may be disappointing for you but I promise it will be more difficult for him. I would be the same boat as your boyfriend and I have never managed to shake all the negative feelings and anxiety that used to come at that time of year. Crying, rows, alcohol, walking on eggshells and having to be as quiet as mice to not wake up the auld lad when he was hungover for fear of his temper. Same goes for other big family events. My boyfriend had the opposite experience growing up and has a lovely family but has thankfully never pushed me to join in and has always been very understanding when I haven't always quite gotten into family mode. I'm always really thankful for that because truthfully I don't know how sometimes and it can be very overwhelming. Seeing how a happy family interacts has never made it come more naturally to me, just made it more obvious in my mind how foreign the whole thing is to me.. And I really like his family, I get on very well with them!

Could ye come to a compromise? . Maybe suggest this year that he come up for one or two hours so that he's not overwhelmed and then head off again. Or possibly suggest something before Xmas so he has a chance to get to know them better without all the pressure? Good luck OP

Xterminator

Hi Op

Please let him decide with as little pressure as possible. IE so that he doesn't feel like he gave in.

A good compromise might be why don't you come over for dinner, and stay an hour. depends on his travelling arrangements as to whether that's practical.

that way he doesn't get overwhelmed and can retreat if he needs to do so. and it might pave the way for next year too, if he does enjoy it more than he thinks he will.

bucketybuck

You are trying to push your new boyfriend into doing something that you know he doesn't want to do and that you know he associates with negative feelings. How do you think this ends?

And whats the reason you are trying to make your new boyfriend do something he really doesn't want to do? Because its Christmas. :rolleyes: The most commercial, vapid, soulless day of the year.

Give him a bit of space, he has told you he is not comfortable and I think you should respect that. There will be plenty of chances in the future for him to meet and greet your family, plenty of christmas days he can attend once he knows your family better and can feel more relaxed with them. Though there might not be if you act too pushy about this one.

Tigger99

I love Christmas, have great memories of it and still I'd be hugely reluctant to slot into a new partners happy Christmas. I'd feel like I was intruding, especially as I only met the parents briefly previously. You are putting a lot of pressure on this guy.

Msybe he prefers to pretend Christmas day/stephens day isn't happening and that's his right. If I was him I'd be quite resentful of you trying to push this.

LegacyUser

thanks for the all the advice :-)

I decided to go with what the majority of people said here and just take the pressure off. I told him last night what he wants to do is completely up to him, he can decide on the day and if he does come, he can just come for an hour or two, whatever suits him.

I love him very much and as a result I want to be with him at Christmas but more than that, my love for him means I want him to be happy and comfortable more than I want him to be with me.

Thank you all for the advice :-)

leggo

What I'll generally do with partners in the early days is have my own Christmas with them, on like the 22nd or 27th. It's more special and about 'us' than trying to awkwardly integrate. Plus I love Christmas and the point of it, to me, is doing the same thing over and over again: presents in the morning, visiting family, having a big **** off meal, then vegging on the couch watching movies for the night. It upsets me to think of that changing, and that's as someone who likes it!

If you're going out with him a year from now, then it'll seem silly not to do something. Maybe it's a little soon for this and a workaround would be best.

LegacyUser

An update on this, he came over to mine on St. Stephen's day. But there's an issue I don't quite understand. He said he hates Christmas and didn't want to spend Christmas day with me. While looking through his Facebook he had pictures of Christmas, pictures of his Christmas tree, his Christmas table, the house with lights. Certainly doesn't come across as someone who hates Christmas. Am I overreacting here or how best do I proceed?

Neyite

It seems fairly obvious then that he lied to get out of spending Christmas with your folks. Question is why.

Who did he spend Christmas with? Did you go home to your folks after all?

Jimbob1977

HowToHandleThis wrote: »

An update on this, he came over to mine on St. Stephen's day. But there's an issue I don't quite understand. He said he hates Christmas and didn't want to spend Christmas day with me. While looking through his Facebook he had pictures of Christmas, pictures of his Christmas tree, his Christmas table, the house with lights. Certainly doesn't come across as someone who hates Christmas. Am I overreacting here or how best do I proceed?

Maybe he dislikes Christmas when it's in a domestic/family setting (bad memories)..... but he is happy with Christmas on his own terms.

GingerLily

It's February - how is the relationship apart from the incident at Christmas? Do you always hold onto things?

woodchuck

HowToHandleThis wrote: »

An update on this, he came over to mine on St. Stephen's day. But there's an issue I don't quite understand. He said he hates Christmas and didn't want to spend Christmas day with me. While looking through his Facebook he had pictures of Christmas, pictures of his Christmas tree, his Christmas table, the house with lights. Certainly doesn't come across as someone who hates Christmas. Am I overreacting here or how best do I proceed?

Maybe he just likes photography... could be a good distraction from any family drama. I'm only speculating here though, none of us are mind readers!

It's February now though Maybe see how he feels about spending time together over Easter. How is your relationship otherwise?

Ursus Horribilis

There's more to this though, isn't there? It's a bit strange that you're coming back at the start of February about photos he (presumably) put up nearly a month and a half ago. He was happy to put them on his Facebook page, visible to you and to everyone. It's hard to know whether you're reading too much into this. Your post is asking more questions that it's answering. I'm not mad about Christmas myself but I tend to enter into the spirit of things anyway. Photography is one of my hobbies and my inner grinch goes into hiding when I see all those colourful lights...

Much more important than a few photos on Facebook is how your relationship is in general. How did your boyfriend behave when he came to visit your family on St. Stephen's Day? How have things been since? Have you been to visit your parents since and has he come with you? How do you think he feels about you? It's obvious you're big into him but are his feelings reciprocated. Those are the things to pay attention to.

You've also not answered the question of where he spent Christmas Day. It could be a case of him over-compensating for the day he was having. Or if he went somewhere other than his family, that he had a nice one. Do you even know where he was on the 25th or how the day went for him?

splinter65

Christmas seems to be a deal breaker for you because nearly 6 weeks later your still brooding on this.
OP it’s quite possible that like a lot of people he’s just not all that keen on family occasions.
There are any amount of legitimate reasons for this and to me photos of Christmas decos in his house mean absolutely nothing.
Christmas is a 4 day event including Christmas Eve/NYE.
Easter is coming, another 4 day family event.
He mightn’t “do” Easter either but will still scoff a couple of chocolate eggs.

njs030

I don't particularly like Christmas with my family and have stopped going but when I did go I would always have photos of the beautifully decorated tree and gorgeous dinner table because I thought they were really attractive and wanted to share them with people.
That doesn't mean i enjoyed being there though.

As others have said it's February now, it's a long time to be dwelling on things. Do you generally dwell on issues rather than deal with them or let them go?

Big Bag of Chips

You know Facebook isn't a reflection of the person, don't you. I know a couple who are "together for the kids", who barely speak to each other on a daily basis yet whose pages are overloaded with "family day out" photos and tagging each other as "feeling blessed" in photos of their children. I know a girl who's heart was broken when her boyfriend of 9 years cheated on her and told her he didn't love her anymore, who is so unsure of herself and so lacking in confidence since. Yet her page is full of pouting selfies and mad nights out.

It doesn't mean anything other than that's what they think people should be seeing.

Posting photos of Christmassy things at Christmas? Really?! That's a problem? How many other of your friends posted pictures of their trees etc? I really enjoy Christmas, yet Facebook saw not 1 photo of my house, my tree, my dinner, Santy having visited. So what does that say about me?!

I'm not sure if Christmas is actually the issue here. Are you happy with him?

njs030

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>

That's a good point!
I had the best Christmas ever with my favourite people and there isn't one photo on social media!
I was too busy enjoying myself to take photos
Always talking sense bboc!!

Are you unhappy op and looking for reasons for it?

Ursus Horribilis

Or maybe more to the point. Do you trust him?