Jealous of people in couples

LegacyUser

Not the biggest of problems but something that I would really like to get beyond because I'm aware that it kind of makes me an asshole.

I'm in my early thirties and just out of a relationship that went pear-shaped in a really heartbreaking way. So obviously I'm in that demographic where everyone is coupled up/engaged/married/pregnant and finding it hard generally, as many people probably do. It doesn't affect my day to day and I make the right sounds when another engagement or pregnancy is announced, but deep-down I'm slightly freaking out about being single at an age where these things really need to be coming together for me, if I want to have a family. Which I totally do.

Anyway. The biggest worry I have is that my younger sister, who has been single a good while now, has recently gotten into a relationship and where I should be feeling thrilled for her to finally have met someone nice, instead I'm finding myself filled with anxiety and worry that she'll move through all these milestones that I so badly want before me.

I'm aware of how awful that makes me sound and I'd never in the light of day utter the words aloud. I just really don't want these feelings to grow and I want to just be happy or at least with where I am, so I can be happy for the other important people in my life.

Has anyone been in the same position or have any words of advice?

Tokyo

I don't believe feeling like this makes you an asshole - I think it just makes you human.

As you said, your relationship ended in a particularly bad way, and the wound is still raw, so it's not surprising that reminders of how good relationships can be stirs up a certain amount of resentment. After all, if your sister can have a loving relationship, why can't you?

All that said, while we can's always control exactly what happens to us, how we manage it is the important factor and defines who we are as people. At the end of the day, it's not your sister's fault that your relationship went sour - she's entitled to a loving relationship just as you are - and while a certain amount of feeling sorry for oneself is healthy, unless you take steps to move on, it can quite quickly turn into wallowing in self pity.

You can't change what happened with your past relationship, nor can you expect your sister to put her life on hold in order to make you feel better. All you can control is whether you decide to move on, and how you mean to do so. If you want to be happy in your life, then make the steps to move on - get out, take part in activities, meet people, and maybe you'll find a relationship of your own that others will envy.

suicide_circus

You don't sound awful. You sound human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Bambi985

Stay strong OP. You're newly single and heartbroken, of course it's going to be hard to see all the happy lovey dovey couples around you, especially as Christmas approaches and the lovey-doveyness seems to ratch up a few notches.

Life comes in waves. This is just a particularly tough one for you. And life can change very quickly too. Think about where you were this time last year - probably happy out in your own relationship, while your sister was single. Now you've switched roles but it doesn't mean it's going to be the same forever. Next Christmas could be very different again.

The important thing is to focus on your own path and try to be kind to yourself. Breakups suck - I'm going through one myself at the moment so can completely relate. But the pain will subside and your life will move on and you'll meet someone new, as most of us inevitably do. I know it's hard, but try to make the most of being single - reconnect with your friends, get out there and pursue your hobbies, put your best foot forward and don't miss any opportunities. Smile through the feelings because they're not going to last xx

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I know Im maybe not awful for these feelings, but its just the thoughts of having to go home for christmas and be the spare wheel while everyone around me is loved up and my sister is spending all of her time with this new fella that fills me with dread. i know how selfish that is but i suppose i've been struggling with the fallout of this breakup the last few weeks and am a total emotional mess right now. i'm not sure how capable i am in my current state of doing all the social niceties that are expected of people in these situations - "oh he's lovely, congratulations" and going out with them when it's just little old me and all the rest of it.

It makes me feel like a bit of a failure to be honest, to be the age i am and instead of having a solid partner to move forward with in life, i'm single and not even sure of how to meet someone new when the time comes and i'm ready for it. About 90% if not more of everyone i meet these days is in a relationship and the thoughts of tinder fill me with absolute dread if i'm honest!!

Anyways, this too shall pass as they say.

Icepick

Developong an abundance mentality will help you with this and other things in life.