I won't be able to cope with being alone

LegacyUser

It's good to write this in the morning, because this is when it hits me hardest.

Basically, one day a couple of weeks ago, I woke up and realised that when my parents pass away, I will have basically no-one. I don't mean literally no-one, because I have a couple of older brothers and a few acquaintances, but they all have their own lives/families. I mean I won't again have an unconditionally kind face to come home to, or companionship to while away the evenings with. It feels like, when they're gone, my day will start alone and end alone, and the world will suddenly become a dark, cold place.

I'm in my early 30s, single, and still live with them, and still very close with both, especially my dad. He's turning 70 next week. My relationship with him was a little bit strained for a while, but since having this realisation, I've been trying to spend as much time with him as possible, and same with my mother. Even with no subject at hand, just trying to come up with idle small talk about anything, because when I think of how my future could be, any moments with them, hearing them speak, feel so much more precious.

That all quells my unease, momentarily, but any time I'm alone to think, my anxiety about all this comes roaring back. I'm shaking, my stomach's in knots, I can't sleep properly, I could go all day without eating. The few hours of sleep a night I get have been about the only relief I'm able to feel.

I now understand how that one bachelor uncle of mine, when my grandparents/his parents died, he crawled into a bottle and never came out. I think I'd do the same, or engage in some other kind of self-destructive behaviour. I don't think I'd last a year.

Faith

You're afraid of being alone, so your current strategy to deal with it seems to be avoiding being alone at all? You're tightening your grasp on the apron strings, so to speak, rather than letting go. Can you see how that might be an unhelpful approach?

The best way to deal with anxieties like this is through an exposure approach. Rather than spending more and more time with your parents, gradually start spending less time with them. I don't mean pull away or neglect them, but start setting times just for yourself. For instance, spend an hour away from them, then an evening, then a full day, then overnight, then a weekend... work up to moving out of home. Basically, you need to learn how to cope on your own - not because of your parents, but because of yourself. Meanwhile, googling "distress tolerance techniques" should yield some strategies for managing the distress you feel when you try to implement this approach (and may help you sleep).

But overall, I'd highly recommend speaking with a psychologist about CBT. They can help you work through what's causing you to feel such anxiety and why it seems to be such a problem now, while supporting you in resolving the issue. Rather than resigning yourself to a desperate fate, put the scaffolds and support in place now that you'll need when difficult times come. This might also allow you to expand your social circle so that you have more people in your life.

LynnGrace

Agree with PP, I would recommend seeking help in dealing with the anxiety.
Take care of yourself.

amtc

I'm an only child. I have no relatives in Ireland. My parents are 79 and 70. My best friend told me helpfully that she realised I had nobody to leave anything to in my will.

I live very near my parents but don't see them all that much. I'm quite self contained. Yes it does bother me that I don't have a huge family. I speak to my parents a couple of times a day. But what can I do about it?

You appear very anxious about something that might never happen. My nana is 91 and still going strong

Ursus Horribilis

The one thing that came across to me was that you don't have any particular plan to change things. It's as if you've decided that your future involves being single, having no friends or social outlets, and that once your parents go you'll be sitting alone in the evenings with nowhere to go. Is there any reason why you're not willing to change any of this?

banoffe2

Hi OP

I know a good few people in a similar situation as yourself and how patterns can repeat in families unless someone breaks the cycle.

They are taking care of elderly parents and put their own lives on hold, some parents refuse to have any outside help which is very unfair and makes the son of daughter living with them very tied down if they allow it to happen. It can become a very unhealthy, interdependent relationship where both are enabling each other. They can apportion some of the blame on the fact that they are doing their best for their parents and want to have no regrets, but at their own expense, which can be a huge cost to overall well being and mental health.

I heard two friends saying how when their parents were deceased, they had all the freedom, and didn't know what to do with it, despite telling me for years how tied down they were, and how they felt deprived of having any decent kind of social life.

The strange thing is when they got their freedom and space they didn't know how manage it and have made very little changes since, with the exception of going out with acquaintances for convenience and not enjoying the nights out, but going out for the sake of it with convenience friends, if you know what I mean. I think it is also an opportunity to reflect on our own lives and see if there is a healthy balance in it, it is good to have some things to look forward to.

Have you hobbies and interests for yourself outside of home and parents? Nothing lasts forever, and change is part of life, keep an open mind, life is full of possibilities if you are open to it. Make plans for yourself, no one else will do it for you! Remember you have choices every day, the easy option is rarely the best choice.

The very best of luck to you.

Xterminator

a lot of wise advice here OP.

opening up to someone may help deal with the feelings you are experiencing. I know all my family have their own lives, but if i reached out i know they would be there for me. It can be hard to reach out for help, but trying to bottle it up, and cope alone is almost never the smarter thing to do.

Making a plan, will help you move forward. Get more of a social life, make friends, and put yourself out there. Socialising is a skill. The more you exercise that skill the better you will become at it.

Sleather678

I think you are thinking too far ahead or you may be over thinking.

Im in the same boat as you but with one parent now who is sick. I just keep my head up and keep positive.

Counselling is another thing you should seek. I was the "who need counselling" type and it was a big no no. I tried it and glad I did with the amount of stuff that came out of me it was a huge helps.

Learn to be happy with yourself and be self reliant, i know it hard but do it. Keep positive and hopefully you get stronger.

HalloweenJack

I think you are far too dependent on your parents for company. You need to break away from that. You don't mention anything about a social life or other activities outside of the family. That'd be a place to start.

You say how when they're gone, you'll be alone. It's the same for everyone out there. At some point in our lives, our loved ones are going to die and we are going to be alone. It's better to prepare for that while you can still enjoy the company you are so reliant on because when it's gone, you'll get a big shock if you're not ready for it, which you seem to be aware of.

You need to focus on being alone and being ok with being alone. Find ways to occupy your time that interest only you so that your parents aren't involved. If possible, do them in a location away from your parents so you won't relate the two. The suggestion about taking time away every now and then was another good one. You need to do it to prepare yourself for the unpleasant eventuality when it comes.

Teyla Emmagan

Anyone who is close to their parents is terrified of them dying OP. It's totally natural. But, as has been said, you have no coping strategy. You have no plan for after they are gone. And they are not that old, and you still have plenty of time to have a family. But you need to start the necessary changes now. Most of all you need to speak to someone about your anxiety, it is off the scale. When you address it you may find everything else is suddenly very manageable. There is low cost counseling available, find someone and talk to them.