Boyfriend "unsure if we have a future" after 2 years together

law_lady

Hi, I want some advice. I'm 29 and have been with my boyfriend, 31, for 2 years and we live together and get on great. My problem is that he told me last night that he doesn't know where we are going or whether we have a future. He did however say that things are going really well so it definitely wasn't said as a precursor to a break up or anything like that.

I think he said this because we are at a stage where a lot of our friends are getting engaged/married, some of whom are together the same length of time as us, and so it's a concept that's looming large. He is in a tough career which is very unstable and hard to make a living from and he has said in the past that he wants to get that all sorted before he thinks about settling down. However, to be honest that may never happen due to the nature of the industry he's in so that's a scary prospect. But at the same time, I'm not in a crazy rush to get married and have never suggested that I am, it's more that I'd like to think at our age we should be at least able to say that we see a future together.

I suppose my question is, is this a normal way for him to think or am I right to worry and say he should be able to see a future for us after 2 years? I'm just really afraid of floating along for another few years only to find he has no intention of settling down, leaving me in my thirties, single and in danger of being unable to have a family. I suppose it has just unnerved me because if he asked me, I'd say without hesitation that I see a future. It hurts that he can't say the same.

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

listermint

Where did the conversation stem from.

Secondly do you suspect there is someone else.

law_lady

Hi, no I really don't think there is anyone else. I have always felt that we trust each other completely and I believe that he's a good person who wouldn't cheat. 

Literally the conversation came out of nowhere, we were joking about how relaxed you get when you live together (farting, tbh!!!) and next thing he comes out with a load of "who knows what could happen, I don't know where we'll all end up" sort of stuff. It's not like I had sat him down and asked him for a ring, we were literally just getting ready for bed and chatting away as usual when it came up.

jdh1987

law_lady wrote: »

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Id have a good chat with him about it. Chances are you could both be in different head spaces. My gf says it to me loads after 7 year but we would be lost with out each other.
Communicate with him and solve your worry that way.

GingerLily

Do you actually love each other? You don't talk much about that in your post.

Do you ever discuss your future, buying a house, having kids, travelling etc. What are his answers?

It's sounds like your housemates rather then partners - if that makes sense.

What exactly do you want?

law_lady

We absolutely love each other, and tell each other so many times every day. 

We talk about the short term future, the possibility of maybe living abroad for a year in the next year or so has come up. I am more keen to save for a flat (we live in London, a house is never happening) than he is, but we are both saving (independently). We have talked about where we will settle and agreed that it will be in London and I am not going to one day spring it on him that I want to move back to Ireland. I am in a much more stable, better paid career which may be why I think ahead more, as I have that aspect of my life in hand. His career is very volatile and he ends up working all the hours for little or no money just to try to establish himself. 

We have talked about kids and we both want to get married and have kids in the long-term, but as I learned last night, he doesn't feel he can promise that those things will happen to us together as a couple. I just want to know that I'm not fooling myself and that he won't turn around one day and break my heart when I wanted him to be the father of my kids. I know I need to talk to him about it but it's difficult to bring it up without making it sound like an ultimatum, which is unfair and could push him away. I suppose I want to know whether other people in happy relationships felt very sure about the relationship at the 2 year mark, or whether it's normal to be unsure.

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ahnow

I would echo what another poster said on here that this man has an issue with commitment, and the excuses about an unstable career are just that...excuses. This whole thing of being unsure is bull****, everyone is unsure but when you're in a relationship and making a go of things to make that jump is a choice, despite being unsure or not, it's a leap of faith you both take.
I think it's quite an awful situation he has put you in, saying this to you. It sounds like he is happy to coast along now because it suits him, but if he actually wanted to commit to you he wouldn't say something like "I'm not sure if I see a future together". What kind of a thing is that to say to your partner of two years that you live with?!
It will be hard, but I think you should speak to him sooner than later, but if it were me-and I've been through this myself and took me a long time to be able to walk away, save yourself the time wasting and really evaluate what is going on in the relationship. Hopefully if you speak to him again things will become more clear, but if he remains wishy washy my advice unfortunately is to save yourself and walk away.

LegacyUser

Its a big generalisation to make but I find guys are not really willing or able to discuss commitment until their career/finances are in order. I had a similar problem to you, I was with an ex for two years and was wondering where my future lies. I didn't want commitment right there and then but I wanted to know it was in the future and he saw us going in that direction. He wasn't able to say that and the advice I got from others and from him is that men need some sort of career stability before considering more commitment. It was the case in my experience and he said so himself.

However although I recognised and sympathised with this, I knew my needs were important, and I needed some sort of commitment or at least ability to plan together regardless of the circumstances. I needed to know my guy, even if money is a problem or life isn't neatly tied up, is able to see me in his future, so we broke up and I realised after that I did the right thing for me - I want to find someone who can commit regardless the circumstances, as life is just not going to be easy at times and will be unstable, and I need a partner that can see himself sticking with me in those times as well as when it's good. You can wait, if you think it's just a case of fear based on circumstances but deep down I didn't feel my guy was in it for the long haul. Basically, you need to have some uncomfortable conversations and see what's at the base of his beliefs and whether you can work something out.

magneticimpulse

This is his get out of jail ticket. He is telling you there is no future for the two of you. Later down the line when he has met someone he does see a future with, he will leave you and remind you that you two never had a future together. People who like each other would never say such a thing. Id leave as he is just coasting you along and wasting your time.

_Whimsical_

I'm afraid I agree with the above post. He had raised the red flag and laid his cards on the table, hes telling you not to rely on him to be your forever or part of your future family. He's relieved himself of the responsibility of your reasonable expectation that he really wants to end up with you. I think you might be best to walk away because right now you're waiting out his whim, letting him see how things go and if a better offer comes along. You deserve better!

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to have a very honest talk with him. Maybe this is something he just worded very very badly, or maybe he just sees you as a time filler.

silverharp

he is being fair enough, from his position if his employment fluctuates then the prospect of having to support a family and take on debt would look daunting. all you can do is talk

woodchuck

OP I think you need to have a serious chat with him. Maybe they were just throwaway comments along the lines of who knows what the future holds. Maybe he can't envisage settling down while his career is so up in the air. Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he genuinely doesn't see a long-term future with you. You're never going to know what he's thinking unless you talk to him though.

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silverharp

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difficult to comment when we don't know exactly what he does but most people fall into reliable enough trades or professions with some prospect of progression. He could be anything from a guitarist in a country and western band to a tourist guide.

_Whimsical_

I wouldn't personally buy the career line. I imagine if he's so committed to his career that he'd sacrifice marriage and kids with the love of his life you'd have known that about him before now. Personally, I've never met that person whose said "I was so heartbreakingly in love, I wanted to be with her/him forever, but I ended it because I've chosen a financially unstable career".

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Yellow pack crisps

Stop putting all the focus on what he wants and start asking yourself what you want.

lazybones32

You've missed the woods because of the trees...
He said he wants to marry, have a family and settle but wants to get established in business so he can provide for those things. Men still want to provide for their loved ones. It seems uncertain at the mo because work is uncertain for him; not because he doesn't want to commit. Work is massively important to many men; for self worth and the desire to provide.

This is a simple misunderstanding and not a major fault-line that's going to give way.

kylith

There are two ways you can go about this, OP.

The first is to sit him down and tell him that as no job is ever 100% safe, and no future is ever 100% secure, that you need him to think about whether a life with you is important enough to take a risk on.

The second is to sit him down and tell him that you're in your 30s and you don't have the time to waste pissing about while he waits for some magical 'security' that will never come. He either sees a future with you or he doesn't. It's time to crap or get off the pot.

As I said, no job or future is secure. He could land a job paying a million quid a week tomorrow, and then get run over by a bus on Monday. If you spend your life wondering 'what if' you'll never do anything.