Is 28 too late to get over my chronic shyness and develop a social life?

LegacyUser

I'm a 28-year-old guy who has spent much of his life avoiding people and social situations due to shyness. I want to become more sociable, really badly, but I'm held back by this constant gnawing feeling that I've already missed the boat, the ship has sailed, and becoming sociable at my age is worthless.

My shyness is so bad that I chose a career away from daily interaction with people just so I would be able to avoid the awkwardness of it all.

My whole existence is characterized by avoidance:

I avoided my own leaving party in my first paid internship during college because I didn't want the focus to be on me.
I avoided attending college parties and I only got to know three new people during 4 years of studying in UCD, one of Ireland's most social universities.
I went to Australia on a working holiday and returned home within 5 months because I didn't like how I kept avoiding the really sociable backpacker environments.

I am definitely quite heavily introverted, but not to the extent that I should be living life like this, closed off and hiding from the world. The only people I have in my life are my parents, my girlfriend, and two friends who I'd see maybe once or twice a month.

The reason I feel too old is that at my age, 90 percent of people have already established a social circle. Hell, many people are married with kids now.

I feel like I've already missed all the perks that come with not being shy, such as partying every weekend with big groups of people, participating in sports teams, and all those other sociable things people do when they are in their teens and early 20s. I've only ever been to like maybe 25 "gaf parties" in my entire life. Most people in their early 20s probably went through that amount in a whole year.

So I'm wondering is it too late for me to overcome shyness considering this isn't a problem for 99 percent of people at my age? And how do I do it?

Thanks for any advice.

eet fuk

No, it’s absolutely not too late.

You can be 78 and still turn things around if you choose to. You have a girlfriend and 2 close mates, that’s already more than plenty of other people. Join some clubs or go to a meetup on and just be open with others if you wanna meet new people. You will surprise yourself by how social you can be, but don’t be put off if it doesn’t go perfectly and you don’t have 10 new best friends straight away. It’s about doing new things and seeing what happens.

Your time is now, there’s no reason why your life experience has to peak in your 20’s - make the next ten years count and then do it all over again

zoobizoo

No, not too late

I did.

I'll come back and tell you how later. Bit busy now

King George VI

No it isn't. I know a lad that had crippling shyness and social anxiety years ago. It was pretty damn bad. He's over 30 as far as I know. He wouldn't talk to people and would shy away from conversations and would leave parties early because he was just sitting there not doing anything. Just could not deal with people.

He got over it by forcing himself outside of his comfort zone and making the effort to talk to people he'd never met or barely knew.
Couple of years later now and whenever I see him we have very good chats, he goes out and does activities that he wouldn't before, he found a partner who he is very happy with.... and he does it all without drinking a drop of booze, so in effect he's even better at socializing than me or many many people I know. It all worked out rosie for him and it can for you too OP.

It's never too late to enter a social circle or make new friends, you just gotta get out there and make it happen.

Best of luck

Scarinae

Toolatetochange wrote: »

I feel like I've already missed all the perks that come with not being shy, such as partying every weekend with big groups of people, participating in sports teams, and all those other sociable things people do when they are in their teens and early 20s.

This bit stuck out to me in particular... You don't have to do any of those things to be sociable. I am not into team sports and the idea of partying with a huge crowd of people is my idea of hell. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert and enjoying things that you're actually interested in with a smaller group of people. If you do find yourself in a large group such as a party and are overwhelmed, find one or two friendly people to talk to as that's a lot less intimidating than speaking to a huge group.

I'd really recommend the book 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' by Susan Cain, it shows that we don't all have to be extroverts and that there's room for introverts in this world as well.

zoobizoo

Toolatetochange wrote: »

I feel like I've already missed all the perks that come with not being shy, such as partying every weekend with big groups of people, participating in sports teams, and all those other sociable things people do when they are in their teens and early 20s.

considering this isn't a problem for 99 percent of people at my age? And how do I do it?
.

Considering the amount of people on boards discussing similar issues, and having lived a bit, it's more likely to be about 20/30% who are shy, 5% with ultra confidence (if not less), and the rest are sometimes shy, sometimes confident situation dependent.

I used to want to hang around with big groups - seemed like something to aspire to. Then I found a big group and years later, I'm in touch with those who I got on best with which is a small group. Why... because they were more interesting, more me

I challenge your thinking that big groups are the norm. It's mainly small groups of 3/4/5 people that head out together on a Friday or Saturday night. If you and your two pals went out, that'd be normal. If you and one of your pals headed out, that'd be normal.

Dealing with your shyness:
HAve a read of the Feeling Good Handbook which will help you challenge your thinking. Great book with exercises to do.


How did I get over my shyness:
I went travelling on my own.
Arrived at a foreign airport and my knees nearly buckled beneath me
Spent a week in an apartment on my own... walking around.. eating on my own... reading....
I developed a strategy... and brought my book to the pub. NErvous yes
The next day I sat at the bar with my book and chatted to the barman and some people sitting at the bar... "that wasn't so bad"
Then I started talking to more people... I learned - that's not as hard as I thought it would be

The more people I spoke with the more I realised that some were easy to talk to, some were hard to talk to, some were interesting and interested and others weren't...

Rather than wanting to just befriend anyone, I wanted to befriend people I liked, who were interesting etc

I became a bit more interesting too.

When I got home I started my own business where I was meeting and greeting 200 people a night.. I was so nervous at the start but that's where challenging yourself comes into it.

I learned - that's not as hard as I thought it would be.

The key was not worrying so much about making a mistake in front of others or saying the wrong thing.

Challenge yourself - have fun with it....

tomwaterford

Toolatetochange wrote: »

I

This may not help yous,but with 2 close friend and seeing them only twice a month....is alot better than my social life

Once ever been to a gaff party and left after half an hour,just couldn't cope with it

Never went to college,so can't comment it if I'm honest....done bits and bobs of travelling (hopefully more next year)....did only ok...took alot out of me to be social aswel,and some places I stayed just didn't and forced myself to be better next place etc (also choose quieter time to visit places as continous busy would wreak my head)



One thing I did do was delete my Facebook and massively force myself to never look at snapchat stories/even use it as weekend as I used just plain feel like crap for having no social life etc...and now do pasttimes alot on my own,sometimes meet family/cousins for lunch before they head out etc



But I think if your as heavily introverted as yous appear,a busy social life will burn you out and is it something you really want?

by8auj6csd3ioq

No it isn't

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. The reason I experience such inertia in changing my social life is that I've done so many things that are specifically geared towards helping people become more sociable, yet I'm still alone and lonely.

I went on my own to Australia: I made a friend over there but I was mostly alone because the backpacker environment was almost too social, with huge groups of people sitting around at dinner tables eating together etc. I left after only two months in the country, which is pathetic seeing as many Irish stay there for 2 years.

I traveled to Asia alone. And yes, I connected with some new people along the way, but I spent most of that alone too (probably 90 percent of the time I was alone).

I attended Meetup events, specifically during 2014. Yes, I made some friends temporarily, but they all faded away as life got in the way with me spending lots of time abroad.

Writing all this out, it doesn't make me sound as unsociable as I first conveyed or as hopeless. I guess I just criticize myself a lot because of how I am now. At least with the Australia and Meetup things, I was trying to put myself out there. For the last 2 years, I've retreated further into my shell than ever before.

zoobizoo

I backpacked around Europe on my own and I think it was far easier than either Australia or the Far East.

The reason being, in Europe I met Austrialians, AMericans and Canadians mainly and I was a bit of a novelty to them - there weren't many Irish or Europeans doing it.

I was also staying in smaller hostels with more of a chance to bump into people... oh, and it was 20 years ago so people weren't stuck in their phones (I noticed that last year stating in a hostel in Portugal).


Those massive Australian hostels would have been difficult for me had I not been with a couple of English lads I was travelling with.

And I encountered massive groups of Israelis while in India - not normally the friendliest but intimidating in terms of their size.



But it's a transitory life style - you meet people, you are going one way, they another. You get on so well with some but it's a few days hanging out.

I think this is where you may have missed a trick, presuming that people don't want to hang out with you. I used to think I was imposing but I just started saying "is it cool if I hang out with you guys for the day? Is it cool if I tag along?" And it always was.... Saying hello or just asking "where have you come in from?" started a conversation. Stop presuming that people won't want to talk to you (if that's what you do)


The only places I made lasting friendships were when I was in a place for a long time / a couple of months doing an activity (we all attended the same yoga classes). I made some great friends... but you know what, we are not in touch anymore because life develops and moves on. I message them on FB every so often but it's me who initiates the chats. The last messages I sent weren't replied to. But that's life. I think I live a bit too much in the past.


You did really well with the Meet Up thing - I'd go back to that if I was you ...... or actually join a proper club where there's an activity that would have you engaging more often with members on a more regular basis (Tennis, Sport, surf.......whatever). Get to know a couple of people and see how it goes.

And remember, there are very few very people out there who are comfortable walking into a room full of strangers

wylo

OP, Id recommend a therapist/counceller (they are not just reserved for super depressed or mentally ill people)

It could do wonders, talking through the entire thing. There could be anything going on here, like perhaps its more about what you are telling yourself about the whole situation which is getting you down rather than the actual situation.

If anything I get from your post that you are a super introvert, but rather than embracing it to an extent you are making it worse by being terrible to yourself. Stuff like going travelling and going home cause you didnt like it. What if you were proud of the fact that you're not into that scene, maybe you're a one to one guy.

Im not saying Im right about any of the above, but I do think that you may have beliefs about how life should go and whats REALLY making you unhappy isnt your introvertness but actually your expectations of yourself.

This is where a therapist could help.

Sometimes embracing those things makes you ironically more social because you have sort of found peace with it.

LegacyUser

Honestly, I just can't accept myself as an introvert because it doesn't seem natural to me. Extroversion is where the fun happens in life. Extroverts always seem happy and carefree, which is exactly how I feel when I take the one chemical that makes me more outgoing, which is, of course, alcohol.

Alcohol is almost entirely responsible for the majority of my most outgoing times and interactions with other people. Perhaps I'm a closet extrovert whose introversion is influenced by being shy. I dunno. I feel at my age anyway people are mostly settled down and wont be into doing outgoing things so even if I lose shyness I'll have nobody to hang out with.

eet fuk

Toolatetochange wrote: »

Honestly, I just can't accept myself as an introvert because it doesn't seem natural to me. Extroversion is where the fun happens in life. Extroverts always seem happy and carefree, which is exactly how I feel when I take the one chemical that makes me more outgoing, which is, of course, alcohol.

Alcohol is almost entirely responsible for the majority of my most outgoing times and interactions with other people. Perhaps I'm a closet extrovert whose introversion is influenced by being shy. I dunno. I feel at my age anyway people are mostly settled down and wont be into doing outgoing things so even if I lose shyness I'll have nobody to hang out with.

I’m 30 next week and I’m in the same boat regarding the intro/extroversion stuff - you likely sit somewhere in the middle like most people, try not to dwell on the labels too much.
I still actively look for people to hang out with and I’m in no hurry to settle down. You certainly aren’t the only one, trust me!

zoobizoo

Toolatetochange wrote: »

Honestly, I just can't accept myself as an introvert because it doesn't seem natural to me.

Extroversion is where the fun happens in life. Extroverts always seem happy and carefree.....

I feel at my age anyway people are mostly settled down and wont be into doing outgoing things so even if I lose shyness I'll have nobody to hang out with.

People bandy those introvert / extrovert labels about - I don't know why.

You're shy... but you feel that when you're out of your shyness (after a few drinks), that you're the real you... is that correct?

Alcohol brings you into a zone where you feel you belong.

So how will you deal with your shyness? Did you read any of my previous post? HAve a read.


When I became a bit more interesting, a less concerned about what others thought of me, I allowed the "real me" out more... people wouldn't have known I was shy or had been throughout my 20s... I had social phobia until I hit 24.....


I made more friends in my early 30s than I did in my 20s... I joined a club and put myself out there because my other friends were married, hooked up or pretty boring. Made a load of friends, had things to do at weekends, hooked up with too many members and am now married to one of them.

Fun appears to be happening to other people in your life. You don't know that those "extroverts" aren't just regular people who are in the same boat as you / have had a drink or two / have decided to say "f*ck it" or getting pissed to forget about how sh!t there day has been....


I'll recommend it again - The Feeling Good handbook. Buy it and do the exercises.

wylo

Toolatetochange wrote: »

Honestly, I just can't accept myself as an introvert because it doesn't seem natural to me. Extroversion is where the fun happens in life. Extroverts always seem happy and carefree, which is exactly how I feel when I take the one chemical that makes me more outgoing, which is, of course, alcohol.

Alcohol is almost entirely responsible for the majority of my most outgoing times and interactions with other people. Perhaps I'm a closet extrovert whose introversion is influenced by being shy. I dunno. I feel at my age anyway people are mostly settled down and wont be into doing outgoing things so even if I lose shyness I'll have nobody to hang out with.

To be honest man, whatever’s going on , I would really recommend you talk to a professional. The very purpose of them is to dispel the belief that it’s too late to change.

Change what exactly? You’ll only find out by talking to them. You seem to have social anxiety issues and other beliefs going on in your head that get dampened or dispelled when drunk. You should look up CBT just to get you going. It’s not a cure but it will allow you to at least start contemplating what it is your telling yourself.

I don’t think there’s such thing as a shy extrovert because it’s a contradiction,but there is such thing as a nice decent social guy who is too shy for his own good.

It’s even possible you’re so shy you think that being a normal social person is actually an extrovert.

I’m normal and social but I find extroverts tiring sometimes

You can change to someone happy in yourself, drunk or sober, shy sometimes , not shy other times , introverted , extroverted , whatever . But you gotta look out for help. You only live once. You’re getting too old to be still thinking the way you are and not bothering to act on it.

I’ve had similar issues, not exactly the same, but the same lack of belief about being able to change at an older age if you wanna ever give me a shout. I couldn’t advise like a pro admittedly. I decided to visit a therapist at 31 and over a long period of time it has now been life changing.

I know the feeling of what it’s like to not be able to do things that come naturally to the vast majority of the population.

You really gotta start watching your thoughts to begin to discover what’s going on. Start meditating too by the way. That quietens things and lets you see what’s going on.

dartboardio

I feel very similar to you. I'm 19 and have noticed myself getting more shy as the years go by. Not even shy, just awkward and I feel like I've lost my personality.

As a young teen I was the typical class clown, really loud, would talk to anyone, could easily crack a joke, wouldn't think twice about seeing anyone on the street and saying hello... In the last two years its dwindled, started with not wanting to go into the shop to buy something as it felt awkward, I won't really talk on the phone if planned, If I spotted someone I know and like in town from far away I'd get scared and go out of my way to avoid them, even though had I bumped into them straight away I'd be okay chatting away, its just the lead up to it


I don't know why its happened but its so annoying, and I hope I can turn it around. I find myself envious of people who can just talk without thinking, chat to strangers at the bus stop without expecting or worrying about the actions ahead.

Or how I form beginning of friendships but for me its nearly impossible to go past the point of 'formal' and asking casual questions, I would find it very difficult to form a best friendship where we can laugh our heads off, say whatever comes to mind. I genuinely feel like its taken away my personality!


I completely understand what you mean by alcohol being the only means of letting out. I sometimes feel the only time I genuinely show my true self is when drunk, happy, funny, chatty, friendly. When I'm a big ball of anxiousness I come across as miserable.

BrokenArrows

OP from reading your post i get the impression that you are more socially awkward in your head then you actually are in reality.

You managed to have a girlfriend.
You have friends but don't see them that often.
You had a job where they wanted to throw you a going away party.

These things don't usually happen to people who are hopelessly introverted.

You already have a solid basis for improving your introverted nature.

Force yourself to do things with your girlfriend and friends which requires communication. Something like http://adventurerooms.ie/ would be ideal day out. It requires communication and its lots of fun. Try it with your two friends and girlfriend. Then maybe in groups with one or two new people that your girlfriend or friends can invite.

Ask your girlfriend to invite some of her friends around for dinner some evening so you can get to know them. This will require you to talk to strangers.

It will probably suck for you but the only way to be more socialable is to actually socialise.

zoobizoo

dartboardio wrote: »

I feel very similar to you. I'm 19 and have noticed myself getting more shy as the years go by. Not even shy, just awkward and I feel like I've lost my personality.

Hey, I was like that at your age.

I'd advise to confront this head on now and you'll be thankful that you did.

HAve a read of The Feeling Good Handbook and maybe look for a good CBT practitioner.

LegacyUser

Toolatetochange wrote: »

The reason I feel too old is that at my age, 90 percent of people have already established a social circle. Hell, many people are married with kids now.

I feel like I've already missed all the perks that come with not being shy, such as partying every weekend with big groups of people, participating in sports teams, and all those other sociable things people do when they are in their teens and early 20s. I've only ever been to like maybe 25 "gaf parties" in my entire life. Most people in their early 20s probably went through that amount in a whole year.

You really, really have an uninformed view of what people of your age are up to, or people of any age for that matter. Whatever change you feel you need to make, by all means do, but one of the first changes you should make is to stop judging yourself against false impression you have of other people social success. Pictures on social media and a few house parties where some people will have the craic and some people will be lonely doesn't make a social life. If you have a girlfriend, colleagues who were throwing you a party and the means to travel to Australia for a few months, you're doing better than quite a few people at your age.

HandsomeBob

Toolatetochange wrote: »

Honestly, I just can't accept myself as an introvert because it doesn't seem natural to me. Extroversion is where the fun happens in life. Extroverts always seem happy and carefree, which is exactly how I feel when I take the one chemical that makes me more outgoing, which is, of course, alcohol.

Alcohol is almost entirely responsible for the majority of my most outgoing times and interactions with other people. Perhaps I'm a closet extrovert whose introversion is influenced by being shy. I dunno. I feel at my age anyway people are mostly settled down and wont be into doing outgoing things so even if I lose shyness I'll have nobody to hang out with.

People aren't always what they seem. Some of those who are care free are that way because it's the only way they know how to cope. These people are good in some situations; not so much in others.

Which goes for all of us as we all have strengths and weaknesses. I can't give you advice on how to be more sociable but I would say that you should be proud of yourself as from the sounds of things, you have your sh1t together far more than a lot of people your age and older.

LegacyUser

Guessed wrote: »

You really, really have an uninformed view of what people of your age are up to, or people of any age for that matter. Whatever change you feel you need to make, by all means do, but one of the first changes you should make is to stop judging yourself against false impression you have of other people social success. Pictures on social media and a few house parties where some people will have the craic and some people will be lonely doesn't make a social life. If you have a girlfriend, colleagues who were throwing you a party and the means to travel to Australia for a few months, you're doing better than quite a few people at your age.

Hey,

OP here again. Thanks for your reply. I think you are right about my perceptions being all wrong, but I find it difficult to convince myself of that.

In my mind, very few 27-year-olds live at home with their parents when they aren't traveling (I do contribute rent and bills but I still shouldn't be here since most other people are long gone from home at my age).

With the Australia thing, yeah I did it but it didn't work out for me whereas for most Irish people, they spend 12-24 months there at minimum and have the time of their lives.

I actually went to see a therapist since I originally posted this. It's only been one session but he said I have a lot going for me and that I'm by no means at the bottom of the ladder in terms of potential to build a social life.

He says he's seen people come to him for social anxiety treatment who have zero interests at all in addition to being shy, whereas I am a really interesting person (apparently) with a superb platform to build a social life once I can overcome that initial shyness that has hampered me for years.

I wish I could believe him. But I still can't get past the regret of missing out on a lot. He says I'm *this* close to having a great social life with lots of friends. I guess I am just really harsh on myself.

zoobizoo

Toolatetochange wrote: »

Hey,

In my mind, very few 27-year-olds live at home with their parents when they aren't traveling ( I still shouldn't be here since most other people are long gone from home at my age).

With the Australia ........most Irish people, they spend 12-24 months there at minimum and have the time of their lives.

I actually went to see a therapist since I originally posted this. It's only been one session but he said I have a lot going for me and that I'm by no means at the bottom of the ladder in terms of potential to build a social life.

He says ....... I am a really interesting personwith a superb platform to build a social life ........

He says I'm *this* close to having a great social life with lots of friends. .

1) I know many people who lived with their folks into their late 20s. I know plenty of people who moved out in their early 20s....

2) I know many people who have travelled and loved it - I know others who returned home within months - just wasn't for them.



3) What type of therapist are you going to see?
I ask because it sounds like you / they are focused on a "great social life" rather than possibly building confidence.... and appreciating being yourself which will in turn create confidence.

It just sounds odd to me that they're telling you that you'll have "loads of friends" ..... Almost as if a social life and loads of friends will be the answer.


I had a quiet 20s, a crazy 30s and am now back to having a quiet 40s....... you'll work out for yourself the balance of quality and quantity when it comes to friendships and socialising.

But I would advise not to put "popularity" and "amount of friends" and number of parties as measures of happiness.

Sunny Dayz

I think a lot of people know how you feel.
But people bear in mind that life isn't so rosey for everyone else. You might think everyone else has it right and you are doing things wrong but trust us you are not.


To answer your question in the post title - no it's never too late.
I hadn't a huge amount of friends in my teens but a close group nonetheless. Made a few more friends in college and pushed myself to chat to people more. But as the years passed by after college I didn't maintain friendships I had made and found it increasing difficult to speak to other people outside my immediate family and closest friends. However since I entered by 30's I have started to push myself forward a bit again. I still find it difficult but I find that when I see the same people regularly outside of work that I'm building up acquaintances with them. I have made conscious efforts and have found myself being rewarded and this has boosted my confidence.


You don't mention anything in your posts about having interests or hobbies. I decided a few years to do a bit of running, couch to 5k, that kind of thing. I'm as slow as a snail going through peanut butter but it's something to talk to people about and I see the same faces at my local parkrun and the c25k group. Even going for a cup of coffee and a chat after parkrun makes a difference to me.

LegacyUser

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

You don't mention anything in your posts about having interests or hobbies. I decided a few years to do a bit of running, couch to 5k, that kind of thing. I'm as slow as a snail going through peanut butter but it's something to talk to people about and I see the same faces at my local parkrun and the c25k group. Even going for a cup of coffee and a chat after parkrun makes a difference to me.

Hi,

I have plenty of interests. My issue is low self-esteem which influences my shyness and thus I don't share my interests with people.

I love to travel, cook, read, write. I'm interested in philosophy and contemplating the answers to some of life's big questions (read up a lot on Taoism, Zen Buddhism etc.). I also enjoy walking, football, hiking, playing guitar. There are interests there, if only I had the self-confidence to explore them with other people. Instead, I keep them all to myself really and thus don't have a social life.

eet fuk

well your interests are certainly geared towards meeting people. I know this because we like the same things.

Why not get involved in a game of 5-a-side or even join a football team? You don’t really have to talk to anyone that much if you’re not comfortable so it’s not like you’d be on the spot.

You could try to jam with people and maybe start a band if it goes well. There are studios you can book to rehearse in for a couple of hours. That can be a laugh

Meetups do plenty of hiking activities - again you can show up without having to talk too much if you don’t want to and you can just enjoy being out and about with others.

There’s no magic formula to it; no need to overdo either. If I met you on a hike I’d be interested in hearing about taoism and philosophy so you at least have some decent conversation material beyond inane chatter about the weather!

joombo

it's never too late. It is all about EXPERIENCE
Enforce yourself to meet with new people around, especially if you are at college. Just do it! Maybe you will think that it is something anormal. But then you will realize that everyone is just like you, and did the same way you do that time.