How do I stop comparing myself with other people so much?

LegacyUser

I spend most of my existence in a bitterly unhappy and anxious state due to comparing myself all the time with other people. And I'm looking for help or advice with it.

I'll list some of the most obvious examples I can think of:

I am 27, and I have this idea in my mind that most guys my age have had lots of sex with many different women. I've only ever been with two women. I therefore compare myself with this hypothetical guy my age and feel sexually inferior.

I have solo travelled a lot, exploring different parts of the world. However, I am heavily introverted, meaning I don't spend entire trips abroad making lots of friends. In fact, 95 percent of my time is spent alone. I thus compare my own method of travelling with those more extroverted types who end up making lots of connections, and I feel like my travel has been a waste of time. I see people in big groups and I compare myself with them: "why am I so different?" I ask.

I made the decision to become a freelance writer after four years of college and a year working in a field completely unrelated to writing. I look on social media at former colleagues out partying together, and I feel unhappy with my chosen path because they are all having fun and lots of social connections while I write alone on my computer. I like writing, but my enjoyment is ruined when I compare and feel like it's the wrong choice.

I have never had any big groups of friends, well not since I was like 12. I always see big groups of people on social media on nights out having fun. I compare myself and think, they all look so happy while I'm here only able to count my friends on one hand (with room to spare).

I am 27 and still live at home with my parents when I'm not traveling (I pay rent of course). Most people moved out of their home during college. Why am I not normal like them?

Can anyone please offer advice on how to stop such comparisons? Maybe they are healthy, but I dunno. I'm never ever content in life. I live in abroad for six months every year and get to eat amazing incredible food and see great things. Many people would find this enviable. Yet I'm miserable. All I think about is how everyone else's life appears to be so much more socially fulfilling and exciting than mine.

witchgirl26

OP I'm going to go through your post piece by piece.

comparing2much wrote: »

I am 27, and I have this idea in my mind that most guys my age have had lots of sex with many different women. I've only ever been with two women. I therefore compare myself with this hypothetical guy my age and feel sexually inferior.

The more people you sleep with doesn't make you better at it necessarily. It just means you've slept with more people. I wouldn't see that really as something to be worried about. You could be better in bed than any other guy your age but just not had the level of experience as them.

comparing2much wrote: »

I have solo travelled a lot, exploring different parts of the world. However, I am heavily introverted, meaning I don't spend entire trips abroad making lots of friends. In fact, 95 percent of my time is spent alone. I thus compare my own method of travelling with those more extroverted types who end up making lots of connections, and I feel like my travel has been a waste of time. I see people in big groups and I compare myself with them: "why am I so different?" I ask.

OP did you enjoy your travels? Taking the group thing and connections out of the equation. Did you enjoy seeing those places? Was it exciting for you to plan those trips and see them come through? Then don't let the fact that you didn't make a lot of connections on it take from that. If you've seen the places you wanted to see then it's not a waste of time at all. And you didn't have to cater to a large group who may not have wanted to do the same things. In fact, I think people admire solo travellers more as it takes a bit more to do that then to just fall in with a group.

comparing2much wrote: »

I made the decision to become a freelance writer after four years of college and a year working in a field completely unrelated to writing. I look on social media at former colleagues out partying together, and I feel unhappy with my chosen path because they are all having fun and lots of social connections while I write alone on my computer. I like writing, but my enjoyment is ruined when I compare and feel like it's the wrong choice.

They are having fun on social media but you don't know what the reality is like. You made a difficult decision to follow something you really wanted to do and that takes guts. Fair play to you. I'd wonder if there are some colleagues who are envious that you're doing what you want as opposed to just ticking by.

comparing2much wrote: »

I have never had any big groups of friends, well not since I was like 12. I always see big groups of people on social media on nights out having fun. I compare myself and think, they all look so happy while I'm here only able to count my friends on one hand (with room to spare).

Quality versus quantity here. I had a very wide group of friends when I was younger. A huge number disappeared when I went through a rough patch a few years back. It brought into sharp focus who were friends and who were social friends. Yeah the social ones were fun but I prefer my life now with friends I can count on. Again social media is not the truth. It's what the person posting wants to present.

comparing2much wrote: »

I am 27 and still live at home with my parents when I'm not traveling (I pay rent of course). Most people moved out of their home during college. Why am I not normal like them?

You're more normal than most with this! I know a lot of people who moved out for college but had to move back afterwards or who are struggling with rent now as they can't move home. A huge number of people your age are living at home as they try to save. And if you're paying rent what's the problem? It's not ideal but that's where we are at the moment in this country. I lived at home all through college and until I was 25. I only moved out as my sibling had somewhere I could rent for cheaper than market rate.

comparing2much wrote: »

Can anyone please offer advice on how to stop such comparisons? Maybe they are healthy, but I dunno. I'm never ever content in life. I live in abroad for six months every year and get to eat amazing incredible food and see great things. Many people would find this enviable. Yet I'm miserable. All I think about is how everyone else's life appears to be so much more socially fulfilling and exciting than mine.

The key word there is "appears". If you're only basing this off social media then don't believe it. Like I said above, social media is what you want to present, not necessarily reality. I don't know how to tell you to stop comparing and being so harsh about yourself but maybe make a list of the things in your life that you're proud of and that are accomplishments. Everyone has different ones. You're following a career you wanted, you get to travel and live abroad - these are things that a lot of people would be comparing themselves to and wanting.

Remember the Baz Lurhman Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen song:
"Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself"

And the original Desiderata:
"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

lazybones32

When you find yourself comparing you to another - stop! Choose to think about something else. You can control your mind and can choose what topics to think about. It really is as simple as that (simple doesn't mean easy though)
If you have to stop yourself 10 times a day, so be it. It takes time.

Airyfairy12

Why dont try volunteering? You like travel so have you considered giving your time to a refugee camp, orphanage or teaching english in an impoverished country? It could do you the world of good to give something back and turn your perspective outwards rather than focusing on yourself all of the time.

Tenigate

You might be a bit lonely. I love being a solo traveller but as the memories of a trip fade you'd be forgiven for realising (a) you're a year older and (b) that travelling only broaden your horizons so much. At least if your reason for travelling is to meet uninteresting people you'll never see again, uploading tourist attractions to instagram and eating foreign food... And uploading pics of it to instagram.

If you join a monastery in india, or learn japanese to woo a girl you fell in live with in tokyo, that might be something worth writing about.

It sounds like you're not getting what you want from life, or you don't know what you want. If you did, you'd probably be more aware of the compromises other people are making to achieve what they are working towards.

Google "incessant thinking" and "comparing yourself to others" and you'll see you're not alone. A good starting point is learning how not to think.

sashafierce

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