Advice Needed.

silent128

Hello There,
I'm basically coming on this thread for advice on dating.
Basically, I'm 19, I currently live with my Grand-Parents , I was employed for a few months but it unfortunately ended due to being on a fixed term contract in the job so I am now job seeking.

I happened to meet a guy on Tinder a year ago, we kept in touch for the whole year and finally got to meet yesterday, It's early days yet but I'm just thinking about the future ahead..
I had a chat with my grand-parents a while back and I explained to them that in the event I was to ever have a boyfriend , what would they think?
They said to me that as long as they do not stay overnight, it's fine..
BUT my worry is the meeting online part - I don't know how I am going to explain how we met (that's IF it ever comes to that) , I lied to them about who I was meeting yesterday too as I felt uneasy about telling them in the event that it doesn't work out or how they may react so I told them that I was meeting friends from my previous job for lunch..

This may sound really silly but I am quite worried... My thinking would be that I am an adult and that I am entitled to date if I want to date (online or not), should I tell them about this guy now or wait until a later stage.. I just don't like lieing to them whenever I will be meeting this guy again...

Thank you all in advance.

splinter65

These are the problems every young adult still living at “home” encounters, it’s impossible to have a private life with adult family members hovering around especially when it’s their house and you’re their guest.
You need to develop a formula for answering questions truthfully but with minimum detail.
You also need to determine to work towards getting to financial place where you can at least afford a room in a shared house so that you can start living your adult life.

imme

No need to say anything at this state I'd say OP.

It is of course your call, you are more familiar with your grand parents, your relationship with them etc, your relationship with the guy etc

Good luck with it all, with the relationship and the job hunting

Ten of Swords

silent128 wrote: »

My thinking would be that I am an adult and that I am entitled to date if I want to date (online or not)

You are.

It's great that you have a good relationship with your grandparents that you have been able to broach the subject of boyfriends with them but really they don't have a direct impact on whether you date or not. Your post suggests you are still dependent on them and this is where they will have an impact on decisions. You live in their house and they get to decide who does and does not stay. They have said you can't have a guy overnight and you have to respect that, like it or not.

Whatever you choose to tell them about this guy, or if you decide not to, is really up to you but it does sound like you won't be spending any time with him at your grandparents house if you don't have an honest conversation with them first.

Without getting into your financial circumstances, do you plan to look for a place of your own once you get a job or do you see yourself living at that house for the foreseeable future?

silent128

Thank you all,
It's just a difficult situation as I met this person online and I'm lying to my grandparents (who I live with) and mother (who lives elsewhere) about where I'm going and who I'm actually meeting..
I dont know how I'm going to tell them yes of course only I would know my relationship with my grandparents but it's good to see it from from another point of view...

With regards to my financial situation , it's not quite possible as of yet to move out and houseshare but I am hoping to next year ...
the guy I'm dating also asked me to his college ball which takes place in 2 weeks so I think I'll need to tell my grandparents by then... very worried

JackTaylorFan

silent128 wrote: »

Thank you all,
It's just a difficult situation as I met this person online and I'm lying to my grandparents (who I live with) and mother (who lives elsewhere) about where I'm going and who I'm actually meeting..
I dont know how I'm going to tell them yes of course only I would know my relationship with my grandparents but it's good to see it from from another point of view...

With regards to my financial situation , it's not quite possible as of yet to move out and houseshare but I am hoping to next year ...
the guy I'm dating also asked me to his college ball which takes place in 2 weeks so I think I'll need to tell my grandparents by then... very worried

People lie about how they met all the time. A common tagline on dating sites goes along the lines of "We'll tell everyone we met at a Christmas Party" or some other crap that sounds more romantic than on a hook-up app.

My sister says she met her fella on holiday.. Yeah, right, sure ya did, sis... She just afraid of the Tinder shame.

Anyways, none of your granny's business how you guys met. Tell her you met in church during Novena - she'll prob like that.

As the Fonz said about having a Roy Orbison tattoo on his asshole: What mama don't know, won't hurt her". Yeah, I know it's not your mama but... meh, close enough..

So yeah. White lies. It's all good.

jobbridge4life

silent128 wrote: »

Thank you all,
It's just a difficult situation as I met this person online and I'm lying to my grandparents (who I live with) and mother (who lives elsewhere) about where I'm going and who I'm actually meeting..
I dont know how I'm going to tell them yes of course only I would know my relationship with my grandparents but it's good to see it from from another point of view...

With regards to my financial situation , it's not quite possible as of yet to move out and houseshare but I am hoping to next year ...
the guy I'm dating also asked me to his college ball which takes place in 2 weeks so I think I'll need to tell my grandparents by then... very worried

Silent I think you may be overthinking things a little much. Do your Grandparents need to know where you meet this chap? Do they need to know right now when it seems you are in the early stages of the relationship? As to lying to them about where you are going, just do the old 'to meet a friend'. Not a lie really.

You seem to have a great relationship with your grandparents. That is wonderful. Don't get too anxious about having to tell them every detail of your life. A little bit of greyness between children and their parents/grandparents is not only normal but probably essential. As time moves on and the relationships solidifies you can introduce him like anyone else would.

JupiterKid

splinter65 wrote: »

These are the problems every young adult still living at “home” encounters, it’s impossible to have a private life with adult family members hovering around especially when it’s their house and you’re their guest.
You need to develop a formula for answering questions truthfully but with minimum detail.
You also need to determine to work towards getting to financial place where you can at least afford a room in a shared house so that you can start living your adult life.

The OP is only 19 in fairness and there is, if you haven’t been aware, a major housing crisis in this country where not only can 19 year olds not afford to secure their own or shared accommodation, but people in their 30s are still living with parents. I do hope the OP can secure decent accommodation at some stage.

I would suggest that the OP keeps in touch with the chap from tinder but meets in a neutral space (such as a bar or cafe) for safety reasons and perhaps avails of a location such as a sauna for anything intimate. But meet up in a safe/public space first.

I agree with the others that your grandparents are great to be so accepting. My, how this country is changing.

Big Bag of Chips

In the early days of a relationship you don't have to tell anyone anything. Most people don't, because they have no idea whether the relationship is going to go anywhere or not. Whenever I started going out with someone it was probably a couple of months before I told people, and that was purely to make sure that the relationship progressed to something that was worth telling people about.

It's called a "private life" for a reason. You are entitled to not feel the need to share every detail. I get the impression you are offering most of the information without your grandparents looking for it! If you're going out some night tell them you're meeting friends. No need for long winded explanations of what friends, how many and from where. Your grandparents aren't looking for every small detail of your life. They just want to know you're safe.

Relax a bit. See what happens before you go telling everyone you're "in a relationship".

silent128

Ok I don't mean for this to turn out to be a blog or anything but , I am really finding everyone's advice on this particularly useful.
So I have told my Grand-Mother as well as my own Mother about the guy I am seeing however I have yet to tell my Grand-Father as I am worried about how he may react.
I was asked to meet this guy's Parents and I did and also stayed overnight in his house and he asked me to officially be his boyfriend and I agreed so I guess you could say we are technically official now..
I had to let on to my Grand-Father that I was going elsewhere while my Grand-Mother knew exactly where I was.

On another note as you have seen from my previous posts on this thread , My Grand-Parents wont allow me to have anyone over at all (and yes I have to respect that) , yet I am allowed in his house no problem and it bothers me. - The Guy I am seeing said today that it is a pity we cant be together on our own anywhere thats not public (apart from the times im over in his house)... We are also going away to Belgium to a concert in January together too..
I REALLY want this to work in any way I can, he lives 2 buses away from my house so in total takes about an hour to get to/from his house...

Thanks again for the help guys.

Sleeper12

Gay or straight you'd still have the same problem here. As a parent I'd be a little more about my adult kids meeting people online but that's probably because online dating didn't exist when I was single. Parents will remember the one Tinder example that might have been on the news, a bad news story.

Here's what I love about what you have shared so far. Your family seems to be quite understanding and accepting.

I'd just be honest with your grandad. Keep in mind that he will be worried for you. Talk to him about it. Explain as best as you can.

Big Bag of Chips

silent128 wrote: »

The Guy I am seeing said today that it is a pity we cant be together on our own anywhere thats not public (apart from the times im over in his house)...

That is exactly the problem every 19 year old who lives at home has! Even if he came to your grandparents house you'd probably be expected to sit in the sitting room with everyone else! Why have you not told your grandad? Does he know you're gay?

Heebie

If you've just met this guy... Waiting is fine. It's not like you just got engaged.
This dating thing might last days, weeks, or until death, for all you know at this point. Telling them, then having it end next week, would really make it moot.

If they're ok with your sexuality, then there's probably also no reason not to tell them. They're probably married, getting grandparents and all, so they might remember what dating is like.
They might even have advice for you about it. (Maybe some useful... and maybe some not so much.)

Is think they're comfort level with your sexuality is the second most important factor in whether or not to mention it to them. Your comfort level in them knowing being the most important.

AircraftA320

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

That is exactly the problem every 19 year old who lives at home has! Even if he came to your grandparents house you'd probably be expected to sit in the sitting room with everyone else! Why have you not told your grandad? Does he know you're gay?

Yes I entirely agree with you , it would have to be in the sitting room (that's if he's allowed over at ALL), I haven't told my grandad because I am afraid of how he might react , yes he knows I'm gay 100% and is fine with it, he's the type of person that would obsess over it and wonder and wonder so he'd really want every detail being honest ... my grandmother reckons I should tell him after Christmas (even though I'm going over to my boyfriends for New Years) ...

Tenigate

Op, you are under absolutely under no obligation to tell your mother or your gran anything. They don't need to know who you are seeing. You don't have to tell them when you are meeting them. You didn't even have to tell them you were gay.

Mollycoddled kids might grow up being praised for being honest and being a good boy by telling their parents everything. But as an adult (and you are an adult!) I actually think it's better to set boundaries as to what you share and what you don't.

It is fine to say you are going to meet a friend. It's not a lie and it doesn't need to be explained any further. If they pry, once again decide how much you want to tell them. And if you're blunt enough they might not ask again

wakka12

Personally I think you're giving everyone too much info too early on! Why do you grand parents even need to know if or who you're dating? Doubt they care too much about it, and telling them about it just seems to be causing some degree of unnecessary friction. Why not just keep it to yourself? If you get serious with the guy maybe tell them if you feel the need

And millions of teenage and young couples living at home can only be together really in public. Lots of households don't want their children having people staying overnight in their home, gay or straight. Its a bit annoying but its their rules so I guess you gotta respect that. Its not so bad, just have to be a bit more creative in finding places you can be romantic together. It can be hard in a cold rainy climate ill admit! But my bf and I make it work