Am I being too controlling?

BacanBan

Hi guys,  I could really do with some advice.  

My partner and I have recently finished up our PhDs and moved to his home country of Germany.  This wasn’t our original plan, it was to stay in Ireland for a year, get jobs and for me to take up german lessons before we’d move.  However he informed me that he was feeling really down and depressed and we decided to move to Germany straight away.  

We’ve been here about a month and it’s been a bit difficult.  While we’re waiting for our flat to be available, we’re staying with his mother.  And he’s reverted back into his teenage self.  Drinking every single day, partying etc.  On one of these days last week, he came home to me and was extremely aggressive.  Yelling about all sorts of crap, slamming his fists off things, yanking the bed covers out of my hands and just generally scaring me.  He didn’t touch me or anything like that but for the first time ever I was really scared of him.  We managed to get through the night, after he made me apologise for every single previous fight we ever had.  The next day I asked him to talk and I told him how upset I was, how scared of him I was.  He broke down and apologised and said he didn’t know what came over him or why he was like that.  This brings us to last night.

There was a big party in his mams house for his brothers girlfriends birthday.  And I told him I was a bit apprehensive about it given what has happened on Tuesday.  We struck a deal where he promised he’d control himself and just stick to beer and have no hard alcohol of any kind.  I know that this was a bit ott of me, not wanting him to have hard alcohol but I was really upset after what had happened earlier in the week and I knew that on beer alone he’d be ok.  During the party he got himself a moscow mule, which has gin in it.  I asked him why he got one, as I thought he was sticking to beer, and he said he thought the deal was only for shots, but he’d only have the one.  And he did.  And the night passed without any anger or issues.  

But I am upset he had that cocktail.  I said it to him this morning that I felt he went back on his promise and that even though it ended ok, I was still upset he did that.  He was equally as upset that I’d make a big deal over one cocktail even though he had behaved fine.  And I don’t know what to do.  He is saying I tried to control him by limiting his choices and I guess I did.  I just feel so sad.  I am stuck here, with only him for company, trying to find a job and study my german,  and it’s not been the easiest time..  And I guess I want to know is if I am letting this affect my judgement and am I behaving badly?  I just want him to see that to me he broke a promise, and it’s not been the first time he has altered one to suit himself and to admit that what he did wasn’t exactly fair..  But maybe I am the one behaving badly and I need to change my attitude?

Basically am I wrong to expect my boyfriend to honour his promise to avoid spirits after an incident when he was aggressive and out of control?  Or was I wrong to even ask him to only stick to beer in the first place?

wally1990

BacanBan wrote: »

<Snip>

As a male myself I am 27 and realised at 20/21 that I could not handle vodka

For whatever reason when I drink it I change I said horrible things and act in a way I always regret

I've said things to friends and my gf during these times

I only drink at weekends nowaday and I now only stick to beer and a spirit I know I'm ok with

My point is maybe these drinks do not agree with your partner and he needs to realise that and accept it

He is currently in denial maybe or not realising but at the end of the day his drinking of these is making you unhappy

I do not think your being controlling
It's seems to be only for his good
Like he can drink but just avoid the type of drink where he becomes angry etc

It's affecting your relationship with him and that isn't good .

Redser87

It's not the cocktail that I would worry about here, it's the angry side to his character. I think you need to get to the bottom of that and ask yourself if you will feel safe living in a foreign country with somebody who acts like this.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

wally1990, I've snipped your reply as you included the entire, very lengthy, post by the OP. This is unnecessary and only clogs up the thread with duplicate text.

leggo

I'd be inclined to be on the side that certain alcohol doesn't agree with certain people and can make them act different ways. I can't drink Captain Morgans and every time I've tried has ended badly with me doing stuff total out of character that's just not who I am as a person ever (albeit not violently, more embarrassingly for me). So getting him to acknowledge that is a start. If it's a case of he can't even regulate and control what he drinks when he is drinking, that's an early sign of a drink problem there. You've been together a while and moved country for each other without this raising its head so I'd be inclined to give them benefit of the doubt unless you start thinking of tell-tale signs with hindsight.

When it comes to people asking if they're being controlling, I always break it down like this:

You don't have to be in any situation you don't want to be and, if you have concerns that can be managed, you have every right to bring it up with a partner. They also have a right to do what they want, however you being with them isn't a right. So your only move if they say no is to either accept it or issue them an ultimatum, but a genuine ultimatum where you actually are on the brink and will leave and not a threat to manipulate someone to do what you want. That's the line and that's your choice.

Are you being irrational? No, you're never irrational if your fear is for your personal safety and your only goal is to protect that.

Big Bag of Chips

I think the drinking is just a symptom of a more unpleasant/immature side to him. You have moved to his country, to his family home, you speak very little German and he thinks its ok to be out drinking everyday, leaving you at home with his mother.

People with a fondness for drink will always find someone/something to blame other than taking responsibility for their own actions. He us not behaving in a proper way. If he was single, and still living at home fair enough, let him carry on how he likes. But he's not single and you are living in his parents house. He needs to be showing you and your relationship more respect.

What's the plan? Is he working? Are you (pl) saving for a deposit to move to your own place? I'd be very very careful. You have long term plans, he's just looking as far ahead as his next night out. Sometimes people grow out of that. Sometimes they don't.

dudara

His behaviour on that first night was bang out if order. His excuse when you asked him about the Moscow Mule tells me that he knew damn well what he was doing.

How mature is he generally?

zoobizoo

It can take an episode or a few episodes for someone to realise "Right, I can't drink anymore / I can't drink that much anymore / I can't drink that anymore".

He had been drinking and then made a choice to get the Mule? The alcohol would have impaired his decision.


That's not to say that he didn't renege on the agreement.


You were in your rights, considering his aggressive behaviour, to tell him not to drink spirits. That's not controlling - that's protecting the relationship and yourself.



How long was it between the original incident and the Moscow Mule?

gozunda

I note with some unease that on night in question he appeared to be blaming you for him losing his temper i.e. apologising for every argument etc.

To me this waves a serious red flag. A common trait in abusive type relationships is for one of the party to assign blame on the other - along the line of you made me do it / lose my temper etc.

The only person who can make someone lose their temper - is themselves. He also appears to be in some form of denial about his drinking.

I would advise you perhaps you to take a critical look at your relationship and make a call if you can see more of similar or perhaps worse. Your own long term happiness and perhaps safety are the important considerations here.

Could you perhaps take a break and return to Ireland for a period - while you both figure these issues out?

cailin.

I have to agree with other sentiments posted here already.
There are some red flags sticking out here imo.
You are not being controlling, and he isn't being particularly understanding of where you're coming from after his behaviour.

How do you usually resolve conflict within the relationship?

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt be annoyed with him for drinking the cocktail, the night went well and he didnt go overboard. If he's never acted that way before then id let it go, he might have just drank something that doesnt agree with him. I can drink vodka all night but one glass of wine and im asleep in a corner, rum makes me crazy.. everyone has drinks they just shouldnt touch.
If youve seen a change in his behaviour since moving to Germany you might be beginning to see his true colours, he may feel more secure in the relationship now so isnt holding back, if thats the case.. leave, you dodged a bullet. If it was a one off.. let it slide.

LegacyUser

I don't think your question should be about whether or not you're controlling, but rather why you're bothering. Two mature, healthy adults in a relationship don't need to make bargains about what kind of alcohol they can drink, they don't demand apologies for all previous conflict and they don't scare each other the way he did to you, that's a relationship with serious issues that have nothing to do with beer v spirits.

You don't say what your relationship was like before you moved to Germany, but I'm going to guess that it was busy with studies and that he was in part dependent on you, emotionally or for other supports perhaps. I would say he resents that and/or resented having to be away from home, perhaps felt like you anchored him here, then he manipulated you into moving to Germany where you are now vulnerable and isolated, allowing him to vent the aggression he has bottled up.

Never mind bargains about cocktails and spirits, you need to address the fact that you're in a potentially dangerous position with someone who's showing signs of being an abuser. I would strongly advise you not to consider attempting to rectify his behaviour while you have little or no support around you, but instead I would urge you to leave Germany and go home, no matter difficult that is. If you stay, things will almost certainly get worse.

Mr. Incognito

Classic controlling behaviour;

Isolating you from your friends and family- Check- In Germany without the language alone in his mothers

Threatening you- Check. Albeit with Alcohol.

Making false promises - Check. Promised not to drink spirits- drank spirits.

You have him an ultimatum and he broke it.

Turns it around so you think you are the one with the problem- Check the Thread title

I would advise you to pack your things and move home as quickly as possible.

Icepick

He is controlling you. Time to split up and focus on self development.

miamee

I just want him to see that to me he broke a promise, and it’s not been the first time he has altered one to suit himself and to admit that what he did wasn’t exactly fair.. But maybe I am the one behaving badly and I need to change my attitude?

After he was so aggressive and out of character with you the first time, HE should have been promising never to drink whatever 'made' him act that way. The fact you had to even suggest he lay off it or ask him not to drink spirits again is bad enough - that he broke that promise so easily is very telling. He didn't take the situation at all seriously.

I quoted the above bit of your post because it stood out to me. I have known people who will say something/promise something and when you call them out on it, will swear something completely different was agreed. And they are not 100% wrong, they just say something in such a way that it has two meanings and then you doubt yourself for believing the most obvious meaning. Most people, if agreeing "I won't drink spirits" mean any spirits. However in his own head, he seems to have added the caveat that "I won't drink spirits from a shot glass" because that's what suited him. It's probably not outright gaslighting but he is messing with your head.

osarusan

From his perspective, he probably feels that the essence of the promise was that he wouldn't drink to excess and go mad again. And, he would argue, that was how the night went - you said the night passed grand without any issues. So he is probably thinking....what's the problem?

You seem to be focusing on the broken promise but to me, him getting you to apologise for loads of stuff when drunk, and being aggressive to the point of scaring you, is what I'd be worried about, particularly if there is any history of that.

I've lived away from Ireland for extended periods and had a few sessions upon returning (even for a holiday) but that can only go on so long, especially if he has a partner that he knows is unhappy and struggling.

mojesius

You mentioned he was down/depressed and that spurned the early move to Germany. By the sounds of things, the move home hasn't fixed things and he's now turned to daily[?] drinking. From my own experiences with people who self-medicate with booze/drugs, I'd urge you to walk away for your own sake, he will drag you down, deflect his irrational behaviour onto you/others and it will just spiral downwards and downwards, with you left picking up the pieces.

My advice is to walk away from this, it doesn't sound like a very happy, balanced relationship and you must feel quite lonely. Think about yourself.

Unanimous

Hi OP. I think I know how you feel being in a different environment. I only moved to Ireland for college a few months ago and I am from an English speaking country so communication and getting a job was not difficult for me but the culture was so different that I found it soo difficult to make friends and all of that. I stayed home most of the times and I still do. My advice for you is to really think things over and if you can't handle it, please come back. Your case if different because you are there for someone. Your boyfriend. He however doesn't seem to be ready to support you. You may need to learn German properly before landing a good job and may be dependent on him for a while. It could be very tough on you so if you feel things are getting out of hand, please start looking for a job here in Ireland and consider coming back.
You need a support system (friends and family) and if you don't have that there, then you could be depressed over there too.
About the drink thing, I would have said you went too far to make him promise that but then it wasn't you waking up and asking it out of the blues. He did something that made you terrified. Him telling you that you are making it a big deal just shows you that he is irresponsible and doesn't want to owe it to you to stay off alcohol for your sake. That's not the right way to treat someone who loved you enough to move to your country even though she didn't speak the language and doesnt have family there. OP, please think this through and don't waste your time there if this is going nowhere

Unanimous

Hi OP. I think I know how you feel being in a different environment. I only moved to Ireland for college a few months ago and I am from an English speaking country so communication and getting a job was not difficult for me but the culture was so different that I found it soo difficult to make friends and all of that. I stayed home most of the times and I still do. My advice for you is to really think things over and if you can't handle it, please come back. Your case if different because you are there for someone. Your boyfriend. He however doesn't seem to be ready to support you. You may need to learn German properly before landing a good job and may be dependent on him for a while. It could be very tough on you so if you feel things are getting out of hand, please start looking for a job here in Ireland and consider coming back.
You need a support system (friends and family) and if you don't have that there, then you could be depressed over there too.
About the drink thing, I would have said you went too far to make him promise that but then it wasn't you waking up and asking it out of the blues. He did something that made you terrified. Him telling you that you are making it a big deal just shows you that he is irresponsible and doesn't want to owe it to you to stay off alcohol for your sake. That's not the right way to treat someone who loved you enough to move to your country even though she didn't speak the language and doesnt have family there. OP, please think this through and don't waste your time there if this is going nowhere