Introvert problems!

LegacyUser

Evening all,

I'm a 23 year old female. I'm a reluctant introvert-I envy extroverts, namely their tolerance for social situations! I know people describe me as "bubbly" and "really confident" but it's honestly surprising for me. I feel embarrassed that my ideal night would be in front of a book/laptop alone with chocolate! I do have an other half who is very similar to me. I feel terrible admitting this but I hate social situations like pubs/meals- I find them so "forced" and I don't really often have much interest in small talk.
My problem is that my reluctance to socialise is impacting on my friendships and my opinions of myself. My (small group) of friends are extremely sociable and most of their socialising revolves around drinking and nightclubs, which I hate. I hate alcohol- I despise being hungover and it makes me incredibly anxious. However, I find it impossible to endure nightclubs without it so I usually end up "bailing" on any nights out. I hate being considered the flakey one but I just cannot deal with the thoughts of neverending drinks/ talking to random people in nightclubs. My friends would definitely consider this strange so I have never explained this to them. I do have no problem going for lunch or anything though.
As I mentioned above, this situation is affecting my perception of myself. If I reluctantly go to pubs/ nightclubs and don't drink I am totally aware of everyone's judgement of me. On my last social occasion (a wedding reception) where I wasn't drinking an older man sarcastically said that it was obvious that I wasn't enjoying the evening. I am also so tired of everyone's constant question- "why aren't you drinking?" "why don't you want to go out?" "is everything okay?" At this stage, I don't even give an excuse- a doctor's note would nearly be demanded after any illness excuse!

Is there any hope for me? I am exasperated with myself. I hate to admit that I dread weddings/ hen parties and all the things that I will have to face soon. I dread any night out and I hate always being the first to leave. My work are arranging a mystery tour soon and I've decided that I'm going to be upfront and say I hate mystery tours but again, I feel like I let myself down. Part of me feels that I could really do a lot more regarding socialising- I am ashamed to say that my first reaction to many events like nights out is "how do I get out of it?" I know that this is horrible and that it's nice to be invited to things. I feel like I have little in common with most people my age- I honestly feel like a 60 year old sometimes. The other part of me urges myself to be "true to myself" and that there surely must be worse things than trying to avoid social occasions. I feel like 100 years old saying this but I think that alcohol is an issue in Irish society. I know that most 23 year olds think very differently (in my defence, one of my parents had a drink problem in my childhood). Would appreciate any help!

zoobizoo

Good for you for coming to the realisation of what you do and what you don't enjoy doing at 23...

Explain to your friends, rather than avoid telling them, that you don't enjoy drinking, you don't enjoy clubs and you don't enjoy crowds. Once you explain it, they might not understand your position, but at least they'll know not to be pushing you to do something you don't want to do.

But don't let that stop you from hanging out with them. Become their lunch time friend... or their coffee friend..... or their "I'll call over to chat" friend.

strandroad

Very good advice above!

What do you do enjoy that you can share with friends? Suggest it instead.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks so much for the replies. To be honest I kind of refrain from mentioning the whole hating alcohol/clubs thing- I know my friends would find it strange even though they are fantastic people I must add! I remember that the last time I didn't go out I got a text "is everything okay? Would you not want to go out?" so I know they'd find it strange. It also sounds very weird but even lunch situations usually lead to "so when will we go out next?"" which is anxiety inducing for me! My friend has recently moved to Galway and keeps pressurising me to come and stay over and go out with her. I just feel so weird all of the time. Again thanks for replies

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

irishguy1983

zoobizoo wrote: »

Good for you for coming to the realisation of what you do and what you don't enjoy doing at 23...

Explain to your friends, rather than avoid telling them, that you don't enjoy drinking, you don't enjoy clubs and you don't enjoy crowds. Once you explain it, they might not understand your position, but at least they'll know not to be pushing you to do something you don't want to do.

But don't let that stop you from hanging out with them. Become their lunch time friend... or their coffee friend..... or their "I'll call over to chat" friend.

I’ll second that - took me until 34 to realise this...Years of wondering what was wrong with me/putting on a show, etc.

I’m not going to any Christmas parties this year and for the first time ever I’m not lying about it either! I normally come up with ridiculous excuses but just telling people now I appreciate the invite but no thanks....I’ve never being happier this year...I’ve signed up to a few introvert pages on FB - I love them!!!

Went out once year this on a big night - I hated it!! I’d love to have being so self aware at 23

Jenneke87

Hey there,
As an introvert myself, I get where you're coming from. Like you at that age (I'm a little older now) I never was into the drinking and partying. I found it horrible: the forced conversations with drunk people asking me where I was from, was I having a good time, do you want to dance, etc. etc. and I was standing there thinking:" You're so drunk you can barely speak, you stink of alcohol and I really don't want to talk to you." It put me off clubbing fairly quickly...
I would be fine for example with a lunch, going for a meal in the evening, high tea, a day to the spa. etc. as long as it doesn't involve really forced conversation which like you, I'm not good at, especially if I have to hear the length and breadth about other people's always very "special"children.. Like you I prefer to be reading, or watching a movie (and have no issues going to one by myself if nobody else wants to go). What helps for me is knowing what kind of activities I do really like and build my social life around that. I play an instrument and go to a lot of workshops and courses where I'll be guaranteed to meet like-minded people that I know I can talk to and actually enjoy it.
I think it's a shame that being an introvert is seen as such a bad thing, as if all introverts are awkward loners who don't know how to talk to people, have no social life or social skills and hate people. That's not the case at all. If you love to read give Susan Cains " Quiet" a try: a brilliant book about introverts and their many strengths! 
Please don't think that there is anything wrong with being an introvert and that only extraverts lead the high life. I wish you all the best.

missmatty

I'd definitely recommend reading that book by Susan Cain, for the first time in my life I recognised myself when I read it. I do enjoy a drink with close friends but I've always hated loud places and nightclubs, and love curling up with a book or my kindle. If I've been out for a night I need a few days of quiet to make up for it. Accept who you are and explain to your friends, as someone already said, if they are real friends they won't have an issue with it.