End of a short relationship

Rck888746

Hello
First of all, sorry for the long post. I am feeling horrible and write all this and get opinions from you will help a little, I guess. I apologize for the writing too, English is not my first language.

4 months ago I met a girl... she was here in the city I live visiting a friend. Unfortunately she lives 400km from here. We met the day she was leaving, so we didn't talk much, but we started to talk online in the following days and we get along pretty well. We have a lot in common, and it felt like we had already met for a long time... we started to like each other, talk everyday, etc...


It was difficult for us to see each other, so we only got together 2 months after the beggining of this. By this time we were already liking very much the other. I must say I am a very insecure guy on this matter, but it was clear that she was really into me, and she was saying that loud and clear. We spent a wonderful weekend together. After this, everything was good, the last "fear" I had, which was her not enjoying being with me for real, was gone. She was even more kind and near me, I was certain I had finally found someone I really wanted to be with, and better, she wanted the same!


Well, it all went bad 2 weeks ago. Once or twice she complained that it was hard to be far from me, I was missing her a lot as well, but for me this was just a sign of how much I liked her... but for her it was too much. She started to be a little more silent than the usual, I asked what was happening and she said she was in doubt with the situation, that she was not sure she would be able to handle the distance, etc... and that it was best for us to end it.


I kinda fought for it during these last days, but I guess she made the decision. Yesterday I asked her to be honest with me, if it was something else, or something with me... and her answer is hard to hear, because she tells me that she wanted to go through, that I am the kind of person she wants to be by her side, but... she can't explain exactly why she doesn't feel we can be together and gives a sign or two that it might be the distance, but I am not convinced...


After these last two messages where she "explained" to me the reason, I didn't reply it. I already made myself very clear that I want her, so I think there is no point to insist... but I feel a big urge to send her a message telling her how hurt I am with all this.


I know she has all the right in the world to change her mind, but I don't see how a feeling can disappear so fast. I am angry that she told me a lot of things, she made me believe that she wanted me, and now all of a sudden it is all over.


Do you guys think it is possible to really like someone, but make the decision to end it because you will not be able to handle the distance? I mean, for me it was a bad thing too, but I like her enough to get through this... I guess she didn't feel the same way. She is also a very insecure girl, low self esteem, so she feels that on the first minor sign that I am not happy with the situation (the distance) I might end it, so she is kinda afraid to take things seriously.


I know it may seem a stupid story, but... like I said, I am not a very confident guy in this matter. On the other hand, I am kind of a "cold" person. What I mean is that I am not very successful with girls, but this is not a subject that makes me feel bad. I live in a way that "if someday I find someone, great... if not, whatever". I think this is why it is hurting so much, because I found a girl that I really like, I think I can say I am in love with her... and if she didn't want anything, ok, this is life, it happens. But she made me believe we would be together... and now this. It hurts a lot, and this is the first time I feel like that. I don't know exactly how to handle it.

dellas1979

What ages are you both? (just for a bit of perspective).

Also, 400km is a lot of distance. Not insurmountable, but are ye even in the same country? Might take a lot of effort to see each other?

If she is Irish (and you are not, I assume spanish), will you live here?

These are things that might be going through her head.

Airyfairy12

Sorry to hear this, you sound genuinely lovely. Unfortunately sometimes people change their mind and in the beginning of a relationship the slightest thing said or done can make or break that chemistry. Distance is a big problem for lots of people, some people genuinely can't deal with long distance relationships, she made her point clear on this, I wouldn't overthink it, it is what it is. See how you feel in a few days, if youre still angry or upset, text her and let her know how you feel but i'd hold off for awhile until youve calmed down and your heads a bit more clear.

Rck888746

dellas1979 wrote: »

What ages are you both? (just for a bit of perspective).

Also, 400km is a lot of distance. Not insurmountable, but are ye even in the same country? Might take a lot of effort to see each other?

If she is Irish (and you are not, I assume spanish), will you live here?

These are things that might be going through her head.

I am 29, she is 26.


We live in the same country, it is not that hard to see each other, 6 hours in a bus. Her parents are from a city near mine, so she is used to travel in the weekends. Also, because of my job, I would be able to go and see her a lot more by the end of this month. But she didn't care about this, I suppose.

Rck888746

Rck888746 wrote: »

I am 29, she is 26.


We live in the same country, it is not that hard to see each other, 6 hours in a bus. Her parents are from a city near mine, so she is used to travel in the weekends. Also, because of my job, I would be able to go and see her a lot more by the end of this month. But she didn't care about this, I suppose.

You might have to let this one go tbh tough as it may be. I dont think she has enough desire to make the commitment of a long distance relationship and to be honest i can perfectly see where she is coming from. Sure what i would do is accept it respectfully and agree to remain on friendly terms but move on for now. Millions of single women in the world at the end of the day and great fun trying to catch them You never know, things may change in the future with the girl. We live in an uncertain world

Sephiroth_dude

Rck888746 wrote: »

I am 29, she is 26.


We live in the same country, it is not that hard to see each other, 6 hours in a bus. .

Too be fair that's a long journey for anyone, Listen we've all been here before, I would suggest just letting it go, keep yourself busy and be kind too yourself.

Rck888746

I will try to let it go... but it has been hard. I just can't think of anything else... 

Her friend that lives here (the one she went visit the weekend we met) is in her home this weekend, they planned to do all kind of stuff, going to a lot of places and I feel like an idiot teenager thinking that she is having fun, maybe flirting with another guy while I am here, having the worst days and not able to concentrate on anything else.

I wanted to tell a friend this, but I feel ashamed for being such an idiot and for being so hurt for a girl that I met for only 4 months. I feel angry for being unlucky that she lives far... I feel angry with her because maybe she just made me believe in all this while she was not that much into it... I feel angry with myself for being so hurt for a 4-month thing while there are people out there suffering because of real relationships. I feel angry because I never thought I would pass through this...

Sorry guys... I just want to express everything I am feeling but I don't feel I have someone near me that I can do it to...

Sam Quentin

Welcome to Irishwomen.com :-)

Sephiroth_dude

Rck888746 wrote: »

I will try to let it go... but it has been hard. I just can't think of anything else... 

Her friend that lives here (the one she went visit the weekend we met) is in her home this weekend, they planned to do all kind of stuff, going to a lot of places and I feel like an idiot teenager thinking that she is having fun, maybe flirting with another guy while I am here, having the worst days and not able to concentrate on anything else.

I wanted to tell a friend this, but I feel ashamed for being such an idiot and for being so hurt for a girl that I met for only 4 months. I feel angry for being unlucky that she lives far... I feel angry with her because maybe she just made me believe in all this while she was not that much into it... I feel angry with myself for being so hurt for a 4-month thing while there are people out there suffering because of real relationships. I feel angry because I never thought I would pass through this...

Sorry guys... I just want to express everything I am feeling but I don't feel I have someone near me that I can do it to...

You're not an idiot and don't feel ashamed by any of this, I've felt like this before where by I fell hard for someone and just like that they ended it, similar too you it was long distance, about 3 hrs away by bus (cork - kildare), I felt like such a fool moping around the place, its hurts like hell at the start but time is a great healer, best thing you can do now is keep yourself busy, go out and meet a pal and chat about this, go too the gym and set yourself goals, anything that will keep your mind off her, don't think about her and other guys, it will drive you mad, also don't have her up so high on a pedestal, no one is perfect.

Rck888746

You're not an idiot and don't feel ashamed by any of this, I've felt like this before where by I fell hard for someone and just like that they ended it, similar too you it was long distance, about 3 hrs away by bus (cork - kildare),  I felt like such a fool moping around the place, its hurts like hell at the start but time is a great healer, best thing you can do now is keep yourself busy, go out and meet a pal and chat about this, go too the gym and set yourself goals, anything that will keep your mind off her, don't think about her and other guys, it will drive you mad, also don't have her up so high on a pedestal, no one is perfect.

Thanks man.

Yesterday was really hard, I was out all day doing some stuff but she popped in my mind all the time. I was really sick with the idea of getting home on a Saturday night and nothing to do unless think about this. So I read a lot of things and forums on this subject, I don't know why but it made me feel a little better. Guess it's the idea that you are not alone in this.

I am feeling a bit better today, but I am quite aware that the healing process didn't even start. I am afraid this is hope... hope that she will talk to me after Tuesday, when her friend is back and her routine is back to normal. I'm sure I will be really sad if she didn't message me in the next days and I am aware that I should not be with this thought in my mind...

Icepick

That is a long distance and yes, women change their opinion easily as it's often based on emotions.

Also, your scarcity mentality to dating and relationships is damaging your prospects and off putting to most women.

Rck888746

So, a little update.

I talked to her last Thursday. It was awful... she had not changed any of her ideas and told me again that was pretty much over. That she still likes me but can't see a relationship happening. I told her that I respect that but I wasn't prepared to take her out of my life now. I wanted to still in contact and we agreed on that, but she was being quite cold.

Today I tried the last thing, which was telling her that I might go to her city because of a thing at work, and I wanted to see her. She replied that she didn't want this because we pretty much said everything that we had to say and she doesn't want contact because it has been hard on her as well. I sent her an audio opening my heart out and that was it...

I am feeling beyond sad now... I can't even describe it. I know a lot of you already felt this way, probably worse, because my relationship wasn't that long... but I just feel I gotta write something somewhere to maybe feel better.

I will start no contact tomorrow... but I need to know this will go away. I need to, I just can't think of being this way for a long time. I can't focus on anything else, I practically don't eat... lost 5kg this month... all I can think is her and how will be hard for me to find and trust someone again.

milli milli

OP it doesn't matter about the length of time, sometimes you just fall hard for people. And it's sad when it ends, heartbreak is just the worst, so I sympathise with you.

This girl has made it very clear she doesn't want to pursue a relationship so I hope when you say 'no contact' that you really mean that, and you're not going to contact her in 30 days hoping she'll change her mind. Please don't do that to yourself.

You're very young, you have the world at your feet. You just need to keep busy, meet up with friends, perhaps concentrate on some kind of goal - fitness, hobby, etc.
As others have said, time is a fantastic healer.
You need to work on your 'scarcity' mentality too, as another mentioned. At your age, there are so many single women about (try being in your 40s, looking for a partner ).
You will get over this. Best of luck.

Sephiroth_dude

Rck888746 wrote: »

So, a little update.

I talked to her last Thursday. It was awful... she had not changed any of her ideas and told me again that was pretty much over. That she still likes me but can't see a relationship happening. I told her that I respect that but I wasn't prepared to take her out of my life now. I wanted to still in contact and we agreed on that, but she was being quite cold.

Today I tried the last thing, which was telling her that I might go to her city because of a thing at work, and I wanted to see her. She replied that she didn't want this because we pretty much said everything that we had to say and she doesn't want contact because it has been hard on her as well. I sent her an audio opening my heart out and that was it...

I am feeling beyond sad now... I can't even describe it. I know a lot of you already felt this way, probably worse, because my relationship wasn't that long... but I just feel I gotta write something somewhere to maybe feel better.

I will start no contact tomorrow... but I need to know this will go away. I need to, I just can't think of being this way for a long time. I can't focus on anything else, I practically don't eat... lost 5kg this month... all I can think is her and how will be hard for me to find and trust someone again.

When the relationship I posted above ended, I was in a similar position too you, not eating right, always feeling down, was begging her too stay in contact with me, in the end though I realized even if we did stay in contact, things would never be the same again, I had too get it into my head that she didn't want anything more too do with me and so I blocked her every where,that helped, I would suggest you do the same.

It doesn't matter if the relationship was short term or long term, it still hurts when things end especially if you're really into the person, this will pass, keep yourself constantly busy, also look after yourself, losing 5kg in a month is not healthy, most importantly though be kind too yourself, go out and do fun stuff and chat too pals about this.