Think my husband is bullying me

SCBO

I think my husband is bullying me. If I try to ignore the occurrences it continues if I confront him it gets worse.

There seems to be no way of avoiding these situations. Sometimes I stay out really late, stay in my room and do all sorts of things to survive this negativity but its pointless.

I just can’t seem to escape the situation I’m facing. Any suggestions?

endacl

1. Post over here.

2. Give more info when you get there.

branie2

Run away from him to safety!

server down

I agree with endacl, if you want serious advice post in that relationship forum.

SCBO

I think my husband is bullying me. If I try to ignore the occurrences it continues if I confront him it gets worse. There seems to be no way of avoiding these situations. Sometimes I stay out really late, stay in my room and do all sorts of things to survive this negativity but its pointless. I just can’t seem to escape the situation I’m facing. Any suggestions?

I always feel like he is about to kick of at any minute so I try to stay out of his way. I even tried acting like it's not happening in the hopes it will diffuse things. He also uses scare tactics and tells me of scenarios that may play out in my life if I don't go along with his idea.

Confronting it just makes it worse and can even lead to more issues. I feel like there is no way out of this situation. What other options are available in a situation like this?

bp

Firstly call womens aid, they can listen and give all manner of advice.

Do you feel scared around him?

Do you have children? Financial commitments? Could you walk away?

Could counseling work for you/ both of you?

The current situation does not sound ideal

LegacyUser

Do you have any examples that might guide people trying to come up with solutions to help you?

SCBO

Thanks for your reply and suggestions. Unfortunately I can't walk away it's not within my financial capabilities. I guess if I could this wouldn't be happening because I would have been gone by now.

SCBO

Thank you all for your suggestions.

Neyite

Have a read through this checklist and see how much of it you tick off. It will help you clarify what's normal and what isn't - it's been copied from the Women's Aid website.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
• He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

None of these are healthy in a relationship.



A book that I found very helpful was Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that. If you can, buy that book and read it. If it's safer, it's also available in Kindle format to use on an E-reader, and with the Kindle app you can download it to your phone to read - assuming that he doesn't monitor your phone or other devices.



Finally, women's aid are brilliant. They cover ALL bullying behaviour. Just because you aren't being beaten it does not mean that abuse does not occur. They recognise that the non-physical forms of abuse such as psychological, financial, coercive and emotional abuse do as much, and sometimes more damage than physical abuse such as hitting or sexual assault:

What is physical abuse?

Physical abuse is perhaps the most recognisable form of abuse. It can result in physical injury, and in some cases it can be life threatening. It doesn't always leave visible marks or scars. Having your hair pulled or an egg thrown at you is domestic violence too. Don't underestimate what is happening to you. Over time it often gets worse.
It includes:

• being pushed
• being punched and slapped.
• being beaten with sticks, golf clubs, hurley sticks, hammers and belts.
• being stabbed with knives or broken glass.
• being gagged to stop the screams during physical assaults.
• being spat and urinated on.
• being bitten severely, being pulled by the hair.
• being beaten and raped while pregnant, being thrown down the stairs while pregnant.
• having your head banged off walls and car dashboards.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a highly effective means of establishing a power imbalance within a relationship. It is often unseen or intangible to those outside the relationship. Emotional abuse is as harmful as physical violence. It often involves threats of and actual physical or sexual abuse.
It includes:

• being put down
• being constrantly criticised
• being constantly controlled and monitored by the use of technology: including their phone use being checked and recorded; their mobile phone logs being checked and having all text messages read; abusers using spyware to read emails and secretly installing cameras in the house.
• threats by the abuser to kill women, the children, members of women's family, or himself, including details of how and when he will do it.
• property being destroyed including their cars, furniture, clothes, and home.
• being referred to using derogatory language including calling women 'it', 'bitch'.
• being trapped as the abuser takes their car keys, empties the petrol from their cars, and steals or smashes phones so women cannot seek assistance.
• never being left on their own; women being followed room to room; being accompanied to all outside activities.

What is sexual abuse?

Where there is a dynamic of control and abuse in an intimate relationship, the likelihood of sexual coercion and abuse is high. It is harder for women who are being abused by their partner to negotiate a free and equal sexual relationship with that partner.
It includes:

• being repeatedly raped and beaten; being forcibly stripped and raped; being told that it is their duty to have sex with the abuser.
• being raped in front of the children.
• being raped when particularly physically vulnerable, e.g., directly following childbirth.
• Sexual degradation including the enforced use of graphic and hardcore pornography.

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. It is a tactic that abusers use to gain power and dominance over their partners and is designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. By controlling the woman's access to financial resources the abuser ensures that she will be forced to choose between staying in an abusive relationship and facing extreme poverty.
It includes:

• Controlling the family finances
• Not being allowed to have independent income
• Having to account for all purchases including providing receipts and account for all spending.
• Not being allowed to buy personal items such as tampons and sanitary towels.
• Taking all of the woman's bank cards and emptying joint accounts.
• Non-payment or erratic payment of child maintenance.
• Women's signatures being forged on cheques.
• Withholding money because women do not want to have sex.
• Denying money for food for women and the children and money to pay household bills.
• Using the recession to justify the abuse

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SCBO

No I'm financially incapable of going anywhere. My family live in a different part of the country. If I could leave, if I had any way of going I would have gone. First thing yesterday morning, he was in my room starting again. If I don't comply with his wish then there will be a negative outcome. This morning there was another argument and I'm being told I have wrinkles and that I should leave etc. PS, I don't have that many wrinkles. haha.

Airyfairy12

Can you go to your family? Have you called women's aid? are you working?

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SCBO

Went out early this morning and stayed gone up until now. I came home and immediately the trouble started, I went upstairs to avoid him and he came after me shouting very very loudly. He said he will show me how wicked he can be.....I'm starting to believe this at this stage. He went off in the car just now, so I have a break.

tomwaterford

SCBO wrote: »

Went out early this morning and stayed gone up until now. I came home and immediately the trouble started, I went upstairs to avoid him and he came after me shouting very very loudly. He said he will show me how wicked he can be.....I'm starting to believe this at this stage. He went off in the car just now, so I have a break.

Leave now?

SCBO

Impossible. Believe me when I tell you I have no place to go. My situation is unusual, complicated and can't be expressed here, but there is no place to go. I will try and come up with a way of coping, but I'm getting nervous, the anger was very strong tonight.

Caranica

At least pick up the phone and call women's aid. Take advantage of him being out and talk to someone you can tell the whole story to. Please

lemmno

SCBO wrote: »

Impossible. Believe me when I tell you I have no place to go. My situation is unusual, complicated and can't be expressed here, but there is no place to go. I will try and come up with a way of coping, but I'm getting nervous, the anger was very strong tonight.

You cannot stay there. Do you have any friends at all within driving distance?

lemmno

SCBO wrote: »

Impossible. Believe me when I tell you I have no place to go. My situation is unusual, complicated and can't be expressed here, but there is no place to go. I will try and come up with a way of coping, but I'm getting nervous, the anger was very strong tonight.

You cannot stay there. Do you have any friends at all within driving distance?

December2012

CALL women’s aid

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nikkibikki

There are refuges you can go to. Seriously, call women's aid. They will know what to do and will be able to tell you where you can go.

LaLa2004

Do you think you can put up with this for the rest of your life? Maybe you could take steps in the right direction. Phoning Women's Aid is s must.

Smile111

Please ring Womens aid. They have refuges you can stay in and you will be safe there.
Ring today before it gets worse.Remember that time you thought it could not get any worse
Be strong, it is hard but it is the best thing you can do for your own happiness.x

ruahead

Get out.. it will not improve. It is hard but you know it's right. Just do it, no more thinking.

ruahead

Get out.. it will not improve. It is hard but you know it's right. Just do it, no more thinking.

up for anything

SCBO wrote: »

Thanks for your reply and suggestions. Unfortunately I can't walk away it's not within my financial capabilities. I guess if I could this wouldn't be happening because I would have been gone by now.

If you are able to go out all day and stay out then you can leave. Put together your important documents such as passport/ID/driving licence/PPS No and get them into your handbag. Then leave as if you were doing your normal thing. Go to a Citizens Advice Bureau or the Gardaí and ask for help to get to a women's refuge. You DON'T need money to leave, to get to the refuge or to go into one. Once you are there they will provide clothes, temporary food while they sort you out with social welfare, usually from the Community Welfare Officer who will come to the refuge and legal aid if necessary. Once in the refuge you will have the staff to speak to who are very understanding and know that abuse takes many forms.

If you are a non-national don't worry, they will look after you just the same. If you are illegal in the country and that's why you say your situation is different/complicated etc, then still go, they will look after you and help you. Nothing is worth the resignation you seem to be feeling that you are beyond help. If you are a man you can still get help except instead of Women's Aid or Safe Ireland, you need to contact Amen but either of the women's groups will put you in contact them anyway.

Please stop with the coping and get out of there. Once out you can assess your situation again.