New relationship advice

TTour

Hi, I was hoping you guys could give me some advice please. I’ve recently started to date a guy and we get on famously when we are together; share the same tastes in travelling, food, music etc. He’s separated with kids, has the kids every 2nd week so we only get to see each other every 2nd weekend. During the time we are apart he’s not great at staying in touch. A few weeks ago I came across a message on his phone from someone saying that they loved him, he told me that this was an ex that was stalking him and that there was nothing to worry about. He showed me the texts and sure enough it was all one sided. He promised me he hasn’t dated anyone else since we started dating and that he really likes me, that I can trust him and he would never hurt me. We kissed and made up, very stupidly had unprotected sex. He had to go to work the next morning and said he would be back later that day. Much later in the evening he sent a text saying sorry that he got caught up with work. As I thought he was calling back I spent the day waiting on him - I wanted to iron out the communication problems with him, as in he doesn’t call when he is supposed to, makes arrangements to see me and he doesn’t follow them through and also the fact that I had to get the morning after pill (50% my fault as well, I know). I really like him and wanted to see if you guys had any advice to give on what to do about the lack of communication when we are not together. Thanks

Mr. Incognito

TTour wrote: »

so we only get to see each other every 2nd weekend. During the time we are apart he’s not great at staying in touch.

Run a mile.

The messages were probably from his last mistress till he got you.

Dixie Chick

Do you have any mutual acquaintances who can vouch for his status besides his word? Are you friends on facebook, have you met any of his friends or are you in your own compartment in his life?

As for the MAP, no big deal, these things happen I don't really understand why you needed him to get this or maybe I picked that up wrong.

Aspadeaspade

He’s separated with kids, has the kids every 2nd week so we only get to see each other every 2nd weekend. During the time we are apart he’s not great at staying in touch.

The fella sounds like he's playing you OP. Learn to trust your gut instinct, it's never wrong! I would start to distance myself immediately. This is probably the kind of behaviour that got him separated in the first place.. be prepared for him to turn it up a few notches and give you what you want when he realises you're backing off.. but it's not because he cares, it's just so he can have his cake and eat it. You're single with no children, you don't need this kind of thing in your life OP. Good luck!

timmy880

I'm sorry but I don't think this is really going to work. If he has kids every second week that doesn't mean you can only spend time together every second weekend. There are evenings during the week where he doesn't have the kids? And getting caught up in work (I hate people who say this unless they're a brain surgeon or lawyer) and not getting back to you the day after having sex is all a bit odd. If you're this worried about it now then the doubts are only going to get worse and worse as time goes on. This is supposed to be the fun part where things are relatively straightforward and communication is at it's most constant because it's new, fun and exciting! It doesn't sound that way at all.

redfox123

Depends what his lack of contact is, does he leave it days without contacting you? Does he not reply or call you back? Apart from this it looks like you want more than seeing him every second weekend, have you communicated this? At the start of most relationships you gradually get to see each other more as you get to know each other. How long have you been together? Has he told his family and friends about you? These are things that indicate whether it's going anywhere or not.

lazybones32

Recently started dating and already you "happened" across texts in his phone!!!?😂

When he's with his kids, he's with his kids. You will be second. Replying to texts is annoying or unimportant to some men, so it could be genuine. Not meeting when supposed to, is different though. Once or twice is understandable but a communication should inform you that he won't be attending. If you're not worth texting, you're a bit on the side or booty call...at best. Or maybe he is very casual. Who knows?

December2012

It’s only early days. Why does he have to communicate with you when he doesn’t see you, and why are you waiting around for his texts?

I assume the man works, also has kids and presumably his own time during the week?

If he didn’t have kids you may only be seeing each other at weekends anyway.

Don’t start giving out a few weeks in if everything else is great.

redfox123

Yes as an above poster said, you happened to come across texts on his phone? Wth, how?! Are you really snooping at this early stage? And I don't think it's unusual to not see someone you've just started dating during the week, especially if they work long hours.

RhubarbCrumble

Are you sure he's actually separated OP?

TTour

Dixie Chick wrote: »

Do you have any mutual acquaintances who can vouch for his status besides his word? Are you friends on facebook, have you met any of his friends or are you in your own compartment in his life?

Thanks Dixie Chick. No, we don't have any mutual acquaintances, we're not on FB (tho he did suggest to add him as a friend a while back). So far have not met any of his friends.

As for the MAP, no big deal, these things happen I don't really understand why you needed him to get this or maybe I picked that up wrong.

Didn't need him to get it, I suppose I wanted him to acknowledge half of the responsibility

TTour

Timmy880 - He has the kids a lot during the week. He suggested in the past that we meet mid week but would cancel and say something had come up. The working late and not letting me know until later in the day was pretty poor and hacked me off to be honest. I agree, this should be the fun part and not hard work. Thanks for the advice

TTour

redfox123 wrote: »

Depends what his lack of contact is, does he leave it days without contacting you? Does he not reply or call you back? Apart from this it looks like you want more than seeing him every second weekend, have you communicated this? At the start of most relationships you gradually get to see each other more as you get to know each other. How long have you been together? Has he told his family and friends about you? These are things that indicate whether it's going anywhere or not.

redfox123 - Normally he contacts me every few days. Doesn't always call me back. You're right, I would like to see him more than every 2nd weekend and I have instigated meeting up mid week, but it never seems to happen. We're together almost 3 months now. He hasn't mentioned me to family and friends yet, I suppose he thinks it's early days.

TTour

lazybones32 wrote: »

Recently started dating and already you "happened" across texts in his phone!!!?��

When he's with his kids, he's with his kids. You will be second. Replying to texts is annoying or unimportant to some men, so it could be genuine. Not meeting when supposed to, is different though. Once or twice is understandable but a communication should inform you that he won't be attending. If you're not worth texting, you're a bit on the side or booty call...at best. Or maybe he is very casual. Who knows?

lazybones32 - I wasn't snooping on his phone, when he went out of the room the text message popped up. I understand when he is with his kids they're his focus, I've no problem with that. What's bothering me is the lack of commuication and making plans to see me midweek and then cancelling. Plus not calling when he says he will or returning my calls. Difficult to know whether he is treating me as a bit on the side.. if that's the case tho, why bother saying all those things like; he really likes me, he's not seeing anyone else, he won't hurt me. not easy to figure out

Is it really that odd for a father to want to spend time with his kids during the time he has? He has only every other weekend and it's the start of a new relationship.

I personally feel like the ex is asking for a lot and that it's really crappy for them to go through his phone.

TTour

December2012 wrote: »

It’s only early days. Why does he have to communicate with you when he doesn’t see you, and why are you waiting around for his texts?

I assume the man works, also has kids and presumably his own time during the week?

If he didn’t have kids you may only be seeing each other at weekends anyway.

Don’t start giving out a few weeks in if everything else is great.

December2012 - I'm not looking for him to communicate every day, I know he's busy as am I. But when he doesn't reply to my texts, call me when he says he will and cancels meeting up is what's bothering me. We're great when we're together yes, but I feel there should be a bit more communication/connection when we're not. Next time we meet I plan to bring this up

TTour

redfox123 wrote: »

Yes as an above poster said, you happened to come across texts on his phone? Wth, how?! Are you really snooping at this early stage? And I don't think it's unusual to not see someone you've just started dating during the week, especially if they work long hours.

I wasn't snooping on his phone, when he went out of the room the text message popped up. I'd like to see him during the week but if I can't that's fine. But when he suggests meeting up during the week and cancels is what I'm hacked off at. It's happened a couple of times where he would suggest meeting and then cancel (or not even mention it when the day comes along)

TTour

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

Are you sure he's actually separated OP?

Yes RhubarbCrumle, he's definitley seperated

TTour

Deleted User wrote: »

Is it really that odd for a father to want to spend time with his kids during the time he has? He has only every other weekend and it's the start of a new relationship.

I personally feel like the ex is asking for a lot and that it's really crappy for them to go through his phone.

boneyarsebogman - I suppose I should have been clearer, he has every 2nd weekend for himself, so has the kids for the rest of the time.
I don't really know whythe ex keeps texting him, when he showed me the texts there were dozens and he had not replied to any of them.

woodchuck

At best he sounds like a flake and a headwreck. At worst there is something more going on that you don't know about.

OP you only see each other once every 2 weeks and he's not great at communication in the meantime. Do you really see things progressing into something serious with him?

TTour

woodchuck wrote: »

At best he sounds like a flake and a headwreck. At worst there is something more going on that you don't know about.

OP you only see each other once every 2 weeks and he's not great at communication in the meantime. Do you really see things progressing into something serious with him?

Thanks Woodchuck. It is a complete head wreck. He is moving into his own place at the end of this month so I suppose I am hoping things might change then. I tried calling him over the weekend (he said to) and he didn't pick up. He text me the next day to say one of the kids were sick. I think you're right there is something else going on that I don't know about.

milli milli

Plus not calling when he says he will or returning my calls. Difficult to know whether he is treating me as a bit on the side.. if that's the case tho, why bother saying all those things like; he really likes me, he's not seeing anyone else, he won't hurt me. not easy to figure out

Always look at actions rather than words. In this case the actions are not matching up with the words, so be careful.
His kids will always be his priority, but you already know that. But he's not making any real effort with your relationship and in the early stages he should be. It doesn't sound very hopeful to me and tbh you deserve better.

Icepick

TTour wrote: »

I wasn't snooping on his phone, when he went out of the room the text message popped up.

Still none of your business.