Anxiety, dependent on boyfriend - Family trying to cause a rift!

ericaw12

So I’m in a relationship for 5 years with my boyfriend, despite us only being 21/22. We have quite a serious & committed relationship despite our age, and have been living together for 6 months now, and unofficially for longer. I suppose, the last year has been quite a difficult one for me, and I’ve a lot of personal/family issues, my parents have been ill, and as the eldest, a lot of responsibility fell on me.

With that stress, came panic attacks, anxiety and a dependence on my boyfriend and his family. Because the nature of my mother’s illness was to be kept private, the only ones outside my family I ever confided in were him and his family. I thought they would be a network of support, because we have quite a good relationship. Anyway, he was brilliant throughout the whole ordeal, and was always there for me, but I quickly realised that his family didn’t care quite as much as I had hoped, and failed to ever ask me how things were at home, or was I ok? Very occasionally.

I felt very down after that, knowing that they weren’t going to support me, even though they knew my family situation was in dire straits. I should also add that his dad is a very hard man to please, and I always feel uncomfortable and unwanted in his presence, and I know that he gives out about us being in such a committed relationship. Anyway, I have been going to counselling and realised that my dependency on my boyfriend has soared and I can’t bear to be without him, I’m so afraid to lose him – that’s my acute anxiety, I think something will happen to him every minute of the day, ridiculous and irrational, yet completely rational at the time. I never want to be without him, and get jealous at the thoughts of him spending time with his family – the ones who hurt me and continue to hurt me. Anyway, it has gotten to the stage where he’s almost always with me, and if not, he texts to let me know he’s ok. He has been subject to abuse over it by his parents saying that I’m controlling and he’s pathetic to be there at my beckoning call. I’ve noticed their attitudes have changed hugely towards me, quite cold and I know that they’ve been talking about me, and my family. I feel resentment towards them, and sadly towards him too, for not giving out to them more.

Whenever he goes home, they try make him realise how I’m treating him and are trying to turn him against me. Now, I know he’s stuck in the middle, and I don’t really know what my question is, but I feel very trapped. I no longer want to visit home every weekend, but he does, and he wants to stay the whole weekend at home with his family, and the week with me. I’m so unhappy in my home life, and so unhappy with the way his family have treated me, and then combine the anxiety and panic attacks along with that – I’m constantly fearing his safety; I just want to be with him at the weekends too to avoid all that, and he’s the one person in this world that I just feel content with, I just want to spend every second of my time with him. I don’t want to smother him either and he did mention feeling trapped and I’m not giving him his own space, but I don’t think he feels that smothered/trapped until he goes home and hears all this abuse, and feels under pressure to stand up to me, because he’s being called a puppet and the likes. He enjoys spending all the time with me, but they make him feel beyond guilty for it, which I don’t think is fair.

Am I overreacting? Am I too clingy? Do I suffer the unhappiness at my home so his family can win out and turn him against me, and so I can fear his safety every few minutes? And do I say something to his family? He gets very agitated with me whenever I say anything against his family, and usually just ends up defending them, so it’s a hard one to discuss.

And knowing that, I don't have much family support, they try turn their son on me, the one person who has gotten through me this entire thing.. because they fear it is affecting him and ask him if he's ok, he has a lot to deal with, and never ask me or worry about how much I have to deal with? They don't care how much my home life/anxiety is affecting me, I've never felt so letdown, I thought they would have supported me like they support him, I thought she would have taken me under her wing and mothered me, while mine was unable to do so, instead, starts making my boyfriend doubt everything. Biggest kick in the stomach to date.

GingerLily

I appreciate that you are in a rough place with your family OP, but your really dragging your boyfriend down with you.
Your relationship and neediness sounds too intense.

Nothing about your relationship sounds healthy, it's doomed if you can't give him breathing room.

Sammy2012

Wow! You need to let the poor chap have a break. Does he ever get to go out with his friends or you with yours? Do u have friends? I understand that you have a horrible family situation but it's so unhealthy to be that dependant on a person. You are 20 and 21 which is so young. You both should be enjoying your youth. I can understand why his parents and family are turning against you. It really is such an unhealthy way to be. And unless you lighten up a bit and stop the anxiousness I can't see your relationship lasting.

December2012

You are causing the rift.

You are being very controlling and needy. Your boyfriend does not have to fix yo or be there for you. What you are craving is unnatural and unhealthy and I wouldn’t like you if you were doing that to my son. You state that you are jealous of the time he spends with his family!

Your family circumstances do not make your behaviour acceptable.

You should seek some professional help. Your boyfriend should be fun, love, support and partnership. What you describe is oppression and smothering.

You need help for yourself and if you have any interest in a healthy relationship you need that help now.

ericaw12

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

Stheno

ericaw12 wrote: »

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

They are his family not yours

Stheno

ericaw12 wrote: »

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

They are his family not yours

Hitman3000

ericaw12 wrote:

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

OP I know this tough for you but your boyfriend's family now see you as a problem. You are by your own admission seeking to be with him every second of the day. That's not healthy especially for 2 young people. I ''ve experienced this with my own son, his partner at the time was putting unreasonable pressure on him to be her. Eventhough he was 22 at the time I stepped in. They are still together but she has (sorry for using the word) copped on to her behaviour.
You chose to confide in his family, what do you expect? Sorry to be a realist but they owe you nothing, their concern is their son and I have to be honest you are doing him harm. I suggest you get professional help and allow your bf a life before he decides to allow himself one.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you're young and have been in a relationship for a long time, and as such sort of maybe felt his family had become yours. But when all is said and done, he's their son and their concern and their loyalty is to him. They might care how you are to a degree, but they will always care more about how he is. Families often spot trouble in a relationship before the couple themselves are ready to see the trouble. And that is what is happening here. His family spot that you are putting an unhealthy pressure on him. You know yourself it is irrational and unhealthy, you're in counselling to deal with it. His family care more about him than you. That's just life.

Your family situation isn't their concern. But their son is.

You're too young for so much responsibility. So is your boyfriend. You have no choice in the matter, but his family understandably feel that he should have a choice.

Fall_Guy

ericaw12 wrote: »

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

Of course its OK, they have no obligation to look after you, on the contrary they feel obliged to protect their own son from hardship. Hardship that your actions are bringing upon him....i am not talking about your family situation, which is out of your control, but your own actions and attempts to control his movement.

You seem to want him to punish his family for perceived slights against you, and therefore feel that your attempts to control him are completely justified. But rationalising your own bad behaviour like that is a slippery slope and is no good for the old mental health in the long run.

I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, its a horrible position to be in. But unfortunately I fear that your actions (caused by your own hurt and fear of losing him) are ironically likely to be doing more to push your boyfriend away than any badmouthing from family could ever do.

cailin.

ericaw12 wrote: »

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

People do not have unlimited reserves of empathy and support to offer you.
The sense I get from your post is that your own needs around your anxiety and how tough it has been for you is the fundamental factor in why your relationship with your boyfriend is strained.

I understand you are having a tough time but you need to acknowledge you are putting him in an unfair position by expecting him to meet all of your emotional needs along with everything else. You need to build up your coping mechanisms too, whether it be with medication or therapy.

You don't mention friends or peer support OP, do you have anyone else in your life that you trust?

December2012

Nobody is under any obligation to take care of you. You're very young, but you're going to have to tackle these problems yourself. That does not mean you do it alone. It means that your personal life is one part of your life, and the way you process your problems (when it gets to such a level as it evidently is) is a different part of your life.

Thats why talking with a GP or a proper mental health professional can help (and it stays confidential).

Honestly, what exactly do you expect them to do? And why would you expect them to do it? To do more for you than your own family?

SB_Part2

His family aren't trying to cause a rift, you are. They are trying to protect him and rightly so.

Your behaviour isn't normal. He should be able to visit his family/friends whenever he feels like it. His family have no obligation to you or your family circumstances. Sure, it'd be lovely if they ask but maybe they feel like it's none of their business to pry?

What do you want to happen?

coolcat63

I absolutely get where previous posters are coming from but this is a young girl who her boyfriend's family have known for 5 years and her parent(s) - who I assume they also know - are in a bad place? I would have thought that they would be more supportive after that length of time unless there's something in the background that is making his parents pull back.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, is there any chance you could break your original post up into paragraphs. Trying to read that wall of text is making it harder for people to digest what you've got to say.

Hitman3000

coolcat63 wrote:

I absolutely get where previous posters are coming from but this is a young girl who her boyfriend's family have known for 5 years and her parent(s) - who I assume they also know - are in a bad place? I would have thought that they would be more supportive after that length of time unless there's something in the background that is making his parents pull back.

Maybe the parents of the young lad have decided they have seen and heard enough and want their son out of what appears to me as a toxic /dependant relationship.

Dial Hard

coolcat63 wrote:

I would have thought that they would be more supportive after that length of time unless there's something in the background that is making his parents pull back.

There is - her unbelievably controlling behaviour.

ericaw12

Ok, maybe a little more background is needed, I'm with him 5 years, and have known his family for all that time. I would have considered to have a very strong relationship with his family, and thought that I could trust them and feel supported. The whole point of this thread was to see if people thought what his family did to me was wrong, and most of you don't think it is. So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.

GingerLily

His parents are distancing themselves from you because they are unhappy how you treat him.

cailin.

ericaw12 wrote: »

Ok, maybe a little more background is needed, I'm with him 5 years, and have known his family for all that time. I would have considered to have a very strong relationship with his family, and thought that I could trust them and feel supported. The whole point of this thread was to see if people thought what his family did to me was wrong, and most of you don't think it is. So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.

Of course not OP.

From what you have described it seems that your boyfriend and his parents have been your safety net for 5 years and are coming to a realisation that this is not feasible any longer.

You have transitioned from adolescence to adulthood expecting an intense level of support from your boyfriend and his family. But he is also young, and his family might want him to look after himself for a change.

No one is doubting you are in an awfully isolating and difficult space right now, but you need to accept the fact that you may need to start coping with things by yourself and that thought may seem overwhelming for you right now.

Dial Hard

ericaw12 wrote:

So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.

I suspect you're just going to disregard any posts that don't sympathise/agree with you, but here goes:

No, you don't have to be blood relatives to do any of that, but blood *is* thicker than water and right now they are more concerned about their son then they are you. As someone already pointed out, family and friends are often the first to spot causes for concern in a relationship and I suspect their raised eyebrows over your behaviour may have predated your bereavement. Unfortunately, it does sound like your recent issues have caused an escalation in behaviours that they were already aware of and worried about.

Hitman3000

ericaw12 wrote:

Ok, maybe a little more background is needed, I'm with him 5 years, and have known his family for all that time. I would have considered to have a very strong relationship with his family, and thought that I could trust them and feel supported. The whole point of this thread was to see if people thought what his family did to me was wrong, and most of you don't think it is. So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.

Do you seriously see no issue with your behaviour towards your bf? Of course his family are concerned. If my son's gf behaved as you do I would move heaven and earth to end the relationship. Sorry to be blunt but you need a wake up call. He's your bf his existence is not solely for your benefit. Again I'll repeat myself you need to get professional help to deal with your issues and stop projecting onto his family.

SB_Part2

What kind of support and care do you want them to give you?

ericaw12

Of course I see an issue with my behavior. Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to depend on someone? Do you think I want to cause this drama? I wouldn't be putting it up here for everyone to judge - if I didn't think it was wrong in some way. It's just such a lonely process when you cancel out him and his family, I just thought I had contacts I could trust, and it just feels like I have been betrayed in that sense. Yes, I know what I'm doing isn't right but it's very hard to reverse the dependency - believe me.

Hitman3000

ericaw12 wrote:

Of course I see an issue with my behavior. Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to depend on someone? Do you think I want to cause this drama? I wouldn't be putting it up here for everyone to judge - if I didn't think it was wrong in some way. It's just such a lonely process when you cancel out him and his family, I just thought I had contacts I could trust, and it just feels like I have been betrayed in that sense. Yes, I know what I'm doing isn't right but it's very hard to reverse the dependency - believe me.

Well if you understand all this, get/seek help. Both of ye are too young for the burden, his families loyalties are to him not you.

December2012

Can you look at it this way - you are not looking for less dependency. In a way, you are looking for more dependency, you are just redistributing it, so that it comes from the appropriate sources.

But you cannot keep putting this young man under the pressure you are doing. It is not fair.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you any friends? It sounds like he is your sole support, and maybe that is what they are concerned about. Have you isolated yourself from school/college friends? Has he become isolated from his friends?

GingerLily

OP, what positive things do you have going on in your life apart form your partner?

Do you work? Are you in College? Does he work? How do you financially support yourself?

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I can't help but think that getting into this serious and intense a relationship from such a young age was a bad thing for both of you. I felt stifled reading down through your post (thanks for breaking it up into paragraphs, by the way ). Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not seeing any evidence here of any lives you live outside of this relationship. Do either of you have friends you spend time with?

Sorry to say but going by what you've told us so far, I don't think a break-up would be the worst thing in the world. Certainly, if I was a member of your boyfriend's family, I'd rather he got to spread his wings and experience more life before settling down. I'm looking here at a 21 year old lad who appears to have had his life curtailed. If he was my brother I'd love to see him going travelling, playing on a football team, going on lad's weekends and having a wide circle of friends. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling this has been denied to him because he's with a woman who isn't listening to what he wants and who wants him around all the time. One who doesn't even want him to visit his own family. That is not healthy and it is something I'd genuinely worry about.

He did mention feeling trapped and I’m not giving him his own space, but I don’t think he feels that smothered/trapped until he goes home and hears all this abuse, and feels under pressure to stand up to me, because he’s being called a puppet and the likes. He enjoys spending all the time with me, but they make him feel beyond guilty for it, which I don’t think is fair.

Why were you not willing to listen to what he had to say here? Of course he feels trapped. Your anxiety and your neediness and clinginess are trapping and stifling him. I'm glad his family are saying this to him because what you're putting him through is utterly unhealthy. The truth hurts. Instead of accepting that there is a grain of truth in what he's saying, you've twisted it around to blame his family. You've declared that he's saying this under duress and that he's actually happy with spending all that time with you. You are the one who is being unfair, sorry to say.

I think the best thing for the two of you would be to dial this relationship way back. Stop living together, spend significantly less time together and work on fixing yourselves separately. I get the feeling neither of you has a clue how to exist as an independent adult because you've been together since you were little more than children. It would do both of you the world of good to as single people and to cultivate lives that don't involve this intense bubble.

wirelessdude01

ericaw12 wrote:

Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

They have nothing to do with you. Most families try and keep out of other families business.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know people have been quite harsh, but I hope you read the replies and take some of in on board. Nobody here is here to take a pop at you just for the craic. The advice being offered is being offered to try help you see what is actually happening within your relationship and with your bf's family.

A good point was made earlier about you not hearing what your bf is saying to you. He is telling you you are smothering him. You know you are smothering him, yet you are choosing to believe he doesn't really mean it and its coming from his family. Maybe it is coming from his family, but that doesn't mean he's not feeling it. You are both so young, and you are now trying to steer your relationship from a teenage romance into an adult relationship.

You seem to be in a blind panic, trying to cling to your "constant" and make sure he doesn't go anywhere. He's 21. He shouldn't have that pressure on his shoulders. It's possible to be a huge support to you, and also have the life of a 21 year old. You're only 20. You are going through a tough time, but as a 20 year old you need to try balance your family life, with your own life. Your relationship, your friends, your social life. You and your bf don't have to spend every minute together. It's unhealthy, and it is what's leading to this obsession and fear. You're going through a lot at a young age, and maybe you are trying to deal with something beyond your years.

Try to be 20. Life isn't going to be plain sailing, but if you can take time out, just to be you. To do nice, fun, things by yourself, with friends etc then it will give you the headspace and the emotional strength to deal with stuff.

At the moment there is no room for anything else in your life, only your bf. You need to try make room. Give yourselves space to be 20/21.