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Anxiety, dependent on boyfriend - Family trying to cause a rift!

  • 14-11-2017 7:54pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5


    So I’m in a relationship for 5 years with my boyfriend, despite us only being 21/22. We have quite a serious & committed relationship despite our age, and have been living together for 6 months now, and unofficially for longer. I suppose, the last year has been quite a difficult one for me, and I’ve a lot of personal/family issues, my parents have been ill, and as the eldest, a lot of responsibility fell on me.

    With that stress, came panic attacks, anxiety and a dependence on my boyfriend and his family. Because the nature of my mother’s illness was to be kept private, the only ones outside my family I ever confided in were him and his family. I thought they would be a network of support, because we have quite a good relationship. Anyway, he was brilliant throughout the whole ordeal, and was always there for me, but I quickly realised that his family didn’t care quite as much as I had hoped, and failed to ever ask me how things were at home, or was I ok? Very occasionally.

    I felt very down after that, knowing that they weren’t going to support me, even though they knew my family situation was in dire straits. I should also add that his dad is a very hard man to please, and I always feel uncomfortable and unwanted in his presence, and I know that he gives out about us being in such a committed relationship. Anyway, I have been going to counselling and realised that my dependency on my boyfriend has soared and I can’t bear to be without him, I’m so afraid to lose him – that’s my acute anxiety, I think something will happen to him every minute of the day, ridiculous and irrational, yet completely rational at the time. I never want to be without him, and get jealous at the thoughts of him spending time with his family – the ones who hurt me and continue to hurt me. Anyway, it has gotten to the stage where he’s almost always with me, and if not, he texts to let me know he’s ok. He has been subject to abuse over it by his parents saying that I’m controlling and he’s pathetic to be there at my beckoning call. I’ve noticed their attitudes have changed hugely towards me, quite cold and I know that they’ve been talking about me, and my family. I feel resentment towards them, and sadly towards him too, for not giving out to them more.

    Whenever he goes home, they try make him realise how I’m treating him and are trying to turn him against me. Now, I know he’s stuck in the middle, and I don’t really know what my question is, but I feel very trapped. I no longer want to visit home every weekend, but he does, and he wants to stay the whole weekend at home with his family, and the week with me. I’m so unhappy in my home life, and so unhappy with the way his family have treated me, and then combine the anxiety and panic attacks along with that – I’m constantly fearing his safety; I just want to be with him at the weekends too to avoid all that, and he’s the one person in this world that I just feel content with, I just want to spend every second of my time with him. I don’t want to smother him either and he did mention feeling trapped and I’m not giving him his own space, but I don’t think he feels that smothered/trapped until he goes home and hears all this abuse, and feels under pressure to stand up to me, because he’s being called a puppet and the likes. He enjoys spending all the time with me, but they make him feel beyond guilty for it, which I don’t think is fair.

    Am I overreacting? Am I too clingy? Do I suffer the unhappiness at my home so his family can win out and turn him against me, and so I can fear his safety every few minutes? And do I say something to his family? He gets very agitated with me whenever I say anything against his family, and usually just ends up defending them, so it’s a hard one to discuss.

    And knowing that, I don't have much family support, they try turn their son on me, the one person who has gotten through me this entire thing.. because they fear it is affecting him and ask him if he's ok, he has a lot to deal with, and never ask me or worry about how much I have to deal with? They don't care how much my home life/anxiety is affecting me, I've never felt so letdown, I thought they would have supported me like they support him, I thought she would have taken me under her wing and mothered me, while mine was unable to do so, instead, starts making my boyfriend doubt everything. Biggest kick in the stomach to date.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    I appreciate that you are in a rough place with your family OP, but your really dragging your boyfriend down with you.
    Your relationship and neediness sounds too intense.

    Nothing about your relationship sounds healthy, it's doomed if you can't give him breathing room.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,310 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    Wow! You need to let the poor chap have a break. Does he ever get to go out with his friends or you with yours? Do u have friends? I understand that you have a horrible family situation but it's so unhealthy to be that dependant on a person. You are 20 and 21 which is so young. You both should be enjoying your youth. I can understand why his parents and family are turning against you. It really is such an unhealthy way to be. And unless you lighten up a bit and stop the anxiousness I can't see your relationship lasting.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    You are causing the rift.

    You are being very controlling and needy. Your boyfriend does not have to fix yo or be there for you. What you are craving is unnatural and unhealthy and I wouldn’t like you if you were doing that to my son. You state that you are jealous of the time he spends with his family!

    Your family circumstances do not make your behaviour acceptable.

    You should seek some professional help. Your boyfriend should be fun, love, support and partnership. What you describe is oppression and smothering.

    You need help for yourself and if you have any interest in a healthy relationship you need that help now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5 ericaw12


    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    ericaw12 wrote: »
    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

    They are his family not yours


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  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    ericaw12 wrote: »
    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

    They are his family not yours


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,596 ✭✭✭Hitman3000


    ericaw12 wrote:
    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

    OP I know this tough for you but your boyfriend's family now see you as a problem. You are by your own admission seeking to be with him every second of the day. That's not healthy especially for 2 young people. I ''ve experienced this with my own son, his partner at the time was putting unreasonable pressure on him to be her. Eventhough he was 22 at the time I stepped in. They are still together but she has (sorry for using the word) copped on to her behaviour.
    You chose to confide in his family, what do you expect? Sorry to be a realist but they owe you nothing, their concern is their son and I have to be honest you are doing him harm. I suggest you get professional help and allow your bf a life before he decides to allow himself one.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,287 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, I know you're young and have been in a relationship for a long time, and as such sort of maybe felt his family had become yours. But when all is said and done, he's their son and their concern and their loyalty is to him. They might care how you are to a degree, but they will always care more about how he is. Families often spot trouble in a relationship before the couple themselves are ready to see the trouble. And that is what is happening here. His family spot that you are putting an unhealthy pressure on him. You know yourself it is irrational and unhealthy, you're in counselling to deal with it. His family care more about him than you. That's just life.

    Your family situation isn't their concern. But their son is.

    You're too young for so much responsibility. So is your boyfriend. You have no choice in the matter, but his family understandably feel that he should have a choice.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 776 ✭✭✭Fall_Guy


    ericaw12 wrote: »
    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?

    Of course its OK, they have no obligation to look after you, on the contrary they feel obliged to protect their own son from hardship. Hardship that your actions are bringing upon him....i am not talking about your family situation, which is out of your control, but your own actions and attempts to control his movement.

    You seem to want him to punish his family for perceived slights against you, and therefore feel that your attempts to control him are completely justified. But rationalising your own bad behaviour like that is a slippery slope and is no good for the old mental health in the long run.

    I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, its a horrible position to be in. But unfortunately I fear that your actions (caused by your own hurt and fear of losing him) are ironically likely to be doing more to push your boyfriend away than any badmouthing from family could ever do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭cailin.


    ericaw12 wrote: »
    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?


    People do not have unlimited reserves of empathy and support to offer you.
    The sense I get from your post is that your own needs around your anxiety and how tough it has been for you is the fundamental factor in why your relationship with your boyfriend is strained.

    I understand you are having a tough time but you need to acknowledge you are putting him in an unfair position by expecting him to meet all of your emotional needs along with everything else. You need to build up your coping mechanisms too, whether it be with medication or therapy.

    You don't mention friends or peer support OP, do you have anyone else in your life that you trust?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Nobody is under any obligation to take care of you. You're very young, but you're going to have to tackle these problems yourself. That does not mean you do it alone. It means that your personal life is one part of your life, and the way you process your problems (when it gets to such a level as it evidently is) is a different part of your life.

    Thats why talking with a GP or a proper mental health professional can help (and it stays confidential).

    Honestly, what exactly do you expect them to do? And why would you expect them to do it? To do more for you than your own family?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭SB_Part2


    His family aren't trying to cause a rift, you are. They are trying to protect him and rightly so.

    Your behaviour isn't normal. He should be able to visit his family/friends whenever he feels like it. His family have no obligation to you or your family circumstances. Sure, it'd be lovely if they ask but maybe they feel like it's none of their business to pry?

    What do you want to happen?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 193 ✭✭coolcat63


    I absolutely get where previous posters are coming from but this is a young girl who her boyfriend's family have known for 5 years and her parent(s) - who I assume they also know - are in a bad place? I would have thought that they would be more supportive after that length of time unless there's something in the background that is making his parents pull back.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    OP, is there any chance you could break your original post up into paragraphs. Trying to read that wall of text is making it harder for people to digest what you've got to say.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,596 ✭✭✭Hitman3000


    coolcat63 wrote:
    I absolutely get where previous posters are coming from but this is a young girl who her boyfriend's family have known for 5 years and her parent(s) - who I assume they also know - are in a bad place? I would have thought that they would be more supportive after that length of time unless there's something in the background that is making his parents pull back.

    Maybe the parents of the young lad have decided they have seen and heard enough and want their son out of what appears to me as a toxic /dependant relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,496 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    coolcat63 wrote:
    I would have thought that they would be more supportive after that length of time unless there's something in the background that is making his parents pull back.

    There is - her unbelievably controlling behaviour.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5 ericaw12


    Ok, maybe a little more background is needed, I'm with him 5 years, and have known his family for all that time. I would have considered to have a very strong relationship with his family, and thought that I could trust them and feel supported. The whole point of this thread was to see if people thought what his family did to me was wrong, and most of you don't think it is. So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    His parents are distancing themselves from you because they are unhappy how you treat him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭cailin.


    ericaw12 wrote: »
    Ok, maybe a little more background is needed, I'm with him 5 years, and have known his family for all that time. I would have considered to have a very strong relationship with his family, and thought that I could trust them and feel supported. The whole point of this thread was to see if people thought what his family did to me was wrong, and most of you don't think it is. So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.

    Of course not OP.

    From what you have described it seems that your boyfriend and his parents have been your safety net for 5 years and are coming to a realisation that this is not feasible any longer.

    You have transitioned from adolescence to adulthood expecting an intense level of support from your boyfriend and his family. But he is also young, and his family might want him to look after himself for a change.

    No one is doubting you are in an awfully isolating and difficult space right now, but you need to accept the fact that you may need to start coping with things by yourself and that thought may seem overwhelming for you right now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,496 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    ericaw12 wrote:
    So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.

    I suspect you're just going to disregard any posts that don't sympathise/agree with you, but here goes:

    No, you don't have to be blood relatives to do any of that, but blood *is* thicker than water and right now they are more concerned about their son then they are you. As someone already pointed out, family and friends are often the first to spot causes for concern in a relationship and I suspect their raised eyebrows over your behaviour may have predated your bereavement. Unfortunately, it does sound like your recent issues have caused an escalation in behaviours that they were already aware of and worried about.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,596 ✭✭✭Hitman3000


    ericaw12 wrote:
    Ok, maybe a little more background is needed, I'm with him 5 years, and have known his family for all that time. I would have considered to have a very strong relationship with his family, and thought that I could trust them and feel supported. The whole point of this thread was to see if people thought what his family did to me was wrong, and most of you don't think it is. So now, you have to be blood relatives in order to care about others? You have to be blood relatives to ask how things are, and whether I'm holding up ok? And you have to be blood relatives to show a little support and care? My bad.


    Do you seriously see no issue with your behaviour towards your bf? Of course his family are concerned. If my son's gf behaved as you do I would move heaven and earth to end the relationship. Sorry to be blunt but you need a wake up call. He's your bf his existence is not solely for your benefit. Again I'll repeat myself you need to get professional help to deal with your issues and stop projecting onto his family.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭SB_Part2


    What kind of support and care do you want them to give you?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5 ericaw12


    Of course I see an issue with my behavior. Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to depend on someone? Do you think I want to cause this drama? I wouldn't be putting it up here for everyone to judge - if I didn't think it was wrong in some way. It's just such a lonely process when you cancel out him and his family, I just thought I had contacts I could trust, and it just feels like I have been betrayed in that sense. Yes, I know what I'm doing isn't right but it's very hard to reverse the dependency - believe me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,596 ✭✭✭Hitman3000


    ericaw12 wrote:
    Of course I see an issue with my behavior. Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to depend on someone? Do you think I want to cause this drama? I wouldn't be putting it up here for everyone to judge - if I didn't think it was wrong in some way. It's just such a lonely process when you cancel out him and his family, I just thought I had contacts I could trust, and it just feels like I have been betrayed in that sense. Yes, I know what I'm doing isn't right but it's very hard to reverse the dependency - believe me.

    Well if you understand all this, get/seek help. Both of ye are too young for the burden, his families loyalties are to him not you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Can you look at it this way - you are not looking for less dependency. In a way, you are looking for more dependency, you are just redistributing it, so that it comes from the appropriate sources.

    But you cannot keep putting this young man under the pressure you are doing. It is not fair.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,287 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Have you any friends? It sounds like he is your sole support, and maybe that is what they are concerned about. Have you isolated yourself from school/college friends? Has he become isolated from his friends?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    OP, what positive things do you have going on in your life apart form your partner?

    Do you work? Are you in College? Does he work? How do you financially support yourself?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    OP, I can't help but think that getting into this serious and intense a relationship from such a young age was a bad thing for both of you. I felt stifled reading down through your post (thanks for breaking it up into paragraphs, by the way :)). Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not seeing any evidence here of any lives you live outside of this relationship. Do either of you have friends you spend time with?

    Sorry to say but going by what you've told us so far, I don't think a break-up would be the worst thing in the world. Certainly, if I was a member of your boyfriend's family, I'd rather he got to spread his wings and experience more life before settling down. I'm looking here at a 21 year old lad who appears to have had his life curtailed. If he was my brother I'd love to see him going travelling, playing on a football team, going on lad's weekends and having a wide circle of friends. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling this has been denied to him because he's with a woman who isn't listening to what he wants and who wants him around all the time. One who doesn't even want him to visit his own family. That is not healthy and it is something I'd genuinely worry about.
    He did mention feeling trapped and I’m not giving him his own space, but I don’t think he feels that smothered/trapped until he goes home and hears all this abuse, and feels under pressure to stand up to me, because he’s being called a puppet and the likes. He enjoys spending all the time with me, but they make him feel beyond guilty for it, which I don’t think is fair.

    Why were you not willing to listen to what he had to say here? Of course he feels trapped. Your anxiety and your neediness and clinginess are trapping and stifling him. I'm glad his family are saying this to him because what you're putting him through is utterly unhealthy. The truth hurts. Instead of accepting that there is a grain of truth in what he's saying, you've twisted it around to blame his family. You've declared that he's saying this under duress and that he's actually happy with spending all that time with you. You are the one who is being unfair, sorry to say.

    I think the best thing for the two of you would be to dial this relationship way back. Stop living together, spend significantly less time together and work on fixing yourselves separately. I get the feeling neither of you has a clue how to exist as an independent adult because you've been together since you were little more than children. It would do both of you the world of good to as single people and to cultivate lives that don't involve this intense bubble.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,437 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    ericaw12 wrote:
    Ok, and what about the whole aspect of me confiding in his family and essentially getting ignored? That's ok?


    They have nothing to do with you. Most families try and keep out of other families business.


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  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,287 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, I know people have been quite harsh, but I hope you read the replies and take some of in on board. Nobody here is here to take a pop at you just for the craic. The advice being offered is being offered to try help you see what is actually happening within your relationship and with your bf's family.

    A good point was made earlier about you not hearing what your bf is saying to you. He is telling you you are smothering him. You know you are smothering him, yet you are choosing to believe he doesn't really mean it and its coming from his family. Maybe it is coming from his family, but that doesn't mean he's not feeling it. You are both so young, and you are now trying to steer your relationship from a teenage romance into an adult relationship.

    You seem to be in a blind panic, trying to cling to your "constant" and make sure he doesn't go anywhere. He's 21. He shouldn't have that pressure on his shoulders. It's possible to be a huge support to you, and also have the life of a 21 year old. You're only 20. You are going through a tough time, but as a 20 year old you need to try balance your family life, with your own life. Your relationship, your friends, your social life. You and your bf don't have to spend every minute together. It's unhealthy, and it is what's leading to this obsession and fear. You're going through a lot at a young age, and maybe you are trying to deal with something beyond your years.

    Try to be 20. Life isn't going to be plain sailing, but if you can take time out, just to be you. To do nice, fun, things by yourself, with friends etc then it will give you the headspace and the emotional strength to deal with stuff.

    At the moment there is no room for anything else in your life, only your bf. You need to try make room. Give yourselves space to be 20/21.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,478 ✭✭✭eeguy


    I was in the exact situation your bf is in when I was in my late teens.

    My gf at the time had problems at home and most of her friends had moved out to college. As a result I was always the go-to for everything.
    Now don't get me wrong, I loved her and its nice to have someone depend on you and make you feel important and essential, but it seriously wears you down over time.

    My family weren't overly fond of her and neither side made any attempt to reconcile. I was getting constant texts throughout the day, and repeated texts and calls if i didn't reply quick enough. She got jealous when in spent time with male and female friends without her, or made plans without consulting her.

    OP if you don't ease off he'll begin to see things from his parents point of view. I know you've been going through a sh*t time at home, but you have to be mature with how you manage your relationships. Look at things objectively.

    I hate to say as well, its rare that people stay with their first love, so just be aware there's a chance it may end.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Op, your problems aren't your boyfriend's problems. Your concerns aren't his family's concerns. They're not going to ask you are you okay and how you're doing every time they see you. I've a sick parent myself and when I see my bfs family I'd be mortified if they mollycoddled me and kept asking me how I was. Most people just let others get on with things, and most others don't want to be reminded 24/7 that they have a sick parent at home.

    Not only that- but you are absolutely being a controlling girlfriend, and I'm sure they can see that. You're not letting him breathe. You have no grounds to be jealous over him spending time with his family and I'm sorry but how dare you. Your behaviour isn't right, it's troubling to read and if he was my brother I'd be extremely concerned about him.


  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,978 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    I see in your first post that you are attending counselling, what does your therapist think about this?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 TheFitnessLife


    I think a lot of people should be ashamed of how they responded to this young woman that is clearly going through a really rough time.
    OP, I completely see your point. Ya would think the family of your partner of over 5 years would give you more support when they see how tough you and your family have it at the moment.

    And to anyone saying that the family are trying to protect their son from a 'toxic relationship', their sons girlfriend is going through a really tough time over the last few months/year, there's a reason she is acting the way she is, it's called strained mental health. She 22 years old for crying out loud and has no support from her own home, so I guess the right thing to do is advise her only support system to cut ties with her. Ya can't call it a toxic relationship when it could have been great before the OP's family situation changed.

    Her boyfriend 100% should be able to do what he pleases but could his family not help the OP out in her current predicament and offer support which in turn could free up her boyfriend for some more time to do what he liked.

    OP, definitely contact your GP or a mental health professional and they will be best placed to advise you on how to cope from here on out. Things will get better, that's a fact.

    Best of luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    And what about her boyfriend's mental health? Being smothered and argued with over petty nonsense isn't doing his any favours. He is his own person with his own thoughts and desires. He can't be her crutch 24/7 that is absolutely mental and totally draining. He needs breathing space and he can't even get that. The op really needs to talk to someone and be totally honest about how she's acting because it's not right or healthy for either of them.
    I get the impression that the op won't be happy until everyone is carrying her burden and that's just really unfair.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,596 ✭✭✭Hitman3000


    And to anyone saying that the family are trying to protect their son from a 'toxic relationship', their sons girlfriend is going through a really tough time over the last few months/year, there's a reason she is acting the way she is, it's called strained mental health. She 22 years old for crying out loud and has no support from her own home, so I guess the right thing to do is advise her only support system to cut ties with her. Ya can't call it a toxic relationship when it could have been great before the OP's family situation changed.


    Did you read the opening post in its entirety. It is quite possible that the OPs bf's family were indifferent to her at best. As her behaviour/needs changed his family viewed her in a different light. The OP seems to be dismissive of any negative response but admits to smothering behaviour. Lastly it is not the bf's families responsibility to be her 'carer' when he is busy doing what a 21 year old should do. She needs to continue with her counselling and allow her bf some space .


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    You are putting a totally unreasonable level of pressure on your bf and his family are trying to protect him from that. It must be extremely draining for him to be your crutch. The situation as described is doing neither of you any favours.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    You're kind of getting angry at some of the replies you're getting here, you're looking for support from us and it's mystifying you why we just can't see things from your point of view. See the problem here? You want things on your terms and if that does not happen then you start getting pissed off. You say you avd his family were once on good terms, these changes do not happen for no reason and more than likely his family have seen a huge change in the dynamic of how your relationship has changed. You have all the answers in your opening statement. Read it back, a good few times, break it down.


    Your BF now thinks it's normal to text you constantly to let you know that he is ok. This is not normal, you have taken your issues to such a level that your BF is now subjected to them and now feels obliged to Soothe you with whatever means necessary. He is probably feeling the strain and the stress and is more than likely talking to the people who matter to him most to get something's out of his system: His family. They in turn do not want to see their son suffer and have the joy and fun taken from his life and are naturally enough trying to pull him from this situation.

    His parents are in return not acting how you think they should act and are not giving YOU the support you deem to think is your right to receive and therefore they are a PROBLEM now. They are wrong and YOU are justified in being the wronged party. You should have your BF 24/7 and if anyone questions this then they are mean, cold, unsupportive and rightfully should feel your anger.

    You sound very vulnerable and lost and well done on posting your problem, deep down you know something is wrong with your behaviour and you want to fix it. You need to give your BF a break and you need to give yourself a break. Being in a healthy relationship is not turning it into a prison cell which although he probably won't admit it to you is probably how your bf feels and if you could see with clarity and which you absolutely don't, well you would see how you live in the same cell, imprisoned by your own thoughts, your own actions and most important imprisoning yourself and your bf in your own unhappiness.

    You need professional help, you need to speak and understand your actions. You need to understand and control yourself. You know you are very unhappy and you also know you need help to change. As for his family? You need to look at things from their point of view, their job is to protect their son first and foremost.

    Best of luck. With the right help and self awareness you will become a much healthier and happy person.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,287 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The problem with advising you what other people should be doing, is it's not going to help your situation. If everyone told you that your bf's family should support you, and should be there for you, and should ask how you are, what good would that do to your situation? Would you then go and show them the thread to tell them they need to be more supportive and change their ways?

    Before this all happened how was your relationship? With your bf? And with them? I'd find it unusual if you always had a good relationship that as soon as something happened in your family that his family immediately turned on you. Has this been gradual, over time? Maybe at the start they were concerned about you, and occasionally asked how you were? But over time there was a dramatic shift in your behaviour, which caused them to grow more concerned for their son?

    I'm not saying I don't believe you, but I think you are so upset and panicked now that your perception of what actually happened and the sequence it happened in might be a bit skewed. If they have always been nice to you, and you believed they would be a support to you, then chances are they were.... For a while. Until things took a bad turn. I think based on your expectation of your bf nothing but full total 100% support from them/him was going to be enough. Your bf is already doing a lot for you, but it's not enough. There's a chance his family offered some support, understanding, as Mich as people on the outside can, but it wasn't enough. Regardless of how or why or what happened to get you to this point, the fact is you are now in a very unhealthy relationship. His family see that. You see that.

    I keep saying how young you are, and maybe you don't believe that. Maybe you think you're old enough and mature enough to handle all this. But you're really not. You need help. You need support, and for whatever reason you're looking for it in the wrong place. You can't change them. But maybe by changing your own behaviour, you can influence the way they see you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 429 ✭✭Afroshack


    I have to echo all the sentiments on here OP. It sounds like you are creating this rift in your head when really, its just a family putting their sons needs first, and rightfully so.

    Have you any friends of your own you could talk to?

    Have you anything in your life outside of your relationship with your boyfriend?

    I think its time for you to explore other coping strategies and cut this family some slack - they have no obligation to care for you and they likely have stuff going on in their own lives. Everyone else is correct - your need for reassurance is smothering your relationship and his parents are right to be concerned for him. This isn't a dig at you OP, and I do hope you take all this on board.

    Good luck


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  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 81,101 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    I think you would be better off just ending the relationship and getting some distance from him and his family, all this stress isn't healthy for either of ye, not easy too do I know, just concentrate on yourself then and your own issues and your family and build yourself back up.

    I was in your boyfriends position twice before, smothered and controlled and it really annoys me that I let myself get in that position and couldn't see it at the time and didn't have the strenght too end the relationships.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5 ericaw12


    Well I really don't know what to do. No, I don't have a wide range of friends or family that I trust, or can confide in.I don't know how to reverse my actions. I don't know what steps to take, professional help - yes, but the cost bearing in mind I am the age I am? In a perfect world, that is the first thing I would do if I did have the money, because OBVIOUSLY my boyfriend's well-being is well worth the money, but the truth of the matter is, I just don't have it. Because we've been together so long, and been serious for so long, it's pretty impossible to strip it all back, especially with no support network. How does one strip things back and to what? Like what is normal after 5 years, how much time is spent together? He does have a wider circle of family and friends, which I'm glad he does. I've been in denial for a long time, refusing to believe I'm hurting him, but now I've realised, and I can't begin to describe the guilt. But I honestly do not know what to do with the resources I have? Do I just put him first and break up?


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,287 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Go to your GP. There are community counsellors, psychologists etc that you can see for free through the HSE. There might be a bit of a waiting list depending on where you are in the country, but help is there. You just need to ask for it.

    Why do you not have support outside of your bf? Do you work? Did you go to college? Did you have friends in school? Neighbours you grew up with. Having recognised that you are causing yourself and your bf a huge problem you are now in a position to be able to move past that. But do it in small steps. Next time your bf goes somewhere, as he goes out the door tell him to "enjoy". Tell him not to worry about texting you just to enjoy his day and you'll see him when he gets back. Better again, organise something for yourself to do. Reconnect with old friends. Join a hobby group or something to make new ones. I'd say over the years you drifted away frm everyone, because you had your boyfriend. You felt you didn't need anyone else. You do need others. And there's nothing wrong with having different groups of people that you know. You might not be "besties" with everyone, to be honest most people will onle have 1 or 2 true best friends, everyone else will be acquaintances that you share an interest with.

    (Here comes that line again ;) ) You are so young. Yet you are aware enough to realise you can't continue as you have been. Take baby steps to change your life, and your bf's. You're not a lost cause. You've been through a lot at such a young age. This is just another stepping stone, and learning block for you. Start with trying to reconnect with your own friends, and have a chat with your GP.

    I wish you well.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    You haven't really explained what resources you do have OP. It's very hard to advise.

    Can you make new friends? Can you get hobbies? Do you have any old friends that you can get back in touch with?

    What is your day to day life generally like?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 108 ✭✭hal9550


    <Snip> There is no need to quote an entire post

    Im not going to offer my opinion on the situation with your BF or his parents except to say that i would agree with many of the previous Posts.

    OP im not a doctor, but <Snip: You are not a doctor, so do not try to diagnose> there ARE SOLUTIONS AVAILABLE.. Honestly you will be amazed at what you will be able to accomplish, PERHAPS TODAY with help from your GP

    Go to your GP and explain it ALL, in detail. In my opinion, <Snip: You are not a doctor, so do not try to diagnose> it's no wonder you are having difficulties and that LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY is damaging your relationship. so EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, to your GP and DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE EMOTIONAL.. HE/SHE NEEDS TO SEE HOW SEVERE THIS IS, so do not sugar coat

    Medicinal Help is available from your GP and assuming it is offered, i would SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT. I can tell you that when i suffered from anxiety (Finishing college, breaking up with long term partner, family trouble all in a short space of time), i was placed on medication that made a RADICAL DIFFERENCE.. i honestly felt slightly more relaxed within hours and that grew over time. despite the reasons for my anxiety still being there, i was able to approach them with a clear head.

    Counseling: You can benefit from this, in my opinion. EXPLAIN your financial situation to your GP. Free counseling is available, and he will direct you to it.

    Please consider these measures OP. In my honest opinion, the issues you face are preventing you from thinking in a clear headed manner.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,287 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    hal9950, I apprecaite you are trying to help, but as per the site rules you are not permitted to offer medical advice or opinion. Even if you were as fully qualified psychiatrist you could not possibly diagnose someone online from a few lines of text. Before posting in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues again, please reread the Forum Charter to make sure you know the rules.

    Thanks,
    BBoC


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 108 ✭✭hal9550


    hal9950, I apprecaite you are trying to help, but as per the site rules you are not permitted to offer medical advice or opinion. Even if you were as fully qualified psychiatrist you could not possibly diagnose someone online from a few lines of text. Before posting in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues again, please reread the Forum Charter to make sure you know the rules.

    Thanks,
    BBoC

    Apologies i will re-read and remember in future


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 108 ✭✭hal9550


    As previously mentioned i have personal experience with feelings that are perhaps similar to what OP is going through.. Having re-read the charter, i will attempt to explain my own experience and how i got through it, in the hope that my experience will benefit OP in this case. If anything i type is seen as prohibited by the Mods i 100% understand and welcome snipping or deletion if necessary, and i apologize again for my earlier posts mistakes.

    MY STORY of Anxiety and how i got through.

    I was in second year of a mature student college course, and in what i considered to be a happy loving relationship. While i didnt get on with my parents, i felt confident that i could handle them. i was doing well in college, and was also confident in that sphere.

    The unfortunate reality of my situation was that the relationship was not healthy, and while both sides were to blame in simply 'walking on' as a couple, the cord eventually snapped, and we broke up. STRAIGHT AWAY, i found myself without a home, as having been renting a house with my partner i couldnt afford to remain where i was. ALONG WITH THIS, being a full time student, i could BARELY afford to live anywhere, and was considering moving home with one of my parents. FINALLY, i came to the realization that my parents were terrible people, and even if they tolerated ME, i could not tolerate them up close and personal.

    Given everything coming together, i began to become severely anxious, distressed, and terrified. Suddenly my once happy existence was replaced by a series of Questions that i was answering in my head

    • Where will i live.. Nowhere.. i have no where im in serious trouble
    • Who will stand with me and help - no one.. my ex is gone, my family are crazy, and im alone
    • Will i finish college? NO.. im totally banjaxed il never get through it
    • Will i ever find another GF/Partner.. NO.. im useless, who would want me
    • what about my mates.. Nothing they can do
    • Is there anything i can do??? .. no, just have a pint and blot it out, theres nothing i can do
    Of course this was all in MY HEAD.. but i didnt realize that, and firmly believed every one of those questions and answers. I drifted for weeks sleeping in my friends apartment and was FULLY CONVINCED that he didnt want me and id be homeless at ANY MINUTE


    Then at my mates urging, i went to my GP, and told him what was going on. I remember thinking how FOOLISH I WAS! Hes a Doctor for goodness sake, what can he do! IM NOT SICK, IM IN TROUBLE!!!


    He talked to me and prescribed medication to treat my anxiety, and put me in touch with a counsellor..



    and SUDDENLY in a matter of days, ALL OF THOSE ANSWERS SEEMED AS RIDICULOUS AS THEY ACTUALLY ARE.. The medication, within HOURS started to relax me, and i could see things clearer.. yes there were problems but .. they werent THAT BAD??.. and i began to see the reality of my situation. there were solutions to ALL of those issues but i could NOT SEE them while suffering the anxiety and depression, that days before, i would have HONESTLY CLAIMED wasnt actually there. With counseling i began to tackle all of my issues, and now years later i look back and i am SO THANKFUL i went to see my GP.. had i not, i dont know where i would be today


    Genuinely OP, talk to your doctor and explain what you are going through. Thats my honest advice


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 429 ✭✭Afroshack


    OP, I'm delighted that you are taking this advice on board. I know we probably all sounded mad harsh but please don't feel like anyone is ganging up on you. Sometimes when you're so heavily invested in something, its hard to see the woods from the trees (is that the phrase?) Anyways, I'm glad you've reached out and here are a few suggestions to help manage your anxiety outside of your relationship.

    1. Keep a journal. Record your mood and thoughts and try to spot patterns and triggers over time. Look at anything and everything you come into contact with that stimulates your anxiety. If not, just express everything. Purge it all up.
    2. Exercise. Cannot stress this enough. Training for a 10k helped me in the worst of my depression. Download the app and make a list of tunes, get out there. Walk, run, cycle, swim anything! I promise x1000 it helps
    3. Create a safe space in your home for relaxation. Cushions, candles, blankets, soft lights. Meditate here. Read. Practise mindfulness. No screens or phones.
    4. Take up a new hobby. Even something solitary you can do alone to distract you and give you a sense of purpose. I picked Duolingo, cooking, baking and Pokémon Go and the exercise, leaving the house and focus on small goals really helped. Didn't cost a penny.
    5. Sleep. 8 hours a night. Read before bed. No screens.
    6. Create small gratitude lists. What are you thankful for in your life?
    7. Be kind to yourself. Don't force yourself to do things you don't want to, or be with people who drag you down.
    8. Confide in your GP. You may not want meds or anything like that, but they do help while you take the time to get well.

    Best of luck OP.


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