I keep asking myself why ..

moocows

Just uncovered that my boyfriend, now ex, had been cheating on me. Relationship almost three years, cheating for probably most of it. 
He denied it and when confronted could only muster a ''I made a mistake'' without even facing me. Now he has put barriers up between us and refuses to answer my questions. 
The girls he was cheating on me with knew I existed. I am struggling with the fact that he was sleeping with them, and they are no where near me lookswise. There is nothing attractive about them. I cannot get my head around why he would do this, it is destorying me. 
I tried my best for us to work but he was very angry all the time, clearly because he was juggling these secrets. 
Why do men do this?

kylith

It's not about what they look like, it's about the fact that they were available. I'm afraid that your ex is just a scumbag who had no respect for you.

There are plenty men out there who won't do that. You'll find one, don't worry.

endacl

It's not men that go that. It's people.

GingerLily

This is not a character trait of men, lots of women also cheat on their partners because some people are assh*les.

Firstly - get yourself tested if you haven't already

Secondly - I think it is useless confronting him, he has no shame and will only lie to you to say whatever gets him in the least trouble.

How long have you been broken up?

moocows

Sorry, I guess women do it too. 
And I know I sound ignorant by describing them in that way but it is what it is. 
It is about being available isn't it, thats what I am looking to hear I guess. I am just trying to ease the pain.

moocows

GingerLily wrote: »

This is not a character trait of men,  lots of women also cheat on their partners because some people are assh*les.

Firstly - get yourself tested if you haven't already

Secondly - I think it is useless confronting him, he has no shame and will only lie to you to say whatever gets him in the least trouble.

How long have you been broken up?

Have done, first thing. 
You are right, the lies from him already are disgusting. 
It will be a month this weekend - I know it takes time but I am struggling.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there,

I'm a guy. It's totally dependent on the person.

Some people see cheating as the lowest of the low.

Some people see it as a cheap meaningless thrill.

The problem of course, is reliability and character.

Why do people cheat? Normally from a sense of insecurity that they have or an inability to be happy with themselves.

It is trying to fill a void for some people who are addicted to the thrill the same way others are addicted to smoking, or food or prescription medication.

Addicts and cheaters are experts at hiding it and his blocking you is a sympthom of his shame as having been discovered.

People like this will repeat the same destructive pattern. It's sad really. But all you can do is stay away. The relationship is over and you should burn every bridge as quickly as possible. They will move on to the next victim fairly quickly because they need to.

moocows

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm a guy. It's totally dependent on the person.

Some people see cheating as the lowest of the low.

Some people see it as a cheap meaningless thrill.

The problem of course, is reliability and character.

Why do people cheat? Normally from a sense of insecurity that they have or an inability to be happy with themselves.

It is trying to fill a void for some people who are addicted to the thrill the same way others are addicted to smoking, or food or prescription medication.

Addicts and cheaters are experts at hiding it and his blocking you is a sympthom of his shame as having been discovered.

People like this will repeat the same destructive pattern. It's sad really. But all you can do is stay away. The relationship is over and you should burn every bridge as quickly as possible. They will move on to the next victim fairly quickly because they need to.

Mr.Incognito, I think this was the answer I was looking for. It is simple really isn't it. I wish people didn't destroy something that could of been good for these reasons. It makes sense, as an addiction. 
Thanks

Mr. Incognito

No problem.

The main take away is that it isnt you, or anything to do with you. You are perfect just the way you are.

It's just someone with a problem that they are not in control of and are on a path to self destruction.

I speak from experience having been that person.

It will take your ex a long time to come to terms with his issues and most people dont want to face up to that harsh reality.

And with Tinder, and other dating apps there is an entire industry servicing people who want casual flingts.

Sex is as addictive as anything else that brings pleasure.

Happy healing. Take some time out from dating and discover you again.

Dial Hard

It's not universal but I read a study before that found that when men cheat, they generally cheat "down" i.e. with a woman less attractive than their partner. There were various reasons for it but they essentially boiled down to a Madonna/whore complex and being able to justify it to themselves in their own heads.

But in reality, does it really matter that these women are "below" you in looks? Would you feel any better if they were all stunners? No. You'd be in the exact same situation you are now.

Your ex is a cheating asshole. You're not going to get over that discovery in a month. Stop beating yourself up over "Why?" and "Why these women?" and concentrate your energy on looking after yourself.

eet fuk

At least you found out now rather than 10/20 years down the line. Try to see it as an opportunity to enjoy being by yourself again and meet new people.

I’d be the type of person that would be broken if I found out that someone cheated on me, no matter how I try to spin the situation in my head. My suggestion is to cut all ties and remove any potential temptations to get in touch with him again... cause it will be tempting for some reason. Keep yourself busy and try meditation if you haven’t already

moocows

Dial Hard wrote: »

It's not universal but I read a study before that found that when men cheat, they generally cheat "down" i.e. with a woman less attractive than their partner. There were various reasons for it but they essentially boiled down a Madonna/whore complex and to being able to justify it to themselves in their own heads.

But in reality, does it really matter that these women are "below" you in looks? Would you feel any better if they were all stunners? No. You'd be in the exact same situation you are now.

Your ex is a cheating asshole. You're not going to get over that discovery in a month. Stop beating yourself up over "Why?" and "Why these women?" and concentrate your energy on looking after yourself.

I guess that is where the curious side of me comes out. I have always tried to understand the behaviors of others, even when it can't be understood. I think if they were better looking than me then I might understand, but I can't get my head around it.

Mr. Incognito

moocows wrote: »

I guess that is where the curious side of me comes out. I have always tried to understand the behaviors of others, even when it can't be understood. I think if they were better looking than me then I might understand, but I can't get my head around it.

This is the path of madness because then you are making apologies for them in your head. Oh its not his fault because xyz.

It's bollox.

When we love someone we make excuses for their behaviours.

You cannot "fix" this person with understanding. It simply will allow you to come to terms with it but your hate is necessary to get you the hell away from them. Understand them later when you are not in harms way of this destructive behaviour.

moocows

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This is the path of madness because then you are making apologies for them in your head. Oh its not his fault because xyz.

It's bollox.

When we love someone we make excuses for their behaviours.

You cannot "fix" this person with understanding. It simply will allow you to come to terms with it but your hate is necessary to get you the hell away from them. Understand them later when you are not in harms way of this destructive behaviour.

I will never forgive. But i do want to understand.. otherwise im driving myself mad.

Addle

moocows wrote: »

I will never forgive. But i do want to understand.. otherwise im driving myself mad.

But trying to understand will drive you mad. Don't make excuses for him.

Dial Hard

moocows wrote:

I will never forgive. But i do want to understand.. otherwise im driving myself mad.

But it's the trying to understand that will drive you mad. When my marriage ended those tiny words "why" and "if" nearly drove me into a breakdown.

The fact of the matter is that your ex may not even know why he did it, other than the fact that the opportunity presented itself. There may be absolutely no reasoning behind it other than that. In which case, you killing yourself trying to come to some grand understanding is only going to prolong your suffering. Sometimes there is no "why", there's only the fact that it happened.

The questioning process you're going through is perfectly natural and understandable. But you need to be aware that there will probably come a point where you'll have to make your peace with never fully understanding why he did this.

beefburrito

I was in the same boat recently, well rid....
She was rampant on Tinder....even tried to organise an evening of dubochery with a friend of mine....
He knew her but she didn't know him....
Now she's on POF at the same thing....
Let them to it....
I empathize with your situation,I have to ask myself why im attracted to these spontaneous types....
We were together 8 month's...
Hopefully you'll move on quickly...

WIZWEB

He's now your ex and rightly so. Believe it or not as callous as his actions are he doesn't owe you any response. At least not in his head now you're done. Even if you do eventually get an 'explanation' it will most likely be lies an area he is astute at. The quicker you accept that you'll never get closure the easier it will be to move on.

Comparing yourself to his pursuits is setting yourself up for a fall. You know of some of them possibly not all. What will it really achieve for you if you discover a conquest who is 'better looking' than you? More unanswered questions and insecurities I feel. The ones you know of were easy options. Excessively hurt feelings are normal but concentrate on you not him or them. Get off this emotionally destructive rollercoaster ride. Cut off all contact.

I'm a male in my mid forties who's never cheated but has been cheated on.

cailin.

moocows wrote: »

I will never forgive. But i do want to understand.. otherwise im driving myself mad.

I really empathise with you OP. Sorry you're having such a crap time the last few weeks.


The truth is, there is no real reason. There isn't a specific reason as to why someone cheats when they're in a commited relationship but it's a decision that is made either way.
It isn't you or anything you have done.
It isn't because you nagged him about making effort or because you made his life difficult.
It isn't because he emotionally withdrew and you should have seen the signs.
It isn't you or anything you have done.

It's because he made sh1t decisions centred around his own needs at the time.
I can imagine you are going through the stages trying to deny it is as bad as it is, trying to rationalise it, plead that it means something different or try to find some explainable excuse for his actions. It is normal to be angry and also miss him, and the person you thought he was. This will pass over time.

The really hard thing your brain will do is romanticise particular moments trying to make sense of it. If you can accept that there is no sense to it it will be easier to separate yourself from. This isn't a reflection on you it is a reflection on him.

Be good to yourself. Be angry. Be sad. Do all of those things you need to grieve the loss of a significant relationship.

You will come out the other side. As time goes on your pain and hurt will help protect you. Block him on all social media and do not meet up to hear any excuses from him. Silence will be harder for him to deal with than it will for you.

The best thing you can do is mind yourself and surround yourself by positive and reliable people. Try something new, a class, hobby and most importantly keep busy.

You will look back on this in the New Year and thank yourself you ended it.

LegacyUser

I discovered my partner was cheating after years of a faithful relationship. It turned out that there was a lot of unhappiness that had built up, unspoken about, and that I was unaware of. I didn’t let on to my partner that I was aware of what was happening, mostly so I could figure out what I wanted to do about it, and to see if my partner would choose to be honest at some point. They were not, and opted, in the face of many opportunities to come clean, to continue with lies. If there’s anything that I’ve learned it’s that the urge to dissemble, lie and evade rather than admit to poor decision-making and deceit is just as strong in adults, as it is in kids.

Despite hating the lies, and the sh!t treatment I’d been dealt, I couldn’t just walk away - in my case there had been years of happiness and this seemed like an aberration. I asked why, and the answers gradually came, and none of them were consoling or easy to hear. I reckon the only reason to seek out answers is if you believe there’s any good can come from trying to rebuild the relationship. In our situation, it was clear to me that this was the case. If my partner had cheated from the beginnings of the relationship, I doubt I’d have asked myself ‘why’ for too long. The choice to cheat is down to the one who cheats - as others have said, their motivations are their own concern - nobody pushed them into it. I don’t pretend to excuse my partner’s choice to cheat - it was wrong. Anything that I’m responsible for in putting my partner into a place where they then chose to cheat is a different story - I’ll take my share of blame for contributing to or causing unhappiness, but as to the ‘why’ of unfaithfulness - that’s not anything I’ve to answer to.

Your fellah opted to cheat from the get-go - you’ve nothing to answer to, and most likely, he’ll not really know why he did what he did. Don’t knock yourself out about it.

moocows

Thanks all for your responses. 
Some great advice and words I needed to hear.

Sephiroth_dude

Don't waste anymore time thinking about this gob ****e, you had a lucky escape, keep telling yourself that.

banoffe2

Hi OP
Trying to analyse why he did this will wreck your head and take over if you allow it to, giving someone who has betrayed you free rent in your head. It early days and the process will take time, you can and will get through this. Be good to yourself, OP and be kind to your mind, you are not responsible in any way for his behaviour. x