Marriage mess

LegacyUser

I would appreciate some advice. My wife and I married with about 11 years ago and now have 2 kids aged 6 and 9. It wasn't exactly planned as after a year of meeting she became pregnant. I was happy she got pregnant as I wanted kids, to a lesser a degree I wanted to be married. I knew I wasn't head over heels about her but I was happy.

My wife would be a fairly cold person. She wouldnt really have many friends apart from her family. I have a good few friends however I don't see them too often. Over the last four years our marriage has turned into a partnership based on raising kids. We have stopped having sex, mostly through a condition my wife has.

I have been feeling very lonely lately. I feel I am in a mess of my own making and there is nothing I can do. I see my friends once a month but I can't talk to them about this as it is too heavy, and I wouldn't know where to start. I also feel that they would be thinking 'I knew he made a mistake'. To be honest I don't think my family or friends like my wife. They don't dislike her she is just not an easy person to warm too.

To compound my problems, an ex who I always thought of as "the one" has moved in around the corner from me. I am finding myself thinking about how happy we were together (15 years ago). We were together for four years but broke up because I wanted to party than settle.

My head is wrecked with everything. I have no one to talk to, or even the words to explain it. The ex, who is in a relationship, wants to chat but I can't handle it. I think I am losing the plot. I love my kids and don't want to ruin their childhood by leaving my wife. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry which I haven't done in 20 years ...

WIZWEB

I could give you several responses but I'm going to concentrate on the key ones. See a professional counsellor alone at first. A few guided sessions should be of benefit to achieve emotional clarity. Then have an honest and open conversation with your wife. From there you can either plan your exit or if viable pursue joint relationship counselling with her. If she refuses to participate then give an ultimatum that you are leaving her. You state your wife is a cold person yet you married her while only lukewarm. Regarding the ex the grass is always greener and all that. The fact she is currently in a relationship and wants to 'chat' with you says a little about her character too.

Tokyo

I think that you are talking about two distinct issues here OP - your attraction to your ex, and your unhappiness with your marriage - and you need to separate both, before you start thinking of one as a solution to the other. It's not.

With respect to your marriage - you talk about various issues you have with your wife, but you don't mention anything about whether you want to save your marriage or not. Have you spoken to your wife about your concerns with respect to your marriage, both the physical and the mental side of things? What was her response? Are you both invested in this marriage enough to want it to continue? All questions you must answer honestly to yourselves, before you decide how to move forward.

Assuming you both do want to work on your marriage, then I'd strongly recommend speaking to a professional, such as a marriage counsellor, about this. You say that you wouldn't know where to begin speaking about this with your friends - a good counsellor is trained in these issues, has heard it all before, and will give you unbiased advice. They may be able to help you both hone in on the problems you are facing, and work on them.

With respect to your ex - being anything more than friends for now is asking for trouble. If you decide that your marriage shouldn't continue, it's better to do so on its own merit, rather than because you have a potential backup plan. Once you are free (if that is what happens), then you can decide what you want to do then, but to do anything now will only serve to sabotage any relationship you have with your children, and any possible future friendship or relationship with your ex. For now though, focus on your family.

Yellow pack crisps

Excellent,excellent advice from mike.ie. read it a few times.

I say this not to be antagonistic, but you wrote this post and put all the blame on your wife and it coincided with your ex coming back on the scene. Sure you take some responsibility but ultimately your wife is cold, distant and people don't really like her or at best ignore her. Ever ask is she ok? Have you ever asked her does she want to fix your broken marriage? That should be the first call, you both seem very lonely and unhappy people who exist and not much more. It's time to be brave for everyone's sake.

Xterminator

Hi OP

IMO A marriage is not a person, or a couple of people - its something you build between you. Communication, affection, respect, appreciation of the other person's contribution, and understanding of strengths & flaws all come into it.

Taking you at face value, that your wife is a "cold person", as a personality trait this is obviously something you consider important. The opinion of your friends of your spouse here is unimportant, its you that is married to her. No-one is perfect - but that's the person you chose for a partner, with whom you have built a family. and to quote a phrase 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".

It sounds to me like you are re-evaluating things, triggered by the appearance of your ex. You might need to speak to someone about your feelings and figure out where you are at. Would a relationship counsellor make sense to you ?

OP can i suggest that if you are unhappy with your marriage, you should try to improve it. Make it work for both of you. sometimes we do get into habits, and let things slide until you reach a point where you say 'is this it? '. But as long as your both willing to try, you can change habits.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. Really appreciate the effort.

A few posters mentioned going for counselling. I am going to look into that. I think I have a few issues to work through.

A few posters mentioned that the ex is a side issue. It is and is just bringing the whole problem to the fore by remembering how happy we had been together. It is not a fair comparison, my wife and kids life, to a memory of being in your 20s unencumbered and in love.

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP
The opinion of your friends of your spouse here is unimportant, its you that is married to her. No-one is perfect - but that's the person you chose for a partner, with whom you have built a family. and to quote a phrase 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".

I do appreciate that I committed 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health'. I take it seriously and have been trying to go on.

mike_ie wrote: »

With respect to your marriage - you talk about various issues you have with your wife, but you don't mention anything about whether you want to save your marriage or not. Have you spoken to your wife about your concerns with respect to your marriage, both the physical and the mental side of things? What was her response? Are you both invested in this marriage enough to want it to continue? All questions you must answer honestly to yourselves, before you decide how to move forward.

We never discuss things. We have only talked about it tangently and then only once. My wife has never brought it up. I am afraid if I start talking about it I might go too far and tell her I don't love her any more.

In relation to the physical my wife has suffered from early menopause which has killed her drive. I understand that so I don't put any pressure for sex.

pickarooney

Don't you think your wife knows you don't love her? A conversation is not going to do any damage that silence hasn't already caused.

You being a good father to your children and you being married to your wife are completely independent things. You'll be a better father to your kids if they see you as a happy man who loves and takes care of them than if you show the example of a man half-living, trapped and frustrated.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your happiness is unimportant and your children's is tied up in the nuclear family unit.

lazybones32

You can talk to your friends. They're your friends. They're not a$$holes and won't be talking about you behind your back. C'mon man, give them some credit.