Rekindle relationship with former partner that has a child from another relationship.

john343

I have a strange situation in that I have a young enough child with my former partner, we have ended our relationship around 5 years. I have always been there for our own child and generally been on good terms with herself. In the time we have been apart she has been in a short term relationship of recent years with a new partner and fell pregnant with another child and the guy has done a runner, he has had no contact what so ever with her or his toddler since been informed of the pregnancy and unfortunately wants nothing to do with either of them.

I am currently single and get on with herself and there has be a bit intimacy between us of late that she would like to take further and perhaps rekindle our relationship. Being honest I do still have feelings for the woman and love our own child to bits but I am not quite sure I would like to take things further because of the fact there is now another mans child in the picture.

I have not come across this situation with other people before so I guess my question is, would the posters of boards.ie even consider rekindling a relationship with a former partner in these circumstances? Thanks in advance for advice on this matter...

Ursus Horribilis

Why would it matter whether the men of boards.ie would rekindle the relationship or not?

Having said that, with the way you speak of this child, I think you'd be better off not taking things further. He/she is your child's half sibling and innocent party in all of this. Yet all you can see is him/her as another man's child. That's not a good basis for rekindling the relationship. If you're not at peace with the situation and have no interest in building up some sort of relationship with the child, you're better off staying split. This other child will sense its second best and that's not going to do him/her any good.

The singer Paul Young took on another man's child. Might be worth googling his thoughts on it and what he has to say.

john343

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why would it matter whether the men of boards.ie would rekindle the relationship or not?

Having said that, with the way you speak of this child, I think you'd be better off not taking things further. He/she is your child's half sibling and innocent party in all of this. Yet all you can see is him/her as another man's child. Some stepdad you'd make.

You are correct, you will see that I have rephrased that comment on men's opinion. On the subject of the way "I speak of this child" and "Some stepdad you'd make"

I have come on here looking for advice and not be ridiculed about the matter when in fact I am an excellent father to my own child and have been somewhat of a father figure to the stepchild of recent times.

splinter65

Hi OP
Take a few steps backwards. There are a couple of tiny people involved here who are at severe risk of being hurt in this high risk game of romantic musical chairs.
Your own biological child needs to be protected from the potential disappointment of you moving back into his/her life only to leave again on a whim because you are uncomfortable with the idea of supporting a child who is not yours.
Your child’s sibling definitely doesn’t need to feel like an imposter in his or her own home.
Yourself and your child’s mother need to put these children first and prioritise what’s best for them before indulging yourselves once again in what may prove to be yet another doomed love affair.

Big Bag of Chips

A friend of my husband's was in exactly that situation, they got back together and went on to have more children. The one child that isn't his is not treated any differently by him. They are as much part of 'the gang' as every other child they have. They are together now over 20 years.

It's up to you, but you speak of her and your relationship very clinically. It almost sounds like an arrangement than a romantic relationship. Do you love her? Do you think you would/could love her? Do you see yourself living every day of the rest of your lives with her? Two children are involved here. And two children risk being very hurt and confused if you go into something half hearted only to decide down the line that you're not that interested.

Ursus Horribilis

I rephrased too. I don't doubt you are an excellent dad to your own child. That's not what this issue is about though. The fly in the ointment is the toddler.

Big Bag of Chips

Also, how would you feel in 10-15 years time if the other dad appeared back wanting to step into his role as daddy?

john343

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

A friend of my husband's was in exactly that situation, they got back together and went on to have more children. The one child that isn't his is not treated any differently by him. They are as much part of 'the gang' as every other child they have. They are together now over 20 years.

It's up to you, but you speak of her and your relationship very clinically. It almost sounds like an arrangement than a romantic relationship. Do you love her? Do you think you would/could love her? Do you see yourself living every day of the rest of your lives with her? Two children are involved here. And two children risk being very hurt and confused if you go into something half hearted only to decide down the line that you're not that interested.

Thanks "Big Bag of Chips". Interesting to hear you know of a similar situation and things worked out for them.

Yeah it is somewhat of an arrangement at the moment but I guess I really wanted to clarify things before it gets more serious. Do I love her? of course there will always be love there...she is the mother of my child and a fantastic mother but so many thoughts go through your head in a situation like this. But yeah my real fear would be if things didn't work out down the line and the effect it would have on the children etc...

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Also, how would you feel in 10-15 years time if the other dad appeared back wanting to step into his role as daddy?

I wouldn't have any issue with that to be honest because he is the child's father and I wouldn't want to create any problems...

Ursus Horribilis

I'm at a computer now so I'll try to flesh out the points I was trying to make earlier when typing badly on a tablet.

Your post raises more questions than answers to me. Firstly, have the reasons for your original split with your child's mother been resolved? As has already been mentioned on this thread, the pair of you will need to tread carefully regarding the effect it'll have on the two children.

I'll put my hand up and admit my original post was very blunt and badly phrased. I was never questioning your relationship with your own child or how good a dad you are to him/her. Instead, I was looking at things from the point of view of the toddler. I don't think anybody's expecting that you'll care about it to the extent you love your own child. But given the age of the child and the absence of the father, you are going to end up being a hands on parent. It's not going to have another father figure in its life and will turn to you. If you don't think you're up for being emotionally there for the child, then it's time to call a halt to this.

Rightly or wrongly, I get the sense that you're a little bit embarrassed or insecure about this. As in, you'd be a bit ashamed to admit you're helping to raise another man's child. Perhaps I am projecting a bit but I'm getting those vibes from your post.

WIZWEB

OP children need a loving caring nurturing environment. If you choose to reengage with this relationship then you'll have to acknowledge that you'll be a parent to this child and for a very long time. Their birth father might one day choose to resurface and in the child's best interests that will have to be fascilitated. You need to get over the hump that the child is a permanent reminder from another man. They need to be treated equally to your own child and be secure in all stages of their personal development. A stable drama free home is a necessity here. Their wellbeing must always be prioritized over all adult relationships. You need to do some serious self reflection to assess if you can man up to this scenario.

Regarding your relationship you will both need to have worked through various hurt and blame from the original breakup for it to work in the future. No resurfacing allowed or it will be doomed to fail again. In essence closure.

This child must be immune to any future issues. No blame ever towards the innocent. You may be currently unsure about loving them (this is natural) but children will grow to love their parents as you might them. You'll know that from your own successful bonding to your child and them to you. Young kids don't care about labels only love but you know that already.

Think of the devastation caused to the kids if this doesn't work out. Your own child will be doubly devastated if they get to relive the trauma of the relationship ending again. This could act as a template for how they might normalize their own future relationships.

Ultimately revisiting this relationship is your choice. Dynamics this time will and must be different though. Whatever decision you make is equally valid.

I'm one of these 'men of Boards.ie' albeit a gay single childless one so what would I know....

Estrellita

john343 wrote: »

Being honest I do still have feelings for the woman and love our own child to bits but I am not quite sure I would like to take things further because of the fact there is now another mans child in the picture.

It's interesting that you've chosen different wording for your ex and child to describe your feelings for each. You've been intimate with her of late, but don't use the word 'love' for her. Just that there are feelings.

Are you sure about your own motivations here? When you've had a child or children for an ex it can be confusing to see them with someone else. You need to think about the reasons you split up over in the first place, are those still obstacles? Returning to a relationship with an ex is a bad idea unless you're sure every problem has been resolved and unlikely to arise again. Unless you're over the worst of your problems and you're sure you love each other very much - then I wouldn't consider living as a blended family.

A blended family is what you are talking about. It takes love, and an open mind as well as open arms to survive the long term. It is nothing new, many many families live this way now. Albeit not in the same circumstances, our own family is blended. It comes with its challenges but we operate as a whole unit.

If you do love your ex and sure the past issues are no longer a problem, then tell your ex that you're struggling with it a little but ask for her help. You need to form a relationship with this other child. You can't allow that child to feel left out of the circle ever. You have to be ready to take on the step father role.

It's true, daddy of the year may return. Talk to your ex about it should it ever occur. As you grow fonder of this child you might be surprised how protective you might become.

I hope things work out for you, whatever route that is. While blended families are common enough these days it does take commitment, and love for all in your family unit.

December2012

You need to take your time. Like any relationship when you have children you need to know exactly where you, as a couple stand, before you introduce the children to the relationship. While you already know each other, and have a familiar relationship with the children, you should not introduce the new aspect of your relationships with their mother yet.

Figure out your sex Life and love life first

Big Bag of Chips

Do you think getting back together is a good long-term idea, or is it only an option? Is it only an option because it's familiar and comfortable Relationships are great when they're going good, but can be hard work too. Are your feelings for each other strong enough to want to face the hard times and the problems that will arise in the future? Or the first sign of a bit of difficulty will you both be going your separate ways?

john343

Thank you all for you consideration, much appreciated. I do have to really thread carefully and realistically I don't think I can move forward with things unless im 110 percent certain it can work out in the long term.