Intorvert Married to Extrovert

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I recently got married to someone I was seeing for almost 4 years. We get on great, have very similar values and generally enjoy each others company. I have very few complaints about our life together.

However, there is one huge stumbling block. I am an introvert, and she is an extrovert. She wants to spend her weekends surrounded by friends and family, and for us to be doing couply things. I'm generally the opposite. I generally feel uncomfortable around people I don't know, especially in large groups, and conversely, this is where she is in her element. When I get home from work, I get my kicks from sitting back and relaxing in front of a tv or books. I've never stopped her socializing, the problem is that she wants us to do pretty much everything together. I've told her I can't do this, and needless to say, we've had our fair share of rows about it.

I have compromised quite a lot, we've a fair bit booked in up to the end of the year (meeting family, friends, etc. 3-4 weekends to xmas) but it doesn't seem to be enough. Not only do I need to be ok with it, I need to "enjoy" it. It came to a head today. I had planned we'd go to the pub and watch the Ireland game, and she'd asked about going in to see her sister and her husband for a while beforehand, and I agreed. She then asked about possibly bringing along my female cousin to the pub to make a night of it and I said I'd rather not (although my wife has been in contact with my cousin and they seem friendly, she's not someone I have a relationship with). Later she mentioned how disappointed she was, and how she craved us socializing with other couples etc. and eventually that transpired into her being drained by me, her disappointment, my lack of effort etc., I got very defensive and this in turn led to a blazing row in the car en route to her sister's.

When we have a disagreement about socialising (be it in general discussion or a row) she makes comments about how draining it is to be in a relationship like this, how she never saw herself with someone that didn't want to spend lots of time with other couples, how disappointed she is, etc. and I'm seriously questioning what I can do. What hurts me the most is that I accept her for who she is, warts and all, but I resent that she doesn't extend the same luxury to me. I didn't choose to be an introvert, it's the complete antithesis of what I want to be in life, but I just have to get on with it.

I presume other people have been, or are, in similar relationships, how have you dealt with this? I genuinely love her, she is a fantastic wife and will make an even better mother, but I don't know if I can give her the socialite I think she needs. I can compromise, but I don;t know if I can do it to the extent she needs. Has anyone any advice?

Just to note, when we're not arguing about my introversion, we generally get on great.

Adviceme

Hi,

Don't know if my advice will help or rather if it is even advice.. maybe just some perspective?

I'm an extrovert. The description of your wife describes me well. I find that to be inside or watching tv, reading for too long does drain me. I like to be around people and doing things. I'm happiest this way. It takes me out of my head. I get depressed quicker when I'm stationary.

I was seeing a man for 3 years, not unlike how you described yourself. He was very introverted. But we made it work. I took him out of his shell a bit and he helped me to be comfortable being in my own company. We worked it by compromise. Compromise and also I would do the social things with my friends often times rather than him. Then I'd come home and do the couple movie nights/dinners with him.

I need to ask, you got married...but surely you knew you were polar opposites in this respect? Has it always been so tense around this issue? Perhaps your wife could compromise. After all, she surely knew you were introverted from the start and still decided to proceed?

zoobizoo

I enjoy going out, I enjoy meeting up with people but I also enjoy staying in and chilling.


The attitude I've never understood is that the more people there are out, the more fun it will be.

I prefer quality over quantity. Never liked large bland group conversations and rather in depth interesting chats with individuals.

My mother is a bit like you... . It means my dad can't enjoy her company in the company of others - as in he'd see another couple out and he'd like her to be more outgoing but that's not going to happen. He does his own thing in tht respect now.

What I don't get with your wife is wanting to do couply things all the time.... I don't know any couples that do.

If a party or event comes up we'll go to it together. But we mainly hang out together or with our friends separately.

Does she feel she's missing out on something by not going out? As in is a night spent at home a "wasted" weekend?

Does she have any hobbies or interests other than going out socialising?

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder would going to a marriage counsellor help here? Admittedly we're only hearing your side of the story here but it looks like you're the one doing most of the compromising. Did you live together before you got married? It's almost as if your wife is only learning now what life with an introvert is like. In order for this marriage to work, both of you are going to have to learn how to compromise. From your point of view, it'll involve going to more social things than you'd like to. But for her, it's going to mean going to more things without you in tow. If she's a people person, will it really matter if you're not with her?

Permabear

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Adviceme

Permabear wrote:

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THIS.

Estrellita

Introversion Perversion wrote: »

Hi All,

I recently got married to someone I was seeing for almost 4 years

How is it you were seeing each other four years, got married, and now this is rearing it's head?

As previously said, don't allow her to define what is normal. It does sound like you're the only one comprising here. If she wants to go seeing all and sundry there is no need for you to take part in all of it. You're married, not joined at the hip.

I'm an introvert. I don't mean to be rude, but I generally avoid get-togethers. My home really is my castle, and I enjoy the peace I have here. I come out of my comfort zone around Christmas and the like, but visiting for nothing more than chats every other weekend would do my nut in. Thankfully my OH is cut from the same cloth.

I'd just tell her to accept the differences between you, because neither one is more 'right' than the other. There's nobody preventing her from having the social life she wants, you don't need to be like a carbon copy of her.

Ursus Horribilis

I was on a management course where they touched on the Myers Briggs personality test. It's a bit of a broad brush but one of the things it does is categorise people as either introverts or extroverts. And that when you're managing people it's good to take this into account. I remember the lady giving the course saying that extroverts gain energy from being around other people and really enjoy it. Whilst it becomes draining for introverts. There's room in the world for both types of people (and of course the ones in between) but the important thing is to understand each other. I wonder was your wife hoping she could change you?

strandroad

You're actually giving in to your wife a lot already and I think she is getting well unreasonable. She's trying to mould you into someone who enjoys the exact same things as she does and you simply do not have or do not need to have her personality. I know her type and for them socialising is basically sitting and talking to Mary and John over food or drinks. Every week. Whereas for a typical introvert it's pure hell because to be honest John and Mary are not that interesting and forced interactions are draining.

Could you agree to base your going out around activities rather than just pure "socialising"? So that you're meeting John and Mary yes, but it's for a hike, or an exhibition, or a film? At least you'll be getting something out of it, and it might make the conversation more interesting too.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, you mentioned a row that started because you ranted to go to the pub with your OH to watch the Ireland match, she wanted to bring her cousin. I'm guessing that she isn't that much into sport so the cousin would be company.

If this is the case then I think you need to re-evaluate your introversion. As much as you feel you have a right to be introverted as you wish, your choice to marry means it is going to have to come second.

server down

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

OP, you mentioned a row that started because you ranted to go to the pub with your OH to watch the Ireland match, she wanted to bring her cousin. I'm guessing that she isn't that much into sport so the cousin would be company.

If this is the case then I think you need to re-evaluate your introversion. As much as you feel you have a right to be introverted as you wish, your choice to marry means it is going to have to come second.

So no compromise? No meeting of minds? No middle ground?

jimmycrackcorm

server down wrote:

So no compromise? No meeting of minds? No middle ground?

My point was about the lack of compromise and certainly the lack of meeting of minds in that specific example.

That the OPs OH is complaining about the lack of doing 'couply' things does suggest that there is an imbalance in the activities of the relationship. I doubt that they are spending seven evenings a week doing stuff with other people.

My impression is that the OP is simply not wanting to arrive at what many would consider a normal level of social activity for a couple. But he chose to marry and commit to a relationship.

woodchuck

Jimmy did you even read the original post? In that specific example about watching the match, the wifes sister and husband were going too. The OP didn't want to invite his cousin because he doesn't have a relationship with her. Totally reasonable. So they were out socialising with a couple and the wife still wasn't happy and made an issue of it.

OP you're already doing more than your fair share of compromise here. What about your wife though? Is she making any effort to meet you halfway?

homerjay2005

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

<Snip>

im actually surprised the level of "support" the OP is getting, from reading his posts i get impression he is the issue here and not his wife.

what the OPs wife wants to be honest, is fairly normal no matter how people on here are trying to portray it.

i think the OP needs to try harder and make an effort and stop thinking his wife is some form of abnormal creature when all she is doing is wanting to have an active life, not sit at home in front of the tv like two pensioners.

IvoryTower

homerjay2005 wrote: »

<Snip>

Reading what posts? You mean the op? I can't see anything unreasonable there myself maybe "normal" to you is what the wife wants, it's certainly not what I would want and I'm no introvert.

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

<Snip>

fairly normal to some people not everyone and there in lies the issue. They both need to see things from the others perspective and try and reach a compromise that works for them and not what other people think they should do. Each relationship is different. I would be an introvert and it doesn't mean I want to sit in front of the tv like a pensioner but I find going out to places with large groups or with a lot of new people very very draining It's not just a case of "trying harder" I just can't do that every weekend without cracking up. I like a balance of time with friends and family, time out with crowds/new people, time just the two of us and time just to myself.

If my husband forced me out every time he wanted to go out we'd have been divorced years ago. We learned to find our balance quickly in the relationship so I'm surprised OP you've come this far in the relationship and not found that balance or even come close to it. Did you not live together before getting married? Did you just agree to go out all the time thinking it would just stop once married? It seriously need to sit down and have an honest frank talk about this. You both should be able to bring up issues without either of you loosing your heads and yelling at the other.

MartyMcFly84

I think the door swings both ways.

You could try planning out your month or take turns doing what the other half wants to do. One weekend could be a social one the next a quiet one.

I do agree that there is no point of you going along if you are not going to have a good time. No one like hanging out with a drag. Try and make the effort when you do go out, but in turn would expect her to make an effort when you want a quiet weekend.

Personally I would not be crazy about staying in front of a TV for an entire weekend. Perhaps you could use some of your quiet weekend to do things together as a couple. Like go for a walk together, go for a meal or cook something nice together. Then plan a movie or show to watch together .

HalloweenJack

Pretty much every long-term relationship has someone more extroverted and the other is more introverted.

But I don't think this is the real issue, it's about compromise and both being able to have your own lives and not feeling like you're being forced to spend time with your OH, especially when you're not enjoying it. I don't think it's good for couples to do everything together, whether it being out with friends or having a night in. It's also not fair to be making your partner do things that make them uncomfortable and your wife should be aware of the person you are and should care enough about you to not put you in those situations.

You understand the person you are and she should too, especially if she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.

From what you've said so far, there are two ways to work on this problem:

1. Do things separately. If she wants to go out and you want to stay in, then both of yez do your own thing. There's nothing that says you have to spend all your time together and it's better for yez to do things you enjoy on your own if doing them together is going to cause problems. There's nothing wrong with this. Couples don't have to become one person, they are still a unit composed of two different people with different interests and when those interests don't overlap, they can do things separately.

2. Compromise. Both of you. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you are doing most of the compromising at the moment but she also needs to compromise. Despite what I said above, at times you will have to compromise and do things for the other person. However, compromise is a two-way street and she should do it as well if she expects you to do it as much as you seem to be doing lately.

Whatever you do, the way the marriage is going now is not working for you and she seems to have problems with it too so something needs to change.

Dial Hard

My last relationship was with a deep introvert and tbh, it was equally draining for both of us, in hindsight.

I'm not like the OP's wife where I want to go out with other couples or a gang of people every weekend, but it got to the stage where asking him to do *anything* became incredibly stressful. I ended up just giving in to him pretty much all the time and it became bloody boring and depressing at times.

If he had been willing to compromise a bit more, things would have been a lot better. It's all good and well for people to say "Well why can't the extroverted partner just socialise with their friends?" but that completely misses the point that they *want* to do things with their partner, they shouldn't have to do everything without the person they love.

Obviously that very much works the other way too and it doesn't sound like the OP's wife is really making any compromises at all. After four years together it seems a bit daft to be even asking this, but I'll do it anyway: is it possible she doesn't realise just *how* draining you find socialising, OP? I always knew my ex was quiet and shy but I didn't realise just how deeply introverted he was until we went to Leinster match and I was introducing him to people at the post-match reception and he went into full-on deer in headlights mode.

endacl

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I was on a management course where they touched on the Myers Briggs personality test. It's a bit of a broad brush but one of the things it does is categorise people as either introverts or extroverts. And that when you're managing people it's good to take this into account. I remember the lady giving the course saying that extroverts gain energy from being around other people and really enjoy it. Whilst it becomes draining for introverts. There's room in the world for both types of people (and of course the ones in between) but the important thing is to understand each other. I wonder was your wife hoping she could change you?

The Myers Briggs test is very popular in the world of business training, but is psychometrically deficient. Which is a fancy way of saying 'bunk'. Which is why it is only used in business training. Oh. And magazine articles. Made up over tea and cucumber sandwiches by a well-meaning lady and her home-schooled daughter. Each of whom had similarly misunderstood a cursory reading of Jung.

Ursus Horribilis

endacl wrote: »

The Myers Briggs test is very popular in the world of business training, but is psychometrically deficient. Which is a fancy way of saying 'bunk'. Which is why it is only used in business training. Oh. And magazine articles. Made up over tea and cucumber sandwiches by a well-meaning lady and her home-schooled daughter. Each of whom had similarly misunderstood a cursory reading of Jung.

I agree that it's bunk. The point I made - badly it would appear - is that we need to take into account that extroverts and introverts operate differently. Sigh.

Permabear

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strandroad

Permabear wrote: »

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Exactly. Also, as an introvert I can easily spend half a day with a bunch of people if we are actually doing something together - whether it's parachute jumping or bouquet making. But I am not able to spend half a day with a bunch of people if all we is do is chat/gossip/telling stories you've already heard twice. That's my vision of hell...

SB_Part2

Permabear wrote: »

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Do you not think that kind of controlling? I think it’s unfair on the other person. It’s like you only want them to be happy with you. You’re isolating them from other people.

Martin567

SB_Part2 wrote: »

Do you not think that kind of controlling? I think it’s unfair on the other person. It’s like you only want them to be happy with you. You’re isolating them from other people.

How is that controlling?

Controlling would be wanting your partner to be with you all the time and never letting them see other people. Permabear doesn't say anything like that. It's all a matter of compromise.

Permabear

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AndrewJRenko

It sounds like there is a good opportunity for the couple to make a big decision about their future before kids come along and complicate things. If they find a way to compromise that works for both, good for them. If not, it might be time to cut your losses before kids come along and make it very difficult to split.

Also, I suppose when kids come along, there is generally a lot less time for socialising, but don't rely on that to solve the problem.

5rtytry56

Yes, it may not solve the problem but when kids do come along, things will change in the relationship dynamic - this sort of issue should really be in the process of critical contemplation for yourself especially OP and for your own good.

LegacyUser

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

It sounds like there is a good opportunity for the couple to make a big decision about their future before kids come along and complicate things. If they find a way to compromise that works for both, good for them. If not, it might be time to cut your losses before kids come along and make it very difficult to split.

Also, I suppose when kids come along, there is generally a lot less time for socialising, but don't rely on that to solve the problem.

Or could open a new can of worms with constant visits and people up see the baby , or worse leave him on his own with the baby and her off out every weekend