Looking for advice

irishpumpkin

Hello all,

I'm in a relationship with my fiancée for about 2 years and a half now. We are mid 30s. We've been living together for over a year, and beginning this year our relationship has turned a bit sour from my point of view.
Everything started to go downhill after Xmas last year when I asked to pack one of the gifts I got (which she did not like) to our bag before flying back to Ireland. That day I was busy with preparations and last family meal so she said she would take care of the baggage. I remember seeing my gift was outside the bag and I asked 3 times to "please don't forget to pack it". She didn't. Before we left home I decided not to pack it because I was afraid she would feel upset.
After we came back I felt depressed because I could not understand her actions (not packing my gift) and I wondered if somehow she wanted to control my life. So one morning she confronted me and asked me what was wrong with me, and I opened up by saying "I'm not too sure to what extent you want to control my life" and those words left her fuming, raised her voice asking what else I had inside I had not said.
She later said I hurt her for accusing her of controlling my life. Repeatedly telling me "look at what you've done, look at what you've done". However, I truly meant what I said above, that "I was not sure" I was confused at the time. But she doesn't see it in the same way.
The consequence of that event, which caused me a good deal of distress, is that nowadays I'm afraid of opening up to her because she either gets defensive or attacks back to me. Fast-forward 11 months and these are few examples:
- She would do my lunchboxes, I complained I put up 1 stone and I don't want to keep gaining weight so I politely asked if I could have less food, less meat, etc. She said because she cooks them I should not open my mouth, and before I met her I was underweight (which is true) and she has helped to look more healthy. To all of these I agreed but my point that I can't keep gaining weight did not get across. She won't let me do my own lunch boxes because according to her own words "I cannot be trusted".
- Sometimes she would ask me to change clothes I'm wearing because they look "tedious". I don't understand any of this.
- Once day watching a TV show where they were talking about our most important people in our lives she asked me who was the most important person of my life. I naturally replied that my mom for all the things she did for me and went thru in order to raise me (I come from a abusive father family background and mom had to put up with a lot). She did not take it well, saying what was the point then of 2 people having a relationship. That statement hurt me.
- I never mentioned this word to her but I think she can be manipulative. During XMas she bought an expensive perfume to my mom and she decided I would give it to her while not in front of my brother and her wife. Her reasons were that they did not have to know about it so they did not feel hurt. She asked me to give the present myself and I felt manipulated. Did not tell her how I felt about this.
- When I bought the engagement ring she was gutted the diamond was too small and the fact I had a budget. Thing is, I did not buy the first ring I came across, I did research and I did not buy the cheapest money can get. I bought the ring based on a design (something she would like) and budget (I'm a firm believer love cannot be expressed by buying expensive things). She spent 3 days talking very little and conceded the diamond was too small, she could not get over it. She went on to say that I will be judged by her family because the ring expresses I don't value her a lot. She then wanted to reach a compromise saying that she would feel more happy if the wedding band was more than a basic band. I cannot express here how bad I felt those 3 days, I did not get much sleep and in fact felt physical pain on my chest one night. I felt once again manipulated to give her what she wanted. At this point I was seriously considering breaking up with her because that shows a massive difference in personal values.
- Later on this week she addressed me in a patronizing voice. I went quiet and she quizzed me, so I decided to just tell her I did not like the tone of her voice, and the fact I was being patronized for an opinion on a topic not related to us. She brushed off this as nonsense, saying I'm overthinking things, making things bigger than what they are. So this was this week and right now I feel I've seen enough.

As you can see I've built lots of resentment inside, I think I've tried to talk to her already but we are not moving forward.

I'm an EU expat living in Ireland and I don't have family support or anybody to talk to. I feel paralyzed, I live in her house so if we broke up I would need to find myself accomodation elsewhere. I have the fear I might not find a decent place to live short-term. My gut feeling tells me I should walk away now before I commit to forming a family with her, I realized people cannot change and I honestly believe I tried to talk things thru but I keep feeling the same unhappiness.

Please advise.

Dial Hard

Jesus, there's a pair of you in it. You completely overreacted about the gift packing thing and she sounds more like your mother than your partner.

I think you'd be doing both of you a favour by ending this. It sounds like you're completely incompatible.

woodchuck

Dial Hard wrote: »

Jesus, there's a pair of you in it. You completely overreacted about the gift packing thing and she sounds more like your mother than your partner.

I agree with this, but not necessary that you should jump the gun and end the relationship. Surely there's something to be said for trying working on the issues? Maybe try couples counselling? If nothing else, you can then walk away knowing you tried everything...

osarusan

irishpumpkin wrote: »

My gut feeling tells me I should walk away now before I commit to forming a family with her, I realized people cannot change and I honestly believe I tried to talk things thru but I keep feeling the same unhappiness.

Whatever about walking away, don't bring kids into the equation.

If you genuinely think things won't get better, and are resigned to that, then maybe it is best to walk away, given how unhappy you are.

Reading through some of the situations you've given as examples, I think there are times that she is controlling, but also times that you are reading too much into things and interpreting them in the worst way. The stuff about the lunch box and diamond ring makes her come across poorly, but I also think that you seem to read to much into things, or interpret then in a really negative way - such as feeling manipulated about the perfume.

Sounds like basically the two of you just don't really like each other or get on any more, and are looking for ways to find fault with each other.

hal9550

Dial Hard wrote: »

Jesus, there's a pair of you in it. You completely overreacted about the gift packing thing and she sounds more like your mother than your partner.

I think you'd be doing both of you a favour by ending this. It sounds like you're completely incompatible.

I really dont see how you can say there is a 'pair of them' in it.. at all..

Without wanting to engage in an argument, i will simply say that in my view, the OPs Fiance has behaved shockingly, and OP simply attempted to highlight a 'small' item, as an example. The lady in this question may find herself incompatible with many a man, in my view, given her actions and attitude

OP i would honestly say that your gut feeling is probably correct, and personally if that were me i would end the relationship. Alternatives such as counseling, are an option, and that depends on how much you personally want the relationship to succeed. But in my view your Fiance sounds like someone who genuinely has to be in charge, and expects to get her way on everything

The engagement ring story is shocking, in my view. Utterly appalled by the petty shallow attitude of the lady in question. Given her statements about her families view on the ring, i would say theres a massive chance that lady in question comes from a background where money is not an issue, and her family may well be even worse when it comes to viewing you.

As to the housing situation, i would advise that you have a decision to make. You could probably find shared accommodation, and remain where you are. That is an option, and you should begin to explore it. Alternatively is relocating back to your home country an option Jobs Wise? For me all options in that regard should be on the table

EDIT:

woodchuck wrote: »

I agree with this, but not necessary that you should jump the gun and end the relationship. Surely there's something to be said for trying working on the issues? Maybe try couples counselling? If nothing else, you can then walk away knowing you tried everything...

osarusan wrote: »

Whatever about walking away, don't bring kids into the equation.

If you genuinely think things won't get better, and are resigned to that, then maybe it is best to walk away, given how unhappy you are.

Reading through some of the situations you've given as examples, I think there are times that she is controlling, but also times that you are reading too much into things and interpreting them in the worst way. The stuff about the lunch box and diamond ring makes her come across poorly, but I also think that you seem to read to much into things, or interpret then in a really negative way - such as feeling manipulated about the perfume.

Sounds like basically the two of you just don't really like each other or get on any more, and are looking for ways to find fault with each other.

Reading the above two comments again, all i can say is WOW.. i completely disagree with this 'balanced for the sake of balancing' interpretation of OPS situation.

<snip>

irishpumpkin

osarusan wrote: »

, but I also think that you seem to read to much into things, or interpret then in a really negative way - such as feeling manipulated about the perfume.

Thank you for your honest feedback. I understand I have not acted always in the right way, after all, you are reading only one side of the whole story. I do agree I could have interpreted her actions in the wrong way.
But if somebody asked you to buy a more expensive wedding band so "we are in peace", is that not being manipulative? I leave it there.

hal9550 wrote: »

i would say theres a massive chance that lady in question comes from a background where money is not an issue,

Thank you for your words, you have been very objective in your reply and I appreciate your opinion :-)
Regarding the statement I'm quoting above, that is well true. Her family is well off. I won't go into details on "how well off" because I think I disclosed a lot already.
I agree with you that I have a decision to make, unfortunately I feel paralyzed like I said. This is the internal struggle I'm in at the moment.

Thank you all once again.

hal9550

irishpumpkin wrote: »

Thank you for your honest feedback. I understand I have not acted always in the right way, after all, you are reading only one side of the whole story. I do agree I could have interpreted her actions in the wrong way.
But if somebody asked you to buy a more expensive wedding band so "we are in peace", is that not being manipulative? I leave it there.


Thank you for your words, you have been very objective in your reply and I appreciate your opinion :-)
Regarding the statement I'm quoting above, that is well true. Her family is well off. I won't go into details on "how well off" because I think I disclosed a lot already.
I agree with you that I have a decision to make, unfortunately I feel paralyzed like I said. This is the internal struggle I'm in at the moment.

Thank you all once again.

Its a very difficult situation and it really depends on your view of the relationship, taken as a whole, and whether it is worth saving. For me, in that situation, i would end the relationship because i do not believe it is symmetric at all.

• The Ring isnt good enough, and she and her family view it as cheap. which means you dont value her

• The childish annoyance that your mother is important to you..
• You must have for lunch what she has deemed appropriate because "you cannot be trusted"
• You must even dress according to her standards because your chosen attire is TEDIOUS

I genuinely empathize with your situation, and the difficult question and decisions you face. But ask yourself if you wish to live your life dancing to someone else music, with no say in its composition or tone? Personally i would genuinely end the relationship rather than submit to the standards listed above

silverharp

she sounds like a bit of a wagon, 40 years of that and I'd be looking forward to death.

osarusan

irishpumpkin wrote: »

But if somebody asked you to buy a more expensive wedding band so "we are in peace", is that not being manipulative? I leave it there.

Eh..I already said that her behaviour regarding the diamond ring made her come across very poorly. Similarly, the way she behaved over a reasonable request about your lunch.

But, on the situation I mentioned - where she wanted you to give the perfume privately - I don't really see why you would feel manipulated by that. Seems to me like she didn't want to embarrass other family members who wouldn't be giving something as expensive. So i wonder why you felt that way, or interpreted it that way.

WIZWEB

OP normally I'd gives a detailed opinion but thankfully hal9950 summed up my thoughts exactly. Staying will only make your position untenable. Imagine if there were children or a huge mortgage involved in this lunacy. Get away from this selfish control freak. It will hurt for a while but you'll be thankful knowing it could and would have gotten much worse.

LegacyUser

Obviously we only have your side of the story, but in at least three of your examples your partner comes across as controlling and very immature. Personally I could never quite feel the same about a fiancé who reacted like that to a ring and that alone would be enough to end it for me, it's demanding, childish and horrible and her criticism of your clothing was on the same level.

I'd have to say though, that in some of your examples, you've been a bit spineless. I don't know what the story about packing a bag is supposed to mean, but you're in your 30s, pack your own bag. And make your own lunch, you're not a child.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're not particularly experienced in relationships and I'm going to guess that your fiancé is maybe quite physically attractive and perhaps appears very nice to other people who don't know her all that well. Like I say, I'm guessing, but it's an educated guess and you maybe started out feeling lucky to have landed her. I'm guessing she knows that and feels she can push you about a bit.

If I'm right, stop thinking about how she looks, how she behaves towards other people, any of those things, and think about this; your relationship is getting steadily worse and gets worse still every time you bring up concerns, she dismisses your concerns or blames you (look up "gaslighting"), acts in her own interests even when they come at your expense and, it appears to me, takes advantage of your isolation from your family and friends, something which will get worse if you marry her, trust me.

Does it seem like a good relationship worth saving now?

irishpumpkin

Guessed wrote: »

I'd have to say though, that in some of your examples, you've been a bit spineless. I don't know what the story about packing a bag is supposed to mean, but you're in your 30s, pack your own bag.
...
Does it seem like a good relationship worth saving now?

Hi, thank you for opinion. It helps me to put things into perspective. I agree with you, it is only my side of the story. I've made the effort to describe events as objectively as possible.

However I see there's confusion about the gift episode so I'm going to explain it by detail.

The gift in question was a retrogaming console. She does not like videogames and made me aware of it in the past. I'm fine with that as I stopped playing videogames long ago. So this was a XMas present from my brother, totally unexpected on my side, and made me feel excited like a kid because it brought me memories of the first console myself and my brother got. There was a sense of connectedness to this present, memories shared between me and my brother. That's why this unassuming gift was so important to me.
Right, so the following day we had to take a flight back to Ireland. And we agreed she would pack the bag while I was cooking lunch for everyone, we split up tasks that busy morning. I approached her once and I said "Oh by the way, I have the console in that bag, please don't forget to pack it" to what she replied "I'm not packing that thing". And she laughed off, I did not make much of it, I thought she was taking the piss and then I went back to the kitchen.
Anyway, I'm finished with cooking and go over to let her know lunch is ready. I see all bags are packed and the console is not there, I asked again "why is the console not there? Then she replies back "The console? we are not taking that thing to Ireland". Well we were not alone in the house so we had to have lunch with my family, and I did not pursue this issue further.

I guess I wanted to avoid having an argument, and from the feedback I gather I surely have been spineless about this? That I should have taken it with me before leaving?
Fair enough. On my defense I would say that above all I wanted to avoid having an argument. But the consequences of not taking action were much worse than if I had taken the console with me. I now believe from there on she thought I could play to her tune any time she wanted and I did let that happen. It was my fault.
What I wanted to figure out from people here is if that my statement "I'm not sure to what extent you want to control my life" sounds right given the context I explained above. That was how I felt at the time.

Is it worth saving? My gut feeling tells me I've seen enough, but rationally I do admit I'm not very experienced in relationships and I honestly want to work out solutions instead of giving up. Suffice to say when I gave her an example on how I was physically abused by my father in my toddler years she laughed off again saying "that happens in my country all the time". Right so I was beaten when I was only 3 years old, I made the effort to open up to share the pain I have inside so she could know me better... and that was the reaction I got.
That was only yesterday.

I need to get out of this.

hal9550

irishpumpkin wrote: »

The gift in question was a retrogaming console. She does not like videogames and made me aware of it in the past. I'm fine with that as I stopped playing videogames long ago. So this was a XMas present from my brother, totally unexpected on my side, and made me feel excited like a kid because it brought me memories of the first console myself and my brother got. There was a sense of connectedness to this present, memories shared between me and my brother. That's why this unassuming gift was so important to me.
Right, so the following day we had to take a flight back to Ireland. And we agreed she would pack the bag while I was cooking lunch for everyone, we split up tasks that busy morning. I approached her once and I said "Oh by the way, I have the console in that bag, please don't forget to pack it" to what she replied "I'm not packing that thing". And she laughed off, I did not make much of it, I thought she was taking the piss and then I went back to the kitchen.
Anyway, I'm finished with cooking and go over to let her know lunch is ready. I see all bags are packed and the console is not there, I asked again "why is the console not there? Then she replies back "The console? we are not taking that thing to Ireland". Well we were not alone in the house so we had to have lunch with my family, and I did not pursue this issue further.

I guess I wanted to avoid having an argument, and from the feedback I gather I surely have been spineless about this? That I should have taken it with me before leaving?
Fair enough. On my defense I would say that above all I wanted to avoid having an argument. But the consequences of not taking action were much worse than if I had taken the console with me. I now believe from there on she thought I could play to her tune any time she wanted and I did let that happen. It was my fault.
What I wanted to figure out from people here is if that my statement "I'm not sure to what extent you want to control my life" sounds right given the context I explained above. That was how I felt at the time.

I need to get out of this.

The Console incident.

Many people are unassuming and 'conflict avoiding' when it comes to their significant others. I would genuinely say im like that. While yes, you did 'let it happen', your fiances actions in this matter show a clear intent to be the 'decision maker' with regards to this present. your fiance KNOWS YOU, and therefore would KNOW that you are not as forthright as you should be. And she knowingly made a big deal out of the console, because SHE DOESNT LIKE consoles. In my opinion, knowing you as she does, her actions were an INTENTIONAL WAY of making an issue, hoping that you would react as you did.

irishpumpkin wrote: »

Is it worth saving? My gut feeling tells me I've seen enough, but rationally I do admit I'm not very experienced in relationships and I honestly want to work out solutions instead of giving up. Suffice to say when I gave her an example on how I was physically abused by my father in my toddler years she laughed off again saying "that happens in my country all the time". Right so I was beaten when I was only 3 years old, I made the effort to open up to share the pain I have inside so she could know me better... and that was the reaction I got.
That was only yesterday.

I need to get out of this.

To be honest, this is FAR MORE SERIOUS in my mind. Having come from a background where i was physically and psychologically abused as a kid, i can tell you it takes a lot to confide in someone. a HECK OF A LOT. iv had several relationships over the years and within each one there is a point where i will attempt to open up about my childhood, and acknowledge that what happened has had an effect on me. OP your experiences could genuinely have had an effect on you and i dare say it could be responsible for you not being as forthright in many situations (Personal experience leads me to this deduction but i freely admit i am not a Councillor)

If i opened up about my experiences and was greeted with laughing and an argument that effectively says, 'ah sure thats nothing, happens all the time', i would END THE RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY

OP your Fiance sounds like she has absolutely no respect for you or what you have gone through. Given her previous statements it seems that the SIZE OF A DIAMOND RING is more important than the fact that you suffered abuse as a child.

OP its up to you, but given what you have said, your Fiance could be described as

• Selfish
• egotistical
• overbearing
• nasty
• controlling
• possibly narcissistic
• over all, regardless of how beautiful this lady is, she sounds like a very ugly person inside

I previously said you need to consider whether the relationship is worth saving. i would know ARGUE THAT IT ISNT and you need to end it ASAP.. in my opinion. This lady seems to lack empathy on a massive scale and i would HONESTLY URGE YOU pal.. My blood is boiling thinking of her reaction there. Pal you need to get outta there fast..

beans

op wrote:

...above all I wanted to avoid having an argument.

You should try to work on yourself in regard to this before you get into another relationship. If you're not respecting yourself and your needs, no-one is going to respect you.

This woman sounds like poison, but you've enabled her. You deserve someone who is closer to you in terms of her moral character, and she needs to find someone who can call her on her terrible behaviour and save her from being such a ****.

woodchuck

OP do you love or even like your fiancé? If not, then you know what you have to do.

WIZWEB

OP our childhood experiences help us formulate our attachments to relationships in later life. If we grow up with dysfunctional caregivers (yes those that abuse three year old toddlers) we often subconsciously normalize such behaviors. This viscous wound scars us unless addressed. The experience minimizes our self-worth and opens us up to future unhealthy codependence. Our taught personal devaluation will act like a magnet to toxic and narcissistic people. In essence we are trained to enable this madness and they the abusers find a perfect victim.

You can repair yourself but only by leaving. Your puppet master and any others like that in your life need their attached strings to you permanently cut off. Our gut feeling to escape is a natural defense to protect us. You've also been presented with a lot of evidence from your partner that you are worthless in her eyes. Eventually she's going to throw away this possession for something more shiny. There are no ifs and buts in abusive relationships to include emotional and psychological abuse. The abuse also tends to escalate over time as they maximize their control. Get out and stay out.

hal9550

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP our childhood experiences help us formulate our attachments to relationships in later life. If we grow up with dysfunctional caregivers (yes those that abuse three year old toddlers) we often subconsciously normalize such behaviors. This viscous wound scars us unless addressed. The experience minimizes our self-worth and opens us up to future unhealthy codependence. Our taught personal devaluation will act like a magnet to toxic and narcissistic people. In essence we are trained to enable this madness and they the abusers find a perfect victim.

You can repair yourself but only by leaving. Your puppet master and any others like that in your life need their attached strings to you permanently cut off. Our gut feeling to escape is a natural defense to protect us. You've also been presented with a lot of evidence from your partner that you are worthless in her eyes. Eventually she's going to throw away this possession for something more shiny. There are no ifs and buts in abusive relationships to include emotional and psychological abuse. The abuse also tends to escalate over time as they maximize their control. Get out and stay out.

And as control is escalated your personal freedom of action will be further curtailed. Right now its:

• You shouldnt be playing with games consoles
• Eat what your GF demands because she knows best
• Your childhood problems are nothing to her, with her ACTUALLY LAUGHING at them (that part makes me very angry and i dont even know you pal)
• The ring you bought ISNT GOOD ENOUGH
• Dress up the way she demands

With further time, another (wedding) ring, and you accepting the situation as acceptable, her controlling influence will only INCREASE.. Soon it could/will be

• I dont like that friend you have, dont hang out with him
• no we are not visiting your family, mine comes first
• No you arent going out tonight your staying in because I NEED YOU tonight

I really think you need to bite the bullet i know its hard, but this cant go on. Sometimes you need to say STOP.. and call time. you can and will do better

woodchuck wrote: »

OP do you love or even like your fiancé? If not, then you know what you have to do.

See, i would normally take that line. but in this case i disagree. Even if OP has genuine feelings i dont think its a good idea to remain in this relationship. That type of relationship is horrible.. im not going to give a balanced view here, because of her reaction to OPs childhood trauma.. Its simply a terrible relationship. Thats my view, and im genuinely sorry i cant be more positive, but there it is

irishpumpkin

Hi all, I'd like to express my gratitude to everyone who commented in this thread. Reading your words has been a real eye-opener.
hal9550 I'm especially touched by your words and your straight-forward advice. I appreciate you've sympathized with me and understood the background I'm coming from. In hindsight I just maybe did not have the emotional compass to set my boundaries and that was the start of the downward spiral.
And I agree with other commentators that I should work on this before committing to another relationship again.

I have to say that this morning I eventually saw the light after the tunnel, I reflected on her reaction about me telling my past experience and decided I'm worth more than that.

I definitely like her, she has many positive things, but it is only after I moved in to cohabit that this type of behavior of her manifested itself. Somebody mention to me the term "gaslighting" in relationships after I posted the same thread elsewhere, and it truly hit home. I realize now that's the type of relationship I'm in.

Yesterday I wrote down everything I had inside that bugged me and I worked thru the list with her. Anything I said was "shocking" according to her, and it was all my fault for keeping things inside. We convened I would keep a diary so we could work things out together on a weekly basis to help me to say things before "I explode". After that somehow she wanted to know more about my past and I made an all honest attempt by sharing my trauma with her. The rest is history as they say.

I have decided I want to get out of here now that I can and I will look at the relationship as the most expensive mistake I ever made in my life. It won't be easy, but I'm determined to find happiness elsewhere.

Ursus Horribilis

irishpumpkin wrote: »

I have decided I want to get out of here now that I can and I will look at the relationship as the most expensive mistake I ever made in my life. It won't be easy, but I'm determined to find happiness elsewhere.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Your first loss is your greatest loss"? I think it applies here. If you walk away from this relationship (and I hope you do), you'll look back on it in the future and realise you had a lucky escape. Aren't you a lucky man you didn't buy property with this woman or have children with her? It was only when you moved in with her that you started to see the real her. It can take a while for the penny to drop but it looks like it has now. I hope it works out for you and that you find happiness elsewhere.

P.S. Those little retrogaming consoles are great, aren't they?

Big Bag of Chips

Whatever about everything else, it was extremely rude to leave behind a gift that someone had taken time to pick out, source, and buy for you. That alone would make me question her nature. I would think. Your brother would have been excited about seeing your reaction to getting such a thoughtful gift. I know when I give a gift that I've put a bit if thought into the greatest thanks you can get is seeing the genuine appreciation on the face of the person who receives it. Your brother must have been delighted when he saw your reaction to his gift. He must then have been very upset to find it discarded and left behind.

After this relationship, I think you need to take time to build up your own confidence. Know what you like, and don't be afraid to say it out loud. Make your own lunch, and eat as much/as little as you want (within healthy limits!) Pack your own bags, or be sure to put in something that you specifically want to bring yourself. You don't need permission from other people to do everyday things. I'd wonder how much of YOU your gf actually liked, because she seems to want to change an awful lot.

She might be better finding someone that fits her ideal better, rather than finding someone and setting out to change them. I expect though that if you end the relationship she will either beg for another chance, and may promise a lot but eventually revert back to normal (unless she promises to attend relationship counselling and work on her own issues) or she will turn nasty and blame you for everything.

Every relationship will need compromise. But those compromises shouldn't be too difficult and shouldn't make one person feel less equal.

hal9550

irishpumpkin wrote: »

Hi all, I'd like to express my gratitude to everyone who commented in this thread. Reading your words has been a real eye-opener.
hal9550 I'm especially touched by your words and your straight-forward advice. I appreciate you've sympathized with me and understood the background I'm coming from. In hindsight I just maybe did not have the emotional compass to set my boundaries and that was the start of the downward spiral.
And I agree with other commentators that I should work on this before committing to another relationship again.

I have to say that this morning I eventually saw the light after the tunnel, I reflected on her reaction about me telling my past experience and decided I'm worth more than that.

I definitely like her, she has many positive things, but it is only after I moved in to cohabit that this type of behavior of her manifested itself. Somebody mention to me the term "gaslighting" in relationships after I posted the same thread elsewhere, and it truly hit home. I realize now that's the type of relationship I'm in.

Yesterday I wrote down everything I had inside that bugged me and I worked thru the list with her. Anything I said was "shocking" according to her, and it was all my fault for keeping things inside. We convened I would keep a diary so we could work things out together on a weekly basis to help me to say things before "I explode". After that somehow she wanted to know more about my past and I made an all honest attempt by sharing my trauma with her. The rest is history as they say.

I have decided I want to get out of here now that I can and I will look at the relationship as the most expensive mistake I ever made in my life. It won't be easy, but I'm determined to find happiness elsewhere.

I commend you on taking this step. Its a difficult situation and decision, but i dare say its the correct one. I genuinely believe that, and you will find happiness elsewhere.. But i would advise taking the time off as many have suggested. you dont want to end up in another asymmetric relationship, and you need time to adjust.