How do i approach this

LegacyUser

Where do i start??

My marriage broke up 6 years ago. I then made arrangements to have a **** buddy which worked out really well. a year after we decided to be friends with benefits, which also worked well. Fast forward another year and we decided to make it official and exclusive.

I have always been called a cold fish, unromantic, standoffish etc by my ex. Well yes maybe i am but i have found it to have served me well over the years. I have never felt the need to have public displays of affection, or do the whole romantic stuff. I have also over the years always kept my feelings in check, never really to give away how i feel.

Anyway, i have been seeing this current person for the last 4 years. we don't live together, i don't think it was necessary and also I am happy being on my own, i enjoy my own company and love silence and peace. After the break up of my marriage after 15 years i decided that it was what i really wanted.

If i was honest i have never really thought about my feelings for this person until today. Out of the blue this person decided that we have only about another year left in our relationship.. due to the children that I have. They were clear about this as they will be hitting the teenage years they do not want to be around when that happens. this person has never told me how they feel about me, i suppose i have never asked nor have i fished for information. I always felt that if they were with me, there must be something?

Now this is the bit i am having trouble with, i have been bombared by a rush of emotions that I am having trouble with because I cannot decide what it is exactly that I am feeling. Is it grief for the relationship, is it hurt, is it "I DON'T HAVE A FLIPPING CLUE". i don't know. I have read some of the forums on here but none have even been close to what is happening to me....

I don't know if I need advice on what to do or what to feel or what??????

WIZWEB

You started this relationship as a mutually beneficial arrangement. It developed into something more. Or did it really. The rules for both of you have changed. At least yours have in a way that suits you, You both need to compromise for there to be a long-term future. Yep neither can have it all their own way. Your emotions and panic have set in because you have been given a reality check that you both may have very different future plans. Initiate a face to face conversation and listen fully to what the other person wants and convey what you're willing to offer. If they've made up their mind that they are still leaving when scheduled believe it. They may still only see you both as ****buddies considering your current circumstances and you'll have to accept that or walk away before they do. You may be getting a lot more of that alone time you really cherish. You've made me understand the term 'you can't have your cake and eat it'.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply. I am seeing them this evening so I will have to have that face to face conversation. I suppose when we first entered this arrangement i never thought of it as long term. But over the last 4 years we have gone with the flow and it has worked well. It probably has to be the best relationship i have ever had. It is stress free and uncomplicated. This is what i crave after my marriage. Now i dont know what to think. I am feeling unsettled if that makes sense. We get on well, have the similar interests but couldn't be more different in temperment but i still think we compliment each well. I suppose what i am trying to say is that i don't want it to end

ManOfMystery

You really have to sit down and talk to her.

And in doing so, drop the guard a little bit and be mutually honest with one another about how you actually feel right now, regardless of this relationship started out or what aims you had 4yrs ago. All that matters is now - what you want now, how you feel now.

This is one of those situations where the standoffish attitude which may have served you well in the past - in terms of not leaving you exposed or vulnerable -may actually have the opposite effect here and is now being counter productive; it's possible your partner has strong feelings for you but also appears guarded because she's hasn't been able to get a read on your emotions and is thus protecting herself from being hurt. 

Equally, it's possible your partner is being quite straight up with her intentions.

The only way to know for sure is to lay your cards on the table and ask her to do the same, and be 100% honest with each other.

The Princess Bride

Out of the blue this person decided that we have only about another year left in our relationship.. due to the children that I have. They were clear about this as they will be hitting the teenage years they do not want to be around when that happens.

I'm sorry but what does this mean?
This is one of the oddest things I've ever read in here.
Yes, some children can be demonic once teenage hormones quadruple but some parents have no issues.
That'd be like ending a relationship in your 30s because chances are, you're gonna die in your 80s.

I just think that is a really odd thing for them to say.
Time for a chat I'd say.
Could it be while you were keeping your guard up, that somehow you softened and are only now realising that you've feelings for them? Now that they're talking about ending it?

For what it's worth, I'd be quite similar to you in terms of what you are looking for in a relationship and if it works, great.
But.
Sometimes things change.
And that's okay.

khaldrogo

ManOfMystery wrote:

You really have to sit down and talk to her.

I get the impression the OP is female. Not to say the FWB can't be female too....

leggo

A friend of mine used to get into situations like these and they'd always get messy. He'd call them f-buddies to us, but then meet all of their friends, their family's, do relationship stuff like go to the beach or spend the day baking cookies, then be delighted with his life because he'd be able to go off with other girls at the end of it all. Afterwards, he'd end up crushed because the girls would turn a bit crazy and start making things messy, randomly doing stuff like telling him when another guy was coming over for a date and things to deliberately needle him. It was a constant recurring theme with this guy and every girl he'd end up with would do the same thing.

I think the reason for this was that he liked to keep it casual enough that it suited his needs, then he could dip into a girlfriend experience whenever it suited him, but then back out at the same time when it didn't. The problem with that is that it doesn't take the other person's feelings into account, he's living this 'perfect life' for a time, then it turns out the other person has their own set of feelings and it's like a bomb dropped.

OP I know your setup is different and you're in a relationship with your partner, but I think based off the sound of things your predicament is similar. You describe your relationship history entirely based around how it suited you and, until now, I think you may have just gone with it and assumed your partner was good to go with your flow without necessarily considering that all these moments you're having may be contributing towards a bigger picture for them. They may have their own dreams, ambitions, goals etc and the relationship you have may not be fulfilling them for now.

The "I'm leaving in a year because your children are becoming teenagers" line stinks of BS. It's like with my friend, when they weren't getting what they wanted out of him but had locked themselves into a corner through agreeing to the 'rules' of the relationship, instead of being honest often the people he would be seeing would begin to play games to try and jolt a reaction out of him and get him to commit. It's a horrible way to go about things because it doesn't immediately solve anything, but I think they were just trying to decipher if he actually had any feelings for them and saw it going somewhere.

The solution is to talk honestly. You like this partner and want it to continue, so tell them that. But if you want it to continue and they're mentally preparing themselves to walk, then you need to be the one who compromises here. Ask them what they want in a relationship and examine if you can actually give it to them: they may want to move in, get married, have children with you, whatever. You haven't really given much of their background in the OP, but if they haven't had the experiences you have then they may want them. If you can give them it, then do. If you can't, then don't string them along and let them go or you're going to find your head absolutely wrecked as they begin to slowly detach from you until your happy relationship is ground down to nothing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

I still haven't had the face to face conversation. I suppose i could add "coward" to my list of cold fish, standoffish etc... I don't even know how to start the conversation.

When we first entered into our "arrangement", it was just sex. No bf/gf stuff, no emotional stuff, no longterm plans, etc. and it worked. It was 2 years before we had a conversation about "us". And im not even sure how that happened either. The only thing i was very clear about was that there would be no moving in together. Both of us have children from our marriages and it would be just to much of an upset for both sets of kids. I will not change my mind about this.

As for the question from the Princess bride, "I'm sorry what does that even mean"... We don't see each other unless the children are not here. I suppose they feel that since they are fast approaching the whole "i want to spend my time with my friends" rather than the weekends at their dads, they will be around more often which leaves less time for "us".

this evening since i started typing this i have realised that i am a bitch. I have kept them at arms length for the last couple of years, but if i am honest with myself, its the perfect relationship. He really makes me happy. He is probably the most sexy, honest, funny, effortless, non judgemental, non jealous man i know. He hasnt caused me any stress or tension, but he probably doesnt even know how his comment has made me feel, cause i never told him

this is the only time in the fours years we have been seeing each other, that i am at a loss. I just don't know what to do.

Big Bag of Chips

Any chance you'd actually talk to him?!

WIZWEB

just confused wrote: »

Hi OP here.

....Both of us have children from our marriages and it would be just to much of an upset for both sets of kids. I will not change my mind about this.

.....

this is the only time in the fours years we have been seeing each other, that i am at a loss. I just don't know what to do.

I don't think you're a bitch. Stubborn and a control freak perhaps! These traits can be improved upon. Also put your previous relationship away and stop comparing apples and oranges.

If you really want this relationship then you'll fight for it. He sounds like a good man to SHARE a life with. You'll have to give away some of your power to gain a future together. Otherwise you've reached a conundrum where if you continue to seek what you think you need then you'll end up with nothing. Ask yourself can you handle that outcome.

You say you don't know what to do, have sought advice here and yet you still ignore it. Talk to him, COMPROMISE and let your relationship either evolve or end.

I love my quiet time too, was pretty stubborn about it and once sacrificed a relationship because of it. Afterwards I realized that it was a serious mistake on my part. However I'd burned my bridges so to speak. All my newfound alone time was put to use reflecting on how selfish I had been. I'd rather have been enjoying that time with them. Learn from my mistake or repeat it. Your choice. My choice now is that this will be my last time giving you advice on this matter whether desired or not.

Yellow pack crisps

Forget the guy for one moment. What is it exactly that you want? As nice and cool as this guy is, are you really getting what you want from it? Maybe it's the fear of losing this outlet and not really the person that has you really flustered? After four years you definitely know whether you just like r love someone. If you just like this person then you will really get over it quick enough.