Friendships and Relationship

LegacyUser

Some context:

Myself and my girlfriend have been together a little over 2 years, living together for 9 months, both in our mid 30s. We are both high up in our careers, enjoy nice holidays, clothes etc. We have a really great, fun relationship, rarely fight, are supportive to one another. I love her a lot not just as my partner but as my best friend. My parents, sibling and her husband adore her.

The issue is shes quite socially awkward. She doesn't have many friends, a lot emigrated. She doesn't go out much. I have a big circle of friends and my girlfriend acts like she doesn't like them when we are out together. I know its because of her anxiety in big places, a lot of issue happened in her childhood that she is seeking councelling for that would attribute to this. My friends have tried with her but have given up and although invite her to places as she is my plus one don't like spending time with her because shes shy and awkward around them. I.ve talked to my partner about making an effort and she says she will but nothing materialises

Can anyone offer advise on these situations? - its very frustrating and I feel damaging my friendships

LegacyUser

Why not just let her be herself? Obviously when you put two lives together you expect a certain amount of overlap and joining in, but for the most part, why put her in uncomfortable situations? You can go along and enjoy yourself and let her sit it out. She obviously mixes well with your family if they think so much of her and that's great, they matter more than your friends, but she doesn't have to get along with your friends, so why bother pushing it?
Have you seen it from her perspective? She feels uncomfortable in a group of people who have know each other a long time and will inevitably have shared stories and relationships built up. She's far from alone in feeling uncomfortable in those situations. You've tried to change her, to push her into situations she doesn't feel comfortable in.

I don't think the change has to come from her in this situation.

Icepick

Don't take her where she does not want to be. Partners nowadays already have to fulfill too many roles.
If she wants to do something about her shyness, help her, but that's as much as you can do.

rainbowtrout

OP, for someone who is like that large groups can be exhausting and intimidating. You don't elaborate, but maybe these kind of situations are the type where there are a gang of 8 or 9 people around the table in a pub and you all know each other really well. She would be all at sea in a crowd like that.

Have you tried building things up slowly where you and her meet one or two of your friends in a less intimidating setting, where she won't be so overwhelmed and can possibly get to know them when there isn't so much pressure on her?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

Yes I've tried the smaller group situations but she would still be quiet. She doesn't drink either, theres a severe history of alcoholism in the family, which isn't a problem for me but my mates would pick up on it that she won't stay out.

Yellow pack crisps

OP imagine yourself being put in front of thousands of people unprepared and expected to make a speech, how would you feel? I guarantee this is what it's like for your GF. You're not seeing her normal but only your own. She has admitted she has problems and is seeking help and you can either be there and be supportive of her or not.

Ursus Horribilis

Also, if your girlfriend is introverted, going out with a large group of people will drain her. Some people just aren't wired to enjoy spending lots of time in larger groups.

woodchuck

To be brutally honest, you don't sound very supportive. You know she has anxiety issues and is getting counselling and yet you're on her case about "making an effort"? She IS making an effort by trying to address her issues, it will just take time.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Have you tried building things up slowly where you and her meet one or two of your friends in a less intimidating setting, where she won't be so overwhelmed and can possibly get to know them when there isn't so much pressure on her?

This is a very good idea. I wouldn't be on the same level as your girlfriend, but I definitely feel more comfortable in smaller groups, where I have a chance to connect with people on an individual level. I'm much less inclined to get involved or speak up when it's a large group situation.

HalloweenJack

havingdoubts1234 wrote: »

The issue is shes quite socially awkward. She doesn't have many friends, a lot emigrated. She doesn't go out much. I have a big circle of friends and my girlfriend acts like she doesn't like them when we are out together. I know its because of her anxiety in big places, a lot of issue happened in her childhood that she is seeking councelling for that would attribute to this. My friends have tried with her but have given up and although invite her to places as she is my plus one don't like spending time with her because shes shy and awkward around them. I.ve talked to my partner about making an effort and she says she will but nothing materialises

Do you know how she feels about this issue? Maybe she doesn't like your friends (it's not ideal but it happens), maybe she doesn't want to go out. You can always separate your GF from your friends. You don't have to have them all together.

When she goes out with you and your friends, is it at her insistence or yours? Also, most importantly, does she act the same way when she's around her own friends?

Also, her saying she will try to make an effort is one thing but if that's the kind of person she is and she's in her 30's, I can't imagine she's going to be able to change it much.

You are also aware of her problems (anxiety, shyness, socially awkward) so try and be more supportive. Added pressure on her is not going to help.

witchgirl26

OP I would be similar to your GF in a some ways. I'm quite an outgoing happy person but I struggle in large groups. My OH would have a similar large grouping of friends and for the first couple of years I would have been quite shy when it was the full group. They all knew each other so well and I felt very out of place as I didn't have the same hobbies and was obviously the newest person in the group. It was tough. I also suffer from crowd deafness a bit so dinners out and pubs with groups can prove challenging as I can't really hear conversations and I find it hard to keep up so stay quiet. You say that you're aware of your GF's anxiety but yet expect her to just be ok with things in large groups. It could take years, even with counselling, before she'll be comfortable in those situations.

I think it's a bit harsh of your friends to not like her because she's a bit shy around the group. Not exactly warm and welcoming and maybe she feels this and retreats more. They don't need to know the ins & outs of her anxiety but maybe to understand that large groups make her uneasy.

My OH tried to make it easier on me by just going out with a couple of friends most of the time and getting me comfortable with some of them so that I'd have someone I'd feel happy chatting to in the larger group. It took time but now I'm happy in the big group. That said there are times I'm just quiet and they respect that.

It's not just down to her to make the effort. Maybe she really is trying but if she's shy and quiet in big social settings it's going to be tough on her. Also sometimes we just have to accept that friends and partners don't always gel and that's ok too. You can't force a relationship between them.

SusieBlue

I am exactly like your girlfriend. I have a small (but wonderful) group of close friends, maybe only 6 of us. My boyfriend on the other hand recently went on a weekend away with a group of 25 of his closest friends and is a social butterfly. I find group situations awkward and stressful but he thrives in them.

I have been in similar situations to your girlfriend where I've gone out with his friends and maybe 1-2 of the girlfriends and unintentionally been totally left out. I couldn't join in in any conversations because they were all just bouncing off each other, I'm with my bf 3 years but some of the girlfriends are around more than 10yrs!
The other girlfriends are loud, extroverted types and the longer the night went on, the more uncomfortable I felt. I actually cried on the way home that night I felt so sh*t.

So now we have a compromise in place. Once/twice a month he'll go on a night out with his friends and I'll have my friends over to get chinese and watch a movie or else even just stay in by myself. If I feel like going out too, I'll go out with my own friends and meet him and his friends while out. That way I feel like I'm not clinging to him (not that he minds), I can mingle with his group for awhile and then go back to my own friends and I don't feel under pressure or left out.
I also have no problem with meeting up with say, less than 5 of his friends at one time because its not as scary for me. Its just very intimidating being in a large group and feeling like my boyfriend can't enjoy himself because he's looking out for me.
Its a win win for us.

Its very unfair to force your girlfriend into these situations and expect her to play the part when you know deep down how uncomfortable you're making her. Its very selfish of you and if my boyfriend kept pressuring me into situations I find make anxious and stressed I'd be reconsidering my relationship tbh.

osarusan

If everything else in the relationship is fine, I'd just leave her be. Does it have to be an issue? I can appreciate that it's ideal for you if everybody gets along great, but that doesn't seem likely, so it sounds like everybody would have a better time if she just wasn't there.

My wife and I would virtually never meet each other's friends, as we'd both find the particular brand of shyte talked to be painfully boring.

witchgirl26

HavingDoubts1234 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

Yes I've tried the smaller group situations but she would still be quiet. She doesn't drink either, theres a severe history of alcoholism in the family, which isn't a problem for me but my mates would pick up on it that she won't stay out.

OP I don't drink that much at all and yeah I'll get some slagging and teasing at the start of the night sometimes but no-one really minds and honestly it's nothing to do with them.

Is the reason she won't stay out because she doesn't want to be around drunk people considering her family history? Surely that's completely understandable!

Honestly your friends are not exactly sounding like the nicest right now considering what you've said. You're GF is quiet and shy in groups and not comfortable around drunk people which is nothing to be embarrassed by. If I was in your shoes I'd be telling your friends to cop on and stop making a deal out of it rather than asking your GF to make an effort.

woodchuck

HavingDoubts1234 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

Yes I've tried the smaller group situations but she would still be quiet. She doesn't drink either, theres a severe history of alcoholism in the family, which isn't a problem for me but my mates would pick up on it that she won't stay out.

I don't drink when I'm out. I also don't like to stay out too late. Do any of my friends or my boyfriends friends care? No! Why would anyone give a toss.

Tbh it's starting to sound like your friends are the issue, not your girlfriend. If her only crimes are being a little shy/quiet, not drinking and not staying out too late, then she's not doing anything wrong at all. If your friends are the type of people pass judgement on her for these reasons, that will just make her clam up even more.

Do you only socialise at the pub? What about going out for dinner, cinema, minigolf etc? To be honest though, your friends don't sound very nice and I wouldn't want to hang out with them either. If you want to socialise with them fair enough, but don't force your girlfriend too if she's not comfortable.

LegacyUser

We socialise in a lot of different areas. Dinner, hikes as well as the pub. They said the issue is that they feels like she doesn't want to be around them, she doesn't really engage with them, they ask her questions and she gives very one word replies which can come across as rude at times. I've said this to her.

They're not bad people I just want to make sure there's a happy medium. I'm best man next year for one of the lads and she'll have to spend a lot of time without me and I'm not sure how comfortable she'll be

SusieBlue

OP, how would you feel if she was forcing you to stay at home watching tv with her and her friends, or even just alone with her, on a regular basis, when you'd rather be out and about socialising? I bet you wouldn't be very comfortable or happy, and you'd be bored. And I bet you and many others would think she is controlling and be telling you to dump her.

So why is it different for you to be putting pressure on her to go out? Is it not the same?

sbsquarepants

There's a sliding scale from extrovert to introvert. I've noticed that the closer you get to the extroverted end, the people who inhabit there have this tendency to think that the others need "fixing" to be more like them.
They don't!

sbsquarepants

Another thing OP - I drink, but I can't stand being around drunk people if I'm sober.

I've recently moved out of Dublin and have missed a few work do's and nights out etc. because I can't get home too handy. My missus often asks why don't I drive in and just not drink - I'd honestly rather stay at home and watch the telly. Drunk people are irritating as hell when you're sober. I don't blame your girlfriend for not wanting to be there, at least she goes, probably for your sake - I'd just refuse point blank!

December2012

Have they changed their behaviour for her? Why is it all one way?

stop animal cruelty

Sounds to me you care too much what your friends think, than actually understanding what these situations are like for your gf.

I would be like your gf, we dont choose what makes our anxiety go into over drive, or be shy in certain situations. And sure as hell of we could choose, being anxious is the last thing we would want to be!

You do sound like you are mad about your gf, and ld really hope you will pick her over giving a **** what narrow minded people think. Your friends shouldnt be pointing out shes shy or leaving early on a night out, so what. Thats just making an issue out of an non issue.

I think nowadays people expect their partners to be perfect, so that it looks like they hit the jackpot or doing so well for themselves. But if this becomes a bigger problem for you, its aswell off to end. Your gf will pick up the fact u have a problem and it she will prob feel shes the one at fault.

Triceratops Ballet

HavingDoubts1234 wrote: »

We socialise in a lot of different areas. Dinner, hikes as well as the pub. They said the issue is that they feels like she doesn't want to be around them, she doesn't really engage with them, they ask her questions and she gives very one word replies which can come across as rude at times. I've said this to her.

They're not bad people I just want to make sure there's a happy medium. I'm best man next year for one of the lads and she'll have to spend a lot of time without me and I'm not sure how comfortable she'll be

Op your friends could be talking about me there too, I just don't strike up an instant rapport with new people, and it takes me a very long time to be comfortable with people.
The sheer amount of energy it takes me to power through social situations like you've described is unreal. Even just being present is draining let alone being expected to be charming and effervescent.
People always think I'm rude, I'm not though it's just something that's really difficult for me, I also don't have a compulsion to fill up empty air with words.

As for the wedding, if she's anything like me she won't be comfortable at all, that's the kind of thing I'd already be nervous about.

I think you need to cut her some slack tbh, if I was dating a guy who was critiquing me in that way, I'd be reconsidering our relationship. You know she's working on it, it's not easy for her, ease off and have a word with your mates

Big Bag of Chips

You seem more concerned with your friends and how she makes them feel than how she feels. You don't have to socialise in a gang with her. Your first post was so full of love and admiration for her, how wonderful she is, how happy she makes you feel etc but then after that it all changed to how your friends view her, what your friends think of her (or what you think your friends think of her).

Who cares what your friends think? She's going out with you, not your friends. You can have both, but you don't need to force your girlfriend to have you and them. If she's uncomfortable being out with a big crowd, why on earth would you force the issue? How would you like if for example she regularly tried to force you out on a big group shopping day, where you were expected to not only follow around a group of shoppers, but comment enthusiastically on their choice of outfits and maybe even make some outfit suggestions for them? If that's not your thing, then that's not your thing. Same with her. If she's happy for you go out in a group without her then I don't see why you feel she should have to join you, especially as the only reason you seem to have is to please your mates. You can make time for both separately.

You love her, for her, the person she is. Don't try change her into a different person just because you think your friends would prefer that.

Airyfairy12

She has an anxiety around people, thats not something she can control and its not a choice, she probably feels bad enough about herself without you telling her to make more of an effort and your friends excluding her because she's awkward, theres worse things someone can be. You make it sound like she's a big inconvenience to you and your mates, can you not just accept her as she is? Maybe if she didnt feel so judged by all of you she'd relax a bit more. Not much chance of that happening now though after youve made her self conscious. Can your friends not accept anyone different to themselves? Shaming her and trying to force her to conform to your expectations and standards doesn't sound very supportive. I wonder if the tables were turned how youd deal with social anxiety and then being shamed for not performing well enough in social situations.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, living with someone living with anxiety isn't easy. It does limit you. It does restrict you. But if you accept a relationship with that person, you accept that about them. It seems she puts herself in uncomfortable positions because she knows that's what you want her to do. She's trying. She just can never fully be that person that you (or your friends) want her to be.

If you love her, it doesn't matter what others think. If you feel that her anxiety is causing you problems that you can't get over, then do the kind thing and leave her. But take responsibility for not being able to handle it yourself, don't blame it on your friends!

It's not easy, and it's not for everyone.

Icepick

HavingDoubts1234 wrote: »

We socialise in a lot of different areas. Dinner, hikes as well as the pub. They said the issue is that they feels like she doesn't want to be around them, she doesn't really engage with them, they ask her questions and she gives very one word replies which can come across as rude at times. I've said this to her.

They're not bad people I just want to make sure there's a happy medium. I'm best man next year for one of the lads and she'll have to spend a lot of time without me and I'm not sure how comfortable she'll be

Stop being so needy. She is your gf, not your friends' friend.

shellycub

I know other people have said similar to what I'm about to say but still felt the need to reply. I am a shy person and can be very socially awkward with people I don't know.

When my boyf and I began dating I would have a knot in my stomach all day before meeting his family or going out with his friends. This lasted a few months and still reappears depending on who we might be meeting or where we might be going.

I understand how it can be tiring for people trying to make conversation and not getting much in return and I can see where your friends are coming from.

But in my experience people who have never experienced shyness or anxiety themselves dont understand it and so take it as rude. Your froends sound like a confident group of people with the added years of knowing each other and inside jokes I'm guessing. Going to a play or show or something is good as it gives something to talk about.

Asking your girlfriend to make an effort is unfair, if she's like me she probably feels sick at the thought of these events.

Have you tried beginning conversations which you know will get her talking?

You sound like you really love her and if you do then you should stick up for her when your friends say she is rude and try to get them to be more understanding.

strandroad

HavingDoubts1234 wrote: »

We socialise in a lot of different areas. Dinner, hikes as well as the pub.

In fairness that's not a of lot of different areas at all! Dinner or pub are just talking, and they both involve drinking which your girlfriend has legitimate reasons not to appreciate. Hiking is marginally better but as walking & talking it might be a strain to her as well.

I understand that you don't want them to be strangers, but instead of trying to forcibly embed your girlfriend in your existing socialising circle, why don't you do it the other way round? What actual activities are you doing with your gf, do you go to the gym, cooking classes, plays, table quizzes, dunno, making Christmas wreaths?... Why don't you bring no more than one or two friends along - so that she can get to know them but is not overwhelmed, and most importantly has an actual activity to occupy herself with or comment on, instead of being forced to converse about nothing in particular with a bunch of people?

The way things are you are being quite hard on her, and fairly selfish.

laserlad2010

Ah here! Give the lad a break. I think he just doesn't understand - which is not a crime.

He clearly loves the girl dearly and wants her to be part of his social circle. If he didn't give a toss he'd be leaving her out of the nights out, but he isn't.

He's just looking for advice. It's perfectly fine to explain introverts and anxiety to him but saying he's a bad boyfriend or should leave her is typical keyboard warrior stuff.

OP, as many have said, it might be a good idea to be strategic about socialising with your GF. Perhaps identify a few nights where she would come along and make the effort to connect with your friends, and then agree that she wouldn't have to go to things she doesn't want to go to. Then, try to break your friends into smaller chunks - maybe by doing a 4 person dinner, or a coffee date, so that your GF is able to build her own friendships with your friends and have shared experiences with them.

I'm going out with a girl who suffers from anxiety. I love her to bits, she's the best thing since sliced bread. Do I wish she was more sociable? Yes. Do I wish she had more self-confidence? Yes. And sometimes I struggle with that. It's ok to admit it but you perhaps need to compromise on the socialising front.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.

Just to reiterate I'm not picking my friends over my girlfriend. I just want her to be comfortable and them to be comfortable with her.

I had a chat with my mate over the weekend, he's a groomsman at the wedding next year, so I said to my girlfriend that it would be good that she'd have a buddy at the wedding. So the 4 of us are going for a casual dinner, pizza before dinner after work. My girlfriend didn't seem as negative as usual about going, maybe its the smaller group. My mates girlfriend is sound

Yes I do wish she was note sociable and outgoing but I just have to support her and balance as much as possible

I

shellycub

That's a great idea, hope it helps!