Is it to soon?

benny79

I know this is an open ended question but how soon would you start dating again after coming out of a long term relationship? I was with my ex for 14 years we split up start of september after coming back from a 2 week holiday with kids (which I paid for and did everything, between booking the holiday and cooking and entaintaining the kids etc We have a beautiful boy together who is 8 and she has a son who is 16.Even though we had a great time. We split up a couple of years ago for about a year longest split ever and I chased her to get back for months. We got back for about 18 months was great at the start but I just felt I was doing everything and getting nothing back.. We havent been living together since we got back as when we split up she moved out and got her own place and stated to me on numerous occasions she would never live with a man again.

My family & hers taught it was messed up as when we got back that we didn't live together etc we were engaged at 1 point for a few years. but she can be very selfish. Some of her closest friends told me just to move on Im a great bloke and she is to much hard work..and my family and friends are always telling me I am always making excuses for her!

We had a little fight 2 months ago about her actions (dont want to say what over but ended up been something stupid) and she ended it 2 weeks later saying she wasn't feeling it anymore! and wants to be on her own and concentrate on her health.. She suffers with depression & has a heart condition, but does not help herself by drinking, smoking etc.. It was a hard relationship but I still have love for her and always will I suppose breaks my heart because of my son to but I see him all the time.. All my friends & family even mutual friends have told me to move on and Im a decent bloke and deserve better etc and deep down I know I have to as she has zero interest in getting back it doesnt even bother her that we are split and is going on as if everything is great! She hurt me really badly the last time I was in a bad way and went to counselling.. And I feel hurt this time too, as on a saturday she was ringing me telling me she loved than that wednesday she said no its over seemly she had told all her friends 2 weeks before! but more importantly she told her eldest son who we spent months building his trust again when we got back together I always got on great with him but he would of seen us fight a couple of times years ago and I suppose it is his mam. She is a mature woman and not a girl in her 20's.

So heres my dilemma I joined tinder and am doing surprisingly well! (never did online dating) Maybe Im more good looking than I taught I was always confident but it had taking a bit of a knock the last year as she never really showed much affection. But is it too soon to start dating we have split up in the past and I have meet great girls gone with them for a month or 2 and she would either find out and want me back and I would go running hurting the girl in the process! which I still feel bad about today even though it was years ago! Its like she has a hold over me or maybe its because of my son I cant really explain it! But this time I'm determined to keep going if I meet someone right...Maybe I was afraid of the unknow! But I have too many scares now.. and deserve like everyone to be happy..

A few of the girls that are messaging me on Tinder are hinting to meet up for a date.. Im excited and nervous at the thought of it! Kinda of feel like Im cheating! just looking for people's opinions is it too soon?

Might I just add we are getting on and haven't had a fight or anything which kinda of hurted more... its as if she just hit a light switch and it isn't bothering her at all! the first month I was a bit fcuked up over it. but even though I feel a bit sad about it still.. I'm in a much better place!

bucketybuck

No it isn't too soon, in fact it's long past the time you should have moved on and looked to your own happiness.

osarusan

Whatever about people telling you to move on, you should only be doing that if you are ready to do that. There's nothing wrong with not being ready to move on so soon...it was a long relationship.

If you are on tinder for some casual fun, and meet women who are after the same thing, then great, go for it. If you are sure you are over things and ready for a new relationship, then great.

But I'd just be wary of getting into a relationship with somebody who is looking for something serious, until you are pretty sure that you really are ready to move on and won't 'go running, hurting the girl in the process'.

Tigger99

If you feel like you would be cheating on her by going on dates then you most definitely haven't moved on.

If you do go on dates I'd advise you to tell women beforehand that you are recently broken up with your ex and let them make a call then on meeting you. I certainly wouldn't and was pretty pissed off recently that someone I had a date kept it from me until the date (their words) as they were obviously not over the relationship.

Also you might be over her (which I'm not sure of based on your posts) but you mightnt be over the trauma of the relationship which sounded messy and stressful.

benny79

osarusan wrote: »

Whatever about people telling you to move on, you should only be doing that if you are ready to do that. There's nothing wrong with not being ready to move on so soon...it was a long relationship.

If you are on tinder for some casual fun, and meet women who are after the same thing, then great, go for it. If you are sure you are over things and ready for a new relationship, then great.

But I'd just be wary of getting into a relationship with somebody who is looking for something serious, until you are pretty sure that you really are ready to move on and won't 'go running, hurting the girl in the process'.

See this is the thing when we split for the year She went into hospital for depression wanted nothing to do we me & was with someone.. So I moved on 2 months later met a lovely girl who had everything.. went out with her for 3/4 months.. Seen my ex out 1 night my heart/head knew I wanted her back.. Called it off with the girl I was seeing (in hindsight a big mistake!) chased her she wanted nothing to do with me (thats when I found out she was seeing someone..) Had a bit of a break down and I was stupid for letting the other girl go ( I was mad about her) etc then went out had a few one night stands etc which made me worse! Than went to counselling.. we were civil together for our son obviously than 6 months later we got back together but it was all me doing the work/chasing etc..

Friends have said to me that no bloke would stick her because of her depression, selfishness etc and I know no different because my mam has suffered with it all my life!

Just like to point out Im not a soft bloke! Its just we have a son together and have to see her regularly obviously we get on but it still hurts that she couldn't try! but it doesnt seem to bother her! before we had are son things were much different she always done the chasing.. but I would of never hurt her the way she hurt me..

So I dont want 1 night stands, fwb, not sure if Im over her but than part of me thinks Ill never will be because of are son.. I dont know if I want a serious relationship either just maybe to date and see where it goes..

I just want happiness I suppose.. A mates wife thinks I should definitely start dating and just see what happens take things slow etc.. That I deserve someone great in my life if you get me..

Reading over this makes me sound like I'm weak loser ha.. but Im far from it.. My boy and family were my world he still is.. and I have worried over her for such a long time.. so for her not to try (she done it by text by the way and wouldn't even discuss it) and told everyone before me.. (shes 39 ffs) Stings a bit..

benny79

See there was 2 things I never want to happen in my life have kids and for my dad not to see them.. He died by a heart attack at 60 and my son was born 10 months later..

And to have a kid for someone I'm not with...

Yellow pack crisps

You sound like the victim of abuse and you think you do not deserve to be happy. You do. Let her grasp go and be guilt free to find your own happiness. Your step son will see you for who you are eventually and your son will thank you for not raising him in an angry and unstable home. It will be tough along the way but ultimately worthwhile.

beefburrito

Go for it....
You're entitled to be happy, living with someone with depression can be challenging and interesting.

I know it's not your exe's fault if she's depressed I empathize with her condition.

Depression has a ripple effect on everyone and the people closest holding it all together nearly end up as sick as the person depressed.

It's like living with a gambler or addict, similar trait's, emotional turmoil and worry.

She did the right thing for everyone and she has to be respected for her honesty.

I'm on tinder and only had one date even though I've a few hundred matches.

Go easy on yourself enjoy your new life and adventures....

Wishing you luck

benny79

Cheers Beef really means alot! I know in a way she is kind of setting me free! she has just changed so much since the last year or 2.. Like I wouldnt have seen her in a week, call up & looking forward to seeing her and it wouldn't even bother her no kiss hug anything.. Like it doesn't bother her that were split.. nothing .. My ex from years ago, I split up with her, my first love but we weren't getting on but it still hurt and took me 2 years before I was with anyone else.. And I never had to see her again..

When we came back from holidays she asked me for money for back to school for my little fella I give her money before we went but told her Id give her more when I got paid (get paid by the month) So back a week she asks Im like ffs were only back from holidays which I paid for I haven't got paid yet!.. Her response was I didnt ask you to bring us away that was your idea! That stung...

But look it is what it is.. We get on so thats something.. I take my son whenever I want and have him nearly half the week.. Its.. Im just afraid Ill meet someone nice and she will pull me back.. I really dont want that to happen again.. but I think Im in a better place this time round..

WIZWEB

Your ex's health issues are sad but she needs to take responsibility for addressing them as a grown adult. They may influence but they don't excuse her disrespect of you. She is also extremely selfish and manipulative. These two personality traits are difficult to change as you well know from such a long-term commitment. The same traits are toxic towards any relationship. Sounds like she's enjoyed pulling your strings and having control for a long time. She'll only ever achieve such ambitions if you continue to enable her. As long as your personal boundaries remain flexible you'll be open to further abuse. Remember she knows how to play you knowing you so well.

Sometimes we can be just as addicted to the drama of the neverending chase for crumbs. Those highs and lows you don't get in a 'normal' healthy relationship. Keep your shared childcare responsibilities amicable and outside that concentrate on your needs first. Enjoy dating others but only if you've dealt with previous significant baggage. They don't deserve to be hurt in all this. You may have to step back again to work more on the relationship you need with yourself. That's okay. No need to rush these things. Your mental health is your priority. Don't expect others to love you though if you're still obsessed with another and offer little love for yourself. Besides responsible childcare you've no other obligations to a dysfunctional ex whatever the timeline shared. You have choices so stop feeding this unhealthy addiction.

benny79

Hi Wiz, Your right and I agree totally. Listen I am descent down to earth bloke a bit of a thinker as in I over analyze everything..(must be because I'm an only child ) and I agree about hurting other girls trust me I still feel bad about dumping the 2 girls I was seeing when I split with her over the years! mainly the last one 2 years ago as I was seeing her for 4/5 months.. But I kind of bottled it as found excuses like she never asked about my son etc but it was really down to me wanting to get back with my ex..

I still kick myself to this day! not just because we split, but I always think what if I had of stayed with them.. I hate myself for not having the bottle to push on and not look back.. but maybe its the draw of my son.. but I have seen over the last few months that she is never going to change she will always blame her illnesses yet still drinks excessive when drinking, do drugs ie cannabis when she suffers with depression & has a heart condition..

Still hurts though..

Yet I joined Tinder just for a laugh and have a girl messaging me saying im fit and wanting to meet etc an ecoboost most definitely! and totally alien! as I haven't been paid any comments in so long! Even though I have always gone out of my way to make her feel good etc... I guess I just never expected my life to end up this way...But listen I'm no fool and try treat people as I would like to be treated so if I do decide to go on any dates I will be laying my cards on the table from the start..

WIZWEB

Hey again Benny,

. You do certainly come across as a decent soul. Don't ever question this. I appreciate your honesty.It is difficult opening up to strangers. My honesty may appear a little harsh below....

. Not a judgement just an observation but your reply is again mainly a display of your continuing emotional obsession with this toxic ex. Sometimes we develop a really unhealthy psychological attachment to our abusers. Even long after they are out of our lives. It's called trauma bonding. You may have started this former relationship on an emotional high to hook you. Your expectations as evidenced were then definitely managed down over time and the occasional crumb encourages this ongoing cognitive dissonance (head fookery). It fuels the constant reengagement in this addiction towards her. This like any destructive addiction needs to be addressed. Preferably professionally. Disengage otherwise you'll continue to seek out your next emotionally destructive 'fix'. I'm speaking from personal experience here so forgive me if I'm progecting.

. Your ex is likely self-medicating her depression by abusing alcohol and drugs. If these activities are putting children at risk then you need to contact your local social work team.

. It's interesting that this ex has depression as does your mother. We often subconsciously seek out the familiar in other relationships. It's an awful illness for those diagnosed. However sometimes those closest to them can be brought into this emotional turmoil and normalize destructive patterns.

. There's also a pattern I'm seeing here where you're seeking validation from others instead of internally and then basing your worth on their perceived judgements. Address your low self-esteem. This will also help you establish personal boundaries.

. Tinder and other apps are great for meeting new people. It's great when people like our profiles. However it's also very fickle and shallow at times. Your ego (self-esteem) needs to be boosted by you not some strangers. Otherwise you'll open yourself up to other toxic relationships. Your lack of self love is fueling this external validation seeking. Don't build up your fantasies too much this early on or you'll prime yourself for more hurt if it doesn't work out. You need to meet first and have several dates with this lady and others. Ultimately just have fun dates. Meetup.com is a great way of finding others with definite shared interests. Consider it. Be guarded in what you share too early. This could be used against you later or used as an excuse for them to run. Certainly don't jump into a relationship just because someone says they like you. Use your thinking skills to assess first what do you like about them besides their looks. Also what you dislike is key. If there's serious 'red flags' then politely say goodbye and move on to the next prospect. You've had enough drama lama wouldn't you agree.

benny79

Cheers Wiz agree way too much drama for one's life! Just about her depression and my mam.. I never knew she had depression until our son was born that was 6 years of us going out together which was probably the best time in all honestly. She told me she never told me because of my mam. But she got postnatal depression really bad when are son was born went to health centre Doc who put her on prozac and she was grand for few years.. Tried to come off it as its obviously very bad and has been up and down the last few years.. The health system is wrong in some ways but thats a discussing for another day.

I got her a book recently about alternatives to tranquilizers written by an Irish GP who is now based in wexford. Basicly about natural medication. Going against how you go to a doctors you say your depressed they give you a prescription and off you go. He changed my friends sisters life around! I offered to bring her down & even pay to see him its €200 but he spends about 3 hrs with you for the first time. My ex didnt even bother to read it and said she heard it all before.. and give it to her mate who also suffers with depression but has overcome it and isnt on any medication.. So what else can you do.. I cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves.. Its not an obsession.. Its an end of a 14 year relationship of someone I truly loved and care for but yes the last few years have been treated bad in hindsight.. but it still doesnt make it easy and to be honest I will always feel say reflecting on it.. But I do deserve better I have done all I can..

I just got really bad the last time and my own health suffered and I really don't want to go down that road again.. I was grand for 6 months and then bam it just hit me when I seen her out! Even though I would of seen her regularly collecting my son! Maybe it was the fact she was out, looked well and normal.When shes well and in good form she is wonderful to be around but it's to few and far inbetween and only a mask..

I know how sceptical Tinder and the internet is.. its just really helping me take my mind of things and actually cheering me up just been matched to nice looking girls

Have to say I was really sceptical about starting this thread but I feel it has really helped..

Thanks again its much appreciated.

WIZWEB

You're welcome Benny.

I've made a couple of edits to my previous post for further clarification. One is in the beginning of the paragraph about the obsession assertions. The other is in the paragraph about your mother and former partner sharing depression.

I wish you the best in moving forward from the past.

Take care.

benny79

Just a quick update.

So I met a Brazilian girl through a mutual friend we hit it off really well she is gorgeous and very affectionate which is alien to me! and seems to be really into me..

I really like her and have been on 2 dates so far.. I have my guard up a bit and just enjoying it slowly.. But I cant help feeling a bit bad at times.. Someone close to me said you tried with my Ex it didnt work. She is very selfish has a lot of issues etc That its time for me to look after myself and be happy!

I see my ex regularly and we are getting on which is get for my son but I do limit my contact with her as much as possible.. Now I know people will say I am not over her etc truth is part of me will never be as she's the mother of my son.. But I realise how bad I have been treated and have looked up trauma bonding & was quite scared as how I related to some of it! She is seen me happy & been overly nice this has happened before.. but if she asked me to give it another go I would have to say no.. and I would actually feel sad about that.

Suppose I have been in a bad relationship for so long I forgot how good a proper one is! Its been 3 months since we split and to be honest Ive been unhappy for quite a while.. My friends wife told me to grab this girl with both hands stop stressing about everything I over think things way too much! these things don't happen everyday.. There's nothing wrong with me been happy! and to embrace it and enjoy it...

Emme

OP once your ex finds out about your and this Brazilian girl she will try to get back to you again. And if you go back to her she will treat you the same all over again. Get on with your life.