Marriage trouble

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm writing this in despair. My marriage is on the rocks and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I'm walking depressed with the situation and its affected my relationship drastically.

I started going out with my wife to be in 2011. We had the best times. We started renting together in 2013 and I proposed later on in the year thinking this was it for me. We had a super relationship, we did things, we went out, we went on holidays. I find myself looking back on those times. We moved out of that house in 2015 to her parents to save for a house deposit and wedding. We then got married and pregnant. We were under pressure to get a house before the baby arrived. We just about secured a mortgage and moved into the house days before the baby was born. That was a very stressful half year after years of bliss. We had not secured enough of a deposit so we accepted a deposit of 40k from her dad. We agreed to pay back €1000 a month which was do-able by the figures, would be tight but do-able. I thought, ok finally we have the house and baby and a manageable loan. now to enjoy life. How wrong was I.

Stress doubled/tripled even.. Baby arrived and my life was turned upside down. I COMPLETELY underestimated what was involved with a baby, completely. Its left me shell shocked, anxious and withdrawing.. a year later I'm not even half the man I used to be. I find myself looking forward to when he goes down so we can relax and watch some tv together. I am trying to get out there. I go running every few evenings. I have asked my relative to include me in their next cycle day etc etc..

Due to other financial issues and going down to one income (Wife didnt go back to work after maternity and is changing career and currently studying), we have only managed to pay back €5000.. To me this is so depressing. Our lives are so restrictive due to finance and we've only managed to pay back €5000 in 12 months. We have no emergency fund! The house needs bits done and Christmas is coming up. We have another €35000 to go to pay the father in law. Its soul destroying how slow this is taking, much longer than expected. I panicked about this and other issues earlier on in the year and things escalated really bad, I was almost thrown out of the house, car packed with my clothes.. I have really worked on things since but the feelings or worry have never gone away, I just manage them better I believe. On top of that, Im unhappy in the direction we're going. My daily routine now is just not being happy. I just am not a child person. I go home with a false face, more positive then I really am. I love my boy to bits don't get me wrong. My wife knows I hesitated with the idea of a second child. She's happy with one, I'm happy with one, but we convinced ourselves earlier in the year he needs a sibling. I hate to think of going through all this again. hate it. This will never end I feel.

Due to these issues I dont believe I'm myself or the person she fell in love with. I'm an anxious person in general but its causing me to be negative around the house, around her and about our future.. as in not making decisions. I don't push for new things due to finances and whether we could afford it. I end up just sitting back saying nothing which is very frustrating for my wife. I just go into a shell. She is the person that pushes for things. She takes care of our child at home while I go to work and she feels like she has to do everything. Everything has changed for her, new house, new body, change of career, new life. I have taken her for granted in certain things during the year, definitely which I've proactively tried to work on. There's other issues were she makes the decisions, I'm just along for the ride. I really believe this is due to me feeling trapped financially for certain things, other things like planning for the second child I tend to drag my heels as its just something I really don't want and i feel my gut tighten up whenever a chat about it comes up. She sees all of this as me being lazy or whatever which has caused problems. We're in a vicious circle. We have issues, I say I'll work on this or that and a few weeks later we're back again at square one as I've made the same mistakes or new ones. I'm at the point where I was contemplating telling her I'm unhappy as I believe this circle is due to my underlining unhappiness showing its ugly head every few weeks. I'd rather sell the house we're in, get somewhere smaller to get rid of that huge loan that's swallowed us up. Maybe then I could come around to the second child plan, but I am afraid. Would it be easier to just go our own ways?

I have had generalized anxiety all my life, as far back as I can remember. It certainly doesn't help

Nowadays I've tried to get myself and wife out on date nights, even new fresh ideas but they never happened. We've been out once.. once in about 15 months..

We are having petty arguments now. She feels like we're always fighting. I hate it. She would tell me or advise me to do something different, especially about the baby, but I'd already had been working on it and talk over her with my point or why I did something the way I did. It would end up with a mini fight as its like I'm on the self defense. It feels like we cant deal with slight disagreements anymore as it will be seen as a fight. The thing is she feels like she nags me which she hates. I dont seem to do things as she would expect around the baby. I would take care of the baby and when my wife comes back from whatever she was doing its like an investigation on how well I performed. She doesnt want to do this, I dont want her to do this. Its not fair on either of us and I really do try get things right, but I do make regular mistakes.

I dont know if this is all coming from the loan repayment financial stress or not. I sometimes try to imagine having that extra €1000 a month income and with my wife working in her new career too, would I be more open to the second child with less financial strain?? Im afraid of jumping into having the second child with my mindset as it is. I'm afraid our relationship will end and we'll have a house and two children to deal with in a separation or divorce.

We even these days sometimes have so much fun and laughter looking at something on the tv or reacting to something we see, but then one sentence said wrong or picked up wrong can change it all around so fast as things are bubbling under the surface

WIZWEB

. Work on your anxiety to help with your overall perspective. Consider professional help if not currently doing so. I don't mean just the medical model. Medication though beneficial in certain circumstances will not resolve your triggers. Solution focused talk therapy more relevant.

. As you got this loan from familly surely a new compromise can be reached with payback considering the change in your combined financial circumstances. Your partner chose not to go back to full time employment so her father should allow for this in new payback expectations. Put pride aside.

. Explore various solutions preferably together instead of catastrohising.

. Mutually share responsibilities. Including financial ones fairly. Nobody deserves a monopoly on guilt or blame.

. Open channels of communication to each other. This may need a neutral peacemaker. Perhaps consider joint counselling. Needs two willing participants though.

. New babies are stressful and expensive. How about sourcing affordable/free babysitting options like extended family? A few hours away from it all is a necessity. Both of you leave guilt at the door during these escapes.

. Work on your own 'me time'. Don't depend on others to accomadate you when actively pursuing their own goals. Perhaps join a Meetup group and escape from your nearest and dearest occasionally. There are even ones specifically for those suffering with anxiety. Yes it's allowed to be a little bit selfish. Again separation from stressors helps with perspective.

. Xmas is coming and you say work is 'needed' on the house. Can this work not wait until better financial times? Do young children really need small fortunes spent on toys?

. Your anxiety does not absolve the responsibility of other adults to compromise and work on resolving joint issues.

. Together look at ways of cutting back unnessasary expenditures. There might be cheaper insurance available. Maybe there are two cars when only one is needed. Consider more affordable options for groceries. Changing utility providers can save hundreds a year. Etc....

. There are many free options out there to offer various supports including financial. Source them together and utilize these to alleviate stress.

Deusexmachina

Great advice WIZWEB.

December2012

There’s no time limit on when you can have your second child. Mine are almost 3 years apart and it’s perfect for them - close enough to be similar, separate enough to be independent. Friends with children 4 years apart and more say the same

Also here’s an open secret - small children are not always enjoyable! We love it when they go to bed. We love our alone time. We need it. We still love them!

Do you have any fun one on one time with your boy? Could you bring him swimming or to the playground? Something where you’re physical with him is great for bonding and fun and also gives your wife a break.

What does the relative who loaned the money say?

Also has your wife considered childminding to make money?

silverharp

on the baby front it will get easier, every little phase they have seems like an eternity and you will start to have fun with him. as for your finances , i wouldnt worry about the loan from your inlaw, let you wife deal with that, your wife chose to stop working and im sure her dad is happy to support her, she can pay him back when she starts working again. the other stuff just let go, whatever needs to be fixed in the house can wait and xmas can be done on the cheap.
but you need to get involved in the big decisions its the only way to ensure you are on the same page. most decisions are obvious based on your circumstances and assuming your wife is a goodin' and not unreasonable you can forge your way together

leggo

You've got some great practical tips here and I'm sure more to come so I'll leave that aspect.

For me what's sticking out is:

1) Your anxiety and,
2) You making decisions quickly before you're sure of them.

One is leading to the other. You got married the same year you got engaged. You make a plan to repay a big loan then your wife decides she's not going to go back to full-time work. You have a small child you're both still learning to raise and you both decide it needs a sibling, no questions asked, regardless of the fact that you're still struggling to make this situation work. What is going on here guys? Do you realise these are all decisions you're making and that you can also postpone making these decisions until you feel ready to do so?

Is your wife passive-aggressively pushing you into this stuff and you're just going along with it to keep her happy? Or do you have one of these 'plans' that so many have (e.g. Get married, 2 kids and a house by 35 etc) that you're sticking to religiously regardless of if you're ready or not? Are you comparing yourself to friends or family and doing stuff because they're doing it too and you feel like you have to?

This is YOUR life. YOU are in control and can do/not do these things at your leisure. Talk to your wife and come up with a realistic plan that you can both manage and that deals with the facts of your situation. Think things through, plan, budget, prepare, make sure these huge decisions are actually viable. These are basic steps for a couple that ideally are in place before you have the house, baby etc. You already have them, grand, so you have to deal with things on the hop now, but still plan things out. Don't be pushed into decisions you're not comfortable with and don't put off planning and talking things out because it's stressful and seems unmanageable. Is this situation you're in now really preferable to that?! You're already stressed to the max as is!

I don't mean to come off like I'm having a go OP, I genuinely feel for you reading your post. It's just that there are steps you can take today to make all of this easier, so take them.

benny79

All great advice above!

I bricked myself when my missus was pregant bought loads of books never read any of them and panicked when he was born! But after a week or 2 could get what all the stress was about but of course you still look forward to when there put down.. but embrace it and have some alone time with him even if its just playing with him on the floor, swimming etc..

2 things stand out here.

1. Financially.. This is the major problem you need to discuss this with your wife how its affecting you and see what you's can do.. ie both talk to her dad.. Tell her how much of a burden its causing you.. Trust me most blokes wouldn't give a **** if they got a loan of the inlaws.

2. Talk to your wife communicate tell her how you feel that you still love her you feel trapped with loan etc arrange a date night and actually go on it! All the other things are minor Im in my house 14 years and still doing stuff to it..

And remember the best things in life are free

Estrellita

Your post is so intense, it made for hard reading. You didn't get to were you are today based on everyone's decisions bar yours. I'm a little annoyed you're playing victim here. If you know you have anxiety problems, then go to your GP and tell him or her. Explain the enormity of the impact it's having on your life. You can't just sit on your hands and expect change, it won't happen on its own!

Don't think I'm just siding with the female here, but you're going to have to pull your shít together. Stop going around like a moody teenager, and address your problems like an adult. You only go on about how this is all effecting you, but by not taking responsibility for your problems you're dragging your wife and child down with you. How do you think this is effecting your wife? And in turn your child?

One thing that's most notable is that you don't refer to them in an affectionate way. You carry on like your life is being managed by someone else. For God sake, sack up and do some growing up, fast.

Approach your Father in law with your wife and tell him you're under extreme pressure, the financial burden is stressing you BOTH no end, and ask if there is a possibility of restructuring the loan repayments.

Don't let problems build up like this build up again. Bottling up is having an effect on more than you I hope your realise. I think you need to speak to your wife about your relationship too. I think it would break her heart to hear you speak so coldly about her and your child. You either love them or you don't. If you do, SHOW it more. You're a family now, a unit. You go on like you're having some sort of out of body experience. Well this is real life, and you need to look at how your actions - or lack of, is effecting the happiness of your family.

I've a six month old myself, and yes it's been bloody hard. She is my third, and I'm breastfeeding her. That in itself is hard going for a woman. The chores - dirty nappies, washing, bathing, colic, teething etc etc.. the list is endless. But these little beings are our own flesh and blood! We would do anything on God's green earth to protect them. It's not always going to be this hard though. As the sleepless nights begin to fall into a nice routine you start to feel normal again. As baby develops and becomes more responsive it's very rewarding, and just gets better and better. You sound quite resentful at times, when you don't realise what wonderful gifts you have in your wife and child (a miracle itself).

Take control of your mental health and your life.

GingerLily

I'm actually a bit shocked that you haven't talked to your father in law about restructuring your loan repayments given that your wife was on maternity leave / studying.

It sounds like your wife is not taking full responsibility for your financial situation and your not appreciating your paternal duties.

It sounds like you haven't bonded with your baby at all, that's really worrying.

ciara007

Your post made for very difficult reading Its obvious how stressed out you feel. Having a baby totally turns your life around but Its crucial that you take time out to bond with your son and get some one on one time together. Since my little girl was born myself and my partner have spent one night away from her but now that she is getting a little bit older we are making more of an effort to go to the cinema or a drink maybe twice a month. When she was born we were living in the UK with no support at all so we very quickly had to see our self's as a little unit and no matter how tired we were or broke (that first year is so expensive) we made an effort to get out of the house and do things together even if it was just going to a local park.
You need to talk to your father in law asap and try to come to some sort of new arrangement.You could also look at your spending and see if there is anyway you could cut costs? I have started to batch cook and make a meal plan every week and this has helped us to save money. Your wife is probably under a lot of stress herself rather then join a running club a few nights a week could you try to do something that involves her too?

Ann84

Why has your wife given up work to study at this stage? You both decided to have a baby, you have a mortgage and loan - why did now seem like the best time to go to a single income household?!

You need to talk to your wife about the situation you are in, it sounds like you are carrying a lot of the financial burden and it’s getting on top of you.

meeeeh

Our kids are 5 and 8 and I still look forward to them going to bed and some adult time. Babies are boring. That doesn't make you a bad parent and it certainly doesn't mean you don't love your child. This stuff will get better although your wife should back off a bit. It's probably harder for full time parents to let go and accept others do things a bit differently. Even if your methods are less perfect in her opinion your son will be perfectly fine. So she shoud relax around parenting stuff.

Being broke isn't fun but all you are doing is paying off loan to family member slower than you agreed. I don't know how demanding your father in law is but I am pretty sure you are not waiting with dread for letters from bank every day as so many people did during recession. You will have to talk to your father in law and try to come to a bit less punishing repayment schedule. However you will have to build up a bit of resilience. Financial worries you are experiencing are actually relatively minor. I think you should talk to your GP and see if you might benefit from some counselling or at least talking to someone. I enjoy running but it's fairly solitary activity. Do you ever meet your friends and talk to them? Your attitude seems very defeatist and very passive. You really have to start to communicate with others, you didn't even tell your wife how you feel. Keep it yourself and then walking away one day when it all gets to much is a cowardly action.