Do I be bridesmaid or not? Help!

Adviceme

Okay, I really need some help.

My brother and his fiancee are due to get married Dec 2018. We all used to be close until my mum died last year. There was a huge bust up and I was in a very darkplace for a whole year or so. They said some unspeakable things and basically stopped all communication for 6 months.

I've tried to move past it and be there for them. This year I get asked to be bridesmaid. But I'm unsure if it's because I'm actually wanted there or just out of nessecity since I'm the groom's only sister...

Two weeks ago, I messaged his fiancee with a problem I was having. I got no reply. This consistently happens where they seem to want to not engage with me. Then today I get a Facebook message off her asking me to look on the Bridesmaid group chat. I left both unread.

I just think that if they can't be bothered to help me out or talk to me for weeks on end especially when my head is in a spin, is there a need for me to be bridesmaid? I don't think they really want me in their life.

Any advice on what to Do??

It sounds like they are reaching out to you. Nobody "needs" someone to be their bridesmaid. I'm sure she has lots of options.

Ask them to meet to clear the air. Go with an attitude of willingness to sort things out and be ready to hear some home truths - as well as deliver some. Then make your decision.

Also I don't know why you'd turn to people for help who you feel negatively towards. Try reaching out to someone you feel safe with instead.

Adviceme

Mystery Egg.

Thanks for the reply. I'm so confused with my head. There's so much I want to say but I'm a very nervous person and I hate confrontation.

My main irk here is that of course I want to be closer to them and that's why I keep reaching out. I crave family since as of last year both my parents are dead. But I feel as though I'm being dismissed.

That's what makes it hard for me to decide what to do next

We often have to accept that we have the family wet have, not the family we want.

But - there's nothing stopping you from trying to improve the relationship.

Forget the bridesmaid thing for a minute. You are feeling hurt and want to be closer to them. So talk to them and see about putting that right. Ask them face to face to spend a little more time with you. Be willing to support them as well as be supported. Make invitations to them as well as asking for help with problems. Make the relationship as reciprocal and positive as you can.

Then the decision about being bridesmaid will be clear.

I'm so sorry for your losses by the way. This hard, hard time will pass for you. Hang in there xx

Adviceme

Mystery Egg,

Thanks so much for the replies. I really do appreciate it. Thanks for the kind words xx

I completely get where you're coming from. I guess I'm just scared of being rejected again. I can't count the amount of times since my mum died that I cried over my brother and his woman. Being left to my own devices whilst in the heart of mourning was/is so difficult.

I've went between trying really hard to get them to be around me and love me and then the opposite which is trying to disconnect and let them come to me. It's just hard when I reach out and get stonewalled.

As you can tell, I'm a very sensitive person.

woodchuck

OP I think you should do it. You said that you had a very good relationship until your Mam died. Any trouble you've had with him since then may be a direct result of his own trauma of dealing with the death.

They wouldn't have asked you if they didn't want you. I think by declining the request you could be making things worse. If you want a shot of being close to your brother again, I think you should do it.

LegacyUser

They said unspeakable things, cut you off for six months and now they don't care enough to answer questions about something they have asked you to do on their behalf. Personally, I don't think I'd even be going to the wedding at this stage.

witchgirl26

OP I think the others are right here. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid twice and neither time was it out of an obligation. I've been to weddings where the groom only had one sister and she wasn't asked. Maybe this is their olive branch?

I don't know your brother or his fiancee but I have lost a parent and it does alter your relationships with people especially in the midst of grieving. It could be that your sis-in-law to be doesn't know how to engage with you since because she doesn't want to say the wrong thing or upset you but by not doing anything is.

This might be a little harsh and I'm sorry if it comes across that way but your brother is grieving too and maybe he can't deal with your grief as well as his own. While you might crave his support and need him, he may feel that your grief on top of his own is weighing him down and that could be why you feel stonewalled. I'm not saying it's right what he's doing but I've seen it first hand and it does happen.

Take the offer of being a bridesmaid and engage with it and them. It could be the route back to the relationship you want.

Adviceme

Guys, thank you all so much. I really needed the advice of others as sometimes it's hard to think straight. You all made really good points. I think you are all right. I'm still really hurt over the arguments and being sort of abandoned for those months. However, reading all your replies makes me feel like I should take this chance to be bridesmaid even if I'm not 100% about it or them.

I will try to start small. Be there for bridesmaid things. And then maybe bit by bit things may improve. I guess if they don't I can say I tried one last time?

Thank you all so much xxx

Yellow pack crisps

Build a bridge or don't. Whichever one you pick do it for the right reasons, grief can affect people differently and those differences can be no less painful.

GingerLily

Good luck OP, I think youre doing the right thing! Hopefully you'll be able go be closer to your brother and SIL to be because of this!

knucklehead6

I understand how you feel adviceme. My mother passed away suddenly 2 and a bit weeks ago and the time since then has been interspersed with snide comments that both my partner and I have been deeply hurt by.

However my partner and I have decided to try to rise above it, hard and all as it is when your own flesh and blood are being nasty, and I think you’ll regret it if you don’t try to do the same.

Adviceme

knucklehead6 wrote: »

I understand how you feel adviceme. My mother passed away suddenly 2 and a bit weeks ago and the time since then has been interspersed with snide comments that both my partner and I have been deeply hurt by.

However my partner and I have decided to try to rise above it, hard and all as it is when your own flesh and blood are being nasty, and I think you’ll regret it if you don’t try to do the same.

Knucklehead, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think death brings out the worst in people sometimes. It's hard because everybody is hurting and I guess people deal with that grief differently.

Sending hugs your way x

osarusan

If, in the long run, you want to have a relationship with them and be part of each other's lives, then go along with the bridesmaid thing.

I'd imagine that turning that down will pretty much end your relationship with them for good.