Analyst tells me I'm trying to ruin my life

LegacyUser

Hi,

Looking for some advice. I'm seeing a pyscoanalyst for about a year now. The problem is that I have a destructive personality against myself. I put up walls and don't let people in. I have lots of trouble discussing things with my counsellor. I have not really opened up. She says I've been very tough on her with my dismissiveness and inability to engage.

I don't let people near me, I apparently can be very offish and dismissive. I have no friends and the analyst says it is highly likely that any potential friends I had or tried to be my friend were rebutted and "made to feel like sh1t" by me.

I want to ruin things for myself. I don't want to succeed. She says I'm a masochist in that I continually ruin things which can make my life better for me. Apparently, I'm trying to destroy this theraphy I am having by not talking, saying that if it is a waste of my time then it should be okay for her as she is getting paid.

I've had ~9 previous counsellors all who I feel gave up on me. She says I probably pushed them away with my destructive personality.

I should emphasise here that there is no physical violence or shouting abuse. I just let myself wander on. I don't engage in the sessions. She will not end the sessions as she says that is what I want her to do so that I can blame her for this latest failure. I am apparently trying to push buttons subconsciously in order to make thid happen. However, she says I keep coming back because I know that there is something here for me and I know it could help me.

I don't disagree with anything that she has said. I daydream things about meeting people and getting srewed over by them and then get angry which can affect my mood for reset of day. For example, day-dreaming about meeting a girl and then getting publicly humilated by her. Getting myself beat up. Losing in the final of sports competitions by the narrowest margin and then retiring, rarely dreams about winning.

Genuinely I didn't think this was overly odd until she pointed it out. TBH, I thought everyone thought like this.

I just can't fathom why I would want to wreck my own life and make other people feel like sh1t.

The sessions are tough. We are at an impass. I kind of try to refuse to speak - not sure why. I think she is right in that I was this to end in such a way that I can make her take the blame. However, she says she has not given up on me and will not tell me to stop coming - that I must do it myself. However, I know I keep going as it is my last and only chance.

However, I'm not sure what my end goal is. To obtain my own family and gain friends is probably too late now at my age. I type that, but deep down I still want it. I'm messed up, but I know that if you mt me on the street, you would probably not tell what is going on with me.

However, people are realising. Even the woman who cuts my hair has been questioning me on my social life. I should just lie and make up some stuff. But for some reason I don't. I just say I didn't go out. They look at me in shock and possible concern. I want to tell them my problems just to get it off my chest. But I know it would be very stupid to do so.

Why should I feel that I must be attracted to my analyst in order to open up to them? I think this is a major stumbling block.

Wesser

I was wondering while I was reading your post .... what was your question going to be.... seeing as you seemed to be agreeing with your counsellor.

And then.... boom....why should I feel that I must be ATTRACTED to my analyst..... what!!!?? What has attraction got to do with it? Surely a non attractive analyst is easier to open to? Less of a distraction?

Why should you feel you must be attracted?
You shouldn't.

Why do you feel you must be attracted?
I don't know.

All I know is your analys is excellent and don't give up with him/ her!!!

Airyfairy12

Youve found a great analyst who gives constructive feedback, isnt patronising, tells you how it is and actually forces you to work through the real issues youre having instead of suggesting silly coping mechanisms like 'breathing exercises' and 'positive thinking'. Keep seeing them, they sound excellent. It's so difficult to find a good analyst.

shesty

You keep going back.
You say you 'should lie' to your hairdresser or whoever, and make stuff up but you don't.You tell the truth.
You say you want to tell everyone your thoughts and get it off your chest.

I am not an analyst but I think your brain has reached a point where it has realised enough is enough.I think you want to change, but it's just stuck in the pattern of behaviour of pushing people away, and hasn't quite worked out how to break through it and say what needs to be said.

You have a good analyst there and hopefully you get a breakthrough soon.I think you're waiting on her to give up on you since all the others have, and since she isn't you now don't really know what to do.Because the fact that she's sticking it out is going against your pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and that seems to be new.
For what it's worth, most people don't think in the destructive way you describe.

Rekop dog

Always jarring to read so many "I's" in a post. You seem very try hard and almost take pride in fact non of these analysts can fix you. You have to want to let them help you, not work against it or see it as a challenge. I think you need to get over yourself somewhat.

As for the the actual advice you're looking for in the last paragraph, it's a bit off the wall to be honest. Perhaps if you're attracted to them it can facilitate a delusional that they're your partner and genuinely interested in your issues.

SimpleDimples

I hate to break it to you but your behaviour is so typical of someone with extreme self loathing, poor self esteem and usually some deep issues arising from a non conventional childhood. How is your relationship with your mother?

You are just self sabotaging, deliberately walking out on therapists or ensuring they give up on you. You do this because underneath you all you are terrified of opening up & discussing the core hurt within you.

It may be that the relationship with your therapist is one of the few areas of control in your life. You push people to their limits so you can blame them for giving up on you - its easier than having to deal with the real issues.

Your therapist is calling you out on this classic behaviour and refuses to indulge it. Sounds like if you let them, they could actually help you & they understand your behaviour.

You have been hurt in the past & have built walls to ensure it cannot happen again.

amtc

I'm not so sure the op means attracted to therapist in a romantic or sexual way. I think they mean empathetic attraction which is kind of ironic as that's why there anyway.

Tenigate

masochist wrote: »

I daydream things about meeting people and getting srewed over by them and then get angry which can affect my mood for reset of day.

Genuinely I didn't think this was overly odd until she pointed it out. TBH, I thought everyone thought like this.

To obtain my own family and gain friends is probably too late now at my age. I type that, but deep down I still want it. I'm messed up,

Hi op, great post & one that I can relate to.. you're experiencing a lot of what I have experienced, except at a much more intense level. I've snipped your post to the bits I want to address.

I'd recommend a book called "The power of now" by Eckhart Tolle if you're willing to read something a little new age-y.

As the title suggests, the book is about living in the now, and not being trapped in your mind. Don't create a persona or a self based around your thoughts - which are influenced by your memory of your past experiences and often incorrect or false future projections

the thoughts become you, along with all the limitations you belief about yourself. worse, they trigger emotions like anger and disappointment, the emotions trigger more thoughts , and you end up living in your head instead of in the world.

I'm explaining it badly, but once you realise you're wrecking your life with an on-going, negative narrative, you'll want to change how you think. And fortunately the book gives some techniques (although I'd recommend finding a more succinct book or class to learn a meditation technique, then meditate twice a day for 15-20 minutes)

You said you thought everyone thinks like this... most people do, - at least to some extent. For one reason or another, perhaps personal circumstances or good luck, it doesn't affect everyone so badly. But the more you do it, the more debilitating it will become.

As for your last point about family and friends... and I'm sorry but this will sound cliche. But once you understand it, it will become one of those infuriating obvious things.. it's like telling a depressed person to "choose happiness".. but here goes..

You need to live in the now. learn to enjoy the present moment without turning over all the bad stuff that has happened or could happen, and be appreciative of that ability to relax and enjoy life.
the benefits are it will silence that inner noise - the constant thinking- that permeates your life and that leaves you miserable.
You'll also learn to be more appreciative of what you have. You might find that it is enough, and you don't need more friends.. or even better, people might become drawn to you and your ability to form relationships will improve.

But it starts with you. Your psychotherapist can only guide you to understanding certain things.. and I think she's doing a good job, given that not only are you listening to the points she's making, but that she actually guided you to understanding that your thoughts are not "normal", or at least they're not conducive to your happiness.

I'm not sure constant psychotherapy is the best course of action. I know you find it useful to understand what's going on, and personally I find the accountability great.. but don't neglect the more important bit: changing your thought process from a destructive one to one that allows you to enjoy your life.

I guess you say you're not cooperating that you haven't a lot of time for techniques or activities your therapist wants you to engage in. That's fine, they're not for everyone. It's a bit harsh to say you're sabotaging yourself HOWEVER good things don't come without some degree of effort. If you're going to be stuck in the room for an hour with a therapist, you might as well try to engage even if it is only to keep her happy. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Look into the meditation anyway - it's a lot easier than psychotherapy or self-analysis once you get the hang of it. preferably go to a practitioner for guided meditation for an hour a week at first, and do it at home twice a day. I'm positive things will work out for you, just don't be too hard on yourself if things don't click in to place in weeks or even months. It will take time. Good luck!

Tenigate

masochist wrote: »

Why should I feel that I must be attracted to my analyst in order to open up to them? I think this is a major stumbling block.

One other thing. not sure what you meant by this so I ignored it.
But no, you do not need to be attracted to a therapist to open up to them, any more than you need to be attracted to a dentist to let them examine your teeth.
Lines can blur a little and it is common for a therapist to accept say, some misdirected anger as part of the therapy process. But don't forget that at the end of the day they are just a tool to help you achieve your objectives.
If you mean attracted as I think you do, you are probably just a bit starved of affection and your mind is a bit muddled. Don't entertain those thoughts, they are no different to all the other daydreams that put your head into overdrive and make you feel hurt and angry.

LynnGrace

This sounds familiar, OP. Have you posted here previously about your situation?

LegacyUser

Hi OP again.

Thanks for the replies. It is encouraging to see that you think my analyst is doing a good job. Although, in my heart, I know this too.

I posted the issue about attraction here as I was too scared to say it during counselling itself. I'm genuinely not sure as to why this needs to be so. Maybe it is a surrogate for a lack of relationship in the real world.

How is your relationship with your mother?

Good. Now with my father it's a different story. We don't/didn't get on well - esp when I was younger. However my analyst says that I am very like him. I never considered this until she pointed it out. This makes me even more angry!

You do this because underneath you all you are terrified of opening up & discussing the core hurt within you.

That has been mentioned to me.

You seem very try hard and almost take pride in fact non of these analysts can fix you. You have to want to let them help you, not work against it or see it as a challenge. I think you need to get over yourself somewhat.

I agree with you up until the last sentence. Not sure how that is intended to be helpful. Might be easy for you, but I'm finding it very difficult to change the habits of a lifetime however bad they may be.

SimpleDimples

I don't think there's much else posters can say to you that you don't already know. You've agreed with a lot of the comments :-)

You know how it is yourself & you know the only thing holding you back is fear of opening the floodgates.

This seems to have controlled your life for so long that you have a choice now either continue as is or open up to the counsellor. It might give get worse before it gets better but you have nothing to lose & everything to gain.

Your analyst may not actually think you are like your father....they may have just said to get a response. Any response just to get you to start talking. Use it as a starting point and just let it out. Refute it if you want but just start talking.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Can anyone help me figure out why I feel there must be an attraction? Is this something to do with a lack of relationships in real life? I really cannot figure out why I need this to be so.

It is stopping me from talking (partly). The other reasons I feel that stop me from talking are confusion over what I'm meant to be talking about. I'm asked to "Tell me your thoughts". I just cannot do this. Probably because I'm no good at small talk/chit chat. The other reasons are the self destruct mechanism I have and also blame for this failure which I put onto her.

I'm totally lost as to why I cannot progress here. It is causing us to have to consider quitting. Which I do not want to do (as I know there is help here for me if I can open up).

Tenigate

Do you mean a sexual attraction?

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This post has been deleted.

Hannibal_Smith

masochist wrote: »

Can anyone help me figure out why I feel there must be an attraction? Is this something to do with a lack of relationships in real life? I really cannot figure out why I need this to be so.

It is stopping me from talking (partly). The other reasons I feel that stop me from talking are confusion over what I'm meant to be talking about. I'm asked to "Tell me your thoughts". I just cannot do this. Probably because I'm no good at small talk/chit chat. The other reasons are the self destruct mechanism I have and also blame for this failure which I put onto her.

I'm totally lost as to why I cannot progress here. It is causing us to have to consider quitting. Which I do not want to do (as I know there is help here for me if I can open up).

Maybe you are progressing. You're posting here. You're able to communicate your thoughts and fears here. Probably because you are anonymous. I'm not sure how or why, but if you are isolated like it seems, perhaps you don't want anyone to bond with you, because then they would get to know you. If your self esteem is low, perhaps you are afraid others won't like what they see if you let them get to know you. Or perhaps you're afraid they'll cause you harm? And you're protecting yourself.

Not everyone is good at small talk. If someone asked me to tell them my thoughts, absolutely no way would I.

You say you want to talk about your problems and get them off your chest but you can't. You can't right now. But who's to say you won't be able to after some work with your analyst? What if that is your end goal? Whatever about marriage and a family, what if getting up every morning with a lighter mind was the objective?

I don't know why you feel there must be an attraction though.

Jenneke87

I think the reason you want there to be an attraction is so that you'll have an excuse for when the therapy fails again, so you can blame it on that-there was no attraction, I couldn't open up because of that. There is no reason that you should feel attracted to your therapist, it would only complicate things enormously. It just something that you tell yourself so you'll have an excuse to let this attempt crash as well. Don't do it, don't listen to it, and keep going no matter what,

WIZWEB

OP you may not like to hear this but your psychoanalyst sounds incredibly professional. You've disclosed their analysis of a disordered personality. These are incredibly difficult to repair. It will take a long time and you must follow the guided therapy to succeed. Such conditions usually develop from early childhood dysfunctional caregiver attachments. You may totally agree with me or deny this whether true or not. I'm not passing blame. It's part of the construct. Just a foundation to explore further. You've also conveyed your boundary challenging. Something else you will need to work on. Your diagnosis is complex and one of the attributes is to challenge the worldview of others. Even professionals! Kudos on seeking and engaging with therapy. Work at it.

LegacyUser

Such conditions usually develop from early childhood dysfunctional caregiver attachments. You may totally agree with me or deny this whether true or not. I'm not passing blame. It's part of the construct.

I totally agree with this. We have talked at length about my relationship with my father and how that despite how much I loathe him at times, yet she says that at times we are mirror images of each other. That annoys me.

I think the reason you want there to be an attraction is so that you'll have an excuse for when the therapy fails again

In regards to the attraction. I really don't know, but I need to get to the bottom of it.

I'm not sure how or why, but if you are isolated like it seems, perhaps you don't want anyone to bond with you, because then they would get to know you. If your self esteem is low, perhaps you are afraid others won't like what they see if you let them get to know you. Or perhaps you're afraid they'll cause you harm? And you're protecting yourself.

That's deep. Yes, I suppose that it is a good possibility that I am ashamed of myself. I know I don't like my looks/appearance and always feel that I've got nothing interesting to say.

I am still struggling to 'speak whats in your mind'. Drives me crazy being asked that. It annoys me to the point whereby I refuse to engage and it becomes a battle of wills to see who speaks first. Totally self destructive, I know. However, I just can't help it. Just like my anger rising day dreams.

I quit citalopram because I felt I could cope without it. I'm also taking finasteride due to hair loss. I've got some sides from it which are not cool, but I'm too scared to quit it as I don't want to lose my hair. I just feel that because I've not lived a life yet, that I can't date etc without hair. I should also mention at this stage that I've not had any relationships (I'm straight). No friends or social life either.

I know I've got a good analyst, but I'm paying money for sessions which I'm essentially wasting due to my inability/unwillingness to engage.

Hannibal_Smith

But what's the alternative if you stop going? The analyst is working well with you and you will see progress eventually. If you know a question will shut you down, she will learn that too. If you stop going you will stay as you are and you've said you don't want that. Okay it's costing you money, but it could be money well spent.

As I said before, i think a lot of people would shut down if asked to talk about what's going on in their heads. You don't have to divulge everything. Just start with how you're feeling that particular day, something small.

LegacyUser

But what's the alternative if you stop going?

There is no alternative. Due to my age, this is probably last decent chance. It has however, come probably too late for relationships and/or a family.

It is one thing to attend the sessions (and engage or not depending on my mood) but outside of the sessions, little (if anything) has actually changed. I have few friends - those that I do have are married and rarely socialise now or live away. I don't socialise. I'm not in the right frame of mind for online dating or anything like that.

I used to love travelling. However, I've been nowhere in that last two years - I've had no holidays. I can't really motivate myself to do anything about it either.

My hairline has also receded rapidly over the last year and it has made me feel even more deflated. I'm scared to stop taking the tablets as I dread to think what it would be like without them.

Has anyone been through a similar process to me? Did you get over it or did you just learn to live with it? I've just spent a few hours reading about disordered personalities and it scares me. I didn't think I was this weird. I knew I had different thoughts. I just thought I was an introvert. I can't quite figure out what cluster I'm in though - from the descriptions I recognise bits from all three clusters.