Don't Like Parents In Law

LongTimeAway · 03-11-2017 10:52pm #1

I realise this is a bit of a first world problem, in that you will say I can just avoid them (the parents in law) but its not that easy and I come from a family background where getting on with relatives is seen as a positive thing and something that adds to your life.

Anyway, my parents in law - when I was younger, I used to get on with them a bit better but they have always been rude. Since my husband's brother and sister have had families, they have got worse. We have (by choice) no children and live in a different part of the country due to work. Basically the parents in law constantly insinuate that I don't work very hard, I live off my husband for his money and any chance they have to make a little jibe, they will take it. e.g. my car had a problem starting when I was in their area and I phoned them to ask if they could give me a jump start and father in law refused, saying I should "work harder to buy a newer car". My car was only 6 years old at the time and had a fault for a couple of weeks!

At this juncture, I should add that I earn the same as my husband and am better qualified than him. But nothing I say convinces the parents in law of this. The brother in law is also rude (the one married to my husband's sister).

The parents in law also annoy me. They are wealthy, but not really of their own making - they bought in a city that rose hugely in value, they worked in public sector jobs and took very early retirement in their fifties on final salary pension schemes, and have benefitted from large inheritances two or three times. They have holiday homes in both France and Spain and have been enjoying their retirement for years, having two cars, a motorhome and a caravan. They spend money like its going out of fashion but always on themselves. This would be fine, I'd never asked nor would expect any financial help, but they like to boast about how successful and hard working they were and how I don't work hard enough (when I'm in a better paying profession than they ever were). In fact, father in law in particular is very idle and hasn't moved from his chair for years. He has done nothing with his life, I don't think he'd even hold down a job now, what with continuing performance reviews and so on.

After years of scrimping and saving and doing up run down properties, we bought a place with some land for the horses recently. The house isn't up to much and we have no central heating and damp and so on but we are doing it up gradually. Parents in law think its a disgrace that we live like this and blame it on me. For not working hard enough. They seem to think I should be some kind of slave, as opposed to a wife! Bearing in mind that for about 3 years, I held down two jobs - one full time and one teaching 3 evenings a week in the local college on top!

I generally avoid them but they've become wise to this and have taken to inviting themselves to stay at ours. They've done this twice now and it feels like an invasion of my safe space. I think the next time I will just have to tell them no, but that will be an obvious admission of warfare as it were! Even my husband admits they are rude to me but for years he has done nothing to stand up for me.

The thing is as well, I have this feeling of being hard done by in my choice of husband, related to all of this. My parents didn't have much but they helped out financially with the deposit for our first house, and we have had nothing from his parents. Just criticism. I feel I am doing all the giving financially and their side is doing all the taking, they are like leeches who would suck me dry if I was stupid enough to allow it.

They visit and they email me and I just find myself wanting nothing to do with the lot of them. I can't help wondering what would have happened if I had married into a more supportive family. My husband always seems to run up debts and I have had to pay them off a couple of times because I'm much better at managing money than he is. At the moment he has a 12,000 Visa bill and I have told him we will have to borrow on the mortgage to pay it off. I do not understand why he does not put his parents straight on the financial issue.

I'm just getting very sour of the whole thing and its getting me down because I'm wondering what I'm doing, having married into a family like this and now being related to people who have totally the opposite values that I was brought up with (good manners, not talking about money, saving for things you want to buy, helping people when necessary, even being physically active and looking after your health).

Interested to hear others' opinions on this! I got an email asking what I was doing for Christmas recently and (bearing in mind we tried to have a nice Christmas last year, just the two of us in our new home, not ready for visitors), they invited themselves to stay and ruined Christmas for me by being rude and judgemental) I wrote an arsy reply that I was going to friends (as its taken about 6 months and counting to put in central heating a new kitchen ourselves) and I didn't know what my husband was doing but maybe he could visit them.

zoobizoo · 04-11-2017 8:21am

Two issues:

1. Them
2. Your husband

You do not have to accept their horrible behaviour. They sound awful and you do not have to entertain them or their beliefs.

As for your husband - I'm wondering if he puts up with their behaviour and them because he is hoping to inherit a percentage of his parents' estate and standing up to them might put that money / property at risk?

What did your husband spend 12k on and do you have a "we need to tell each other if we're spending over €500 on something" type of rules?

GingerLily · 04-11-2017 8:47am

Ah here - your completely glossing over the obvious issue - your husbands spending - 12k! What on earth are you both doing living in a house with no central heating and letting him max out 12k on a credit card - that's ridiculous. Have you cancelled all his creditcards?

I would be interested to see what your husband says about you and your finances to his parents, I reckon he's blaming a lot of his financial debt on you to his folks hoping they'll bail him out. Otherwise where do they get the ridiculous notions that's you pulling him down financially?

bee06 · 04-11-2017 8:48am

To be honest, I think the in-laws are the least of your problems. You husband doesn’t support you, let’s his family badmouth you and is running up debts when you need to be putting money into your house. The money thing alone would be a major problem for me.

XsApollo · 04-11-2017 9:00am

For all the other problems you have.
The first one you stated when you rang the father in law about your car breaking and he didn’t help and said what he said, would be the last he would hear from me again.
Let alone all the other crap they are at Which is worse.
Put your foot down,
they are not enriching your life , so what will be the difference if you never see them again.

Big Bag of Chips · 04-11-2017 9:22am

It's a lovely notion that you'll marry someone and all become one big happy family. That only happens when people are nice! Your husband's family aren't nice people. Would you be friends with them or socialise with them if you weren't married to your husband? My husband's family are alright. There's nothing terribly "wrong" with any of them, but I'm not friends with them. And if I didn't know my husband they're not the sort of people I'd hang around with.

My husbands brother is not a particularly nice person. He is separated from him wife. I am in almost daily contact with her. We're great friends, but if I never spoke to any of his family members again it wouldn't impact my life.

You need to stop expecting something that doesn't exist. They are not nice people. Not just to you. They won't put themselves out to help anyone else. They take take take and give little in return. Your own husband included. Your relationship with your inlaws is just a distraction from the real issue. They seem obsessed with money, and money has always materialised from somewhere, that is how your husband also sees money. Your parents helped with the deposit. He over spends to the tune of €12,000 and you will bail him out by helping him clear it by topping up the mortgage.

Ignore your in-laws. They live far away from you. You don't have to see them. If they invite themselves to your house, you can be not there! Go visit your own parents, get a cheaply hotel room somewhere and go off and enjoy a peaceful weekend away from them and your husband. If they weren't your in-laws, if they were neighbours, would you still feel the need to insist on a relationship with them? Or would you quite happily stay out of their way and avoid ever having to deal with them?

Sort out your husband and his love for spending money he doesn't have. Also have a word with him about discussing your finances with them. Why do they know who earns what, who is dragging who down etc? My parents don't know our financial set up, my best friend doesn't know our financial set-up. It's nobody's business but the two of you, and if your in-laws are negatively commenting, well then they are being fed that information from somewhere..

LongTimeAway · 04-11-2017 11:45am

Thanks for all the replies. I can never work out if I'm being unnecessarily judgemental or if they really are that bad!

My husband definitely doesn't expect to inherit anything from them (they make a point of telling us every single time we see them and have made no inheritance tax planning moves). Strangely enough, his brother has been given a house by them (he told me) and they also paid to furnish it as at 33 he still hadn't left home, and he is the Golden Child. Yet they deny this, even lieing to their own son's face about it. Its as if they want to equalise things between their two sons by giving him money because otherwise he is pretty useless. Nice but useless. The sister might have been given help, I don't know. This might explain why they constantly harp on at me to "look after my husband more" and so on (they mean financially). They see me as more capable and thought they had hooked a cash cow into the family. The brother's wife and the sister's husband don't work and is a low earner respectively.

My husband doesn't tell them anything about our finances, all their comments are based on speculation which is why they are so far off the mark. They think because we don't have finance on new cars and new build houses like the rest of them, it is some black mark against us they can use to make themselves feel better in comparison.

The incident about refusing to travel 6 miles to jump start my car was awfully upsetting. I had to get it towed away, on a Sunday, at great expense. All I had been doing was waiting til the Monday or Tuesday to take it into the garage.

I'm not sure exactly how my husband has run up a 12k credit card bill but its not the first time (although 12k is a record for him). I was speaking to him about it last night and you can argue til you're blue in the face that its an idiotic thing to do and he still will not agree theres anything wrong with it. Its so frustrating. He will be cutting up his credit card once the mortgage is re-arranged. Its so stressful. He's spent on a mixture of living expenses and buying stuff to improve the land but he is very bad at project management and pays full whack for everything and doesn't plan well. He also hasn't had a proper pay rise for about 10 years and of course the cost of living has gone up. I think he lacks a good hard working male role model - the father took early retirement at 54 and has basically sat on his backside ever since while the mother had a better job and continued to work part time a little after her early retirement. The father's had two big inheritances and I'm pretty sure the family members that died would have expected him to spend on the family rather than just himself. The pair of them are very controlling and have somehow managed to create a family dynamic that means their children don't ask questions.

Parents in law are incredibly selfish and never put themselves out for anyone. Last year, mother in law had a 70th birthday party and demanded that everyone attend and stay over for the weekend in a hotel. They actually offered to pay but we refused and paid for ourselves, but that is not the issue. What person of 70 demands attendance at a birthday party like a spoilt child? The previous year it was something else, the year before that likewise and so on. Its always all about them. When they invite themselves to stay here, there is always some manufactured scene about them having to be somewhere at a certain time which stops me doing something I had planned to do well in advance, or stops my husband coming with me to help. And then I am told I am selfish and self-centred and not important and so on.

The idea about going away when they do invite themselves is a pretty good one but I'm really not happy about them inviting themselves here anyway. We actually live in England now and they are Scottish and stop off on their way to the boat to France for their holiday home as its a good midway point, and I'm sorry if I'm being unwelcoming but I've allowed it twice now and I really do not want them coming here again. I think its time they reaped the rewards of their selfishness.

I'm just waiting for the response to my arsy email about Christmas saying I was spending it with my friends. Judging by past comments, it will be along the lines of "Your duty is to be with your husband and you need to support him" and various comments about my lack of wifely skills and lack of employment (I run my own business).

Conor Bourke · 04-11-2017 12:18pm

Is there any chance that they’re asking questions of your husband re: the lack of heating etc in your house and instead of being honest with them and telling them where all the money is going, he throws you under the bus either directly by telling them you’re not ponying up the money needed to do it or indirectly allowing them to draw conclusions? You say your brother in law is useless but you’re not exactly covering your husband in glory here. He has repeatedly gotten himself into debt that you have been left with the responsibility of sorting. Having to dip into the mortgage for 12k debt is staggering! And then you post to say he sees nothing wrong with this? Plus he acknowledges that his parents are asses to you but is happy to leave them at it? I really don’t think that the in-laws are the real problem here at all...

bee06 · 04-11-2017 12:28pm

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

You say your brother in law is useless but you’re not exactly covering your husband in glory here. He has repeatedly gotten himself into debt that you have been left with the responsibility of sorting. Having to dip into the mortgage for 12k debt is staggering! And then you post to say he sees nothing wrong with this? Plus he acknowledges that his parents are asses to you but is happy to leave them at it? I really don’t think that the in-laws are the real problem here at all...

Agreed. I’m actually baffled by the fact that you don’t know what he spent this 12k on! And your making excuses for him that he doesn’t have a role model. You don’t need a role model to know not to spend 12k on a credit card!

LongTimeAway · 04-11-2017 12:31pm

Well they know we've done up a number of properties over the years to get the money to buy this place, so I think they just can't cope with anyone who doesn't go out to work in a 9-5 job and lives in a housing estate! The money has also gone on building stables for the horses but how its reached 12k I don't know. He just seems to gradually build up credit card debts whatever he does. I guess its easier to blame the incomer to the family rather than their own son for not being a high earner or themselves for being generous parents in law. I'm not that bothered about the central heating as it will come one day and we do at least have a small farm with room for the horses which has always been my dream. I'd far rather have that than central heating and a new kitchen! I agree though my husband is the product of his upbringing...

I just think his parents in law have no idea of what its like to buy property these days. We paid just short of 450k for this place (its in England), and our mortgage is 135,000. The rest of the purchase price came from money my parents gave me and profits made from doing up a few houses over the years and moving on. If you don't earn 150,000 a year or inherit and no-one gives you the money, and you want to buy a farm, that's what you have to do. Sometimes you have to wait for things like central heating, but surely people can have the sense not to invite themselves to stay when a place isn't ready for visitors!

Big Bag of Chips · 04-11-2017 12:42pm

OP, you are WAY too invested in each other's business. You complain about your in-laws and their spouses, but I'd argue that your husband would be just as useless as his brother if he didn't have you propping him up. The only difference between him and his brother is his brother doesn't have a substantial second income coming in to mask his inability to manage money.

I think you need to step back from your in-laws. Stop communicating with them and arranging Christmas with them. Let your husband communicate with them. If they email you pass it on to him and let him reply. Just be very careful that his reply isn't full of "She said.... She decided... She's not going...." It needs to be "We've decided.... We can't make it...."

Your husband's family are different to anything you've experienced in your family. My situation is similar in that my in-laws would not walk across the road to do something for anyone, whereas I have had numerous family members drive hours out of the way to help me, and I've done similar for them. In fact I've done it for my in-laws too! I just know what they're like and never expect anything from them. But it doesn't stop me being the person I am. And it doesn't stop me being polite, and courteous, and helpful when needed. I won't be made a fool of, but I won't change who I am to drop to their level.

His brothers arrangements with their parents are irrelevant to you. You don't even know for certain, you "suspect" and you say they lie to their son when he questions them. Why is he questioning them? As adults none of them are "entitled" to anything of their parents, so inheritance etc shouldn't be expected, and anything received should be seen as a bonus rather than a right.

You need to separate these two issues. You have very real problems with your husband running up constant debt. You know adding 12k to your mortgage, you are likely to pay back 24k. That IS a big deal. And cutting up a credit card won't stop him. It's very easy to apply for another one. That should be your biggest issue with your husband. You seem to think his family "owe" him something. Or that because they have money that he should benefit from it. 2 working adults, living together and earning a good wage shouldn't need any financial contribution from family, no matter how well off they are. Your problem is you are resentful of what his siblings get, and what his parents have that they don't share with you, even though you could do with it because your husband is bad with money. Get your husband's spending under control and you won't care about his family. They can then fall into the background and be something you occasionally deal with/or not, but you won't be half so resentful/expectant of them.

Edit: any chance your husband has a gambling habit?

LongTimeAway · 04-11-2017 4:51pm

Thanks for your reply. I don't think he gambles, I think he just buys expensive stuff and has no financial sense. His attitude towards it scares me, particularly as he refuses to admit he has a problem or that its a scary amount, but its got to be dealt with so I will do that.

I agree with your comments regarding inheritance and he certainly doesn't expect anything, but tbh I find all this talk of "don't expect anything from us" and them constantly mentioning it only to say he isn't getting anything, a bit unnatural. Maybe they think their children will only hang around them if they have some kind of inheritance threat hanging over their heads. Anyway, my husband really doesn't expect anything from his parents, and its a bit sad really.

But that's fair enough. They must take the consequences though. If they are not nice people, theres going to be no more inviting themselves to stay, no more trying to force us to come to their family get togethers. I don't have fun when I'm there as its not nice having to put up with people being rude to you. I have more than enough friends I do enjoy spending time with.

Colser · 04-11-2017 5:21pm

You're just not listening though...you're in-laws can do or say whatever they want..you and your husband can totally ignore them,they're not your issue and your not theirs yet you see obsessed with them and this is because you don't want to see your husband for what he seems to be...an overgrown child with no financial logic and acting like a child when challenged.

His ridiculous spending cannot be blamed on his upbringing and his refusal to admit there's a problem is infantile.You're behaving like you're his mother not his wife...are there receipts or bank statements for his spending..as for owning an expensive house with no heating is just bizarre imo.

Sam Quentin · 04-11-2017 5:27pm

Sorry about this I have a way with words....

JUST TELL THEM TO F#@K OFF..

04-11-2017 9:30pm

Op as bboc said you have two completely separate issues here.
You're putting yourself massively in debt for your admittedly useless husband who has no intention of changing his ways nor sees anything wrong with it. You handwave away the debt and go back on about his parents. Stop making excuses for him and face that you are looking at a lifetime of him happily running up debts, not telling you what for, not planning to do anything about it, and expecting you to sort it out. A lifetime of mortgage extensions until the bank say no and you are both fcuked. Both of you.
And to add this man doesn't have your back with his own parents. Why would he change. You take it all and handle his debts.
Go to counselling, go to some uk mabs, sort this out.
As for his parents, refuse to let his parents in your home in future. Someone who wouldn't even give you a jump start can piss off

rainbowtrout · 05-11-2017 12:22am

LongTimeAway wrote: »

The money has also gone on building stables for the horses but how its reached 12k I don't know. He just seems to gradually build up credit card debts whatever he does.

If you don't know, then you should know. 12k is a huge amount of money. Ask for the bank statements going back to when the debt started to accrue. Identify where the money went. Some of it possibly went on the stables, but some could have been spent on expensive gadgets etc. Some could have been spent on gambling. I wouldn't go topping up the mortgage until I knew where the money went. If there are expensive items in your home that came as a result of this spending, then get your husband to sell them to pay back some of the debt.

You then need to lay down ground rules on spending. He is an adult and you should be able to trust him, but clearly his lack of money management is a problem. Maybe you have to come to an agreement that any large spending has to be jointly agreed first. If a credit card is needed then perhaps for the moment it should be in your name only. Maybe he needs to work on a cash basis for the time being.

It also sounds like this is not the first time this has happened, and while you are not his minder, it's going to keep happening if you don't nip it in the bud now. What he will learn from this is that you will bail him out and pay off his debts if you just go and top up the mortgage. There will come a day when the bank will refuse you any more money. There has to be consequences for his actions.

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I guess its easier to blame the incomer to the family rather than their own son for not being a high earner or themselves for being generous parents in law. ........ I agree though my husband is the product of his upbringing...

Sometimes you have to wait for things like central heating, but surely people can have the sense not to invite themselves to stay when a place isn't ready for visitors!

Aside from your in laws sounding obnoxious, have you ever considered that they know exactly what he is like with money and that is why they don't help you out? They might have bailed him out before, know what he is like, and decide they don't want to see their money pissed away on unnecessary crap.

You might be happier with stables than central heating, but 12k would go a long way to putting central heating in your home and heating it for a couple of winters.

As for them inviting themselves, you have the option to say no, don't complain that you've had to cancel your plans which were made in advance. Keep your plans, ring your in laws and tell them you have plans so neither of you are available that weekend. It really is that simple.

Of course if they are that obnoxious you could just tell them they aren't welcome in your home after the way they've treated you.

LongTimeAway wrote: »

My husband doesn't tell them anything about our finances, all their comments are based on speculation which is why they are so far off the mark.

As are yours about them.

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I'm not sure exactly how my husband has run up a 12k credit card bill but its not the first time (although 12k is a record for him). I was speaking to him about it last night and you can argue til you're blue in the face that its an idiotic thing to do and he still will not agree theres anything wrong with it. Its so frustrating. He will be cutting up his credit card once the mortgage is re-arranged. Its so stressful. He's spent on a mixture of living expenses and buying stuff to improve the land but he is very bad at project management and pays full whack for everything and doesn't plan well.

You should know how he is spending that kind of money, especially when you are now responsible for paying it back. Your husband is treating you as a cash cow. Like I said above, you need to see all of the credit card statements. Every single one. If your husband is that bad with money, then you need to take an active interest in how money is spent in your household, unless you want to spend the rest of your life paying off his debts. If he is bad at project management then you need to get involved there too. You can't just leave him make massive financial decisions that affect both of you without having an input, or not taking an interest, especially when you know he's crap at it.

LongTimeAway wrote: »

The father's had two big inheritances and I'm pretty sure the family members that died would have expected him to spend on the family rather than just himself.

Parents in law are incredibly selfish and never put themselves out for anyone. Last year, mother in law had a 70th birthday party and demanded that everyone attend and stay over for the weekend in a hotel. They actually offered to pay but we refused and paid for ourselves, but that is not the issue.

They are free to spend their inheritance how they wish. They are not obliged to spend it on you or your husband or any other member of the family if they don't want to.

You were also free to refuse to attend the 70th. You could have just said you were unavailable that weekend.

It's time to get your husband to sort out his finances, and then to get him to step up and support you against his parents.

strandroad · 05-11-2017 12:59am

Imagine that:
- your husband shields you from his parents from hell
- your husband is a responsible earner and spender.

You'd be living a dream on your farm with no worries beyond what heating system to pick.

Your problem is purely with your husband. But you're unwilling to face so you deflect to his parents instead.

Big Bag of Chips · 05-11-2017 11:35am

You are coming in to the winter and living in a cold damp property with no heating, and you are about to top the mortgage up by 12,000 and still have no heating.

Think about that.

Edit:

Read the quote from your opening post. As adults, you and your husband's finances are no business of anyone else's. Same as other adults' finances are none of yours. Your husband's debt is not their responsibility. But unfortunately, it is yours...

Read what you wrote, and direct the blame where it is warranted.

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I feel hard done by in my choice of husband...

...I feel I am doing all the giving financially and their side is doing all the taking, they are like leeches who would suck me dry if I was stupid enough to allow it.

Your husband is a separate entity to his parents. He is the one doing all the taking and sucking you dry, and you are allowing it. Your in-laws aren't particularly pleasant or classy people. That's got no bearing on your financial troubles though.

lazybones32 · 05-11-2017 11:48am

1: if parents in law are d1cks, there's nothing you can do to change that. You don't have to let them treat you like that in your own house though. Tell hubby that if they speak ill/rude to you in your own house, they won't be welcome again. Tell them as much before they set foot in the house on next visit. Hubby isn't going to stand up to them, so you have to diy. This is your house. Own it.

2: Get the heating sorted. Before the horses; before anything else.

December2012 · 05-11-2017 4:14pm

Where is the partnership? Where is the mutual love and support?

Your husband cannot be trusted with a credit card if the bill runs to €12000. That’s a small business loan, not a credit card debt!

And you should know what it’s being spent on.

If your parents are rude to you, he should stand up for you, and you for him.

And if you clearly don’t like them, don’t spend time with them.

Don't Like Parents In Law

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