My girlfriend told me she slept with her ex the day after we first kissed.

Jenga2

I was very close friends with my girlfriend for 4 months, all our friends knew the relationship was a matter of time, so it wasnt just in my head. After 4 months we finally kissed, and we have new been going out since. It is now 4 months into the relationship and she tells me that she slept with her ex the day after we first kissed, but that she has no feelings for him, she just needed to feel wanted by him that night, and she didnt even think we were anything back then so she hasnt felt guilt about it until now. For what its worth, I am 26.

The long and short of it is that my girlfriend slept with her ex, during a stage I assumed exclusivity. I know we did not discuss being exclusive as it was only the day after we first kissed, and I know it would not be normal to assume this, however we shared 4 close months together as friends before this, spending 2 or 3 days a week alone together. The night we kissed she told me it felt as though we had been together for ages as we has spent so much time together, she texted me to let me know she got home safe and said ‘you are on my lips and this is a wonderful feeling’. For me to go sleep with someone the night after she said that would be unthinkable. However, for her it was not even worth thinking twice about.

There is another layer to this. My girlfriend was attacked 3 years ago, and the result of this was her feeling unbelievably low. She had lost all confidence in herself and could not be in the world. Her ex was the person who helped her come back to strenght . However she says it was all a bit ****ed up. When she was doing well, he would be nice to her etc. During this time he was sleeping with other people and she ended it when she snapped out of what was going on. The night after we first kissed, she said she was feeling great for other reasons, her life was on track and she bumped into him and his friend. She went for a drink with them and agreed to go back to a party with them. She said she felt wanted by him; someone who had rejected her, and in a drunken state she just went with it. She told me she was not attracted to him and has no feelings with him but it was more about her, it was about feeling worthwhile, and nothing sexual. She said she didnt enjoy it etc. She explains that sex to her isnt what it is to me, she has had a dark past, she has been raped and her body has been used over and over.

I still feel as though I was played, and because of this it makes me look at her differently to the woman I grew to love. The night we talked before we kissed, she said ‘I feel as though we are so close, and I would like to explore this side of things with you’. Her expressions of delight after we kissed were also a memory I held. The next night she slept with another man. 12 hours after waking up with him she texted me to come meet her and your friends, we kissed and had a lovely night. She wanted to end the night early because she was tired- and this was because she was up all night with him. The following day she asked me to come over for lunch, and has since told me her plan was to get me in her garden with my clothes off. She asked me to stay that night because there ‘was so many nice things to do’.

Now I am in a position where I cant look at her the same. I used to look at her as my precious girl, and feel an unblievable love for her. Now i look at her an cant help but feel as though i dont even know her, she seems trashy and doesnt seem to be mine. I still care about her so much, and i want to feel as strongly about her as I did, but am wondering if this relationship is dead?

I know we werent exclusive, but 4 months of friendship that was clearly a little more than a normal friendship meant a lot to me, also being played the way i was around the time we first kissed makes me question her morals. I love this girl so much but im not sure if i can look past this. If this didnt happen, i cant imagine anyone more suited to me.

Airyfairy12

If you didn't discuss exclusivity then you weren't exclusive. Just because you assume something that doesnt make it reality. You both sound far too immature and like two complete head melters to be even considering a serious relationship. What does she mean get you in her garden with your clothes off?? She's been through allot and clearly has some issues and baggage she needs to work through.
Your post screams of misogyny! 'Your precious girl'?? 'doesnt seem to be mine' She's not your possession and she's not the virgin mary either. Shaming her and calling her 'trashy' for sleeping with someone is serious 1950's sh!t.

Either get over it or break up. Dont drag this out and slut shame her in the process.

wirelessdude01

With that attitude and mindset this relationship is doomed and not from what she did, it will be the way you handle this. There was no exclusivity at that stage so do not dare to assume there was.

Slut shaming her might make you feel better for a short while but will achieve nothing.

lazybones32

Lots of red flags here imo. Lots...
Sex, especially when drunk, isn't accidental. You entered her mind at some point beforehand and she continued. Saying the sex wasn't about him but something she did for herself, or whatever way it was put - what a load of crap! What happens next time she needs to feel like that again?

You've been given the sanitised version of her account and i think you'd be foolish to accept it. If your standards and boundaries have been crossed/broken, you can walk away because it's not only about her. She's not this fragile little creature.

Jenga2

I dont think I own this woman. She often tells me 'im yours' and so she felt exclusivly mine. Im just saying she feels more distant to me now because of this- I think that is reasonable and not misogynistic.

Im not slut shaming her, im questioning if she played me. She kissed me, slept with her ex, invited me on a night out with her friends and then invited me over to sleep with her all in the space of 3 days. Fair enough if that makes you feel comfortable, but for me I would not do that to someone else. Just because you dont think twice about it, doesnt mean i cant.

Loveinapril

This is all a bit mad, you had only kissed and hadn't discussed being exclusive. It is not her fault that you were so invested from such an early stage. It's also only four months into the relationship, your reaction to this is probably going to ensure it doesn't see 4 more months!

LuckyLloyd

Ultimately, if you can't get past it that's on you and you are entitled to end things for that reason. But this is all about you and your perspective and expectations. I or others could suggest that this isn't a big deal and you should move past it (and I dare say most people might conclude as such) and, as you weren't in an exclusive relationship at the time, she hasn't done anything wrong. I'd also note that the past isn't changing, it can't be undone.

So you live with it, or you don't. Make a decision and move on. The worst thing to do here is drag a relationship on with you holding your expectations against her and making you both unhappy.

Jenga2

Im very aware that this is my issue and there is nothing she can do or say to change it.

I suppose my post was more about wether or not it is normal for me to feel this bad about it, as i cant get it out of my head. I wasnt sure if i should just end it, or if the thoughts would fade etc.

Apart from this messy situation, she is ideal for me.

Exclamation Marc

Jenga2 wrote: »

Im very aware that this is my issue and there is nothing she can do or say to change it.

I suppose my post was more about wether or not it is normal for me to feel this bad about it, as i cant get it out of my head. I wasnt sure if i should just end it, or if the thoughts would fade etc.

Apart from this messy situation, she is ideal for me.

On this post alone, sure, it's not nice that she slept with someone so close to your relationship but she did nothing wrong.

Just let it go, in a year or two you'll look back and either forget it or laugh at how you made an issue out of it.

If she is ideal for you, are you really going to compromise the whole relationship on what happened when she was single.

cactusgal

Everyone's standards are different. I was friends with my boyfriend before we got together too, and I remember how special our first kiss was. I'd be pretty upset if he went off and slept with his ex the following night. We didn't have the exclusive talk until about a month or so into it, but we'd both kind of assumed from the start that's what we were at. We were on the same page. You thought that you and your girlfriend were on the same page, too, but you weren't.

I would have a real problem with this, and especially her way of justifying it / explaining how and why she did it wouldn't sit right with me.

You'll get a variety of responses here, but you need to listen to your gut.

Idbatterim

Oh sure. She "technically " did nothing wrong. It's your call op. Maybe let the revelation sink in and see how you feel in a while. I absolutely get why you feel the way you do and I know any of my close friends would feel the same ...

Bob24

Jenga2 wrote: »

Im very aware that this is my issue and there is nothing she can do or say to change it.

I suppose my post was more about wether or not it is normal for me to feel this bad about it, as i cant get it out of my head. I wasnt sure if i should just end it, or if the thoughts would fade etc.

Apart from this messy situation, she is ideal for me.

You have every right to have a problem with the way she behaved. A relashionship is not like a contract which starts when you mutually decide you are so-called “exclusive”. It is a bit more subtle than that. People might have different views about this but you are certainly entitled to yours and it is not anormal.

Now having said that even if it is something you are not happy with, you have either to get over it because in the grand scheme of things it isn’t that important, or to break-up. You can’t drag this forever but only yo can decide.

And the fact that she told you shows 2 things:
1) she does realise it is a problem and also feels uneasy about it (if she thought it was nothing wrong or important why would she have mentioned it?)
2) she must care about your relashionship and respect you to some extend as she decided to be upfront with you

SterlingArcher

Jenga2 wrote: »

I dont think I own this woman. She often tells me 'im yours' and so she felt exclusivly mine. Im just saying she feels more distant to me now because of this- I think that is reasonable and not misogynistic.

Im not slut shaming her, im questioning if she played me. She kissed me, slept with her ex, invited me on a night out with her friends and then invited me over to sleep with her all in the space of 3 days. Fair enough if that makes you feel comfortable, but for me I would not do that to someone else. Just because you dont think twice about it, doesnt mean i cant.

Ignore the goons jumping all over your words and twisting them. "slut shaming" piss off with that. In a hypothetical reverse op were the woman there'd be plenty of girls calling him a pig for banging his ex then calling another girl over for a bang a day later. Op called it trashy. And? alot of people would consider having sex with two different people in such a short space of time as a lil trashy be it male or female.

So the op thought they had a nice neath love story. And now the reality of it it has sullied that. Oh how awful of him to feel a sense of hurt or betrayal. Hoist that "misogynistic" monster up by the balls.

Look op. You may be holding the girl up to your own high standards.
Perhaps ask yourself if it were the other way around would she be understanding.

I know it sucks but maybe you need to be more open to the idea that if there is such a thing as faith and true love. Perhaps it doesn't always play by the book or "Hollywood" idea of true romance.

In other words nobody is perfect . if you are going to judge the girl do it on how she has treated your actual relationship since yous became a couple. Is she kind, caring, , thoughtful, considerate. Etcetera, etcetera.

RhubarbCrumble

Loveinapril wrote: »

This is all a bit mad, you had only kissed and hadn't discussed being exclusive. It is not her fault that you were so invested from such an early stage. It's also only four months into the relationship, your reaction to this is probably going to ensure it doesn't see 4 more months!

This. In a nutshell.

Vital Transformation

lazybones32 wrote: »

Saying the sex wasn't about him but something she did for herself, or whatever way it was put - what a load of crap! What happens next time she needs to feel like that again?

You've been given the sanitised version of her account and i think you'd be foolish to accept it.

Agreed.

"She told me she was not attracted to him and has no feelings with him but it was more about her, it was about feeling worthwhile, and nothing sexual."

The above is a load of tosh that contradicts her actual behaviour. She wanted to sleep with her ex, make no mistake.

Jenga2

Vital Transformation wrote: »

Agreed.

"She told me she was not attracted to him and has no feelings with him but it was more about her, it was about feeling worthwhile, and nothing sexual."

The above is a load of tosh that contradicts her actual behaviour. She wanted to sleep with her ex, make no mistake.

Maybe so, it sounded to me as though she did have feelings for him that night, and fell back into her past. From what people are saying, it makes not difference if she had feelings for him or not, as she did nothing wrong. So maybe this point is irrelevant?

Im 100% sure she loves me now, and i know she has no feelings for him, she looks descusted when she talks about him, and who she is around him. That is not my concern. My concern is the feeling of betrayal and my own issue of not being able to get this out of my head. I keep playing it over and over and am concerned it will ruin our relationship if this is all i think about. She told me this 10 days ago, so maybe its all too fresh.

kunst nugget

I'm really scratching my head over the slut shaming comments on here…

.......

This post has been deleted.

lazybones32

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Jenga2: sounds like you're swallowing every explanation that comes to you that exonerates her; even from her falling "back into her past" -lol! i wonder how that explanation would work for anyone else?

You are seeking tips to quieten your conscience, which is telling you that you were wronged. Alcohol, drugs, sex, distractions of many kinds and lots of noise - that's how you drown it out.

eviltwin

Kissing someone is a really odd way to assume you are dating them. A kiss is just a kiss, you never assume you are in a relationship, let alone an exclusive one after one kiss.

I don't think she did anything wrong sleeping with her ex and it does not make her trashy. Tbh I think fair play to her for telling you at all, in her shoes I wouldn't, its none of your business after all. You weren't a couple at that stage.

Is it normal to feel that way? Its how you feel, normal doesn't come into it. You should however be able to move on from it. Have you explored why its bothering you so much? Is it that she chose to sleep with him when she could have slept with you? Is this an ego thing? Have you issues with the ex clouding your judgement?

It should be something you put behind you but if you can't then its not fair to string her along. Just remember she didn't cheat on you.

Gerrup Outta Dat!

I’m so sorry for you OP. It’s not the first time I’ve heard a woman sleeping around and then playing a tiny violin”I just wanted to feel needed” she strung you along and she did the same to her poor ex. Get out of that relationship pronto!

notsoyoungwan

Loveinapril wrote: »

This is all a bit mad, you had only kissed and hadn't discussed being exclusive. It is not her fault that you were so invested from such an early stage. It's also only four months into the relationship, your reaction to this is probably going to ensure it doesn't see 4 more months!

eviltwin wrote: »

Kissing someone is a really odd way to assume you are dating them. A kiss is just a kiss, you never assume you are in a relationship, let alone an exclusive one after one kiss.

I don't think she did anything wrong sleeping with her ex and it does not make her trashy. Tbh I think fair play to her for telling you at all, in her shoes I wouldn't, its none of your business after all. You weren't a couple at that stage.

Yep, this to me is all way too intense and OTT. In an exclusive relationship after one kiss?? 4 months in and you're talking about "unbelievable love"??

She's also a headwrecker IMO, there's a pair of ye in it with the drama and OTT stuff.

The 'trashy' comment was unnecessary and revealed an unpleasant side to you

Potatoeman

Jenga2 wrote: »

She explains that sex to her isnt what it is to me, she has had a dark past, she has been raped and her body has been used over and over.

She's telling you she has a different attitude to sex than you. The above shows some serious baggage.

GingerLily

I think the night you first kissed she hadn't made up her mind how she felt about both of you and was confused. She met up with her ex the next night and gave it one more go, and realised afterwards that she didn't have feelings for him and was ready to move on completely from him.

She didn't string you both on, once she realised there were two people she was interested in she made up her mind within days, which I think is fair enough.

If you don't want to forgot about this OP then that's your choice, but if you want to stay in a relationship with her you'll have to accept that the happened and that she choose you and wants to be with you.

Idbatterim

I really dont understand why she said anything about the ex to be honest... look at what this has opened up... If she genuinely wasnt going to go back there etc and actually hasnt "technically" cheated...

Im 100% sure she loves me now, and i know she has no feelings for him, she looks descusted when she talks about him, and who she is around him. That is not my concern. My concern is the feeling of betrayal and my own issue of not being able to get this out of my head. I keep playing it over and over and am concerned it will ruin our relationship if this is all i think about. She told me this 10 days ago, so maybe its all too fresh.

let me tell you another reason I get where you are coming from. I would question her decision making... Trust and respect are two huge factors in a relationship...

just reading the OP again, Op you hadnt slept with her before she slept with the ex? If that had happened Id have felt very differently about it...

Icepick

OP comes off as an immature person with low self-esteem.
She did nothing wrong, maybe just needed to make sure she can be exclusive with you, an experiment if you will.
Cheating is about trust, not ownership. And you didn't agree not to be with others at the time.

ElizaBennett

I understand that you had built this up into a huge romance and it was perfect in every way and now it feels tainted. I don't think she did anything wrong by sleeping with her ex the day after kissing you but I can see how it hurts a lot to know this and you'd be far better off if you'd never found out. I seriously wonder why she told you and I'm afraid I believe it's because she's a drama merchant and wants to test the boundaries of your devotion to her. It's at thing people do - whether knowingly or not. You could take a bit of a breather for a few weeks or you could decide to put it behind you as she's worth it. And you can have great make up sex and start an even more amazing romance all over again. But if you can't draw a line under it and move on then you really have to end it now. No in between.
I don't think you're abnormal. I think you're a romantic and maybe a little immature but that's not a crime. And you seem to have accepted this is your issue and not hers. I would be crushed to think that the moment I had imagined was the beginning of the great love affair of my life turned out to be a sham. Who wouldn't? But you're in the real world and you now have to decide if the alternative version is going to work for you.

Bambi985

Jenga2 wrote: »

Apart from this messy situation, she is ideal for me.

But this is one hell of a messy situation OP. It's driven you to ruminate for more than a week and create this thread and call your own girlfriend trashy and feel like she's suddenly gone from Ms Perfect to some kind of player.

I think you're far too intense for your own good with the flowery soliliquys about how in love you are with this person who you've been with a wet week and I think she has serious boundary issues. Sounds like there's lots going on below the surface with her that's probably feeding her behaviour when it comes to sex and relationships and I don't think you're ever going to understand or accept the fact that she had sex with someone hours after you kissed.

Mokuba

"Slut shaming" and "misogyny" - deary me.

A kiss still means something to some people (shock, horror! back to the 1950's with you!). Sex still means something more than casual fun to some people. It is ok to have this view, without being told that you are a misogynist. Or slut shaming. Or immature. Christ.

And it's ok to fall head over heels with a girl you have known for 8 months. I swear, people in this thread must be the coolest, most laid back people alive.

Yeah that was a shítty thing to do on her part. In the context you provide, where a friendship is blossoming and growing to the point where you have a special moment - anybody would be hurt in that situation. It's not like you shifted her on a night out and were angry about her having sex with her the next day. No. You knew her, and you felt (clearly rightfully so) that something real was developing.

Yeah you didn't have an exclusivity talk - but this isn't Gossip Girl and often exclusivity (or at least honesty) can be implied. There isn't always this big American teenage "exclusivity" talk.

Going back to her ex of all people is an even bigger deal for me. Why did she wait 4 months to tell you? I think it's very much your business despite what some would say, because had you known this information at the time you likely would have not let the relationship progress to this point.

She had sex with her ex, which in my opinion was wrong by you. At the very least, she could have told you the day after or even within a week? - to clarify where you were at as a couple (or as "non-exclusive-2017-ultra modern-liberal-hip-sex-friends"). Instead she left you in the dark and didn't inform you of something which would upset most people and quite obviously affect how you would have progressed with her.

Trust your gut in this situation. I've found it will rarely fail you.

You are entitled to your views and entitled to ask for advice despite the fact that some people will abuse you for it and get 39 thanks.

cactusgal

^^^ This times a million, OP. I couldn't have put it better.

Icepick

Mokuba wrote: »

Yeah you didn't have an exclusivity talk - but this isn't Gossip Girl and often exclusivity (or at least honesty) can be implied.

The problem with assumptions is that they are often wrong. Acting and relying on assumptions is a form of lying.

leggo

I'm sorry I couldn't disagree more with some posts on this thread.

OP you had built this up in your head before it even happened. You kissed and got a nice text from her...so you assumed exclusivity?!! That's crazy people behaviour!

I do understand what you're feeling, though, very often in things that become relationships there is a crossover were partners have hooked up with other people and it generally just goes unspoken of forever. In this instance you know, and that's not nice, so the questions you're asking are natural. But you have to go back to the fact that this is just some unpleasant reality interrupting the Disney scenario you'd built up in your head that was always going to get shattered because no relationship can sustain that kind of pressure and expectation. If I were you, I'd chalk it down to a life lesson that you shouldn't hold any relationship to the movie-like standards you seem to and just deal with the reality: they can be messy, but they can be beautiful too. That's real life. Isn't it awesome that, in spite of the flaws we all possess as human and the culpability to make mistakes, two people can still want to be together so badly that they forgive and work through the difficult times? That's better, to me, than the Disney prince and princess stuff.

For what it's worth, I read your post thinking "Fair play to her for being so honest." Though reading others opinions, I do wonder how it came about that she told you about this. She could be equally dramatic and maybe that's why you two click, because you both secretly like the whirlwind of it all, or maybe she's just too honest (something I can be guilty of myself). Could you elaborate on how this confession came to pass exactly?

Lastly, for what it's worth, consider this: years ago, I had a messy break-up with a long-term ex. A few weeks later, I caught wind through a mutual friend that she was going on a date with a good friend of mine. I got drunk and left her a weepy voicemail. Later that night, we met up and ended up hooking up. That was on the night of their first date, keep in mind, I highly doubt he ever found that out because I didn't go around saying it myself. Now, years later, they're still together, have been for much longer than I ever was with her, they recently got married and seem over the moon with life. And, now that it's years later and all the emotion/drama has gone, I'm happy for them. It'd be such a shame if they'd have lost all of that because of a stupid, emotionally-driven mistake that night way back.

So be careful OP. Again, your feelings are understandable, but the reality here is that you weren't exclusive, she owed you nothing and she had every right to do what she did. Don't let that one night - that she's been honest about mind when she didn't need to be - ruin what could potentially be a happy future together.

osarusan

Jenga2 wrote: »

For me to go sleep with someone the night after she said that would be unthinkable.

I suppose your real question is how she did something that you would have considered unthinkable.

She has already offered an explanation, which you can accept or not. If not, you can interpret what she did however you like. That she's just not as enthralled with you as you are with her, that she's trashy, that she has a more casual approach to sex. Different people will agree and disagree on those interpretations. Maybe you can be convinced to change your interpretations, maybe you can't.

If you decide it's just something you can't let go, then do both of you a favour and just end things. If you decide that you do want to continue the relationship, then remember that you accepted it and don't ever hold it over her in the future.

sbsquarepants

I don't know OP, different people have different opinions and all that - but personally speaking I have never kissed someone and then automatically assumed they were my girlfriend, or even slept with them and assumed as much. I takes time for relationships to develop.

You also seem to be ignoring a very pertinent point - she TOLD you this, you didn't just happen to find out. There comes a point in a lot of relationships (most of them probably) where when it starts becoming apparent that it's more than just a bit of fun that people clear the air + lay down some ground rules. That's what this sounds like to me.

It's not nice to think of your girlfriend sleeping with someone else - but it's very important to remember, she's only your girlfriend now - you can't backdate that shít. When this happened she was just a girl you fancied.

If you ask me, all you can do is put it to the back of your mind, take the girl at her word and move on, see how things work out. Everybody has their past, the jealousy is what's going to damage your relationship, not the fact that your missus slept with some bloke before you!

homerjay2005

i am shocked at some of the posts having a go at the OP, he is perfectly entitled to feel aggrieved here.

if it was the other way around, majority of posts would be "dump him/walk away, he sounds like a right ****".

OP the only advice i can give is trust your own feelings and go with it, nobody on here can tell you otherwise. if you can handle this, then got for it, but if you cant, then its just going to wreck your head and eventually, will wreck the relationship.

for the life of me, i dont know why anybody would tell this anyway, too much information.

Airyfairy12

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i am shocked at some of the posts having a go at the OP, he is perfectly entitled to feel aggrieved here.

if it was the other way around, majority of posts would be "dump him/walk away, he sounds like a right ****".

No they wouldnt..

Wibbs

Forget the whole "slut shaming" stuff for a moment. People's attitudes differ and that's kinda that, it'll just go back and forth with no resolution. But this part that PM noted is what jumped out for me.

Potatoeman wrote: »

She's telling you she has a different attitude to sex than you. The above shows some serious baggage.

Regardless of you going full lovey dovey, which is OTT, if somewhat understandable after what you saw as months of an emotional relationship(especially if she had expressed similar, unless it was all in your head), that she went off and had sex with her ex the very next day rings alarms bells for me and nada to do with her being a "slut".

It would be her reasoning and a sideorder of self control that would ring the bells like it was Christmas morn. "She said she felt wanted by him; someone who had rejected her, and in a drunken state she just went with it. She told me she was not attracted to him and has no feelings with him but it was more about her, it was about feeling worthwhile, and nothing sexual. She said she didnt enjoy it etc". That explanation would have me in OK we're not in Kansas anymore mode, be extremely wary. Or more likely eject, eject, eject.

That she told you I wouldn't see as anything noble either. Personally I'd be happier if someone didn't tell me of something like this. Why? They're more likely to be thinking of me rather than getting it off their chest and being "honest" for their own sake. Telling you means she's told you what's what and this is how she is, so if things go south in the future she can with justification say that you knew all this going in. If one listens, people will nearly always tell you about themselves and who they are. After all it's most people's fave subject. And what has she told you? She thinks of sex differently to you(which may translate into thinking differently about exclusivity), she may use sex to feel better about herself, while not enjoying it, a means to an end, she has a damaged sense of self from a "dark past" including a real trauma like rape. That smacks of more issues than Playboy's back catalogue and for me the rape would be by far the least worrying.

My 3 cents anyway.

bilbot79

All's fair in love and war

Kav0777

GingerLily wrote: »

I think the night you first kissed she hadn't made up her mind how she felt about both of you and was confused. She met up with her ex the next night and gave it one more go, and realised afterwards that she didn't have feelings for him and was ready to move on completely from him.

She didn't string you both on, once she realised there were two people she was interested in she made up her mind within days, which I think is fair enough.

If you don't want to forgot about this OP then that's your choice, but if you want to stay in a relationship with her you'll have to accept that the happened and that she choose you and wants to be with you.

..or alternatively, the ex rejected her again after they had sex, and now

Jenga2 wrote: »

she looks descusted when she talks about him, and who she is around him.