Girlfriend is (apparently) lying to me about meeting a male friend of hers

LegacyUser

Hi
My girlfriend and I have been going out together for over 2 years, we have a child together and have been living with each other for over a year. Have our ups and downs but things were going well.

On Thursday night, she said she was meeting a different friend, this time though she got dressed up (which isn't really a bid deal and didn't seem a bid deal at the time) and at around 10:30pm she texted saying she was on here way home. She then texted shortly later that the car of a different friend broke down and she would drive her home. Over 2 hours later she came home.

The next day as I had just put in fuel the day before in the car, I noticed that the needle had hardly gone down, she said her friend was in a place that was a good 80km away.

At this stage I started to have my doubts as it didn't add up.

Then last night my GF said she was going to meet one of her best friends, I had no problem with this but she had accidentally left a message open on her phone on the table which basically was asking this guy for directions and that would meet at 8:15.

I said nothing and off she went, she came back a few hours later. The guy she was apparently seemed to be meeting, is one of her closest friends but they have a sexual past.

I'm not really sure if she is actually cheating on me or not or just seeing him because she doesnt want me to get jealous. Our sex life is very good and both nights she came home, she wanted to have sex that night.

I should add, a few months ago, there was a text off the same guy asking if she was "still going tonight" when she said she was meeting a female friend of hers, I freaked out and asked her about it, she denied anything happened and we almost broke up but didn't in the end.

I don't want to go blindly accusing her again cause it will end our relationship.
I've no idea how to approach this, any suggestions?

leggo

The lies aren't good. It doesn't necessarily mean cheating though.

Be honest here: have you a history of checking her phone or being a bit jealous/neurotic about stuff, particularly this guy? This could be a reason for the lying that means she's not cheating. If people start setting harsh limits to their partners about what they can or can't do, they basically just set up what their partner is going to lie to them about. Honesty is obviously advisable in a relationship, but also if you want to foster a culture of honesty, then you have to encourage an open environment where your partner feels safe to be honest with you about things and their honesty won't lead to judgement and/or an argument.

Having said that, the fact that she has lied supersedes all of that. For me, that would mean the trust has gone and the relationship is over, regardless of whether she's cheating or not. You've got a kid and a lot of history together, though, so you may not be that quick to end things. In that case, if you want to check her phone or look for evidence of cheating to help make your mind up, then I'd say the fact that she's broken your trust allows for that. Maybe check it once, if you don't find anything then confront her with what you do know and see what she has to say (though the fact that she's chosen to lie to you kinda tells you that lies are coming; you have to try and see past them to get the truth of it), then make your decision from there.

LegacyUser

Jimmeny123 wrote: »

both nights she came home, she wanted to have sex that night.

You put that in a context that suggests you see it as a good sign, as evidence of her innocence, but it's not. I'm not saying it's a smoking gun, but it would ring an alarm bell for me.

LegacyUser

Yeah, the fact we have a child is making this a whole lot more difficult. I remember when I brought it up last time, I regretted how I went about it and felt I acted too soon. I have additional evidence that proves she was with him that night but I'm finding it really hard to broach the subject.

power pants

People who cheat often have sex with their partners the same night, be it guilt or to pretend everything is OK.

To me, the trust is gone. Difficult as you have a child but I couldn't carry on being too afraid to ask her what's going on and at the same time would you genuinely believe what she tells you?

Lux23

I think you might just be better off getting her to sit down and ask her if she has anything on her mind? Has she anything to tell you? Because if she isn't cheating you're going to ruin this relationship for sure. I can understand why you're suspicious.

hal9550

OP i think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your GF. There are a number of issues here, all of which are reinforcing each other and creating an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion

• You have read personal messages on your GFs phone
• There have been issues relating to this before, as you explain that you almost broke up previously - you did say this occurred as a result of a text she received previously
• When it gets to the stage where someone is checking the fuel usage of a car to confirm their partners version of events, thats a SERIOUS problem in my opinion

That said

• Lying about who you are meeting and spending time with is not respectful
• Dressing up to spend time with another man, who she has history with is VERY suspicious
• Meandering stories or cars breaking down, and trips that 'possibly didnt happen' is a SERIOUS PROBLEM TOO

Its clear that trust is a massive issue for you both. Its entirely possible that nothing is going on at all.. But a lack of trust in one half of the relationship is creating mistrust in the other half, regardless of who started what. mistrust on both sides is amplifying your problems as a whole. This is actually very similar to a political science concept called the Security Dilemma - SEE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80ShneZ8SiY Mistrust on one side causes a reaction on the other.. which only heightens the mistrust, leading to an overall amplification, and a spiral effect



You mention a previous situation where you almost broke up - you also mention it was resolved despite almost ending the relationship. Now of course its your choice to answer this or not but, what was the actual outcome? Was there an admission on her part that she had in fact lied about meeting a guy? what reason was given for this untruth?


the vibe i get is that you love this girl, and i believe its mutual. You need to have a conversation and accept that both parties havent been on the level with each other. Honestly, if you can do that, i suspect the atmosphere will improve RADICALLY, and assuming nothing untoward has happened, this matter will be consigned to history.

Icepick

You need to talk about this.
Don't accuse her of things you have no evidence of. Just tell her what you know and ask her about it.

Augme

Fairly obvious she's lying to you. Now it's not possible to say to what extent, but the fact is she's lying. You can't have a health relationship when one party is lying.

B.A._Baracus

So the way I see it given the info ....

- Girlfriend got 'dolled up' because she was meeting this guy. As she wanted to be attractive for him. She then creates an on the spot lie about the friends car breaking down explaining why she will be late returning home. That does not sound good because she easily could have said "i'll be home around 12ish!" so why the lie to extend time. What was she up to?

Alarm bells dude. But give her enough rope to hang herself. These things are always messy. If you confront her she can easily pass it off as you being paranoid so she couldn't tell you about meeting this guy etc. She could even get a friend to cover for her too (that's if you didn't reveal you looked at her phone)

hal9550

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

So the way I see it given the info ....

- Girlfriend got 'dolled up' because she was meeting this guy. As she wanted to be attractive for him. She then creates an on the spot lie about the friends car breaking down explaining why she will be late returning home. That does not sound good because she easily could have said "i'll be home around 12ish!" so why the lie to extend time. What was she up to?

Alarm bells dude. But give her enough rope to hang herself. These things are always messy. If you confront her she can easily pass it off as you being paranoid so she couldn't tell you about meeting this guy etc. She could even get a friend to cover for her too (that's if you didn't reveal you looked at her phone)

Thats a very extreme view in my opinion

OP if you want to escalate things i would suggest a more controlled restrained response, because in all honesty, you dont know for sure that she cheated.

If you are going to confront your GF it should be diplomatic but firm. 'This is the evidence that prompts you to ask question'.. "these are the reasons you are concerned'..

The alternative is to check her phone again, for a 'smoking gun' as it were. Now you could do this, and to be honest i admit, there is an argument for and against this. I personally hate the idea of violating anyone's privacy. That said if you do check it, you would genuinely need to decide in advance, what level of evidence you would be looking for.

As i said before, she may be meeting this guy who you acknowledge is a friend of hers, for purely personal reasons. Perhaps he is having a rough time. Perhaps she hasnt told you because of your previous concerns, and she has therefore decided to keep this private. So please bare that in mind.

For me, a smoking gun would be the tone and intimacy of a message, and you will have to use your own judgement. Simple proof that she met this guy would not be enough in my mind. She is fully entitled meet whom ever she wants. If however you find messages that are clearly intimate thanking her for a 'great time' 'xxx' etc.. then perhaps you do need to confront her. but BE CAUTIOUS AND RESTRAINED, even if the evidence is blatant. because IF YOU ARE WRONG, and go off 'half-cocked' you will only make things worse. and potentially ruin a good relationship, and destroy what ever semblance of trust remains

OP i previously posted that the best thing to do is talk to her. This could all be a misunderstanding. Im sorry that this has happened, but i would urge you to read my previous post for an alternative explanation of events. Your mistrust could be creating in her, an unwillingness to be honest with you about meeting this guy. Mistrust breeds suspicion and mistrust.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive

B.A._Baracus

hal9550 wrote: »

Thats a very extreme view in my opinion

Well that is your opinion, just like it's my opinion that you want to be really heard on this topic so bad having created two very long posts so far without anyone quoting you.

Up to the op tho if he takes anyone advice tho.

LegacyUser

Gut feeling , she’s cheated on you . Infact it’s blatant. I’d be gone . Taking you for a complete idiot .
Get out of there

hal9550

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Well that is your opinion, just like it's my opinion that you want to be really heard on this topic so bad having created two very long posts so far without anyone quoting you.

Up to the op tho if he takes anyone advice tho.

Understand your opinion but dont share it

Its not a question of me wanting to be quoted, or needing to be heard. I just read a thread where everyone is assuming the worst of the lady in this scenario. Its not just an idea of playing devils advocate, its about URGING CAUTION.. If there is nothing going on, and an accusation is made, that could be DISASTROUS

That said, you are correct its entirely OP's choice on how he proceeds

silverharp

maybe I am naive but is seems all the more crazy because there is an infant/toddler in the middle of all this. if the worst is happening then it says a lot about the character or lack there of, of the mother. id be thinking paternity test if you have any doubts

lazybones32

Ask her if she put petrol in the car after the 80km trip? If she didn't top it up, she's lying about what she's doing and who she's doing it with. But that doesn't mean cheating.

LegacyUser

Hi
Thanks for the replies. I actually accidentally came across much more concrete evidence about the Monday night by accident which definitely proved she met him but as to whether anything happening, I dunno. She was texting him next to me at the weekend and I could see the conversation was typical of that of two good friends but it's still not right.

Funny thing is, the friend she said she was with on the Monday, we are going out for dinner this Friday night so I could mention how was the night when they met up but I dunno, it could just backfire on me.

I'll just need to talk to her about it at some stage, I really don't want to go checking her phone, feels wrong doing it

lazybones32

Don't check her phone. Have some integrity.
Scheming and elaborate plans to catch her out could well blow up in your face and fcuk it up completely.

You have enough proof that she's deliberately misleading you about who she's meeting and why: talking to her would be my next move. You deserve an explanation. Tell your story as you've told it here and get your answers.