Depressed over having no real friends

katicorn

Ive had this problem my whole life, it never gets any easier and this time of year when people are celebrating with friends and parties are all over my social media it really gets me down, my birthday is the worst time of year as any time ive invited friends out for it they say they'll come but always let me down, despite me making an effort for theirs. I have had very close friends in the past. particularly my teenage years but the friendships were often unhealthy and id discover rumours being spread behind my back ect and when through stages of having no friends at all, going to the school library at lunch time and passing the time on my own, it was hell.. In my undergrad my class mates disliked me and excluded me from everything, I dreaded summer holidays as I knew they would consist of months spending time alone or with my parents, in my postgraduate course the first few weeks were fine, I actually felt accepted but eventually people began avoiding me, switching groups in group projects if they discovered I was in their group, reluctantly engaging with me during class and walking past me outside the building without even saying hello yet embracing other students they crossed paths with.
I have a few friends/acquaintances that I meet up with every few months or so, they pop up on my social media on nights out with other friends and I just feel frustrated, what's wrong with me that they don't even consider inviting me out.
I'm quiet but I do make an effort with everyone I meet, i'm genuinely a nice person and im not saying that to sing my own praises i'm just trying to figure out what the problem could be? If I was mean, rude, nasty or self entitled I could own up to it and adjust my behaviour but this doesn't seem to be so simple, there's no quick fix, it's like everything I say is wrong. I listen to people, im generally positive, like similar things that others do, im hygienic, im not loud, obnoxious, intrusive or abusive in anyway. I've been to different counsellors but they couldn't help me, they just told me not to worry about it and undermined my problem, it's really embarrassing to talk about as people immediately jump to the conclusion that im flawed and a bit pathetic when I open up about this. My confidence is really effected from years of constant rejection and judgement.. I'm not evil.
Id love to get to the bottom of this, even if someone just outwardly told me what it is about me that's repelling people.

I feel totally alone in this, no one ever seems to relate so clearly the problem is me.

Would anyone know of any services I could enquire about? tests I could take? classes to improve social skills or any solutions? even some kind words or home truths would help.

Thanks.

Vicxas

Your first mistake is to base Social Media as a testbed for healthy friendships, its all completely fake.

As for friends, can i ask how old you are, what your interests are? Is there any local clubs around that you could join that you could meet like minded people.

I was like you years ago I lost a lot of friends due to toxic relationships and it took me a very long time to meet people and even now I would have a very small circle of friends.

katicorn

Vicxas wrote: »

Your first mistake is to base Social Media as a testbed for healthy friendships, its all completely fake.

As for friends, can i ask how old you are, what your interests are? Is there any local clubs around that you could join that you could meet like minded people.

I was like you years ago I lost a lot of friends due to toxic relationships and it took me a very long time to meet people and even now I would have a very small circle of friends.

Hey Vicxas, thanks for your suggestion, the problem isnt that i'm not around anyone or I dont meet people with similar interests, im around all different types of people allot of the time. The problem is people dont like me and I dont know why. I dont judge others social life by their social media but when my 'friends' are posting stuff out celebrating with others, it's hard to see because im never invited. They know I dont have other friends either.
I'm 30.

Rubberchikken

Real friends don't treat their friends like you describe.
Tbh I'd prefer to have No one rather than endure these people's charitable hangouts.
I'm sorry that people in college would change groups or places if you were in the group. That's cruel and shameful on their part.
What interests have you? Are there any local clubs you could up on? Social media is probably good for a lot of things but for making genuine friends it mighty be the best.
Good luck

December2012

It’s really hard to say. Nobody here can tell you why your acquaintances haven’t turned into friendships.

Sometimes it luck, sometimes it’s chemistry.

Seeing as how you’re looking for advice on how to improve your social skills, maybe toastmasters would be a place to start?

Do you date? Have you had relationships?

katicorn

Hi Rubberchikken, I know ive considered walking away from them hundreds of times and I always say I will but when then I get message to meet up and I cant help replying because it's usually been so long since I socialised, I enjoy the time we spend together and I do feel better afterwards. I dont know why the people in college are so mean, maybe its just group mentality, one decided they didnt like me so the rest agreed. Whatever the reason its a common occurrence, I expect it at this stage. As much as it hurt and as much as id hoped and tried to convince myself this time would be different, it wasn't a big surprise.
Im interested in art, reading, going out, movies, music, yoga.. the usual stuff. Im not in a place yet were I can put myself back out there as another rejection/setback will be very difficult for me. For now I need to build my confidence back up and try figure out whats going on with me.

@December2012 hi, yes ive looked into toastmasters, the place were meetings are held is a hotel that's a bit of a drive outside town, its not a walkable distance and is out country roads. Im not driving at the minute due to finances but thats a great suggestion and something I plan to get involved in when I can.
I have been in long term relationships but they weren't healthy, both partners were abusive. One of ex's friends actually approached me a few months ago when I was out to apologise for how horribly they all treated me back then. I dont date anymore, the lack of social life makes it difficult to meet people and when I have gone on dates it's embarrassing when they ask about my 'friends' or what plans ive got for the weekend, summer ect, especially when they have a very active social life. Ive found people to be more judgemental and put off by this rather than understanding.

GalwayGrrrrrl

Maybe you need to find other people like yourself, rather than trying to fit in with groups where you are struggling. I've found it's much easier to have a social life if I'm a member of a club. Yes, it's a cliche, but I've had great friendships from music/drama groups and martial arts clubs. i find general "socialising" in pubs hard but I enjoy meeting people in activities.

katicorn

Hi xfactorfan, thanks for replying. Im so glad that worked for you and you discovered an easy way to find people, I actually love socialising in pubs, I love the vibe and the atmosphere and everyone's always in a good mood, I especially love it when theres music playing and even better if its live acoustic or a trad group playing in a corner. I actually envy people who post these sort of things on facebook. it makes so disappointed that I cant go because I have no one to go with, I wouldnt handle going on my own.
For me it's not a case of not having similar interests, I never fit in anywhere regardless of what we might have in common or if I feel like I relate to the people, they never seem to like me.
Given that I repel people as well as the fear of being rejected again by another group I also don't want to force people to be around me if they don't like me which would be the case if I was to join a group, club or course, the last thing I want to do is make others uncomfortable. Im not going to give up trying but this problem has been with me since childhood so im very aware of how others react to me.

December2012

If you wanted formal help routes Is there anywhere you can go as an adult for a class or advice on social skills? I know they do it in primary schools - is there anything for adults?

Or alternatively could you take up work in a social environment like a pub or restaurant?

katicorn

December2012 wrote: »

If you wanted formal help routes Is there anywhere you can go as an adult for a class or advice on social skills? I know they do it in primary schools - is there anything for adults?

Or alternatively could you take up work in a social environment like a pub or restaurant?

I have looked into social skills training but I couldn't find anything suitable, I've asked previous counsellors if they knew of any social skills services I could look into but they said they weren't aware of any, they told me that services they know of who do offer that training wouldn't be suited to me as they're generally for children, people with speech problems or people with intellectual and learning disabilities.

I've also looked into group therapy but the price per sessions are outside my budget, the cheapest I found was 70 euro per hour, besides theres none near me, id have to travel to somewhere like Dublin adding to the expense. As soon as im in the position to do so I'll pursue this option as it seems it could be worth while.
I'm a teacher so I do work in a sort of social environment although my hours are very bad, i'm just making rent and bills so I don't have much disposable money at the end of the week, I also give private English lessons and grinds to non natives and second level students so i'm not very flexible to take up bar work or waitressing, although it would be great to do it as a side job, my rent is so high it eats through my earnings and the extra money would be fantastic.

zoobizoo

Do you have any brothers or sisters who you could ask about this?

December2012

Do you socialise with any other teachers? How are your hours bad?

katicorn

December2012 wrote: »

Do you socialise with any other teachers? How are your hours bad?

No I don't socialise with anyone. I'm not on a full contract so I only get a few hours a week, my private lessons are all over the place, depending on when the student is free, I try to keep the lessons regular but they can vary week to week.

GalwayGrrrrrl

As an outside observer I hope you don't mind me saying this- do you think your lack of hours at work and lack of friends are linked? So many jobs come up through contacts and networking. Even if you don't want to socialise with those other teachers it would be no harm to make the effort to do so. Eventually you might find one or two that you click with and become good friends.

My other comment is that you sound like you have a very low mood and negative spiral of thinking. Please do see your GP about this. They may be able to organise counselling or CBT for you. Also have a chat to your teachers union if they have a teachers stress helpline (it will probably be called something different but you know what I mean!)
I hope you start to feel better soon.

EPAndlee

I've been through vaguely similar experiences. Didn't have any friends in school. Nobody would talk to me and just avoid me. I just couldn't understand it and it really bothered me. Went to a counsellor but she wasn't much help to me. I made a few friends when I finished school through an interest we all shared took a long time for it to happen. I soon realised we aren't actual friends and they were always bitching and complaining about each other and we just hang out for the sake of it I realised I didn't want too put up with that rubbish and now we really don't talk except for one that I clicked with. We don't hang out much because life has got in the way.

I don't drink so I don't go out but I see their social medias of them out having the 'best time of their lives' but I know it's mostly fake.

I'm at the stage now where I feel I don't need friends to do things with. I head off and do things on my own. Things that I like and have an interest in

katicorn

xfactorfan23 wrote: »

As an outside observer I hope you don't mind me saying this- do you think your lack of hours at work and lack of friends are linked? So many jobs come up through contacts and networking. Even if you don't want to socialise with those other teachers it would be no harm to make the effort to do so. Eventually you might find one or two that you click with and become good friends.

My other comment is that you sound like you have a very low mood and negative spiral of thinking. Please do see your GP about this. They may be able to organise counselling or CBT for you. Also have a chat to your teachers union if they have a teachers stress helpline (it will probably be called something different but you know what I mean!)
I hope you start to feel better soon.

I don't mind at all, I really appreciate the feedback. Yes they could be related although it is difficult for teachers to get full time contracts I know of many people who have gotten jobs because of who they know. This is another side of not being able to make friends, ive lost so many opportunities to people who have connections.
Its not that I dont want to socialise with other teachers, I really do and as I said I make an effort with everyone. Its not a situation were im not trying or giving up after one rejection, its a constant theme with everyone I meet. For example, I went outside for a cigarette at break time, two other teachers were outside smoking and having a chat, I walked over to say hi, they both went inside straight away, I hadn't even lit my cigarette yet. If I walk into a room, others walk out. I don't know what it is.
I have been for CBT. Thanks xfactorfan

katicorn

EPAndlee wrote: »

I've been through vaguely similar experiences. Didn't have any friends in school. Nobody would talk to me and just avoid me. I just couldn't understand it and it really bothered me. Went to a counsellor but she wasn't much help to me. I made a few friends when I finished school through an interest we all shared took a long time for it to happen. I soon realised we aren't actual friends and they were always bitching and complaining about each other and we just hang out for the sake of it I realised I didn't want too put up with that rubbish and now we really don't talk except for one that I clicked with. We don't hang out much because life has got in the way.

I don't drink so I don't go out but I see their social medias of them out having the 'best time of their lives' but I know it's mostly fake.

I'm at the stage now where I feel I don't need friends to do things with. I head off and do things on my own. Things that I like and have an interest in

Hi EPAndlee i'm sorry you've had similar experiences. I just miss having the connection but it's great that youve become comfortable with your situation,

kaymin

Do you have any brothers / sisters that could give you their perspective on why they think it happens? Given you are nice to everyone you meet maybe there is an element of neediness that is coming across that puts people off.

Perversely if you don't care what people think of you / how you are coming across it may appeal more to others because there are no demands being made of them.

katicorn

kaymin wrote: »

Do you have any brothers / sisters that could give you their perspective on why they think it happens? Given you are nice to everyone you meet maybe there is an element of neediness that is coming across that puts people off.

Perversely if you don't care what people think of you / how you are coming across it may appeal more to others because there are no demands being made of them.

Hi Kaymin, I have a brother, he has so many friends, everywhere he goes he seems to just attract people, we get on well, he's probably the person im closest to out of my whole family but we also have very separate lives and he's not someone I would confide in, theres a large age gap between us.

I dont think im needy in my approach, when I say im nice to everyone its not coming from a place of wanting to be liked it's just my natural way of interacting with people I meet, unless someone has done something, hurt me in some way or if I genuinely don't like someone for whatever reason im civil towards them but overall I stay out of their way. No one can like everyone they meet and that's fine, life is stressful enough without nastiness, hatefulness or treating people badly and I don't have the energy for it.
I don't feel as if I expect others to live up to my expectations, I generally take people as they are.

As much as I would love to not care what others think of me, I do care because im totally friendless and have been for large portions of my life meaning ive felt like a social outcast for most of it, ive missed out on connections, shared interests, opportunities and experiences. I spend my life's ups and downs alone. If someone dies, if im ill, if I have a bad day, there's no one I can pick up the phone to call for a chat or meet for tea. If it's my birthday or I get good news, theres no one I can celebrate with.. My 'acquaintances' only contact me if they have news to share,need a vent and have no one else to contact, if I initiate contact with them (which I don't very often) im mostly ignored. Its draining.

kaymin

katicorn wrote: »

Hi Kaymin, I have a brother, he has so many friends, everywhere he goes he seems to just attract people, we get on well, he's probably the person im closest to out of my whole family but we also have very separate lives and he's not someone I would confide in, theres a large age gap between us.

I dont think im needy in my approach, when I say im nice to everyone its not coming from a place of wanting to be liked it's just my natural way of interacting with people I meet, unless someone has done something, hurt me in some way or if I genuinely don't like someone for whatever reason im civil towards them but overall I stay out of their way. No one can like everyone they meet and that's fine, life is stressful enough without nastiness, hatefulness or treating people badly and I don't have the energy for it.
I don't feel as if I expect others to live up to my expectations, I generally take people as they are.

As much as I would love to not care what others think of me, I do care because im totally friendless and have been for large portions of my life meaning ive felt like a social outcast for most of it, ive missed out on connections, shared interests, opportunities and experiences. I spend my life's ups and downs alone. If someone dies, if im ill, if I have a bad day, there's no one I can pick up the phone to call for a chat or meet for tea. If it's my birthday or I get good news, theres no one I can celebrate with.. My 'acquaintances' only contact me if they have news to share,need a vent and have no one else to contact, if I initiate contact with them (which I don't very often) im mostly ignored. Its draining.

Well i think that's a healthy approach. Its also good that you don't accept being treated badly and have rid yourself of s**t boyfriends. First step to receive respect from others is to respect and value yourself.