Possibly in danger of becoming suicidal.

LegacyUser

Although I do not feel suicidal at this moment in time, nor have I actually ever felt suicidal, I am worried that I am currently threading on the cusp of possibly becoming suicidal, with the current condition of my mental health at the moment.

I am a 30 yr old male. I developed anxiety at the age of 17 when my parents separated which in turn stayed with me for the entirety of my life. I then began to struggle with depression approx four years ago due to chronic health problems.

Last year, after four years of health problems, receiving medical treatments, not being able able to work and having access to only limited socialising and with 80% of this time spent at home alone, I finally reached a point of adequate recovery to be able to take a year out and go abroad to work and travel in New Zealand. This was nothing short of a dream come through for me and had ultimately been three years in planning. When I finally arrived, I had 6-8 weeks of the holiday of a lifetime, only then to be faced with the reality of trying to secure steady work in order to support myself.

I so desperately wanted an easy going enjoyable stress free gap year, for the sole purpose of trying to overcome my depression and cleanse my mind of any worries, anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Alas, this never became a reality as after only 6 months of slogging it in extremely poor paid work, not getting to do any more travel after the initial 6 weeks and then closely followed by a relapse in my health again, I found myself swiftly back home in Ireland in May of this year.

Despite, certain aspects of my year away being difficult, I cherished every second of the journey and being being away from all the depressions of what I had been though at home in Ireland. It was nothing short of a life changing experience. I was completely humbled by the experiences. I felt free. It changed my outlook on everything but not in the way which I would have envisaged would before going. It left me with a very difficult complex in my mind about what I really want or need from my life. .

On one hand, I feel completely subdue to the expectation of western society. (become an adult, get an education, get a career, meet a partner, get a mortgage, have kids, grow old, die). On the other I feel drawn to the idea of giving those expectations the middle finger and wanting to do nothing more than base my life on having experiences. (world travel, volunteering, meeting new people, experiencing new languages, cultures, way of life, giving back to society).

I value both options to an equal extent but feel the timing is wrong for me to pursue the western lifestyle (if you want to call it that) at this moment in my life. I would be partial to pursuing the western lifestyle later in life, in my forty`s and spending the next few years of my thirties living for experiences rather than "settling down".

Alas... I can`t:

1. I remain ill, and struggle to get my health to recovery fully as I have over the past five years. I must remain in Ireland in order to continually receive ongoing medical treatment and cannot go anywhere.
2. I am also completely financially broke and my trip away saw me bring back enough debt to keep the repayments going for the next year which also rules out any further adventures.
3. I had recently been offered and accepted an offer of employment that is an excellent stepping stone which in turn will mean good financial security for my future self.

Although I do not at this present time feel suicidal or feel like I want to harm myself in any way, I am deeply worried with that this may become a concern soon as with the type of intrusive thoughts I have been having recently and as my own life choices seem to be out of my own reach due to the points I have mentioned above, I have observed that I have been asking myself quiet frequently:

1. What is the point in my life?
2. Why am I here?
3. What is the point in life if a person is unable to enjoy it...such as I have not been able to do over the past five years.
4. What is the point in my life if I can`t choose to live it the way I want to live it and make my own decisions.

I certainly hope that i don`t come off on this post as self-entitled. I am certainly not suggesting because I have been held back due to illness for the last five years and missed out on things, that I feel entitled to be paid back by travelling the world for the next five years on the back of a cruse ship or anything, I sooner go volunteering in an orphanage in Russia, and I dead serious about that, but the point is that my choices are out of my own hands due to many reasons, the primary of which is my health.

Maybe there are just intrusive thought`s that are associated with the depression I am suffering or maybe they are more? Maybe they the early warning signs of someone that is bordering on thoughts of suicidal tendencies? I hope not. I have a deep depression looming over me these past few months which seems to be getting deeper and deeper as the weeks go by..

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I will leave this thread open for the moment and we will monitor how it goes with regards to the advice posters can offer you. In the meantime, you can also contact some of these organisations who are better qualified to support you.

Wesser

If you have a good job at the moment.... can you not save up for a year ir two and then take the money and go to Africa or south america and do what it is that you want to do.

If you have a volunteering position your expenses would be paid and therefore all your need is pocket money and living there is very very cheap.

Airyfairy12

Have you taken the job opportunity? If not, why?

I understand what youre saying about wanting to travel/experience things.. I know myself the fact I havnt done these things brings me down, its like a fear of missing out and living a sad boring life having experienced nothing. Social media doesnt help, seeing people live the life you want would get anyone down and it's become the norm for young people to travel the world but with that in mind you dont know the circumstances which allowed those people to pursue these experiences. I was at a party the other night, speaking to a group of well educated, well travelled people my age, in conversation I mentioned I wanted to do a masters but couldnt afford it, the guy I was speaking to said 'why dont you just ask your parents for the money?' I soon realised everyone at the table who had the fabulous traveling experiences, masters, phd's, pursued unpaid internships, had mortgages, dublin city apartments ect had had these things handed to them by wealthy and supportive family members. I'm not suggesting thats the case for everyone, some people work their butts off or else get themselves into mountains of debt but often enough people dont achieve these life experiences by themselves. - Im basically trying to say, dont compare yourself to what others have or what theyve done, it's not a reflection on you and doesn't make your life meaningless or pointless, when you do achieve the things you want you know it will be on your own merit.

With that in mind, try to make appropriate choices that suit your circumstances. Going abroad with no guarantee of a livable waged job and ultimately getting yourself into a financial hole maybe isnt the best option. Many people who emigrate do so with the knowledge they'll be earning very little and prepare for that as theyre only going for the experience, others go away after theyve secured suitable employment in their destination. Take it as a learning experience, next time have your ducks in a row before you leave.

Take the job, focus on getting your debt paid as soon as you can then save for the things you want. 30 is so young, you have plenty of time to achieve the things you want.

LegacyUser

Hi again,

And thank you for the replies. In relation saving money to travel again and in relation to accepting the recent job offer, I will and have done both.....

I can boil down the way I am feeling to a number of individual issues i think; Poor Health, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Financial and Social Media.

1. Poor Health. - Although I developed anxiety around the time of my parents separating, I don`t remember ever been prone to any major depressive episode`s until the time I fell ill five years ago. I am content to believe at this point that any major depressive episodes that I have suffered or currently suffer are related to circumstantial depression rather than clinical depression and have the ability to improve when my circumstances improve. I have been on on medication for anxiety for 10 years which has worked very well as long as I refrain from excess alcohol. I feel it does still does an adequate job in treating the anxiety but not the depression symptoms. Possibly time for a trip to the GP for a review.

2. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder - (Not Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). For as long as I can remember I have struggled immensely with trying obtain complete order and control over every single aspect of my life, lifestyle and direction of my life. I do not display any symptoms of traditional OCD such as opening and closing doors or turning on and off light switches. OCPD is a much different entity. I`ve never had the disorder confirmed by a psychologist or psychiatrist but would personally believe based on own research, the traits of the disorder vs what behaviors I display match up pretty perfectly. I believe that is why i find it so so incredibly difficult to be in the situation I am in at the moment, I have no immediate control over the aspects of my life that I so desperately require. ie - facing into a minimum of one more year in Ireland before I can be where I currently want to be in life. The symptoms of a disorder such as this, see a person`s inability to cope with no having control over one or more aspects of his / her life becomes dramatically dramatically increased and can also cause a variety of secondary issues such as anorexia, social anxiety (I have had previously) and depression (which I currently suffer). The depression is further deepened by the the background illness and poor health I suffer.

3. Financial - Poor financial condition in owing to a minimum of one years worth of debt in order ahead of me just bring myself back to a zero balance. At this point, it will likely take me one more year on top of that to put myself in any financial position to be able to pursue what I really want to be pursuing at this hour of my life. The potential of another two year delay to fulfill my plans after I just finished a 3 yr wait to become healthy enough in order to travel / live life for any experience has be feeling nauseous to the pit of my stomach. There were points during the 3 years I spent waiting to go travelling that I thought it would only ever be a distant dream, never mind actually experience it. Then, why i did finally get the opportunity, them 6 months went by like a blink of an eye and I truly feel like I never even left my couch now that I am home again. I desperately need longer out of Ireland to experience the world, experience cultures, people, sights, sounds and smells and clear the cobwebs of the last few years out of my head once and for all. (As mentioned in the previous post, I`b happy absolutely slumming it doing this. I am not looking for some five star experience. I do not have a feeling of being self entitled, I just honestly that it`s having access to experiences such as this, is what is key to putting my mind back on tract once and for all).

4. Social Media - Has absolutely had a bad effect on me. Just as some people look, admire and become jealous of fitness models on social media which in many cases can lead to damaging thoughts such as jealousy, I too have have closely observed people I did meet traveling on social media put photographs up consistently of a new life experience they are currently having. ie - volunteering to help an endangered species ect..and I cannot feel but absolutely full of jealousy, to the point that it makes me want to nearly cry. Nothing more I can say about this point other than I need to log out of social media, stop looking at these stories and stop reminding myself on a daily basis what I am missing out on otherwise i will never reach any sort of state of happiness here in Ireland.

A few key issues I think... All which i am sure need to be addressed individually in their own way but also in a sort, holistically as one as well. Non the less, all of which make me an extremely bitter, depressed person at this moment in time..