" Orphan Christmas"

doireann08

Hi Everyone

Had a difficult few weeks, have posted about it on here after my dad passed away. I just got to just thinking about Christmas.

If people either have no family, or have difficult relationships with their family and would rather not spend Christmas alone, what are the options available to them. I know that you can volunteer, spend it with friends and their families. But I guess if I had no family to celebrate with, I would feel like a spare part if I spent Christmas Day with my friends and their families.

I came across a website called " Orphan Christmas". The idea is that you can find like minded people in the same boat and arrange Christmas Dinner. I guess its kind of like Girlcrew or meetup except that its just focused on the Christmas celebrations.

I thought it was a pretty good idea. Its a shame its not in Ireland. I would certainly join if it was in Ireland. This probably isn't the right forum as Im not really asking for advice but just wanted to see what ye thought .

DFJ8X

Hello!
First and foremost, I'm very sorry for your loss.
With regards to your post, I am someone who does not have family here.  I am also not close to my family to where I would bother going home for Christmas.  My friends are married with families of their own.  So, I find myself searching for something to do for Christmas this year.  At the moment, I don't have a plan, but I am considering taking a trip somewhere.
I do think that having options like Orphan Christmas is a nice idea.  It seems like a good way to share a special time with people in the same situation and who might also appreciate being together.
Thanks for the post!

doireann08

DFJ8X wrote: »

Hello!
First and foremost, I'm very sorry for your loss.
With regards to your post, I am someone who does not have family here.  I am also not close to my family to where I would bother going home for Christmas.  My friends are married with families of their own.  So, I find myself searching for something to do for Christmas this year.  At the moment, I don't have a plan, but I am considering taking a trip somewhere.
I do think that having options like Orphan Christmas is a nice idea.  It seems like a good way to share a special time with people in the same situation and who might also appreciate being together.
Thanks for the post!

Thanks DFJ8X - Yeah I thought it was a great idea too, its a shame its not in Ireland . Its a bit more homely than eating Xmas dinner alone in a hotel. Anyway its food for thought!

RhubarbCrumble

I'd never heard of "Orphan Christmas" before, but it sounds brilliant. It's definitely a pity that it's not something that exists here. i for one would definitely be interested in it. I'm not in contact with my 'family' so Xmas is very hard.

njs030

So maybe someone should set it up then? I don't know how it works but if the three of you are interested you could set up a Facebook page and find others who also are and work it out as you go along!

otnomart

Check out Meetup.com, maybe there is already an event for Christmas Day in your area ?

Shadow1983

So sorry for your loss, while bereavement is never easy I feel it's always worse at the Christmas season. The folks over in the Christmas forum are a wonderful bunch, always full of good advice, perhaps you could post there too if allowed??

Michelle_b

notjustsweet wrote: »

So maybe someone should set it up then? I don't know how it works but if the three of you are interested you could set up a Facebook page and find others who also are and work it out as you go along!

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I think that its a brilliant idea. As mentioned by notjustsweet a Facebook page would be fab. There is probably so many in similar situation and makes it very lonely like you said or going to friends houses and feeling a little uncomfortable. What your suggesting could brighten up Christmas for a lot of people

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry to see your relationship with your family seems to have broken down since your dad died. Is there nothing that can be done to repair that?

doireann08

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Sorry to see your relationship with your family seems to have broken down since your dad died. Is there nothing that can be done to repair that?

Hi - no it hasn't broken down. Everyone is having a difficult time adjusting. I guess my Dads death just made me think a lot more about the future.

My siblings live abroad and have their own families. , one sister who lives in Ireland has her own family. I don't have kids and am single. A lot of the time its just me and Mam and I started to panic really about what would happen when she passes. Probably irrational - am going to counselling.

I don't think my sister wants to spend this Xmas with Mam ( mam has been horrible to her but thats a story for another day. Her and Mam just don't get on at all )

Probably irrational - am going to counselling.

Ursus Horribilis

It might be a bit irrational. Just don't go burning bridges or making big decisions when everyone's still reeling from your dad's death. I'm glad to see you're going to counselling. You've been through a rough, traumatic time.

witchgirl26

doireann08 wrote: »

Hi - no it hasn't broken down. Everyone is having a difficult time adjusting. I guess my Dads death just made me think a lot more about the future.

My siblings live abroad and have their own families. , one sister who lives in Ireland has her own family. I don't have kids and am single. A lot of the time its just me and Mam and I started to panic really about what would happen when she passes. Probably irrational - am going to counselling.

I don't think my sister wants to spend this Xmas with Mam ( mam has been horrible to her but thats a story for another day. Her and Mam just don't get on at all )

Probably irrational - am going to counselling.

First off - I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate as about a year after my dad passed, I was the only one in my family not in a relationship so, like you, it was just myself and my mam. Could you talk to your sister about Christmas and how you feel? I don't mean make her spend it with your mam if that relationship is difficult (as that won't make for a good day for anyone) but just so that she's aware of how you're feeling.

We've had friends of siblings to Christmas a couple of times as their family lives abroad or they don't get on and to be honest, they were always welcomed straight into the middle of the madness. Maybe you could consider going to your sister's sometime if you have a good relationship with her.

It's not irrational - when something major like a parent passing happens it does make you look at the future. I was very much single when my dad passed but it made me think loads about getting married and working out what I'd do for someone walking me down the aisle. You're trying to adjust your future to take into account what's happened and it's huge. Look after yourself.

doireann08

witchgirl26 wrote: »

First off - I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate as about a year after my dad passed, I was the only one in my family not in a relationship so, like you, it was just myself and my mam. Could you talk to your sister about Christmas and how you feel? I don't mean make her spend it with your mam if that relationship is difficult (as that won't make for a good day for anyone) but just so that she's aware of how you're feeling.

We've had friends of siblings to Christmas a couple of times as their family lives abroad or they don't get on and to be honest, they were always welcomed straight into the middle of the madness. Maybe you could consider going to your sister's sometime if you have a good relationship with her.

It's not irrational - when something major like a parent passing happens it does make you look at the future. I was very much single when my dad passed but it made me think loads about getting married and working out what I'd do for someone walking me down the aisle. You're trying to adjust your future to take into account what's happened and it's huge. Look after yourself.

Thanks for all your replies. I am trying to be supportive of Mam and I have spoken to my siblings. It doesn't help that mam isn't the easiest, she can be very narcissistic. I am just worn out as she dumps all her problems on me , complains about everyone and everything. I'm close to contacting my uncles and aunt ( her siblings) and asking for help. Don't get me wrong they are there to help and have offered and asked Mam to stay, offered to visit her. But she won't take them up on the offer. I just can't cope anymore with it

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps having a quiet word with her siblings would help. If your mother is like this, then you've got your own mental health to look after. If you've a good relationship with them and you think they can help (not plough into things with their size 12s), I can't see what harm it'd do. If they can take some if the burden off you, then great. You probably could do with drawing away from the problems at home and getting on with your own life.

doireann08

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Perhaps having a quiet word with her siblings would help. If your mother is like this, then you've got your own mental health to look after. If you've a good relationship with them and you think they can help (not plough into things with their size 12s), I can't see what harm it'd do. If they can take some if the burden off you, then great. You probably could do with drawing away from the problems at home and getting on with your own life.

That is exactly it. Mam has had so many offers from her friends, siblings etc etc. She complains when people call to visit her house, then complains that she is lonely. She is coming to stay at mine for a few days tomorrow, but after this weekend, I will have to tell her I won't be available to meet. Some tough love will be in order as I feel she is overly relying on me as I am the single one with no kids

5rtytry56

doireann08 wrote: »

She complains when people call to visit her house

Dad does the very same. Mum passed away in February. Personally: Grin & bear OP.

Ghekko

But you can only grin and bear it for so long. Listening to constant negativity will bring you down. Have a chat to your mum over the weekend and tell her she will have to start letting people in and engaging with her friends/siblings again. Are there any local activities she could attend - over 55 group, card games, golf for instance. She'll probably be miffed but it might make her realise that she is too dependent on you.