Can an ex always have a place in your heart?

IceWolf7

I was with my first love for six years. I loved him deeply, despite him not always being the best boyfriend. Our split completely broke my heart. He was also upset but wanted the break up, saying it just wasn’t working anymore. In retrospect he was completely right, but I can still feel some of the heartache from that day. What was most upsetting was losing the incredible friendship that we had. Whenever we cross paths and briefly catch up at events every few months, there is an atmosphere of lovely nostalgia, yet sadness between us both.

Fast forward to 18 months after that break up, and I am six months into a relationship with somebody new. He is everything I could want in a partner, and is miles ahead in every department compared to my ex/previous guys I have dated. I have found so much happiness with him. For the first few months with him I was on cloud nine with him, and barely spared a thought to my ex during that time. There were even times my ex reached out by text etc., and I was able to brush this off without any hesitations.

The last month or two, as my new boyfriend and I have gotten completely comfortable, I have suddenly become overwhelmed with emotion. I certainly love my boyfriend, and feel so much love back from him, and for this I am so happy. However, I also feel a great deal of sadness and loss over my ex. I am not in love with him, nor do I want to get back with him, or even reconnect with him. Perhaps I’m overthinking it, and am associating my new experience of love with my previous (and only) experience of it.

Is it possible for an ex to always have a place in your heart, even after they’re completely out of sight and mind? In an ideal world I’d love to be able to erase him from memory, but it seems a microscopic part of me will always hold love for him. I’m feeling guilt but don’t know if I should, perhaps it’s a natural thing that might go away? Any words of wisdom are appreciated. 😊

Icepick

I suggest you cut all contact with him, including following him on social media. Your brain is romanticising history and playing with your emotions.

leggo

They say it takes half the time you were with a person to fully get over them, so that's around 3 years in your case. That covers all these stray feelings that'll occasionally pang you now and then.

I think what you're asking is "Is this normal?" And the answer is that yes, it is. But you also seem to know that you're in a better situation now. So allow yourself to have these feelings now and then, and just let them pass.

I'd cut contact with the ex as fully as you can (though it sounds like you only bump into him now and then which is unavoidable) because when you engage them, see it as putting yourself back at square one and prolonging the time it'll take to get over them. You're in a better place now and no reason to risk messing that up.

Stan27

I think yes, if the relationship was good, and the break up wasn't messy, there might always be a little part of love there. Maybe not romanticially, but some sort of love.

IceWolf7

IceWolf7 wrote: »

The last month or two, as my new boyfriend and I have gotten completely comfortable, I have suddenly become overwhelmed with emotion. I certainly love my boyfriend, and feel so much love back from him, and for this I am so happy. However, I also feel a great deal of sadness and loss over my ex. I am not in love with him, nor do I want to get back with him, or even reconnect with him.

Actually I don’t think this is about your ex but it’s about your relationship with him. As you settle into a good relationship with your boyfriend, you can’t help but recall the good elements of that other relationship... and that’s fine, it will always be a part of you, it formed the person you are today. But it’s not about him.

amtc

Places, songs, memories always bring back memories. And those memories (to protect yourself) are usually the good ones. Your mind plays little tricks on you. For example I always remember my ex's birthday August 8 but this year I couldn't figure out why August 26 was an important date for me...it wasn't a birthday or an anniversary. It literally hit me today that it was the day we split up.

Be glad you're in a good place.

PickleJar

Can they always have a place in your heart? I'm sure they can, but whether that is healthy for you or not is a very personal thing. When I was in counselling over my big relationship breakup my counsellor helped me see that it's ok to let people fully go from your life. People come, people go. It doesn't negate the good times - it just means they happened and you're moving on.

One thing that would help would be the cut contact as others have suggested. When my ex and I finished we both agreed to let each other go and to not be hanging around somewhere in the background - we each wanted the other to meet someone else and not have anything we'd done affect that. Maybe with more time and distance you can think of your ex and be happy, but for now it sounds like it's unsettling you.

Ms Doubtfire1

Of course. I still very fondly think back to the times of my first love and him.And that's a staggering 38 years ago. He will always have a place in my heart.Noting wrong with that - just don't get carried away with it.

Mr. Incognito

Of Course.

But you only remember the good times and never the bad.

Over time this builds up a romanticised idea.

You often have pics of the good days to look back on and no pics of the fights or arguments.

I have a fondness for all my exes but I force myself to remember the reasons why we broke up and that shifts it fairly quickly.