Chronic illness impacting on relationships

ahaaha

Hi there

I’m a married woman in her early thirties and on the outside I look as fit as a fiddle. I’m small, have a great figure, good skin. All boxes ticked right?!

Inside I feel like the walking dead. I suffer from endometriosis, diagnosed when I was 18 and have had 3 operations to try and sort it out. Currently waiting on another apt with a consultant.
Basically my entire digestive system and pelvis is covered in adhesions and not only do I get horrific monthly pains, but regularly suffer from gastro issues. I’ve also in the past 3 years gone through 7 Ivf cycles, 2 early miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. None of these have helped my issues either as I’m being pumped with hormones and other drugs to shut down my immune system.

I’m regularly sick, at least twice a week I feel extremely poorly, and my stomach is ruined from painkillers. But for the past month I’ve only had about 7 good days. My husband tries his best to be considerate and understand, but I know he is tired of me always saying I feel terrible. Not being able to go out or cancel plans at last minute as I always hope I’ll get better. He gets cranky with me or just stays silent sometimes when I am explaining/complaining about my pain. My best friend has called me hypochon and ‘it would only happen to you!’ or ‘not again!’ are phrases that have been thrown about regularly. Today I’ve had an extremely bad reaction to antibiotics-vomiting, heart palpitations, tremors and pins and needles....... and I got the bad response from my friend. I haven’t replied and don’t intend on doing it. I’m so upset at the lack of support I’m getting. My parents are brilliant, as is my sister in law, but they all have their own crap to deal with too. My parents aren’t in the best of health and my sis in law is also undergoing fertility treatment. I often pretend I’m fine just to make things easier. I’m just feeling so let down my best friend and sometimes by my husband.

Has anyone any advice on how I can approach this? how do I get my best friend/husband to just give me a bit of support? And stop with the nasty comments? How do I explain to her that I have s chronic illness that is basically incurable and affects every second of my life? And this alongside all the infertility treatment is also taking its toll on me physically and mentally? Maybe I’m expecting too much from her, maybe I’m placing my anger at my body in her direction as it’s easier that way. I’m feeling so down and alone in all of this, I’m not a very confrontational person when it comes to friendships so am dreading actually saying anything to anyone about how I feel.
Thanks for reading.

Xterminator

Hi OP

i know 2 women who have chronic health problem.

the 1st one, if you ask her hows it going, will say dreadful. Im in agony this is sore; i cant walk etc.

the second person would respond differently to the question. she is a naturally positive person and if asked would say, oh getting on with things, and tell me all about something she is looking forward to, or something nice that happened.

I can only imagine what you are going through and the toll this has taken on you. i hope for your sake there are more better days than bad ahead. My advice to you is simply that if you focus in on the negative, and bring it up and discuss constantly, this is hard for people to deal with.

Instead if you can take steps to improve your own mental health, you can try to bring some positive energy back into your close relationships.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/building-better-mental-health.htm

amtc

The answer is you can't. Some people are naturally empathetic, some aren't. And frankly people have stress in their own lives. My friend did ivf and I did everything with her (more so than her husband) but now I'm a reminder of that time so when I needed her support (work related) it wasn't forthcoming.

I do recall the hormones for ivf made her completely irrational and sometimes for my own sanity I just couldn't take the litany of that day's medical issues. She relied on me so much that it was really clingy which is very off putting plus it was all she ever talked about. We couldn't even meet for lunch in case there was a baby in the room. Eventually I lost patience. We are still friends but not as close and sometimes I dread her number coming up.

In this situation and I've found in this forum people keep suggesting counselling...which is not the cure for everything...but would it be worth finding a support group? People in the same circumstances?

nikkibikki

What benefit is that "friend" to you really? Do you need her in your life if she makes you feel worse?

It is hard to feel positive when you feel so rotten. Really hard. I've heard that acupuncture has helped lots of people with hormonal and fertility issues. Have you ever tried that?

And talk to your husband about how you are feeling. It's not easy being a partner to someone with a chronic illness, my husband will testify to that. Ye could probably both benefit from counselling.

Neyite

Not much of a friend, is she?

ellie1

Would u consider giving your body a break from IVF for a while?

It can be exhausting living or being close to someone with chronic illness. If I feel particularly bad (tired, cranky, bitchy, moany, bitter, resentful) I stay in myself and wallow by myself with some movies/books etc until I snap out of it.

I have been poorly over the last year and diagnosed with some form of undetermined colitis. Night sweats, digestive issues bleeding etc. I am very reluctant to tell people because people have enough of their own **** going on. Instead I go to the gym regularly, eat as healthy as possible mediate as ways of controlling symptoms, building up my body and dealing with the anxiety and stress caused by living with illhealth. My symptoms have stabilised without medication and some medications will inflame the condition. I understand your condition is painful and debilitating however your husband nor your friend can change this for you.

Join a group of people who have similar health issues either online or in real life for they may have different approaches for things that were helpful for them. Use them as your sounding board for the bad days.

I have cried with frustration , irritation etc this year due to illhealth. Said they don't understand, why can't people be more helpful etc.. the reality is they can't be as they are not going through It, have other stuff going on, get sick of hearing the same stories etc. I wont bring it up unless people ask and they rarely do because they dont want to hear about my ****s literally as they don't want extra worries and illness is generally a depressing subject.

Encourage your husband to go out to events that you don't feel up to. Tell your friend you will call her when your feeling better.

ahaaha

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I think the first thing I need to say is that this is about chronic illness- not Ivf!!!!! I’ve taken 9 months off my fertility treatment but honestly the Ivf is grand. It’s tough but I have enough skills developed to get through that. I also have other friends going through it so I rarely come to her with those issues anymore as she woul. For example last Ivf cycle I was in the two week wait by the time we had spoken about it. Admittedly years ago she was much more involved and was very good to me. Still is if I need her and asks for updates etc. I’m generally ok with other babies and pregnancies as I don’t want anyone else’s baby, I want my own. . Except on mother’s day! That’s tough. And I know it will arrive one day. I’m very positive about that at the moment

Secondly chronic illnesses can affect people differently. One woman with stage 4 endo could walk around not knowing anything was wrong, yet a stage 1 patient could be bed bound. It is all very individual. As is someone’s mental attitude I suppose! And mine does need some work but it’s been a very tough month. I will look into that website.

I honestly am generally a very upbeat person. I would be known for my chirpiness at work and at home. As I said in original post if you met me out and about you’d think I had a great life. I do as much as I can for myself. I’ve joined forums and they are only alright tbh, and I was advised by counsellor and gp to stop going on them. Was getting a bit obsessive. I regularly go to Yoga, reflexology, Mayan massage and follow a very healthy diet in general. I’ve seen a counsellor for my miscarriages. But there’s only so much I can try to do and afford to do before my next surgery which is drastically needed. I will definitely check out that website on positive attitude I’ve never seen it before so thanks for that

It’s just the constant illness for the last 4 weeks (nearly 20 years since diagnosis) and the horrible comment I received that have just really affected me. I snapped yesterday. Only my nearest and dearest are aware of my health issues and as I’m aware how hard it can be to be near me when I’m going through a flare of my endo alongside other infections, like at the moment. I know people have very very busy lives and stress levels these days by most is at extremely high levels. Everyone is so busy and rushed. But I have been there for my friend during work troubles, family issues, 2 pregnancies, a touch of the baby blues and a baby that would not sleep for two years. Every single day I was on the phone trying to ease her anguish. Esp during my own fertility treatment and I’m extremely proud that I was capable of being such a good friend to her even though what she was struggling with is what I can never achieve on my own. It’s not a one way situation with me moaning constantly. But I know it’s hard to hear me with the same complaints

Thank you for your suggestions, I will certainly start couples counselling that’s a great idea. It’s been on my mind for a while. It takes a very strong marriage to go through what we are going through and it’s probably brought us closer than most couples in some ways. We will give it a go. But I’m still at a loss as to try and approach this with me friend as I know if I said something so unfair to her I would certainly hear about it. She’s not backward in coming forward iykwim and I hate confrontation! Do I just tell her I’m grand when I’m not? Will she return the favour then and never talk about her own issues with me? What kind of a friendship is that? I’m struggling to understand

Rubberchikken

You're going through a lot and I'm sorry you're experiencing so much ill health.

Even the most empathic person can become weary listening to someone who is dealing with many health issues.

Maybe a local support group would give you a place to speak about these issues.
Any types of stomach/ infertility problems have to be incredibly hard to live with and you need to speak to others dealing with these.
Good luck

_Whimsical_

There's a chronic illness board here OP called Long Term Illness. I think an awful lot of people there will relate to what you're experiencing. I actually think it's quite depressing to see so many responses along the lines of "just suck it up, this is not what friends are for". It is what friends are for. It's not that hard to respond to someone in distress by saying 'I'm sorry you're going through so you much, I really hope it gets better ". The OP sounds like she isn't a big whinger and that she just wants a small bit of humanity from a friend. That's hardly too much to ask? We are constantly listening to the message " if you're troubled talk to someone ", maybe we need a campaign along the lines of " if someone close in your life is troubled try and listen". Even when life is stressful a giving a little kindness won't kill us. We should at least aim for that rather than just the answer being keep it all to yourself,assuming no one is taking advantage to constantly go on about themselves giving nothing back.

ahaaha

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

There's a chronic illness board here OP called Long Term Illness. I think an awful lot of people there will relate to what you're experiencing. I actually think it's quite depressing to see so many responses along the lines of "just suck it up, this is not what friends are for". It is what friends are for. It's not that hard to respond to someone in distress by saying 'I'm sorry you're going through so you much, I really hope it gets better ". The OP sounds like she isn't a big whinger and that she just wants a small bit of humanity from a friend. That's hardly too much to ask? We are constantly listening to the message " if you're troubled talk to someone ", maybe we need a campaign along the lines of " if someone close in your life is troubled try and listen". Even when life is stressful a giving a little kindness won't kill us. We should at least aim for that rather than just the answer being keep it all to yourself,assuming no one is taking advantage to constantly go on about themselves giving nothing back.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply. It really means a lot to read - that part about trying to listen especially. Thank you again x I will def check out long term illness area