Sister ruining her life!

LegacyUser

Going anon for this one here guys, basically I am worried about my sister and how I think she is destroying her life.

Her Boyfriend is an alcoholic, he drinks in the pub 5-6 days per week out of the 7 days. His mother and brother and both alcoholics and his father died of liver cirrhosis another alcoholic. My sister has been with this waster for twelve years since she was 21 and worked as a barmaid where she met the scumbag. She has been living with him the last 8 years 6 of which were in rented accommodation. My father and mother paid 66% of the cost of a house for her and with her own savings and a load of a small mortgage of €200 per month she paid the rest.

This man contributes nothing, he buys no food absolutely nothing, he smokes 20 a day and drinks like a fish. He has his own money from farm subsidies, as he works his farm barely, vets have been called over animal cruelty etc. He regularly drives drunk and is constantly telling her lies as he hides his car when he drinking, and she thinks he is busy at work etc. in reality she has to be in denial and I think is afraid of him.

I am just so worried about my sister as she will soon turn 33 next month and she has wasted her prime years with this guy, they are not married nor will they and thankfully have no kids.

I have had so many fights with her over this but she will never listen, she has alienated herself from all her friends and her few friends now are mere booze buddy alcoholics as she drinks more and more all influenced by this guy.

My sister is a hard worker and deserves so much better, I myself am younger than her but it hurts me and my parents to see the clearly abusive relationship she is in with him. I would like peoples opinions on how to get her to see sense and get her away from this man. She has her own home and a full-time permanent job albeit on very low wages €10/hr. She is the sort of woman who any guy would treat properly.

From my own point of view I think any BF she had should be contributing and paying his share instead of crawling out of the pub drunk every evening. He is a very unpleasent man who regularly insults my father and has had several fights with other people.

Opinions please?

Neyite

Opinion? Your sister is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, poor ones included.

You can try to talk to her but I suspect it will fall on deaf ears. Until she's willing to face up to him being an alcoholic waster then you may only alienate her rather than helping her. You could do look into how alcoholism affects family members of alcoholics and find out the best way from them how to be supportive to your sister in a way that she needs maybe?

zoobizoo

HEy OP

I don't think that there's much that you can do.

She's been with him so long and is used to that type of behaviour and relationship.

It is hard to see a friend or a relation in those types of relationship but until they see that there is something wrong then they won't want out of it.

Have you ever asked her what she gets out of the relationship?

silverharp

your parents decision to help her buy a house seems strange under the circumstances. your hands are kind of tied though, my only thought was could you get the guards involved over his drunk driving?

ManOfMystery

silverharp wrote: »

your parents decision to help her buy a house seems strange under the circumstances. your hands are kind of tied though, my only thought was could you get the guards involved over his drunk driving?

Whilst I fully agree he should be reported (as should any drink driver, before they kill someone) ................... that will only result (potentially) in legal action against him. I doubt it will have any bearing on the course of the relationship with the sister after all these years.

OP, unfortunately there isn't really anything you can do here. Your sister is an adult and as said above, has to make her own choices - good and bad. Whilst this relationship may seem terrible to you from the outside looking in, there must be something in it for your sister for it to have lasted so long - assuming he hasn't been violent or scared her from leaving.

Trying to drive a rift between this waster and your sister may actually result in putting a rift between yourselves, as she may not appreciate you trying to tell her how to run her life - even if you're doing it out of goodness. This type of situation has happened to many people we all know and more often than not, things just have to run their course naturally in order for the innocent party to come to their own senses and get themselves out of the situation.

zoobizoo

What's the age difference between you two OP?

LegacyUser

worriedforsister wrote: »

She is the sort of woman who any guy would treat properly.

Is she? Because she sounds like she has little self-esteem and if she didn't end up with this guy, would quite possibly would have ended up with someone just the same. That lack of self esteem is the issue you may want to address, rather than judging her and making her choices for her. It was done with the bet of intentions, as was helping her buy a house, but it hasn't helped her, it may have prevented her from learning a few key lessons and from what you've written here, she doesn't now seem equipped to make good choices.

How to address that is a difficult call without knowing her and what she's receptive to, but it's not that difficult to see that if you keep pushing it the way you have, you'll drive her away and then she'll be even more vulnerable to him.

frag420

Not much you can do about your sister but the next time you know he is in control of a car and under the influence I suggest you call the police...and keep doing it every time you see him doing it...EVERY TIME!!

rondog

OP-if you know he is drunk driving ,you should inform the guards that you seen a drunk man leaving a pub and get them to follow him.Anyone driving drunk who does it repeatedly will eventually hurt or kill someone.Maybe when hes locked up will your sister see sense.

Big Bag of Chips

worriedforsister wrote: »

I have had so many fights with her over this but she will never listen, she has alienated herself from all her friends

That's where you're going wrong. Nobody likes to be attacked, and if someone attacks your life/relationship/choices you are immediately going to go on the defensive. Having fights with her isn't go to make things better.

She is an adult, as already mentioned. She has made her choices. Maybe she feels trapped. Maybe she feels responsible for him and what might happen him if she leaves/kicks him out. Maybe she feels like he needs her. I think you are probably naive if you believe that he somehow fools her about where he is and how much he is drinking. Nobody knows an alcoholic better than the people who live with them. The people living with them can see the problems even long before the alcoholic recognises them.

Stop fighting with your sister. It hasn't worked up to this point, so why do you think that will suddenly change? She needs support. She needs to know she can go somewhere without having people giving out about the man she loves (?) and shares a life with. She doesn't want to have to always defend him against attack from others and it's most likely why she has started alienating herself from friends.

She will make her own choices and mistakes. You can't live her life for her or you can't make her choices for her. If you can't be in her life without passing judgement and getting into arguments then you need to consider that you are adding stress to her life on top of that which her bf adds. Just be kind to her. Her life and her choices, aren't affecting you. They are certainly affecting her, but she won't admit that for as long as she feels attacked. You are better off not mentioning her partner at all to her. She'll welcome the break and will be more likely to relax around you if she doesn't always have to be on the defensive.

Xterminator

hey OP

i agree with all of the poster above.

you cannot make your sisters choices for her. You can only be there to support her when she needs it. If you keep trying to make her see your side you only drive her away.

so i think you need to take a step back, and let her live her life, and learn her own lessons. If you reassure her you love her, and she can talk to you about problems. Because at the moment she cannot.

pwurple

She is a crutch. An enabler. A hero who saves his day and looks good to herself against the backdrop of him.

Some people thrive on this misery. I don’t think there is anything you can do about it except give her a way out and let her kmow you would be supportive if she ever wanted to finish it up. Not the giant “I bloody told you so routine”.